My friend coming out

I have a former friend, now probably more of an acquaintance thanks to behaviour like this, who made an announcement on social media about how hard it is to be a 'femme presenting queer person' because everyone assumes she's straight and she has to keep coming out all the time. Everyone assumes she's straight because she's had a series of long term heterosexual relationships the most recent of which is ongoing, her bisexuality is limited to continual posts about how hot various celebrity women are and how she's so gay for them. It just comes off as desperately trying to be different, it's tedious. Even if she is actually bi (and in my acquaintances case I don't think so) no one cares, it's irrelevant.

I had a friend, who'd always been with men, come out as fancying women and I didn't give a single shit. I think she was expecting a big reaction, so when I just said something like "oh, great. It's your round, I'll have another g&t, please" she was rather crestfallen. It's nice to be open with friends, but really, it's not a remotely big deal to everyone else these days, even if it feels massive to the individual.

If that is the most interesting thing about her then she should work on that, no offence but does anyone really care?

The last woman I know who did this suddenly decided to use they pronouns and change her name to something gender neutral.

It's all very tiresome, like toddlers who aren't getting enough attention. I want to pat them on their little heads and say 'that's nice dear'. It's what they deserve

Convince your friends (even the straight ones) that when she comes out you should tell her that you are all bi.

Then give it 6 months while she thinks of some new, special, unique thing she is.

She’s craving attention. Tell her to get an eye patch. They’re cheap, everyone will look at her, some will ask questions. It’s like an instant slap-on personality

I think the whole concept of coming out is really dated - nobody really cares these days do they?

I found out in passing that a mate I’ve known for years & who is married to a man is bi because she just mentioned an ex who was a woman, in the same way she might’ve mentioned a male ex - its not something that needed a big announcement or that changes our friendship.

She's actually coming out as wanting attention.

It's often known as queer but it's more ordinary name is attention seeking.

If you just remind yourself she's having an attention seeking episode rather than coming out it will all make sense.

This is the kind of detail I'd be afraid of having to listen to if I was one of the friends in the op.

I don't think I could endure a friend telling me all about the great (queer or otherwise) sex she is having with her dh. Ew

If one of my friends wanted to come out as queer, I don't think I'd give a shit. Apart from the fact that when I was a teenager, being called queer was usually immediately followed by a punch in the mouth... I do not like the word at all.

Yes, quite. He probably wears her underwear or something. Yawn.

I'm dealing with someone coming out as asexual. It's all they can talk about. It's crazy to me that this is this whole person's identity and they want to tell EVERYONE.

I’m still struggling to work out how this is a queer relationship.

Has she told you what reaction she is ideally hoping for? I mean does she want them to be interested and ask questions...? And if so, what about?

I think it could make sense if she were to reveal it in the form of a funny anecdote about a woman she dated in the past or something.

But if she wanted to tell you more about how her hetero relationship with her husband is "queer" - I'd be afraid she'd be divulging some sexual details I really wouldn't want to know (nothing to do with LGB, most people just keep specific sexual details private don't they)

Ooh I know why she wants to tell people!!

I listened to Will Storr on a few podcasts & found him very interesting speaking about his book/how humans are motivated by status. (Because we need high status/to be valued for something so we get a place at the fire/in the safest part of the cave etc ) So the things people rush to tell you about themselves are things that have a perceived high social status.
being "queer" gives her a higher status in the group so she wants you all to know

(I'm articulating it poorly but it explains why the joke about "how you know someone is vegan?" Always seems to hold true. In my circles I think it applies to electric vehicles too 😆
this is his book https://www.wob.com/en-gb/books/will-storr/status-game/9780008354633?cq_src=google_ads&cq_cmp=18082217234&cq_con=&cq_med=pla&cq_plac=&cq_net=x&gclid=CjwKCAjwt52mBhB5EiwA05YKo3SCTfZiDoJqZdlB4DB3LRwSugDlbCHNjOP98BfxQr1ilAhyA7mzXBoC4HoQAvD_BwE#GOR012039744 )

Anyway I would probably gently explain that no one will care/change how they think of her (which will probably sadden her!) & hope she doesn't bore you all silly about her totally straight queer relationship.

I'm not quite sure what she wants from you, but if she just wants you to be there when she talks about this in the group, that doesn't sound too much does it?

I'd see this much as you do but hey, she's your friend and this is important to her. If I'm honest I'd suggest a night when you're getting together as a group and going out afterwards so that there's a way to shift the conversation if it's really boring not going a way that's comfortable for her.

But I feel like sitting my friends down and letting them know I fancy women too would be a bit like saying "hey guys, you know how my husband is bald? Well, I also fancy blokes with long hair. In fact I have dated men with long hair before and would potentially do so again if my husband and I broke up." and expecting them to take this new piece of information about me very seriously.

Thank you for articulating this so clearly! There was a woman on a another thread who said she was bisexual but married to a man and felt that the world is so biphobic, she can't talk about it.

Honestly, who gives a shit?

As a lesbian I would find this totally cringe. 🤢 Grabbing for woke points from the safety of the perfectly ordinary straight marriage she has no intention of leaving.

But the only person who cares about their "identity" is the individual themselves. Nobody else does. If I sat my friends down tomorrow and announced to them "I want you all to know that I'm actually a quarter Welsh, I consider it a important part of identity and want you to support that" nobody would give a shit. Because it is irrelevant to them. This is the same. What support could people offer, beyond saying "That's nice dear. Who's round is it?"?

And frankly, people's sexuality is largely irrelevant to everyone else. It only becomes relevant when someone is looking at you as a potential sexual partner. So if a woman is in a relationship with a man, nobody could give a shit whether she has also had relationships with women. It's irrelevant to everyone else.

She wants to be open with her friends. What's wrong with that except it's really not a big deal to anyone else

She’s explained why she wants your support- it’s an important part of her identity. She wants her friends and family to understand her- that’s not so hard to empathise with.

The responses here are depressing. Classic stereotypes about bisexuality being irrelevant if you’re in a relationship with the opposite sex, characterisation of bisexual women as attention seekers and- bisexual bingo- after a threesome! FFS.

Tell her it’s great but it doesn’t make her ‘queer’ - it’s perfectly normal and in fact you are bisexual too. No big deal.

But she’ll hate that, won’t she!

Ugh, I'm a lesbian with a similar friend. To be fair she "came out" as bisexual as a teen when it was used as a good way to get male attention (2000s)

She then forgot for two decades and now, happily married to a man, is suddenly head to toe in rainbows and has asked me about joining gay family groups. I had the awkward job of dissuading her from joining, the whole point of the groups is for same-sex parents.

Nobody cares that she may fancy the odd woman, she could mention crushes casually and literally nobody would care. As PP have said your friend may be woefully underwhelmed by the reaction.