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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

What would you do? Re school staff member and colleague calling himself 'miss'

161 replies

Icantpeopleanymore · 04/02/2024 20:59

So it's a delicate situation...I work with a man who is lovely, very young, known him as both a student and now a colleague, he's not a teacher but has occasional contact with kids, I barely need to refer to him by 'Mr ...' but would have to in front of students, he's 'transitioning', on hormones, up until now on staff nights out etc he would wear dresses etc but I would just ignore it (he has a following of woke girls who are more than ready to compliment him on his outfits and I've just ignored it until now) he did once make reference to HRT when I was having a hot flush and compared it to his hormones, it was in a social gathering and not the right place so I just ignored it and changed the subject. However, he's now changed his email to Miss.. surname and I just cannot bring myself to do it. To me, it's actually teaching our students to lie and it's also plainly obvious he's a man, albeit a slightly built long haired one who wears trousers and jumpers to work so fairly gender neutral clothing too.

It just leaves a horrible taste in my mouth and it goes against everything I believe but I also don't want to hurt his feelings or be rude, he's a decent human being, but it's just not on at the same time. It'll only come up once or twice a term at most but others I know who also think it's a load of bollocks and deal with him daily are just going along with it, because he's a nice person and a friend, we've all known him years. They just don't want to be rude. I appreciate he's being brave to make this change of name but he's just so misguided...

It makes me so angry he's put us in this position but I cannot call him miss, it's just ridiculous! Plus I can imagine our students going...who?! As he's clearly a bloody man! Oh and is a scientist 🤦

How do you deal with it when it's at work, you want to be kind and not appear rude, but can't just use a first name? (It's a gender neutral first name thank god, just a shortening of a man's name that could be a woman's) but I can't do that in front of students...

OP posts:
caringcarer · 04/02/2024 21:24

I'd just not call a man Miss or Ms. I'd avoid calling him anything If I could. Smile across at him and ask him to pass you something. If you have to refer to him, to your class, I'd use my colleague. If he comments to you I'd just be honest and tell him as long as he has a Y chromosomes he's a male.

AJPGreen · 04/02/2024 21:23

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Theeyeballsinthesky · 04/02/2024 21:19

Tough one OP! Is he expecting the children to call him miss? How much contact does he have with pupils?

PermanentTemporary · 04/02/2024 21:18

I'd never thought about the requirement for titles in school.

I'm not sure there is an answer except to grit your teeth and make your mind blank. In the end, if someone asks to be called something that is legal etc, what can you do? The fight is not with individuals.

Ingenieur · 04/02/2024 21:14

Just use "my esteemed colleague".

HipTightOnions · 04/02/2024 21:13

Just try very hard to not refer to him by name at all.

He will expect the children to call him "Miss" and will presumably "correct" them if they call him "Sir".

HipTightOnions · 04/02/2024 21:11

You're just going to have to call this person Miss. Or Ms.

Why? Why is the default assumption that we all have to go along with this?

In other workplaces you can just use first names, but that doesn't work when there are children present.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 04/02/2024 21:09

Just try very hard to not refer to him by name at all. So if he is in the room 'please hand the retort stand over' and a hand wave in his direction. Refer to him directly rather than about him, making eye contact.

You don't say if he is a teacher or support staff. If another teacher I can go ages without saying thier name. Support staff who are in the room with you are trickier but you might be able to avoid it.

Soontobe60 · 04/02/2024 21:06

Why can’t you use his first name? We call each other by our first names in my school. The children aren’t stupid, they know we have first names!

OhBuggerandArse · 04/02/2024 21:03

This is going to be unbelievably stressful for you and there will be no sensible or easy way through. It would depend on how much contact you have with him, but if it's a lot, in your position, I would look for a new job if at all possible.

eggbot · 04/02/2024 21:01

You're just going to have to call this person Miss. Or Ms. Or any chance they could be a doctor?

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