Why are some men such dicks?

It can be really unsettling to get a random contact from a long gone ex when you didn't part in the best of circumstances.

Sorry you had to deal with that it sounds awful.

I can't believe the posters saying he was just trying to be friendly 🙄exactly the same justification for thoughtless trampling of women's boundaries as blokes wolf whistling etc.

Miserable women can't just accept some friendly contact 🙄

This is why those men do it, they are encouraged and enabled by society to put their own wants above whatever a woman might want, and we're conditioned to be nice about the unwanted contact (which is why OP felt she had to respond despite not wanting to).

Whatever someone's reasons for contacting you out of the blue, you don't have to respond. But as women were conditioned to be nice/ kind/ polite not to think 'hang on, is this what I actually want?

Not strictly relevant, but DP always hands me those kinds of tubes to open, because he knows I find it SO DAMN SATISFYING. Ditto sweetener tubs/coffee jars/anything with a stabby lid I can stab stab stab.

I agree OP.

Recently, my local police force wrote a post, on Facebook, highlighting violence against women and girls. The replies to this post were full of comments about how it happens to men too. It is so depressing.

😂😂😂

He won't ever do this in front of me because he knows I'd happily hang his bollocks on my office wall like a hunting trophy.

So he is fully aware of what is appropriate or not and is deliberately pushing boundaries with your colleague.

I'd report him on her behalf, definitely!

Thank you, that's interesting.

The first example about witchcraft - I don't see that as men being dicks at all. I myself am quite interested to hear if any men were believed to be witches (or a male equivalent). That's just having a curious mind.

I'm inclined to agree, although I can't speak to his motives, I know what mine would be and I'm female. Being left handed, owning a black cat (?) or having a birthmark were all some signs of witchcraft/the devil. It would start my mind wandering about the proportion of left handed men that were executed vs left handed women for example, although in reality it's something that you'd never truly know because people would try and hide it/become ambidextrous. My own grandmother was forced to write right handed and I'm only mid 30s (both of us lefties, along with my mother!).

It's one of those questions I would probably ask and no one would eye roll, but because a man asked about it about men, you can't help but read into it.

Yes, some men were considered witches. But systematic persecution of women was what constituted the vast majority of witch trials and executions.

https://witches.hca.ed.ac.uk/

'84% were women and 15% men. The sex is not known for 1% of those accused.'

Exactly.

The first example about witchcraft - I don't see that as men being dicks at all. I myself am quite interested to hear if any men were believed to be witches (or a male equivalent). That's just having a curious mind.
The ex with a baby? Maybe slightly thoughtless but maybe he was genuinely trying to be friendly. If you had a female friend who knew about your termination and they sent you a photo of their baby many years later, would you be so upset? Because my friend had a termination and a decade later she's seen pictures of my children.
The last example - yes he's a complete dick.

@AstonUniversityScrapedMyCorpus you are a genius! Please have this in your arsenal ladies!

"Shame Shit Man Three wasn’t told everyone can see his bald patch"

💪

No. I’m saying they I don’t give him unwanted advice.

I'm sorry, are you saying that women never give their partners unwanted advice?

That's an odd one, because it's something men complain about as being a woman thing pretty regularly.

I don't think either characterization is particularly true, it's a people thing.

He won't ever do this in front of me because he knows I'd happily hang his bollocks on my office wall like a hunting trophy.

I hope you don’t mind, but I am absolutely going to steal this phrase!

And you are right, men are dicks. My normally decent husband is currently on my shit list because he didn’t want me to take a bath (and therefore leave him looking after DC). Then he accused me of something, I can’t actually remember what, fixating on having a bath, I think, despite me not having mentioned it since asking him two minutes earlier. But he has now realised the error of his ways as he is now bathing DC and suggested that I have a bath afterwards while he does the bedtime routine. And the best bit - I didn’t say anything about it. Just a look. Gotta go - he has just shouted down the stairs that he is running the bath for me.

