My 13 year old says she is trans. How do I deal with this?

In this podcast Peter Boghossian and the woman roleplay scenarios about how to tackle conversations with a trans child.
Peter Boghossian is very good at skilled negotiating and getting conversations between opposing viewpoints started and has done a lot of podcasts on this from campuses around the USA, the final part of the podcast you may find useful, he tries to get a dialogue going and try to counter the toxic pro-trans propaganda that your daughter will be exposed to.

%3AAWiderLens

Ultimately though, it’s about supporting them in their choices though, whether you agree with them or not.

So why do we not support the "choices" of teenagers with anorexia, or teens who smoke, or do drugs, or any of the other things that we disagree with and think harmful?

I came here to recommend this. Excellent podcast

Bayswater Support is a very good source of advice materials, they also run support groups. They have Top Tips, advice for parents of girls with ASCs, and I found their "Parenting a Young Adult with Gender Dysphoria" article espeically useful.

Resources – Bayswater Support

My main thought is don't let the gender issues suck up all the air in the room, try not to discuss it too much and stay connected with your DD over everything else about her and her life that isn't gender.

Also in todays papers an ex Tavistock dr has written a book blowing the whistle on what was happening and the dangers .

Exactly. .The advice was good solid advice.

Well done Biasquia. Great post .

All young people should be celebrated and loved as individuals.

So tell your child a lie ? That they can change sex ? Have irreversible surgery and drugs ? Really ? It’s not an opinion to believe in biological sex.

OP I would look at the site of Canadian Billboard Chris . He has lots of factual research and lots of interesting interviews.

And another one for Chloe Cole interviews .

My niece felt she was nonbinary then she wanted to be a boy. It started when she was 14 and she was a very girly girl before. My brother (her dad) and my niece mum had a conversation with her where they listened to her but they also made it very clear they would not allow any physical changes like chest surgery etc.and they asked her to wait till she was older. Meantime they let her express herself as she pleased. She cut her hair short, wore boyish clothes and was called by gender neutral nick name. She even had a girlfriend at the time. Now she is nearly 18 and all this has passed. She feels comfortable with her body and has a boyfriend :) I'm not trying to say it is always a phase but it might be and the best is to accept it at the moment and let you daughter "be a boy" for a while :)

Some great constructive posts. It's certainly important to check what's happening in school - is it a school with activist adults unthinkingly affirming and driving a wedge between children and parents? If so, then you need to give some clear "advice" to the school about the limits of their authority in terms of pushing transitioning at your daughter.

There are so many parents struggling with this level of social contagion and one thing we have learnt is that encouraging teens to become involved with social activities is critical. Playing an active role in family life, hobbies, sports, choirs - anything that focuses on their role in communities / society rather than self absorption is psychologically helpful. As other posters have pointed out, it's about protecting our children.

One thing that may help if your school has a sixth form - by our large sixth form most have grown out of this phase and it’s seen as something the younger ones did. It’s something a lot of sixth formers joked about in private out of embarrassment. The small group that persisted were very vocal and the rest tolerated them but got fed up with their ‘oppression’ and the group became more isolated yet powerful in their visibility and demands of the school. It was sad to see all round.

What was good was that, by sixth form the L and G of the group had left it too and had come out and been respected for it. I was really pleased on that progress which I think would have been really much harder in my generation.

If she can see the trend it might help. Or at least help you knowing it’s a phase. The big thing to emphasise is to make it known she can change her mind about things at any time without embarrassment or ‘I told you so’. It’s a tricky balance. It’s difficult getting yourself out of a group.

I am hoping in a few years time the whole movement will be seen as deeply unfashionable to school children as it’s something the previous generation did. The pushback will be led by them. I just hope there’s not a backlash on those who have persisted.

This is a great post! Great parenting from Biasquia!

My DD said very similar to me at age 14. She has ASD and had been out of school due to anxiety for a couple of years at that time.

With DD I knew it was because she hated the sensation of periods and was struggling with the changes to her body. Avoiding things she found hard was a real pattern with her, so it made sense (especially given how the idea is absolutely everywhere) that she would latch on to it as the explanation for and solution to her discomfort.

I told her she could dress how she liked, do whatever hobbies she wanted, have whatever hair style she chose but she would absolutely always be female and she could not change that.

I did empathise with her feelings and although I declined her request for a binder - I told her they aren't good for you and as she has asthma I wasn't prepared to restrict her breathing - I bought her several sports bras that were vest style which she wore.

18 months on she is doing much better. She is in school, has friends and seems to have not just accepted but embraced being female (although she still hates her period and I don't see that changing as it is a sensory issue linked to her ASD).

