Heellp my 14 year old daughter says she wants to socially transition

Can you go back to Bayswater for more advice?

This parent (who I think is ROGDmum on Twitter) eventually got a sensible specialist.

https://www.thetimes.com/uk/scotland/article/school-reported-parents-of-trans-child-to-social-services-ngm80gpc5

This is an article about the foster mum - it doesn't give her Twitter handle.

https://www.christian.org.uk/news/foster-mother-reported-to-social-services-for-questioning-gender-ideology-lessons/

There is someone on Twitter who is an adoptive or foster mum and whose children's school reported her to social services for questioning their teaching (I believe - I don't think any of her children wanted to transition).
I can't remember her name but you could also try https://www.ebswa.org/

Trying to challenge this one member of staff at a time is exhausting

It certainly is! I'm having to do both, because of how long and drawn out the whole school conversation is (a separate but connected conversation to my daughter's EHCP). Unfortunately there has been a fair bit of internal discussion within the leadership and suffice to say, there is a heavy leaning towards gender identity belief within the school.
OP, you have made much faster progress than I have been in your school discussions. My belt and braces suggestion re the trip may not be necessary.

Again - proof that the school is listening to you.
Re the trip - I'd probably raise it with the senior staff you met with, pointing out that passports list sex and asking if this means children will be in mixed sex sleeping accommodation? Trying to challenge this one member of staff at a time is exhausting. It's a leadership issue to tackle this and as they've understood the issues, they need to resolve them everywhere they pop up. That's their job.

Great work 💪 The school is really listening.

As a suggestion re the trip, one thing you could do is create a safeguarding statement that you use for your daughter, explaining the impact of gender identity belief discussions on her. I have one that I use outside school settings and it's really helpful. I've based it on the professional submission that was sent in for my daughter's EHCP. It sets out her needs and provisions e.g. how adults approach conversations like "what are your pronouns?" and the impact that this can have.

The benefit of this approach is that it could be given to the trip leader and used in other settings too. We use ours for extra curricular activities and health appointments etc.

It's also worth giving feedback that asking for her gender identity on the form is an example of the same implicit bias as the pronouns question: it assumes a belief in gender identity as if it's a factual truth... and that it's more important than someone's sex. Hopefully the school has already recognised that they shouldn't be arranging residential accommodation on the basis of gender identity.

That's good news OP and well done - they've evidently taken you seriously. Their comment about the lack of guidance is telling. Until now the very worst organisations and individuals in the world in terms of children's rights and safety have been allowed to influence policy, hence some of the child hostile policies that we've seen.

Of course schools want to do right by children and it's good they confirmed that with you so there's hope. They're not shouting the "trans tops everything" mantra that we sometimes see from very captured adults.

Your intervention actually makes the school a safer place for all children - not just your DD.

Thanks for the update OP, well done you! - it sounds like the school are at least listening. Hopefully things will work out OK and your DD has a great time at summer camp just being a 14-year-old having fun.
It would be nice if you could do something nice for yourself while she's away, this has been a big challenge for you and you could do with some battery-recharging!

No advice but what a difficult situation, especially with DD’s father. Thank goodness for the wisdom and collective knowledge of MN. Hugs OP.

That sounds like a positive step from the school, OP. Very well done.

@Pleasegotobed Well done! It sounds as if it's gone as well as possible at this stage. It is brilliant they've agreed not to transition your DD without clinical oversight - that is in line with Cass and needs to be front and centre in your email summary! Make sure you reference Cass too.

The summer camp honestly sounds like the most positive and beneficial thing you could do at this point and the school holidays have come at a good time.

In terms of her Dad this sounds very, very familiar He does very very little actual parenting. She realises that on some level too.

Your DD will realise who is there helping her, supporting her and organising fun activities for her and who ISN'T more and more as she gets older. Have you seen the transwidows threads? It's eye opening the commonalities in behaviour that - to put it mildly - does NOT centre child wellbeing.

Bringing your complaint about the LGBT club to trustees in September is a little pushing it into the long grass. Governors can be expected to have extra meetings and / or for the chair of governors to deal with issues outside of regular meetings. Did you mention you believed it could be a safeguarding issue due to the clear social contagion happening?

