Revealed: the hidden crime of sibling sexual abuse - Sunday Times

One of the most popular searches is for stepsister or step mum on porn sites. I find that very disturbing

@TempestTost raised a really significant point:

”And then we tend as a society to shy away from associating sexual desire with shame, which is frankly a very powerful tool in shaping behaviour.”

The direction of travel in society has definitely been “sex positive” in a way that has not been as carefully considered as it should be. Combine that with the fact that no one wants to think that a brother would do anything sexual to a sister, at in the ubiquity of porn and the general idea in society that all things sexual are good, we really have created a monster.

This is not the only area of sexualisation of society where shaming as preventative would be helpful.

I think there is one hell of a conversation that needs to be had around the use of the concept of shame: how do we do it, what are the pitfalls, how do we avoid them etc.

Thank you for your support. I worried whether I was too graphic here but I’ve spent so much of my life hiding it and at nearly 60 I think it’s time I stopped.

My wife knows all the details and my children know that I had a difficult childhood and I am estranged from my family, but I haven’t told them any of the specifics. I have a wonderful life now, my wife and I couldn’t be closer. She knows and loves me in my entirety and I her.

I’m very proud of our wonderful daughters and son, but I can’t deny it still pains me not to know my oldest child. I hope she is happy and successful not matter where she is or who she became.

Ticklish my heart goes out to you. That you found love and healing is wonderful but I feel for your childhood years. Thank you for sharing your experience - I don’t know what else to say but good luck and enjoy the beautiful life you’ve created.

I’ve got to my late 50s trying hard not to think too hard about sketchy memories of school summer holidays spent with my older brother while my parents worked. Definitely shouldn’t have left a 13 year old boy to ‘care’ for a 5 year old girl. Rough play, tying up, forced feeding of foods I didn’t like - I mentioned it to a friend once in my early 20s and they went ‘ewwww that sounds dodgy’ and I slammed the door shut on thinking too carefully about it just in case I stumbled across a memory that was too awful.

I have had issues with intimacy all my life but have managed to raise a family and I get on with my remaining family including my brother. We all gave a great sense of humour and are always joking at get-togethers - sometimes I fear we’re all just hiding something. I’m not going there but this article has given me the biggest knot in my stomach and I’m in the garden fighting back tears because I fear there’s something locked away inside of me. Awful but very important article and I thank The Times for printing it.

I was abused by my friends brother. More recently I have become convinced that he was also abusing her. I still see her a couple of times a year but I don't think I could ever bring it up

Oh wow this really hit quite close. I was raped by my older brother from the age of about 4. He was 15 when it started and early 20s when it ended. I still remember the agony and terror of the first time, and then being thrown into the bath as pain seared through me and blood gushed from between my legs.

I told my mother shortly afterwards and she said I was a terrible, wicked girl to say something so dirty and smacked me. It continued until I became pregnant at the age of 11. By the time it was discovered it was too late to have a termination and I gave birth 2 days after my 12th birthday. The labour and delivery were very scary and traumatic. The baby was taken and I never saw her again.

I didn’t feel I could tell anyone at the time after my mother’s reaction when I was younger. I left home at 16 but I was haunted by my experiences. Meeting my wonderful wife, experiencing loving sex and intimacy, and carrying and delivering our three beautiful children all helped to heal my soul. I still think about my oldest child every day though, and wonder how her life has been.

@IwantToRetire I know that in Australia rape crisis services are able to support people without having to report to police any crime the service user talks about in counselling. It's completely up to the survivor if they want to pursue a criminal or civil case or not.
I hope someone can clarify the situation in the UK because it's important for anyone who has survived sexual violence to know.
@ChateauMargaux that is just heart-breaking.

I wasn't abused by a sibling. I was abused by a cousin, though just a bit year older than me.

I tried to speak out when I was pregnant with my 3rd at 28.

My mom walked away saying, "Why didn't you tell us at the time?"

I clammed back up. It came tumbling out in a breakdown in 1995/6. This time, my mom listened.

I had other childhood trauma, too, with violence and secrets in the family

I wish this was more well known. It would have made a difference to my life.
”Siblings are responsible for more sexual abuse of children than any other family member; the studies indicate that a child is three to five times more likely to be abused by an older sibling than by a father or stepfather. Victims are usually younger than children abused by adults — typically five to seven years old — and abused for longer, on average for five years. The world’s largest study, conducted over two years by Rape Crisis, concluded in 2022 that up to 5 per cent of children in Britain have sexually abused a sibling.

