Heellp my 14 year old daughter says she wants to socially transition

OP, I'm so sorry. Nothing to add, just offering some solidarity.

My biggest concern right now is him alienating her from me by telling her I’m a bigoted transphobe (which he has told her).

Outrageous!

Having said that, there are now countless thousands of parents having to deal with their children being gaslit by the "you've got the wrong body" nonsense so the chances of being identified are remote.

Agreed. I hope I didn't push my own paranoia on to you there, OP. I'm so scared about my daughter's future in this hideous medical scandal that it's sometimes difficult to keep things in perspective.

My guess is it's the unlikely possibility of someone recognising your situation? Having said that, there are now countless thousands of parents having to deal with their children being gaslit by the "you've got the wrong body" nonsense so the chances of being identified are remote.

It's excellent news if the school have finally dropped the LGBT club. I think there's a growing realisation that schools got on the wrong side of this in listening to all the trans groups and they're quietly reversing back to safeguarding being their priority (and hoping that nobody notices their previous failures).
It's good if you feel the Cafcass person is trying to be impartial. A parent who calmly but determinedly insists that their child must be safeguarded from thinking their body is wrong but can be fixed with a sex change is in an increasingly powerful position post Cass. The courts also take a dim view of parents trying to alienate the other parent - especially if that parent is signed up to a dangerous ideology.

Wishing you all the best

Initially, activists.
Unfortunately any of us who push back on this are potential targets. I'm so sorry to bring this up, on top of all the other things you've got going on.

Obviously I'm not you, but it were me, I would leave this thread here if it happened. I would then stop posting on it and focus on everything IRL only until I had worked out what was going on and what I wanted to do about it.

Top priority would be my daughter above all else. You're already doing this and right now (as I see it) you're getting some great advice here. The unknown quantity in how this unfolds in an activist/doxing capacity is your ex and those who support him. I only mention this because you say he's prominent/vocal in some capacity in this.

💐💐💐💪💪💪

Although the overwhelm sounds incredibly tough, it also sounds like you're doing amazingly OP. Having people in your corner IRL is key e.g. the school and CAFCASS. Also I'd echo the advice above about having your objection to any medical intervention in writing.

Given your ex is plastering things on FB and is very active politically, unfortunately there's a chance you may be doxed. Obviously your own comfort level with risk is paramount here but this thread could be useful if you are. The most important thing is your relationship with your daughter, so conversely you may wish to have this thread hidden at some point if you are. I have got a few thresholds in my mind about what I'd do if I was doxed and all are linked to centring my daughter. Her anonymity is so important to me (and part of me is very uncomfortable that I've discussed things about how she feels online, albeit anonymously, while I figure out how best to support her). But my own personal "risk assessment" is that I will reluctantly accept that our family's risk of exposure goes up as I do more things IRL but the more I do IRL, my daughter's overall risk of harm goes down. So my plan is to stay anonymous as long as possible - the longer this happens, the more chance of her staying safe from harm - but if I am doxed I will (reluctantly) be ready. Sorry to add that to your plate but it's worth having in the back of your mind xx

The key takeaway from the whole series for me was - you are the adult, you are the parent it's your role today 'No' and keep saying 'No'! Get her counselling now and keep here away from that teacher, she is being groomed!

Yes that’s exactly why I suggested Ms Bindel’s podcast. It’s also the general approach of O’Malley and Ayad in Gender A Wider Lens. Empowering parents.

OP, just had a though, is it possible to register with CAFCASS, your daughters GP, and anyone else that will listen that not only do you not give consent for medical transistion, but that you very specifically and explicitly withhold your consent? Maybe email them so it's in writing?

IANAL bit I feel that might give you more protection than the absence of any recorded objection - A GP or social services might proceed on Dad's say so without asking you, but I feel it would be a different matter if they had a letter from you saying you withhold consent.

It makes it clear that to go against your wishes will lead to a world of aggravation for them (and possible legal action) and may be enough to scare them into taking the sensible watch and wait approach.

Good luck in protecting your daughter x

Yes..... Although this may be too much.

I say this because I'm not ready to listen to it yet, owing to my own situation (which is less precarious than the OP's).

It's the pain in the parents' voices that I can't face. Reading accounts is different - it's awful when children have been pulled into this despite having at least one parent who wanted to be cautious, but (from my POV) it's something I can only handle in writing.

Great post above from @AstonScrapingsNameChange

You've got this, OP. It may not always feel like it but you do. Awareness of this awful medical scandal is growing. TRAs who push for this harm no matter what - and are forever lurking in these threads about children... Hi 👋 - will not win out. The Cass Report started the shift and it's growing. Schools are the next battle front - and the statutory KCSIE guidance is the key to open that door.
Also you've got lots of us here in the weird world of the internet who have your back to give you sanity and ideas 💪 xxx

Listen to the podcast Julie in Genderland by Julie Blindel. It's interviews with parents in your position plus young people who believe/d they were trans.

The key takeaway from the whole series for me was - you are the adult, you are the parent it's your role today 'No' and keep saying 'No'! Get her counselling now and keep here away from that teacher, she is being groomed!

My heart goes out to you OP - what a shitty situation.

You're doing an amazing job 💐💐💐

I don't have anything to add to the excellent advice already given, except to reiterate the importance of remaining factual and to focus on the safeguarding risks and bring everything back to the law and to Cass.

Writing out a personal 'risk register' could be a useful way to help you order your thoughts in order to present all the facets of the situation to CAFCASS, school and anyone else who needs to hear it. Objectively balance the risks to your daughter of his approach vs yours - clearly and objectively presenting the potential negative impacts of what her dad is trying to do.