@ProfessorInkling you have my sympathy because I know it is a scary place to be. You have to do what you believe is in your daughter's best interests in the long term. I echo all those advising you to love and support her but this doesn't mean agreeing to her every demand.

Some good advice on this thread OP. I would second listening to Gender a Wider Lens podcasts, they are very compassionate and give excellent advice. If you haven't listened to them, go back to the early ones then pick out the ones that seem most relevant.

One of them I remember was about what to do in your situation and it was about the way parents and kids see the world. Parents panic when their daughter says she's trans because you're jumping ahead to the oh my god she's going to cut off her breasts and end up sterile!! Whereas the kid is actually just trying something out and really hasn't thought it through, because she's a kid and they don't have much perspective on the world. By over reacting you can actually push them to defend a more extreme position than they were in. So it's important to keep calm, although I totally understand your anxiety!

It's significant that she used to agree with you and now she's reversed. This is totally normal teenage behaviour, she is trying to provoke a reaction, and to show that she is independent to you. Reasoning and rational argument is not going to help you here. You have to keep your cool and ride it out while avoiding letting her do anything irreversible. I also think holding the line about your views about it not being possible to change sex is really important, teenagers need us to to define boundaries so that they can safely rebel against them.

K4tm, the Equality Act doesn't apply in the home.

OP, I don't have experience of this with my own DC yet, thank God, but this account has stuck in my mind and echoes much of the wise advice you've already had:

https://lilymaynard.com/my-first-article-a-mums-voyage-through-transtopia/

My DD2 definitely flirted with the idea of trans when in year 6. We discussed the issue quite a bit starting before she brought it up.
She is definitely not particularly girly and had short hair (her choice) at the time so I had an inkling she may be vulnerable to the ideology. I was a very much a tomboy when I young too and she is very much like me.
However, now she's 14 and whilst she's accepting of others, she does roll her eyes at most of the trans stuff.

Mostly, I've just been gently challenging certain beliefs. The issue in sports is an easy one as the evidence is quite overwhelming. Puberty blockers and use of binders is another easy one to contend.

My degree is biology and I've done my research in this area so I think both my girls have had to accept that I may know more than some random person online.

However, I am careful to stress that I believe for some people, the right move to alleviate their gender dysphoria is to transition.
So, after that waffle, what I'm saying is to talk and gently challenge their thinking. If you go in too hard, it just puts their back up. Once you break one or two beliefs the
Ideology doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

My dd2 is now more on my wavelength, but dd1 is definitely still more on the side of the activists but even she concedes some points to me. Dd1 definitely identifies as female so no worries about her deciding to transition, but she has plenty of friends who have.

Good luck and try to keep the conversations going.

**
But that’s not an opinion. That is just a fact. And by inflicting your opinion you are protecting her. And that’s a parents job. To protect their kids.

Also a parent’s job to teach their kids to think for themselves, trust their instincts and have faith in themselves. Ultimately though, it’s about supporting them in their choices though, whether you agree with them or not.

13 is far too young to make any lifelong decisions but if she still feels the same way at 18 that’s entirely her decision. Given the choice of cutting them off and dismissing their feelings I’d keep my opinions to myself. A good, loving and supportive relationship is way more important than ideologies.

So many families were torn apart when being gay was viewed as equally taboo. Would be terrible not to learn anything from that.

@Biasquia fantastic response. Hasn’t happened to me so I don’t know how I would respond if it were my own child but I do know 4 children of friends who have transitioned.

Where the children were older teens/young adults the parents have chosen to embrace their new daughters and son’s identity and that has worked out very well for them. It’s difficult to see they had any other option than lose their children forever.

In the case of a child who ‘came out’ at 13 the parents have also kept an open mind and he is now living as a 15 year old boy. Except he’s not really as he has breasts and periods and isn’t receiving any hormone medication because he’s too young or puberty blockers because it’s too late for that. All it is is that he’s taken a boys name and personal pronouns and will not be eligible for surgery until 18 anyway, and actually even then some chose not to. Again, I really don’t see the parents had a choice, other than to alienate him still further and instead they have diverted their energies to helping him with other more usual teenage issues which I won’t go into here. My own children have grown up alongside this and happily accept the change in their friends and at the same time they are secure in their own gender identities from birth.

There is absolutely no doubt social media has played a role in all of this because SM connects people. But SM is now part of our collective reality like it or not. It’s nigh on impossible to escape other than by binning your wireless router and mobile phone and that would only cause you child to resent you. And anyway, would you really want to?

I would urge you to acknowledge the way your daughter is feeling and allow her to express herself as she sees fit. It may be a phase, it may not.

