Husband has come out as Trans after 24 years

"i realised this isnt a foght im going to win"

nope there are no winners here,

"and that he is actually having an affair with himself. "

That is an understandable feeling, certainly at the very least it is fair to say that he is putting his own feeling ahead of the rest of the family.

"How could i tell anyone. He made me promise not to say anything"
You have nothing to be ashamed of and owe him nothing in this regard, say whatever you need to, to whoever you need to, in order to get the emotional and material support you need to in place.

"How could he not talk to me. I felt sick and cheated"

You are perfectly entitled to your feelings. They are valid and reasonable. I would imagine that he didn't tell you before you married him and had his children as he knew this would make you change your mind. If he is now saying he 'knew' since he was 10 that would naturally make you feel like he tricked you.

"You wouldn't expect it if you saw him. The most manly man i know!"

His imagination is painting a very different picture in his head.

"he maintains he loves me and our kids"

but not enough to prioritise you and your relationships over the fiction in his head.

"and will never leave us."

At this stage that sounds more like a threat than a promise. In terms of keeping to the spirit of the marriage he already has left you, he just seems to think he's still entitled to you as a support human.

" but i pulled myself up and went home."

Nothing to say but <3 & hugs

"he started getting angry at our lovely counsellor when she tried to ask more in depth questions"

I do not think this marriage can be saved without significant harm to you and your mental and physical health. But I understand and applaud your instinct to try.

"wearing his sisters clothes and his dad beat him up"

these are his issues and he might benefit from counselling (without you) but he's been married to you for 24 years if you haven't fixed them yet you're clearly not going to, you need to get yourself and your children into a situation you can control.

"This is so sad."

I do not disagree.

" if he wants that life he has to go and we will divorce but keep amicable for the kids as id never atop gim seeing or having the kids. "

This sounds entirely reasonable to me.

"He wont go. No matter what i say he just wont leave."

It used to be possible to get assistance from the police in such instances I don't know if it still is, you need to call a DV helpline. Refusing to leave is on the 'lower' end of the spectrum but can cross the line into coercive control and from what you describe here that may well be the case.

"doesnt want to upset me any further but asked to dress up in private in the bedroom. "

Well he may well say that he doesn't want to upset you and yet he seems to be pressurising you into engaging in sexual acts you find uncomfortable and upsetting.

"He started nicking some of my lingerie without asking me and has pinched a wig i had for fun dressing up then used one of my sex toys and i got to the point where id had enough as made me feel right sick"

Respect for you, your feelings, your boundaries and your sexuality, seem to be notable by their absence. Consent is not just a mining village in Lancashire. This behaviour is not ok. Coercive control is a crime.

"Hes sh with money and has bought quite a lot of sex toys recently"

His priorities seem clear and consistent just (upsettingly) you are not among them.

"Im worried hes going to get us in a financial pickle again as we are joint tenants on the mortgage and he wont sign it over to me or even entertain it."

The divorce will be awkward and painful but you must separate your finances as soon as possible, seek legal advice as soon as you can.

"but i just close my eyes and wish it was over [removed by MNHQ] Im not a lesbian and i sure as hell wont change my sexual orientation to fit his."

You are not a lesbian and it is not fair or reasonable for a partner to force you to engage in sex that you are not enjoying. The sex you describe sounds like it is causing you sexual trauma, please stop.

"I'm miserable... he is miserable... "

I think you must (both) accept that if he wishes to substantially change his life in this way it will mean a substantial change in your relationship. You will no longer be his wife and sexual partner but a co-parent and if his behaviour deserves it, perhaps a friend. This is part of why people sometimes call TW "brave" . But explain he cannot 'have his cake and eat it' as it were. If it is 'only' a fetish, it is a fetish you don't share, and he can choose to prioritise you or it. Both choices have consequences.

"I dont want to be on my own either. I dont know how i feel about him anymore either as dont feel hes the same person i met in 1997 and i dont feel the same but got too much at stake to lose at the moment."

understandable but I don't think you have any other good options

" he leaves me to do 90% the chores so im only getting 6hrs sleep max a night."

Somehow 'dogsbody' doesn't seem to hold the same appeal as 'sex kitten', this isn't fair and I don't think that it's going to get better.

"To be honest id rather work a 10 hour day than have to be subjected to trans life... i dont want that in my life."

I think it probably will be hard for you to gain your independence and you may well feel you're working harder for a lower quality of life (than you had before) but at least you'll have a life, and a home you can feel safe in, and money that is yours.

"If there are other people out there who are in or have been in same situation please contact me. I could use some decent friends who understand what I'm going through and give me some advice."

check out the trans widows threads, many many women sharing their experiences of watching their oh embark on their 'stunning and brave' journey.