Your friend’s ‘it’s just tedious bore isn’t it’ rationalisation made me think of this of this 30 year old article Collinson, M., & Collinson, D. (1996). It's only Dick': the sexual harassment of women managers in insurance sales. Work, Employment and Society, 10(1), 29-56. that sadly still resonates.

“In general I think men are conditioned to think they are more important and women are there to serve.”

This is the absolute truth of it all. Women are considered chattels and if they start to talk about things that exclusively effect them, men can’t stand the noise and want to redirect us chippy lot to focus back on what’s really important, ie, serving them and their needs.

What you do is point blank refuse to pander to it and challenge the thinking every single time.

Another one loving your style OP!

My partner of 25 years is a decent non sexist man but even he steps over the line at times without thinking. The other day I opened a new tube of Voltarol and he said to me that I might need to use the cap to open the tube. I told him that as I am 10 years older than him, I was regularly opening tubes whilst he was still in primary school! It's that occasional need to impart unwanted advice which never happens the other way round.

@Swamphag if its any help ... 'I actually think it's his first child (he's 50...' think about what being a dad of a newborn at that age with younger partner will be like. Being mistaken for the grandparent when out and about? Sleepless nights and (by then in 60s) being a bit too worn out to keep up with child.

He may have wanted to rattle you by sending this but he is only just at the start of a journey and he's not going to find it the easiest.

Re your colleague. Really well done to be someone she can come to and being ready to stand witness if she does break cover and report this guy. Its wearing when people come to you with problems which you are itching to solve and which you are powerless to get fixed. But you are helping her already.

FWIW my husband (40+ years now) has always seen that men can behave badly and done his best not to be one of them. It really upsets him when it happens. He started ranting about GI about 10 years ago and I was still at the (hangs head) 'what's the fuss, let's be kind' stage until a couple of years ago.

I’m regularly flabbergasted by how so many men seem unable to hear/see themselves and feel embarrassed. I had this with my ex, he saw himself as such a mr nice guy, he was soooo funny and charming and self-deprecating, and that’s who I thought he really was at first - so I just couldn’t understand why he would do things like wait for me to pick up all the grocery or travel bags then walk along beside me carrying nothing. I would say “you need to carry some bags” so he’d take one - not half of them. Then think he was a star for carrying more than he had been originally.

I could not work it out. How could he not see the unfairness? I would have an argument with him about it and he’d say “but I don’t like carrying heavy bags, it hurts my arms”. As if I was doing it because I liked it!

The deep, deep entitlement and view of women as there to serve them - even a woman they claim to love - is astonishing and it blows my mind even more how they can’t see it and think they’re 100% reasonable. I would challenge my ex and get annoyed and then I was on his case and nagging and why should he do what I said 🙄and of course this played out with loads of things and I see it in other men all the time too.

I’m currently dealing with a client who is so full of himself and literally wangs on about how great he is and what a wonderful person he is 🤦🏻‍♀️ and he will not listen to any suggestions I make (from the POV of decades of experience). It could be the most obvious fucking solution but he’ll reject it because I suggested it. It’s exhausting.

He won't ever do this in front of me because he knows I'd happily hang his bollocks on my office wall like a hunting trophy.

😁

I'm sorry you've had a shit week, OP. It has produced a couple of gems like this and the witch-hunt line, at least!

The basic problem is that some men never grow up. They remain sniggering little boys their whole lives. You see it all the time. Men who reach about 12 or 13 and stick there until their mid-50s (sitting cross legged while they play video games, sniggering about sex, etc), then around 57 or 58 they morph into miserable, moaning old men who never want to go anywhere or do anything. Many men never grow into adults at all.

Regarding your colleague’s experience, is it worth alerting HR so there is witness testimony on record if she decides to report him at a later date? Are there any HR people around who can say whether or not this is useful if a complaint is subsequently logged by the affected person?

I'm sorry you had such a run of bad experiences recently, OP, and here is the traditional MN token of support .
But I have to say I also really enjoyed? does that sound heartless? reading your posts, you have a great way with writing and your feelings really fizz through.
I'm glad you posted