It’s also illegal to descriminate. From Wikipedia, ’Anti-discrimination measures protecting transgender people have existed in the UK since 1999, and were strengthened in the 2000s to include anti-harassment wording. Later in 2010, gender reassignment was included as a protected characteristic in the Equality Act.’

so, there you go.

My autistic DD had a few thoughts around this. I said to her that I thought she had watched some videos on YouTube that had made her think her really normal feelings about her body meant something that they didn't and this made sense to her. Another time I also explained that medical transition is irreversible because I think a lot of children think you can just go back any time. I changed her YouTube settings to child filters (she had been using an adult account) and she desisted quite quickly which I feel very lucky and thankful for.

I may be wrong but i think social media plays a big part in brain washing.
Growing up with online and outside people telling our children they can be what they want be yes to a limit.
But wanting to be cats - dogs- none genders all that crap is to far.
I understand that some have been born in to the wrong body and become who they really are but they dont make a big deal out of it and they wait to make sure its really what they want.

At least your not one of them parents that is forcing it on her.
You are doing your best.

Very similar story. At the beginning, we were lost and we let her change her name, pronouns at home. Luckily not at school (her school is quite sensible from this point of view). We bought her a binder. We gradually reverted some steps once we got better information ( mainly Genspect) so we're back with female pronouns. We explained we want to keep the space open for her until she's an adult. She stopped using the binder and her position has gradually softened. We're not out of the woods yet but we're optimistic. I agree on doubling down on the relationship. We avoid talking about the trans wider topic, and we talk only when she raises the issue. Me and my DH looked for psychological support because our anxiety was getting in the way. We suspect very mild ASD. Additionally/linked to that, she has lots of anxiety related to school and had friendships issue. Our unconditional support for these problems has helped her perceive our love.

I wouldn't indulge her at all with this nonsense.

I'd be interested to see what school is feeding her and believe many schools have a lot to answer for with this. Also social media, the internet is a cesspit.

If she were my daughter, it'd be a case of telling her she's a girl and she needs to deal with it.

Too much compassion is a vice.

We have been here. Very hard times. Here is what we did:
Tried to limit social media as there is an online network promoting this ideology to the vulnerable.
Listened but also explained that puberty was hard for everyone.
Asked her to wait and see how she felt when older.
Spoke a lot to school to prevent the social transitioning they were promoting.
The absolute best advice was from a psychiatrist who I met who works with gender dysphoria in teens and was involved in the cass review:
Double down on your relationship. Love her. Keep her busy and active.
My dd has come out the other side and is a girly teen who hasn't looked back. It was a dark time though.

I am no expert op but have raised teen daughters. I don’t wish to sound harsh because we all lose our tempers and become exasperated, but you are not going to connect with her by throwing magazines at her and showing her your self harm scars. That is going to make her run towards her “understanding” friends and distance herself from you. You need to be her safe place! A calm voice of reason and understanding in among the mental turmoil.

You are massively anxious about this. I get it. I really do! Your mind is racing ahead to mastectomies and hormone treatment and you are panicking. But you have time. You need to step back and take a breath and almost set the trans issue to one side, and treat her as you would any insecure teen.

She needs your reassurance that she is normal and that she is loved by you fully no matter what.

Contrary to what you said, feeling uncomfortable, about your growing breasts IS a really really big issue for your dd. Honestly, you can’t expect a teen to
me more interested in the problems in Gaza than in her developing body! That’s your mature perspective speaking! Meanwhile she is just plain scared!

You obviously went through hard times when young and I remember feeling horrified by my growing body to the extent that I stopped eating for a while. It’s a really hard transition from child to adult and you really need to be sympathetic to her anxieties and worry.

The best thing you can do is just keep talking to her as you are, emphasise that you love who she is, that you are there for her whatever, that you disagree that you can improve on nature, that she is normal, that many teens feel uncomfortable with their new bodies, that you understand her disquiet, that she needs to give this time to find out who she is because at 13 she may yet change her mind several times, that there’s no rush etc etc, no need to put pressure on herself etc etc.

Also that we all have a tendency to think “ everything will be fine once we “have that nose job/lose 10 kgs/have top surgery” when we need to work on acceptance of ourselves and all our “imperfections” as we see them, in the here and now!

And then just act as a bloody good role model. Calm, cheerful, purposeful. Model self care. Take up hobbies that bring you joy and encourage her to do the same to get her out of her own head. And take her away if you can on adventure holidays/mini breaks found something totally out of her comfort zone where she can’t focus on herself so much.

You sound like a great mum and I hope things work out for you both x

Don't be so ridiculous 🙄. I thought his advice was good. But iyo, because he's a man, he shouldn't have any opinion about it?

I suppose you also think there shouldn't be any male obstetricians or male experts on the menopause? Because there are plenty of both believe it or not.