Family courts are only interested in their perceived best interest of the child, so this needs to clearly underpin all your arguments. What is the reason you didn't already have 50:50 shared care in place? Did he dad not want it or wasn't able to do it previously? Have his circumstances changed? Seems like he only wants it now to get at you and use her for his pet project. Have you got any evidence - emails etc - of him refusing to be involved previously , or doing harmful things? Previous manipulation or coercive control?

Do you have a good solicitor who is not in thrall to gender woo?

No need to answer on here as it could be outing, but things to consider.

Sending so much virtual support xx

https://sex-matters.org/posts/updates/how-should-schools-respond-to-gender-questioning-children/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/seen-in-schools-758137303

Report the LGBTQ teacher to the Sex, Equality & Equity Networks in School (SEEN), Sex Matters and Ofsted. There will be more listening ears towards trans grooming by teachers than there used to be.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Contact the Bayswater Support Group who are run by parents & professionals. They take a more neutral approach towards gender Dysphoria. They are the complete opposite to Mermaids and Stonewall so you'll get some decent advice there.

@Pleasegotobed Julie Bindel’s new podcast, Julie in Genderland, has interviews with parents who’ve gone through this, and also a couple of young people who’ve desisted. Might offer you some hope and ideas/strategies.

Here's the link to the thread that I started about the Cass Report debate in parliament:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womensrights/5050831-debate-happening-in-house-of-commons-victoria-atkins-on-fire?utmcampaign=thread&utmmedium=share

If you want to listen to it, the URL in my OP doesn't work now (it was live only) but there's another one in the thread. There's also a link to the Hansard transcript. Plus lots of useful commentary from the brilliant posters of MN (there might be a few quotes you could use in your comms to articulate the safeguarding risk that your daughter is facing).

It's important that Social Services can see information that frames the safeguarding risk correctly. At the moment it sounds like you're being framed as the risk 😔 But with the Cass Report and KCSIE guidance (and the non-statutory Gender Questioning Children guidance that is linked to the statutory KCSIE) it's possible to demonstrate why that is completely the wrong way round.

Sending 💪 and 💐. Am thinking of you xxx

OP, I've been thinking about your situation so much because I fully understand the fear that you have described (from my own perspective, where my risk is lower as I'm not at odds with my husband on it). My own fear dominates my life right now, so I channel it to make user of it, so I can only imagine it notching up if things change. I wanted to share some practical thoughts:

1. find your allies. Perhaps the CAFCAS lady is one? Also be aware that allies can get scared and turn. Rogdmum has previously posted on here about this
2. demonstrate your reasonableness and focus entirely on the law/regulations/guidance that isn't being followed e.g. the KCSIE guidance regarding the LGBT club.
3. avoid emotive language. I agree with MrsO that it sounds like the LGBT staff lead is "grooming" the children, in the same way that Lia Nici used exactly this word in parliament in the Cass debate in parliament in April. There is a thread on this - the Hansard from the debate has some useful stuff from MPs and you can quote from it if needed. The Miriam Cates quote about the medical/safeguarding scandal is useful but needs to be positioned carefully IMO e.g. "there was agreement from both sides of the House that the Cass Report recommendations needed to be followed to address what has been described as "[quote]" by an MP in parliament on [date]. The new government is now taking the recommendations forward"
4. separate the school from home regarding risk management. The school needs to follow paragraphs 205-209 of the new KCSIE guidance. Maybe ask this re the LGBT club: "to support my daughter's safeguarding, please could you confirm how the staff members who run the LGBT club will separate and moderate the group's discussions about LGB from "T" (now referred to as "gender questioning") in line with the new KCSIE guidance".
5. I don't know enough details about the relatively new coercive control laws but could you get a free one hour consultation with a knowledgeable barrister in this field in respect of family law? E.g. contact Sarah Phillimore on X (she's very responsive and knowledgeable). To me it sounds like your daughter's dad is leading her in line with his own activism, rather than supporting her neutrally. Yes, it seems to be her free will that she's identifying as a boy but the combination of the school club "grooming" and potential coercive control at home could be a factor.

Note to MNHQ: I am using the word "grooming" in the same context as Lia Nici in parliament when referring to the safeguarding of children. Please can you let me know if I need to rephrase this in my comment.

he has ordered a “trans celebration pack” which I happened to see! Many flags, badges and hats etc.

So pandering rather than parenting. What an asshat. You, otoh, are doing a great job as a parent.

Sending hugs OP 💐💐💐💐

Do you know where your MP stands on this issue? If you've got a Tory or Labour MP, they may be able to help you because both are backing the Cass Report recommendations.

What a horrible situation 😔😔 I can fully understand why you're scared.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and that your DD’s dad is acting in this way. Please read up on the Cass report and ask the professionals involved in CAFCAS whether they have done the same.
In summary, Cass is clear that social transition is not neutral, that affirmation model of treatment is not evidence based and that medical treatment also lacks evidence. Medication should only be offered as part of a registered trial through specific clinics and as yet there are no trials. There is a ban on puberty blockers for gender questioning children.
My approach would be to ask any professional who is not up to speed with Cass Report to read it and any professional suggesting your DD should be cared for/treated in a way that is in conflict with it what their rationale for explicitly going against what the NHS are now doing is and what qualifies them to do so.

So sorry to hear this. Sex Matters or Transgender Trend both have access to excellent lawyers and they may be able to point you in the right direction for advice?

There's more expertise now in dealing with this stuff and the Cass Review is a game changer in terms of highlighting the dangers of socially transitioning children.