SSA is very different from normal developmental curiosity, or what might be called “playing doctors and nurses”. Definitions vary, but a widely used one, by John Caffaro, an American psychology professor, is “sexual acts initiated by one sibling without the other’s consent, by use of force or coercion, or where there is a power differential between the siblings”. The majority of victims are girls, though the older sibling can sometimes be a sister. The abuse does not necessarily involve penetration, but the most common form of SSA recorded by the police in 2022 was rape.

Dynamics in the families where it occurs often include parental absence or lack of supervision, a family crisis such as parental illness, or parents asking their older child to babysit, oblivious to the risk. Poor sexual boundaries within the family, or exposure to pornography or domestic violence, increase the risk, reports the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, a charity that works to prevent child sexual abuse. Jealousy and resentment within step-families can also lead to SSA, and autism features disproportionately among siblings who sexually abuse.”

My mother was raped twice by her brother.. it destroyed her life. She repeatedly told people in authority and as recently as 5 years ago, she was told that if she really meant this, 'they' (being rape crises support) told her that they would have to report it to the police, there would be an investigation and they would knock on his door and did she really want that?

She is in her 70's and she is still being silenced.

Yes, it is a US based group.

Just read the Times article. Couldn’t access the Atlantic one sadly. Really quite startling, but actually unsurprising when you think about it. The level of internal conflict felt by those who had “good” family relationships shows how complex this issue is - reporting the abuse at the time clearly destabilises and blows up their life in a different way than abuse from a more “distant” perpetrator. There obviously needs to be a different approach to dealing with this than other SA.

I noted research indicated accessing porn seemed to be a factor with some of the perpetrators - the prevalence of internet porn access for kids makes this an issue needing an urgent public airing no matter how distasteful. Is this behaviour becoming more or less common?
What do parents do? Expand the “what’s under your pants is private” chat to include “everyone, even brothers and sisters”. I must admit, I wouldn’t have thought of adding that bit back in the day.

Hats off to those who have experienced this horror and had the bravery to raise awareness. I hope all who suffer this hidden form of abuse are able to heal and have happy lives.

This happened to me. I didn’t disclose until adulthood .

Thank you for posting this article and bringing the fact of sibling sexual abuse into the conversation. We are working on preventing and healing from SSA. Check out www.notchildsplaybook.com -- This is a website with resources and information as well as a way to see the anthology (35 women survivors, 56 first-hand stories, poems, and visual art plus preface, introductions, etc.) Not Child's Play: An Anthology on Brother-Sister Incest (2nd Edition).

I certainly showed signs - I started wetting the bed and wetting my pants, and there may have been other things too but I don't remember. My mum took me to what was then child guidance and I remember playing with dolls and puppets there, but I never disclosed to anyone what was happening, and it was put down to the fact that the previous year we'd returned to the UK from where I was born. When we were abroad my brother was at boarding school, so this didn't happen until I was five.

My poor DM was SA by her elder brother for 5 years until one day he stopped. She was late 30s when she finally disclosed it. Nobody believed her expect my dad.

I'm so sure I was SA as looking back I showed many signs but my brain won't let me remember.

The 'woman who discovers her ex-lover was her BROTHER' appears to have been a case of accidental incest between two people who had no idea they were related.

Slight aside but on topic.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-13214259/DNA-tests-like-23AndMe-Ancestry-laying-bare-frightening-extent-incest-including-woman-discovers-ex-lover-BROTHER.html
DNA tests like 23AndMe and Ancestry are laying bare the frightening extent of incest in the US - including woman who discovers her ex-lover was her BROTHER

The prevalence of incest in the US is far more common than previously thought, with research including common genealogy tests putting the rate at one in 7,000.

Dr Jim Wilson, from the University of Edinburgh who conducted that research, said: 'That’s way, way more than I think many people would ever imagine.’

It’s a far cry from one 1975 estimate in a psychiatric textbook, putting the rate at about one in a million.

I suspect the data for the UK is unlikely to be hugely different. That 5% quoted in the Times article sounds reasonable in this context.

The article talks about how people are doing DNA tests and finding out really awful things about their family and how their mother was abused by a close family member.

Long Lost Family definitely hasn't addressed this in its tear jerking TV. And I suspect it is encouraging people to test to find out about who their parents are only to find out stuff like this without any support.

I personally think there should be more awareness on the whole subject for this reason too. There's stopping abuse now and considering the impact on both victims and children born from it.

A three family members have done DNA tests in the last few months. Two have matches who they 'shouldn't' have. Not incest but it's come as something of a shock no the less. I can't imagine finding something like this out. There needs to be a lot more support available.