However, it's definitely worth ignoring their obvious attempt to sidestep this for the time being in favour of prioritising what is best for your child. You have shown them that you are aware of a potential safeguarding failure, it sounds as if they've admitted they have little oversight about what is taught / goes on in that club (make sure you get that in any email summary) and that you are willing to use the complaints procedure. This shows you're not a pushover and you understand their responsibilities.

I would also include, if you can the information about the number of girls wishing to transition after attending the club. It sounds extremely obviously of concern - when the information gets to them any governor worth their salt would be wanting to know why SLT don't have oversight of that club and raising safeguarding concerns.

You're doing an incredible job under incredibly difficult circumstances 💪💐

@Justme56 has good advice and I also think that your idea of a post-meeting email to share with the participants and confirm that you have correctly summarized what was discussed/decided. Good luck, OP, you’re advocating so well for your DD. 💐

💐💐💐

If it helps to hear it, things are far from "sorted" in my conversations. I keep having to pivot between the approach of the school as a whole and my daughter's own EHCP. I still don't know if she'll remain at this school (reasons not connected to gender stuff) so it's imperative that everything goes in there to protect her as this will be the legal document that moves with her. There is still more to do on the EHCP, following a submission this year from CAMHS and last year's submission from the initial paediatrician. There has been a change in the staff at the LA and it's clearly being blocked there... somewhere. That'll be one of my next "battlegrounds".

Remaining calm on the outside while more angry and scared than I've ever felt about anything is a skillset I never knew I needed.

You're getting some great advice on here. @Cantunseeit it sounds like you did a great job and are continuing to do so. And a million yeses to this:

Good luck. As others have said, you're not alone (or crazy). Fight like you've never fought before 💪

I think the best way to go into the meeting is to be prepared. Write down all your questions and concerns. Over the next few days every time you think of something jot it down and nearer the time put it together into some sort of coherent plan on what you want to discuss. I can only imagine you probably feel that it’s all out of your control, so try and take some of it back. I hope that everything goes better than you anticipate and so sorry that you are having to go through this.

This is an incredibly insightful book. Irreversible Damage: Teenage Girls and the Transgender Craze amzn.eu/d/0ckiUIXx

I'm a in awe of your calmness, if this was one of my grandaughters I would be making Rambo look chilled!

I'm sorry you're in this position. I had to negotiate a similar situation with a clueless, be kind school. There's some great advice on this thread I'd add one small point. I ended up making a complaint about the first meeting I'd had with school when I tried to raise a safeguarding issue as my DD one of about 10 girls in her year group affected. Naïvely I thought pointing out the social contagion aspect would change school's approach but it didn't. When I ended up meeting HT and safeguarding lead, I was more measured, had way more evidence at my fingertips and didn't assume they knew or understood anything. I acknowledged that for every parent like me there was probably one trying to get school to go further and faster with transitioning their kid and that I didn't envy them. Sorry I'm going the scenic route here to make my point.

Which is, I acknowledged school was in a difficult position but they only had any responsibility for my child till she's 18 while we're her parents for life, no one knows her or loves her more and that my nightmare scenario was her asking me when she's 25 with a fully grown brain, " why didn't you stop me". The HT followed up with an ex pupil who had transitioned at school to see how they were doing (not well) and I really think that was the moment that they started listening to everything else I was saying.

It was back in 2021 so no Cass or KCSIS updates then and I've been feeding info to school ever since. They've definitely changed tack. My DD in a much better place. Not fully out of it but in s place we can be hopeful.

Good luck. As others have said, you're not alone (or crazy). Fight like you've never fought before

What are your plans for the summer?
If her dad is one of these "useless until it impacts on my control" dads then he won't be interested in doing anything with her, just in having control; Erin Friday has spoken about taking her daughter away off grid for weeks or months to get her away from the toxic friendship group. Any chance you could do something like that?

I’d be asking the school what clinical qualifications the person who started the Club has. Children shouldn’t be led towards social transition and clubs should be interest-based not affirming what should be a clinical diagnosis with absolutely no qualifications to do so (I presume).

As for your DD, I think it’s really important to listen to her. Act and speak in a neutral and calm way. Ask her questions and allow her to speak. You can’t lead her to the right answer. She has to find it herself, by exploring her thoughts (preferably with you) and by asking and answering questions. My first question to her would be, “Why?” Why does she want to socially transition? Change her name?