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Original poster

Why are some men such dicks?

39 replies

Swamphag · 05/05/2024 09:14

Not really sure this is the best place for this as it's not actually about gender but a few things over last week have had me wondering what the fuck is wrong with men. Apologies if it's long, I just feel like I need to get it out.

Last night I went to a talk on witch-hunts (like the actual hunting of witches in the 1600s not modern day persecution of those who hold views that others don't like) It was really interesting and at the end there was the obligatory any questions section. A bloke raised his hand and said "We often think of women has being tried for witchcraft but you mentioned men [in passing, factually there were some men accused but the numbers pale in comparison with the number of women accused]. How many men were executed?" Fuck's sake can we not even have being hanged for witchcraft without some twat piping up with "What about the men?!?"

Earlier in the week I got a Facebook message from a long forgotten ex. We dated in my early twenties when I was mentally quite fragile. I fell pregnant and due to circumstances had a termination. At the time I felt quite pressurised to do it but was fine and the right decision to make. We split not much long after. It took me quite a long time after things ended to realise how damaging the relationship had been. And that the guy who was "always up for a laugh" actually just enjoyed humiliating me in public. Anyway I healed and am now married, have a lush family, decent job and my life is really good. Turns out the ex's partner has just had a baby (5 weeks ago) He sent a picture of himself and the baby as a way of checking that it was actually me he was messaging (my social media is very private, don't have my picture on profile etc, so it was kind of an "Is it you? This is a picture of me" situation) Without any fucking thought for my feelings. He felt it was ok to just barge into my life after nearly 30 years and go "look at me, look at my life, look at my baby". He had no way of knowing what my life was like. No thought that I might not have been able to have kids or that I might've spent 30 years regretting the termination. No consideration for the way he treated me or thought that actually, I might not want to hear from him. Why on earth didn't he give a second of thought to the fact that he treated me like absolute shit? Nope, he just though "Oh, there's Swaphag on Facebook I'll drop her a message. She'll be thrilled to hear from me"

Also this week, a colleague told me that she'd been at a work thing with her male manager and they'd been doing a "fun" type activity. During the activity he started trying to put her off by saying things like "Ooh, I can see your knickers" "Ooh, I've just accidentally touched your boob" "Ooh, everyone can see down your top" Just basically belittling her in front of potential clients (mostly male) who - from what I can gather - just guffawed along with the tedious bore.

What the fuck is wrong with men that they appear incapable of considering women and their feelings? They really just don't give a fuck about us as humans do they? I've found myself really upset by these things and the fact that every single fucking day they evidence their contempt for us.

OP posts:
StickItInTheFamilyAlbum · 05/05/2024 13:28

ZaraWebsiteGivingMeTheDoubleRage · 05/05/2024 11:46

The cynic in me says your long forgotten ex wasn't thoughtless. Strange timing to contact you, after all these years.

He won't ever do this in front of me because he knows I'd happily hang his bollocks on my office wall like a hunting trophy.

I do like your style 😎

Strong men don't need to be arseholes.

Leaving this here as I just found it for a different thread.

Some classic cases of men who couldn't keep up in a men's group so unilaterally decided to join a women's group and ended up with women leaving (cycling).

Lots of examples where the mansplainer ended up dominating and drove others away and instructors/tutors/others who let them for whatever unaccountable reason.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/chat/4186758-arseholes-who-ve-ruined-groups-and-hobbies

Arseholes Who've Ruined Groups And Hobbies | Mumsnet

Moved house last year, then COVID happened. I am CEV and so have done loads of shielding and joining a hobby group I was looking forward to post move...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4186758-arseholes-who-ve-ruined-groups-and-hobbies

Truthlikeness · 05/05/2024 11:52

Swamphag · 05/05/2024 11:23

I actually think it's his first child (he's 50 - not quite 30 years since we were together) Got this info from a couple of exchanged messages which I engaged in to be polite before withdrawing from the conversation (Why? Why did I feel the need to interact with him rather than ignore?!?) But yes I suspect his partner must be much younger than him.

@GrumpyPanda sadly, until she makes a complaint or someone else witnesses it and makes a complaint on her behalf, there's not much I can do. She won't make a complaint - he's pushed her boundaries over several years and she puts it down to "well it's just <<insert tedious bore's name here>> isn't it? He doesn't mean anything by it")
He won't ever do this in front of me because he knows I'd happily hang his bollocks on my office wall like a hunting trophy. I live in hope that one day either she wakes up or someone reports him.

Show quote history

I'm not sure the other woman has to be the one to make the complaint. You can complain that his sexualised behaviour was making you uncomfortable. I pretty sure that would be a valid complaint in my workplace. Obvs not sure what your policies are or which country you are in

ZaraWebsiteGivingMeTheDoubleRage · 05/05/2024 11:46

The cynic in me says your long forgotten ex wasn't thoughtless. Strange timing to contact you, after all these years.

He won't ever do this in front of me because he knows I'd happily hang his bollocks on my office wall like a hunting trophy.

