My friend coming out

Me! I’ve been saying for years that we need a “Missonary position twice a month and proud of it Pride” I don’t wanna hear about everyone else’s sex lives, being gay hasn’t been shocking in England since the 1990s 🥱 if people really must talk about sex lives then let’s not forget mine.

Anyway. OP, your friend is attention seeming because she feels boring and inadequate. This ‘coming out’ 😂 has nothing to do with her sexual preferences and everything to do with trying to add a bit of drama/conflict to her life. Whatever reaction she gets from her friends she will claim she doesn’t feel accepted and try to wring some drama out of it all.

I would politely say I don't think other people are really that interested in your sex life just as we are not that interested in theirs. It's really not a thing that needs to be announced.

Not sure your group's age range, but you might want to warn your friend that to many people over a certain age, the "q" word is a slur. My boomer MIL is lesbian and was taunted with that phrase and we've banned use of it in our family. Despite our DD considering herself bisexual and currently dating a woman, and despite my having had a yearlong relationship with a woman in college (am married now for decades to DH), none of us ever call ourselves the "q" word as it would feel insulting to MIL and all gay people we know of our age group AND it's something I'd never ever call myself and my DH would be perplexed to find out he was in a q relationship after all these years...

I expect your friend has had even less bi sex than I have and this is some kind of weird attention thing. Give attention then and say to her, "OMG. So, you are having an affair, then, aren't you?"

When telling friends I had just got my autism diagnosis (a similarly personal Big Deal which didn't really affect anyone but me), I told some people one to one initially and then assumed word would spread. People generally either said "Righto, I am glad for you" or "Durr, that was obvious" 🤣 but didn't say much other than that, nor did I particularly need them too. Since then I've mentioned it in passing from time to time but otherwise not talked about it too much.

I'd say to her that a 1:1 approach would probably work, but also that people sometimes don't really know what to say and so she might want to brace herself for awkward/nonplussed responses. She might also want to ask herself if there's anything she wants/needs from others after sharing this info.

I would be the same. I'd be very nonplussed. I would have no idea what I was supposed to do with that information.

This would be much more plausible if it weren't for the business with the sneakers and earrings and queer relationship with her husband.

I find it suspicious she wants to do this while also married to a man. It strikes me she wants to be a spicy straight and get those cool Queer points all the while exciting men with their favorite fantasy of 2 women together .

In my daily life I don't go about announcing I'm a lesbian. It's only a small part of my life. I have a personality I don't need an identity.

I just want to say that it could be worse:
nowadays so many people think we need to know their kinks and fetishs.
I unfortunately have to listen to people’s sex lives now.
Apperently I’m a prude and boring because I don’t care 😀

I’m thinking of a ”Proud Prude Pride”, anyone who want to join me?

What a weird thread.

I'm a lesbian, married to a lesbian.

Why is it odd OP's friend wants to tell friends she is bisexual? Maybe she would like to be able to talk freely about her life experiences and perspective. She might want to gossip about past relationships in a chatty way ("saw my ex the other day, what was I thinking?" etc.) and she would like some reassurance that it's safe to do so.

Yes, it's all a lot easier than it used to be. I am very well aware of that. I came out at 13 and got kicked out of school for being a lesbian - no Equality Act back then. I also ended up homeless while I was still at school. My wife's parents barely spoke to her for a decade. But this thread is going a bit far. So because society isn't homophobic the way it used to be, no-one is allowed to worry about homophobia any more? We don't know what experiences of biphobia or homophobia OP's friend may have had in the past. And even if she is oversensitive and worrying about nothing, haven't we all fretted about nothing occasionally and wanted some support from a friend? Coming out was awful and risky for a very long time. Not everyone has adjusted to the new reality yet.

OP should just say, "I don't think any of our friends will have a problem with it, and if you want to drop into conversation that you had a girlfriend before you were with your current partner, or that you think Dua Lipa is hot, just go for it and I don't think anyone will give a stuff."

If OP's friend proves herself to be a drama queen and demands a special group meeting to come out and for everyone to process this huge news, then that's a different story. In that case OP can gently suggest that maybe that friendship group isn't the right place for a long deep and meaningful. But until there's more evidence, OP's friend should get the benefit of the doubt.

I've seen this kind of thing among the young people in my kid's friend group. They all want to declare their sexuality - in fact they wear pins that say things like queer or bisexual (not straight, but I did see one that said "too cute to be straight".)

It's more of an identity thing than anything, and frankly I think it's quite sad that their sexual interests (or what they think those are now at age 17) defines them to such a degree. There is absolutely an element of status seeking as well, though I think they are to some extent unaware of this.

It's actually quite an immature approach and one that is not adaptive for good mental health in the end. At 17 immature is understandable, but the people who as adults are so performative - including a colleague of mine who seems to entirely self-define through trendy labels and disorders - just seem a bit pathetic, tbh.

I think I would say to her ‘I’m not sure what advice you need. They know that I’m bisexual as they’ve know me have relationships with men and women. And then leave it at that. Or perhaps could add that they maybe confused as to why you are sharing that info with them and they make think you’re looking on the look for another partner.

It all sounds very look at me of your friend.

I could wonder why they were telling me this and what reaction they wanted to have?

If ANY married friend started to talk about people they were attracted to, including past relationships, then I would worry about their marriage.

I suspect ‘nobody cares’ is not the right reaction

is it homophobic to not care if someone is gay or not?

Dont be surprised if you are told off by some overly keen SJW that this is the same thoughlessness and 'racism' as claiming to be colourblind. As an active ally, you must be obsessed by the precise degree of skin coloration and same sex attraction.

It isn't important to you. It is to her. I'm so glad I have such lovely supportive friends obviously going through a confusing time and wants to share that with people she cares about and trusts

My friends DIL is like this. She’s also been non-binary, changed her name to an animal, and I think at the moment is a female presenting trans-man (so a woman). Hilariously my friend was woke before it was a thing and seeing her roll her eyes is a wonderful thing. Her son is the easiest going human alive and just shrugs.

Sounds like she just wants attention and some sort of 'status' as a queer person. Who cares. I'd just tell her 'I don't think people care...what reaction are you hoping for / what difference will it make to the friendships'

Sounds like she has a massive ego

I'd be baffled if I was one of her friends. Even if I hadn't guessed I just don't care and it's none of my business. Other people's love life is rarely as interesting as they think it is.

Equality will be when people don't give a shit. It's not biphobic to accept something without fanfare.

I came out of a long term relationship with a woman and in general I find women more attractive, but it was a simple numbers game - there are so many openly straight men compared with openly gay/bi women that the chances of meeting a man I liked were massively greater.

TIL going “Christ, who cares” is biphobic abuse!

'It's all very tiresome, like toddlers who aren't getting enough attention.'

Exactly

I think what these people really want is to come out as SPECIAL. VERY VERY SPECIAL. And BRAVE and STUNNING. We all want to be seen and heard and taken seriously, but most people grow out of this level of attention-seeking by their early 20s

Obviously they will, if all the lesbians avoid them. Ffs. How horrible.