My 13 year old says she is trans. How do I deal with this?

That sounds incredibly difficult but absolutely wonderful how you approached and managed it.

This article is in the Daily Mail today. Perhaps you could get your daughter to read it - if you think it's appropriate, of course.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12623643/Being-trans-non-binary-new-sub-culture-risk-raising-nation-chemically-castrated-children-Doctor-spent-12-years-working-vulnerable-teens-Tavistock-warns-gender-ideology.html

@Biasquia ❤️ great post

I don't know, I'm very middle-upper-middle class and I see feminism as something that's usually (of course not always) something more educated people tend towards, so it tends to be more middle-upper class. But of course common sense is associated with being working class and that's a factor here!

I'm dreading this happening with my son when he's older

It's so difficult because of course a teenager is going to do all they can to oppose their parents. Research seems to show most people do grow up to embrace their parents' general political stances, though, so perhaps a broadly tolerant approach, not arguing directly with her, but finding points of agreement and showing empathy while introducing different angles might help.

For example, empathising with attitudes towards oppressive gender constructs and finding out about your daughter's own feelings and experiences individual to her, as this might mean you can build shared understanding around this so as to introduce possible ways if approaching the issues that don't involve surgery.

I had this with my DD a little younger. I was completely supportive of her where she was at, she had very bad dysphoria about her changing body, she had serious issues with being female and wanted to be male. That was how she felt and I had huge empathy and understanding for that. We did some things that went with that but within limits. We used a gender neutral nickname but never used pronouns around her so she didn’t have to be affected by the offence that would cause.

Over time I spoke to her about my own beliefs, that to change sex is impossible but that these days people were going down the line of surgery, hormones and other things to change their appearance. I explained we would not support her to do that underage but would absolutely support her if they were her choices as an adult. I spoke about her having to come to terms with her body at some stage and the very serious consequences of telling your mind day in and day out that there was something wrong with your body that the mind operates on patterns and if these patterns are very deeply engrained no amount of surgery will be able to correct the patterns of thinking. The other thing I did was spend huge amounts of time and energy and effort helping her to develop her own personal identity giving her tonnes of attention and affection. Over time the dysphoria dropped off as she got used to the changes in her body, she started to develop as an independent individual and she became much more comfortable with herself as a person and the trans stuff just silently fell away. She is doing amazing now and is very comfortable with who she is as a female. I take nothing for granted with her and focus on her personhood as much as possible.

Appreciate the support. But I genuinely don't want this to deflect from the OT.

My daughter...ADHD...maybe ASD... definitely has phases/obsessions/fads of all sorts of things...my response is "oh, okay" !

I would give it much less attention. It sounds like a phase. The more you come down on it the more she will rebel. She needs space to row back in the future.

What is she looking at on SM? Keep an eye on that.

That’s unfair to @RealityFan, who’s been a thoughtful and supportive poster on FWR for a long time.

Omg. I have no idea how that gif got in there. So sorry.

I think a factor in this is the level of self absorption encouraged by social media. Endless self analysis of feelings and little activity/ distraction in physical activity, hobbies etc.
Thankfully my dc are well out of their teens, but the youngest, who has HF autism, would absolutely have been captured if they were younger. I agree that Bayswater and TGT are good for advice.

I'm getting the sense there are two types of thing going on when a girl says she is trans.
1- I don't want to be physically female, because periods, boobs, sexual attention, hyper focus on young women's bodies everywhere.

2- I, or others, think female body is in some way linked to your personality/mind etc and I don't have "that" kind of personality/mind so it's wrong for me to indicate that I do by having a female body.

Is it worth trying to tease out how much of each is at play here?

I also think there might be a bit of
3 - Boys/men are the default humans and women are fascinating "others" that have to constantly prove themselves, and I just want to be left alone.

This is very wise advice. It’s probably not possible to go completely off grid but in your position I would get her really busy. Climbing, hiking, kayaking, travel. Join her up to scouts. And cadets. Etc. I know it’s a lot of money but can you go away for a summer? Open her eyes a bit to the world.

If you think that there is a possibility that she’s neurodiverse I think that you should speak to school about that, discuss it with her, and consider going for an assessment.

I’d also consider the possibility that she’s lesbian and just not yet quite understood/accepted it yet. So I’d gradually introduce some positive lesbian influences into tv / books / films etc . Get tickets to see lesbian comics or musicians.

