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Original poster

Autistic teen and pronouns

56 replies

Badgaston · 17/08/2023 22:53

My dd is 14 and autistic (she’s also got adhd). Very gender critical household, older dd is also GC. I’m very GC and have always encouraged playing with all types of toys when the kids were growing up, they’d be dressed in all sorts of clothes, encouraged to try anything they’d like to. DD 14 has come out and said she’d like to use they/them pronouns. She hates having breasts and periods. We’ve had lots of discussions around how she’s female and that will never change that and yes periods are annoying but she’s adamant that she feels happier being they/them. She’s also talked about breast surgery when she’s older (she’s roughly a C cup now).

I’m unsure whether to do anything. I won’t be using they/them when she’s not around anyway. Part of it I feel is she’s expressed how she finds being autistic very hard so I feel it’s a bit of a way of coping with that.

OP posts:
FroodwithaKaren · 18/08/2023 17:26

May sound like a slightly mad suggestion, but it may be worth looking into local colour season consultants like House of Colour, who do both colour analysis and style advice, and trying booking a session just for the two of you together. With a good consultant it's all about noticing and recognising the best features you have and about appreciating your own body as it is now. I found it an incredibly therapeutic experience when I was younger and going through a major phase of loathing my body. If the two of you go together it can just be a half day of fun to enjoy, but you can quietly steer the consultant to use their skills particularly for your teen's body confidence and recognition of what is unique and great about their features. HoC work with both sexes, it's not a sexed activity, so no pressure towards femininity or anything else.

funkystars123 · 18/08/2023 17:20

My DD is 15 now and is also autistic. When she was around 10/11 she talked about wanting to be a boy.

Luckily is was before the current intense media prasuee around trans and pronouns etc....

I think it's a challenge for autistic girls for all the reasons in the previous post. The pill has really helped here to, she knows exactly when her period will start so feels more on control.

She is very happy being a young women now but hates dresses, make up, most jewellery etc... it took time to realise that she could be a woman and be herself but once she did she had no thought of being male.

It's tough being a teen but being autistic to makes it even harder...

Keep talking....

Original poster
Badgaston · 18/08/2023 17:11

@BonfireLady, that’s really helpful thank you. I just had a real brain dead moment of not actually putting that into Google.

Thats really helpful what you’ve written about your dd. I had a chat with my DD and she said it was exactly how she felt so I suspect being autistic and the feeling of being different (her eldest NT sister is only a year older) alongside her changing body is a huge part of the reason.

OP posts:
BonfireLady · 18/08/2023 08:12

There are quite a few threads on this board that cover the subject. Googling something like "Mumsnet autism gender" would probably bring up several.

From my own experience of working through it with my daughter, my thoughts on how autism and the questioning of gender identity overlap are as follows:

A resistance to change - your own body changing is the ultimate betrayal. How dare my body do this? It must need fixing.

Sensory - boobs feel weird in clothing. They get in the way. I don't need them.

Sensory - Periods are awful. What's the point in having them. I don't want children anyway.

Androgyny - Many autistic girls don't see any point in the impracticality of skirts, dresses, sequins, hair accessories etc. I like wearing "boys' clothes"

Anxiety/low self-esteem/being bullied for being a "weirdo".... and...

Social media combined with Be Kind - there is community out there that is calling me in. They don't bully me. They understand me and I can find my people here.

Exiting girlhood - girls are weak. If I was stronger I could stop those bullies.

Obsession/fixation/locked in thinking - There is an answer! I must be a boy! It is the only logical explanation. I'm not going to change my mind. I'm determined.

The bias in the medical and mental health professions - let's start by affirming your identity and take it one step at a time. Change your name, change your pronouns... Not feeling better yet? OK, let's bind your breasts. Still not feeling any better and your breasts are now getting bigger... OK, let's put you on puberty blockers to give you some time to think and pause your physical development before you feel any worse... Still no better? Have some hormones. Still no better and you've got back pain from all the binding...? Well, "top surgery" is your answer. Check out all these happy cool people who are posting photos of themselves with their surgery scars. Do you want to feel like that too? Instead of: let's explore why you're feeling at odds with your body.. and how that might link to your wider mental health issues and experiences.

We've found that sports bras and the mini-pill have been very helpful in reducing the stress associated with our daughter's changing body. They are not silver bullets and we're still working through some difficulties but they certainly help to slow the pace of the change resulting from puberty, to give her more chance to get accustomed to it all.

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