How far would put your convictions/beliefs first?

Depends so much on the context. Frantic parents desperately trying to keep contact with a child being groomed by others into believing they're in the wrong body?
Your father telling you he's now your mother?
Siblings, cousins, extended family?

Essentially you're being compelled to accept and actively participate in an untruth. That's a tough call and you're balancing personal relationships, maybe the need to safeguard a mentally unwell child or adult and more.

This ideology really does have the potential to trash families doesn't it?

I am in a situation like this. I have just about gotten used to the new name. I avoid pronouns when speaking with them because I mess them up even when I try to use the preferred version. The rest of the family tend to default back to the original pronouns when the person isn't around.

It's hard and I don't publicly post a lot of what I believe because I know they will be hurt.

Walking on eggshells and having an unequal relationship where the other person makes it conditional that you lie and enable them?

It's not healthy, it's not really a relationship, and you're chasing them for affection they obviously don't hold for you. I'm afraid it's a relationship I'd be ok with letting go if at all possible.

I have had a few life sucking, energy sucking, nothing but absorbing another person's crap with a smile like a good little doormat relationships in my life. There's a couple I endure to an extent for the sake of another person in the situation who is reciprocal, (not gender related) but even so it's with very clear boundaries, and a lot of detached distance, and it's time limited.

it's a niece/nephew - i'm quite sure pronouns would pop up when, say, asking their parents what i could get them for christmas or whatever.

B.I.N.G.O.

So are you saying they saw your FB and cut you off because you refused to say the pronouns on there, or that you refused to say them in front of the child? If it's the former, they sound like assholes. I'd tell them I'm unfriending them on FB because they are using my posts there against me, but that I am willing to treat the child as female when I am with them. I would not agree to pretend that I believe in the validity of transgender children in my personal life. That's none of their business. But in front of the child I would, as you say, just avoid pronouns.

Maybe the dad I'd of the same opinion as your DH but can't voice it in front of the family

It will depend if the relationship here is it is your brother or sister's child or your husbands brother or sister. And it also depends on the relationship that the child's father has with your husband, whether it is both family and friendship or is it just family.

It could be that the sister/brother of a parent of that child are held to higher level of acceptance or conversely that their lack of compliance is ignored because the expectations are so low. Having a close familial bond could also mean that the parent who is the sibling will not allow that bond to be broken because of this, whereas the non-sibling is expected to comply. Or it could be sexism too where any woman is expected to do the social work within the family.

Family dynamics are always very hard to navigate OP. This one sounds very stressful for you. I hope that you get some good support.

Cross-posted.

Well, how interesting! They accept your husband's total non-acceptance, but take your lukewarm acceptance as a challenge.

Fuck 'em. Take a leaf out of your husband's book and start deadnaming and using 'he'.

I mean, that's something i would be bringing up to the parents, because either they're lying about why they are doing this or they aren't in agreement themselves which makes zero sense. Cutting family members out of your child's life should be a two yes/one no situation.

So why is he welcome when his acceptance level is zero and I am banished yet I tried?
I think we all know the answer to that. It's why JKR gets rape and death threats and Ricky Gervais doesn't.

Women are often judged far more harshly than men.

"But you've been told that by not using female pronouns or accepting the person whole as a female you'll be cut out of their lives (and lose all your other neices/nephews)"

So it's not just about the pronouns, is it? They insist you must* *"[accept] the person whole as a female". They're not just asking you to behave a certain way (speak as they want you to), they're asking you to think and believe how they want you to. That's just not possible, is it? They are asking the impossible - and they know it. I suspect that even if you said 'she' you'd be accused of not meaning it.

You're on a hiding to nothing here, they already think you're a heretic and they'll always be looking for the slightest reason to excommunicate and shun you.

It sounds to me as if you have been cut off because even though you've done all they ask, regarding enforced speech etc, you have maintained your belief in reality. While ever you fail to state that white is black and appear to mean it, you are a threat to their ridiculous belief system.

Relationships with my husband and kids first every time. Others, case by case.

i think using their name is good and just being there for them. Which it sounds like you have been?

Its a hard one because if you don't want to be cut off can you just avoid using pronouns and only use their name? as they seem important to you.

I wouldn't fall out with family members over what might very well be a phase. I'm not sure how you treat someone as female - plait their hair?

Sorry - meant THEY are misgendering by using made up pronouns.

I'd use the names and pronouns that someone wants. That is not worth arguing about.

My position is that trans ideology is a belief system like a religion. And just as I would be polite to people of another religion (not serving bacon to Muslims etc), so I will be polite to trans people.

But I will strongly campaign against any attempt to make a religion or trans ideology into the law of the UK or the rules of a specific organisation (eg sports).

This is the position I am in with my brother at the moment. Think I am going to stick to my principles. He has thrown so much shit at the fan without a care for anyone who gets hit by it.

I would use the female name and buy the 'girly' cards no would get gender neutral gifts (I do this anyway for females). If it's a child no I would not compliment make up. In fact I don't think I would compliment makeup on an adult (I don't wear it I feel it's fine to wear it male or female but I do t feel it's a good thing certainly not a female requirement and absolutely not acceptable in children).

If that's not acceptable then yes I would accept being cut out. I have young children myself and I don't want them being indoctrinated into a cult anyway

No, I wouldn't lose people I love because of pronoun usage.

They would know that I don't share their beliefs because I'm open about my GC views, but just as I have said grace at a Christian friends house, I would suck up their misgendering to be present for the people I love. I'd try and avoid discussing the specific topic of trans as much as possible.

When the doubts creep in and/or it comes crashing down horribly around their ears, they will need somewhere to turn & that's easier if there isn't a big wedge between you.

Sometimes you can do more to limit the damage from the inside.