I do like your style 😎

Strong men don't need to be arseholes.

ToveJanssonsWife · 05/05/2024 11:44

Once you spot the sexism and misogyny it’s very difficult to not see it.

I see examples everywhere.
My lovely friend whose husband is having something of a mid life crisis and putting his needs far above my friend’s, and blaming her for them being dragged down by having children.

A women who is world class in her job, whose husband treats her like shit in public, presumably because he is a mediocre man who can’t cope with not being the successful part of the couple.

I can’t think of one man, including those in my family, who doesn’t take advantage of his male status in many ways. Even the lovely ones who changed nappies and actually took a fair part in parenting their own children.

I’m so irritated by women who dismiss it and can’t see it (or choose not to see it?).

Original poster
Swamphag · 05/05/2024 11:23

CriticalCondition · 05/05/2024 10:26

If I've done the maths right the long forgotten ex-boyfriend has fathered a newborn in his mid-fifties. Sounds like a massive backstory which likely features other much older children and a new, much younger wife. Hmm.

I know two men who did this. Both complete dicks and one of them a really nasty bully. He also used to spend any social occasion humiliating his first wife. It was awful.

Sorry, OP. What a horrible week. I agree with a PP that most of them don't know how to turn down the volume or change the channel. To use another metaphor it's the water they swim in and they can't see it. Although after many years my husband does sometimes spot his own mansplaining so it can be done.

I actually think it's his first child (he's 50 - not quite 30 years since we were together) Got this info from a couple of exchanged messages which I engaged in to be polite before withdrawing from the conversation (Why? Why did I feel the need to interact with him rather than ignore?!?) But yes I suspect his partner must be much younger than him.

@GrumpyPanda sadly, until she makes a complaint or someone else witnesses it and makes a complaint on her behalf, there's not much I can do. She won't make a complaint - he's pushed her boundaries over several years and she puts it down to "well it's just <<insert tedious bore's name here>> isn't it? He doesn't mean anything by it")
He won't ever do this in front of me because he knows I'd happily hang his bollocks on my office wall like a hunting trophy. I live in hope that one day either she wakes up or someone reports him.

OP posts:
AliCantI · 05/05/2024 11:21

I’m annoyed on your behalf for all three of those scenarios - but the 2nd one?

That has been a horrible week for you - have some 💐and just be thankful that the ex became an ex a very long time ago and that you have a lovely, lush life - he, despite recent developments, is obviously one very fucked-up individual.

Rainbowshit · 05/05/2024 11:18

GrumpyPanda · 05/05/2024 10:45

I hope you encouraged your colleague to report to HR given that she was subjected to very deliberate sexual harassment.

I was just about to type exactly the same thing. That's definitely sexual harassment.

GrumpyPanda · 05/05/2024 10:45

I hope you encouraged your colleague to report to HR given that she was subjected to very deliberate sexual harassment.

CriticalCondition · 05/05/2024 10:26

If I've done the maths right the long forgotten ex-boyfriend has fathered a newborn in his mid-fifties. Sounds like a massive backstory which likely features other much older children and a new, much younger wife. Hmm.

I know two men who did this. Both complete dicks and one of them a really nasty bully. He also used to spend any social occasion humiliating his first wife. It was awful.

Sorry, OP. What a horrible week. I agree with a PP that most of them don't know how to turn down the volume or change the channel. To use another metaphor it's the water they swim in and they can't see it. Although after many years my husband does sometimes spot his own mansplaining so it can be done.

Hugosmaid · 05/05/2024 09:34

OP I was going to say in my line of work I come across plenty of women who are dicks.

But after reading your post - yeah I agree with you 😂

tangycheesythings · 05/05/2024 09:31

They've allowed and encouraged each other to be like this for hundreds, if not thousands, of years - domineering, loud, self important etc.

I'm not sure they even know how to turn the volume down or change the channel now. They seem to be having a collective identity crisis. Understandable really - it's needs sorting out though so that the end result is harmonious rather than destructive.

Blackcats7 · 05/05/2024 09:30

In general I think men are conditioned to think they are more important and women are there to serve. Or at least my generation (I’m in my fifties) was.
These issues still seem to be prevalent today though with the added extra of porn and even worse violent porn affecting men’s expectations.
Of all the men I have known or know now almost all have been sexist to some degree and many wildly so. I have met a few outright misogynists too.
In fact I can only think of three men I have ever met who weren’t sexist and treated women as equals. Sadly none of these three lovelies were my two ex husbands!

RedToothBrush · 05/05/2024 09:29

Dunno. Perhaps we should ask Elon for a positive contribution to this discussion.

AstonUniversityScrapedMyCorpus · 05/05/2024 09:24

Fuck's sake can we not even have being hanged for witchcraft without some twat piping up with "What about the men?!?"

This is now one of my favourite ever mumsnet quotes.

Flowers

I don’t have anything useful to explain why those men were all being so spectacularly shit but I do agree they were.

Shame Shit Man Three wasn’t told everyone can see his bald patch.