My own teenagers think the whole thing is ridiculous. I do wonder if we didn't have social media and the internet..would this have all blown up in the same way? It's definitely not as prevalent in my kids school as it would appear it is when you go on Tilktok.

I'm exactly the same as you. I can be 99.9 sure that it won't be an issue here but I'd take exactly the same stance.

My thought to the OT, who is refreshingly realistic about all this, is she knows how she feels, and is fully in touch with reality.

She knows this movement is cult, misogynistic, anti child protection, and if followed thru medically, irreversible and life changing.

She knows all these things, and she knows by definition her daughter doesn't.

Yes, mum knows best. Never was a phrase so accurate.

And she surely has to act in accordance with that. It's almost a first principles ethical situation. First principles are you act according to physical reality, the ethos of "first, do no harm". Everything flows from First Principles.

An older daughter away from the family home can choose to ruin their life in a cult, I'd expect a mum to work hard to extract the daughter. But a teen expressing the ultimate self harm intentions? Mum must stand her ground. We don't allow a child to voluntarily starve without intervention.

I don't think the OT could contemplate unlearning everything she has learnt in life, knowing her daughter is victim to social contagion. Fretting about whether to allow your kid to do a dangerous sport or go travelling is one thing, this is very much another.

The ASD aspect could be a thing here. Social conventions and nuance can be very difficult for people with asd, so I think this can relate to gender ideology. Like if your daughter doesn’t feel “girly” in a quite black and white view of what is and isn’t a girl, then she might presume she is a boy and that means trans. Whereas actually, not all teen girls want to wear make up and body con dresses and that’s ok but it doesn’t make them a boy.

Perhaps worth thinking about through this lens or if dd is really unhappy, thinking about a counsellor with asd expertise who can help them with how they are feeling and get them through puberty.

Been there. DD now 17 and less adamant but is work in progress. Also has ADHD.

Happy to answer questions but for us it was about:
Finding a non-affirmative therapist for 2 years (worth every penny but hard to find)
Refusing any name or pronoun changes at school (Hard work but we won)
Getting the ADHD diagnosis so that there is another reason for being 'different'
Refusing to change names or pronouns at home.

The best source of support are Bayswater, who have a great online message board which really helped for the first six or nine months; and also doing a couple of therapy sessions ourselves with a non-affirmative person. This gave us 'permission' from a specialist to do what we did.

Look at Bayswater Support, Transgender Trend.

My three are older and didn’t have to deal with this nonsense at school, although two of them, who have spent many years at Uni, are firm believers and I nearly lost contact with one son over my ‘bigoted ideas’.

Please let this be losing its kudos in schools. This is where the rot needs to stop, at the source of innocent victims (along with indoctrination in civil service/NHS).

FFS, A non parent should have an opinion?? Get over yourself, Reality makes valid points in his post. Who put you in charge of who posts? If it bothers you that much report his posts.

My eldest went through this at 14 before the trans became a thing. "I want to be a boy," I said "You've got two XX chomosomes, you can add bits chop bits off and you will still biologically be a woman."
She didn't like it one little bit and wouldn't speak to me for ages. She's now married to her dh with a child and still very much a woman. She told me she hated having breasts and periods, that's why she wanted to be a boy. I get that, but thankfully she came out the otherside.

Agree. The poster gave a supportive, helpful opinion. WTF does it matter what sex they are? Why do we have to exclude? It really pisses me off.

Sounds v tough, OP. Do you think its her way of rebelling against you, given your background?

In our day the rebels were punks or goths .

One of my DDs refers to her friends as 'they'. Does my head in but teens are hardwired to take more notice of peers than parents or teachers.

'Yes my nieces and nephews (all teenagers under 16) live in my home town and just roll their eyes if the subject of trans comes up. They couldn't give a shit'

That's so good to hear

OP, yes it is boring navel gazing but that's what teenagers do! I think it's unfair and unrealistic to compare her life with the lives of youngsters in Gaza and for her to suddenly become grateful for what she has. I do understand your frustration but as another poster said, I think giving this issue as little oxygen as possible is the way forward

But that’s not an opinion. That is just a fact. And by inflicting your opinion you are protecting her. And that’s a parents job. To protect their kids.