Advice please: Dreading TRA friend's visit

If you're deliberately leaving things around to provoke a guest in your own house, it's shitty petty behaviour.

My stock line will only ever be 'nothing you can say will make me think that transitioning gay, lesbian and autistic kids and making them sterile with off book cancer drugs or putting rapists into women's prisons is a good thing so you may as well give up now'.

What sort of open questions would you ask?

@Cazpar

I'll leave what books I want where I like in my own house. The OP wants to engage with her, so it's a way to open up the conversation.

This is good advice, OP.

She's a guest and an old friend of your H. Be civil and polite. Don't deliberately seek out arguments or try to provoke her by leaving books lying around, that's just shitty petty behaviour.

If the topic comes up, just say you disagree but refuse to get into an argument (a PP had a really good post).

It's supremely ironic that this thread is half full of people saying "the blue haired cult can never leave well enough alone" and the other half saying "leave these books out, how naughty" etc.

It's best to ignore people who build strawmen arguments. They try to derail threads like this, where the OP has every right to discuss her concerns.

I would avoid the topic but if she insists on bringing it up, I would say something like "sorry, but I would rather not have any homophobic discourse in this house". Put her on the back foot before she accuses you!

Wow. Talk about jumping to assumptions. There's exactly zero to suggest OP has "an issue with gay people" - are you always this narrow-minded and bigoted towards other people? If so, you forgot asking when she stopped beating her wife (/children/dog/cat.)

She probably has a thread somewhere on reddit, dreading her weekend with her friend's wife who so captured by TERF ideology ...

I tend to say something like, 'I see things differently' if/when I am being pressed to engage- but then move the subject on to something different. If they come back to it, I'd say that I'd rather not discuss this right now.

Perhaps try and focus on what unites you and the others and guide the interactions towards this?

She twigged pretty quickly that I was only playing dumb

I think your posts are great, it's extremely hard to be convincing at playing dumb on a topic if:

• You know a lot about the subject, ie more than the average person does

• They know a lot about the subject to know how much you know that you wouldn't know if you really were clueless

• You're not an Oscar worthy actor

My prepared simple shut down will be something like, I don't like identity politics. If pressed further will just shrug my shoulders.

I'm not good at confrontation and being socially anxious, I will fluff any lines that are too clever like the glorious stuff on here.

I have it ready in case the TRA at work ever says anything. When he was talking about JKR I just pulled a 😬 face and went about my business.

Or Helen Joyce if you want to be more direct.

I'd probably just leave a JK Rowling novel lying on the table casually and leave it to her to bring it up.

How on earth is that homophobic? Its not a defining characteristic of someone who's gay is it?

OK, having read through all the replies, this is what I would do.

First, talk to your husband. Presumably he knows what your views are. Does he agree with them? Does he know how wedded his friend is to her views and how likely she is to bring them up in conversation?

Say to him what you've said here. Basically, "So... your friend Katie added me on Facebook the other day and her timeline is wall to wall trans rights stuff. As you know, I have a very different opinion about all that stuff, and I've encountered people with those kind of views before who find any excuse to drop it into conversation to see what side you're on and start a fight if you have views they disagree with. How do I navigate this if she brings it up in conversation? This really is an important issue for me and whilst I'm happy not to bring the subject up myself, I also don't feel comfortable sitting in silence while someone else spouts all these views unchallenged. It's making me dread her visit, to be honest."

See what your husband says and decide on your strategy following that conversation.

If you do want to be prepared to challenge her on her views, I'd have a few well prepared lines.

My red line is people slagging off JK Rowling. The reason for this is because she's been so brave sticking her head above the parapet on behalf of all women and girls that it feels like utter cowardice to sit and listen to other people laying into her without saying anything. I did stick up for her recently in a parenting WhatsApp group and was promptly kicked out of it, but at least my integrity remained intact.

I think what I would say if anyone raises JK Rowling in the future is this:

"Everyone keeps saying JK Rowling is transphobic, but I've read what she has written and I don't actually think she is. She's not saying that trans people's rights are unimportant, she's saying that women's rights and child safeguarding are equally important. To be honest with you, I think the idea that women are allowed to have some single sex spaces and sporting categories of their own is one that most people support. And I don't know anyone who thinks it's a good idea to perform risky medical interventions on trans children whose brains aren't fully developed yet and don't fully understand the consequences of the choice they are making. She might be unusual in expressing these views so publicly and to such a large audience, but her views themselves are really very mainstream."

You have different opinions. You won't change her mind. She wont change yours

Just dont talk about those subjects.

I have a friend like this. I don't think she has any idea how polar opposite our views are as it very rarely makes its way into conversation. I second the nod and smile technique as a PP mentioned - this worked well last time I saw her, when she made a comment about Drag Queen Story Hour.

I'd keep my mouth firmly shut. You won't sow seeds of doubt in somebody like this, the only thing you'll do is make them decide you're a big ol' literal violence murdering bigot and further entrench them in their views. It's just the things one who believes that men are women need to do in order to maintain their ego.

Keep it zipped, and do you damn hardest not to give off any clues, because people like this love to sniff out "bigots" and "call them out" - act with perfect poise and grace and let your H enjoy his friend's visit.

If it comes up, just say you're not religious, and not an extremist. (Letting men in women's toilets and win and women's sports is extremist in my view...)

I would practice my voice. Yes, I would say something. I'm trying to learn to be like Helen Joyce, Kathleen Stock etc at being so fantastically unemotional whilst presenting facts. I'd love to be able to look her in the eye and challenge her misogyny in a clear unemotional voice. So. I'd see it as practice.

The trouble is that if you suggest agreeing to disagree, they will say that it isn't a matter of debate, TWAW, trans people exist and are valid, you don't get to disagree about something as fundamental as another person's existence, yadda yadda.

Saying "let's not get into an argument about this" will be interpreted and reframed as "I am a bigot who doesn't like trans people and I can't justify my point of view because it's just bigotry".

Basically, unless you are willing to just keep your mouth shut and silently seethe, you have to get into an unwinnable argument.

‘Blue haired alphabet soup’ is not a phrase I’d use myself but maybe I understand it differently because my take is that it refers to Trans people and would never associate it with someone being homophobic. Transphobic perhaps since they have their own unique word.

If she starts a conversation, I would just say, with our vastly differing views on this subject, I suggest we move on to something else.

And don't engage