What I have gathered, reading between the lines, is that your husband does not want to engage in any form of counselling but neither does he want to split. I suspect this is because he wants to keep up the 'happy family' appearance for his parents whilst they are still around, and which is partly why he tried to keep his hidden identity from you all this time.

This could work in your favour. You separate, live separate lives, ideally separate bedrooms in the same house BUT you put together exit strategy which minimises the collateral damage to you and your DC. Sort of a 'conscious uncoupling' as Ms Paltrow would say.

In return for keeping up this charade of happy families for his parents you agree on the T&C of a quick (and cheap) 'no fault' divorce, including financial details so any debt racked up by him between now and then is his and his alone. Maybe even agree that some of his inheritance goes towards the house which is a joint asset. This gives you and your husband some time to work out what to tell the DC.

Might be worth thinking about as an option. You have a few out there.

@Technibabe59 The above comment is proof enough that you have found yourself in a lose/lose situation.

Put yourself first OP and leave. If not this will continue to manifest and you will be forced to live a life you don't want to so that he doesn't have to live a life he doesn't want to.

Your needs are just as important.

First and foremost you need to put your and your children's welfare at the heart of all your choices.
Your husband is not the person you thought they were.
I'd say the same whatever bombshell they had just dropped, be it gambling, another woman, etc.
You have hit a crossroad and it doesn't sound like your journey will be together.

The one thing that really shouts out at me from this is that he doesn’t have time to talk to you but he does have time to fuck you. That shows what he thinks of you.

Having said that, my previous post is all about understanding him etc… which might well never happen. He isn’t talkative so you don’t know what’s going on in his head. He might not even know himself tbh.

On YOUR pov, he has lied to you. He is at the very least self centred. Expecting you to have sex with him even though he wants to present as a woman. Expecting you would he happy for him to use your underwear. I mean what the heck has possessed him to think it’s an ok things to do. He can buy his if he wants! etc…. He isn’t engaging with you about what it means. Etc….
So what does he bring to you? In which way is he making your life better (and not worse)?
id concentrate in that rather than the trans stuff. Being trans is one thing. Behaving the way he is is another.

So as MN often says, get your ducks in a row. Have another word with your solicitor. Rewrite your will! And I’d say start behaving as if you were separated but still living in the same house. Physically (as in not doing his washing etc…) and emotionally.
Having counselling for yourself might also be a good idea. Because just now he is walking all over your boundaries and you’ll need to find a way to uphold them.

Haven’t read all the replies but OP I am sending you a huge handhold- he has been selfish beyond belief and I take my hat off to you for still being there. I feel your anger in your post and imo it’s totally justified- this
is a betrayal and he is weak for having gone about this in this way. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to get some control back and leave. If he won’t move out Then you can. You don’t have to broadcast the specifics but you absolutely are not obligated to support or partake in his fantasy life. You are not obligated to keep his secrets for him either. I would pack and go with the kids and claim my life back. You’re well justified to feel so broken & lost - it’s a total betrayal and you will grieve the person who you’ve lost I am sure. Take care of yourself, you’ll come out of this head held high and having overcome it. I am angry for you! Best of luck. Xxxx

He doesn’t make sense.

He doesn’t want to be pushed to transitioning but all his colleagues at work know and he has has been going out in town as a woman when you’re not at home?
it doesn’t make sense at all. It’s like he wants the kink of having sex with you ‘dressed as a woman’ (but I assume still with PIV) but not all the other stuff coming with it - aka a separation, loosing his family, etc….

I'm no expert on the trans side of things but regardless of what he is saying his actions prove that this is either a compulsion he can't control or that he has no consideration or respect for your feelings or boundaries.

What I do know about is divorce.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and kept telling myself I'd wait until I was in a better position financially. My parents are/were older than average and I'm an only child, so I figured that by the time I inherited, DD would be older and I could walk away and start afresh without depending on any finances from the marriage.

In the end XHs behaviour reached a point where I had to walk away for the sake of mine and DDs wellbeing. That was 6 years ago and she was 11 at the time.

My Dad passed away last year after 18 months on end of life care, my mum is still going strong at 83 (thankfully).

You cannot make decisions about what may or may not happen with regard to inheritances.

You are married...you can choose to file for divorce and take steps to obtain your share of the marital assets whenever you choose. You do not need your husband's permission.

Your kids will be fine. My DD started high school 5 weeks after her dad and I split. She got plenty of support and is now nearly 18 and is a bright, resilient and well adjusted young woman with a great future ahead of her.

I would think very seriously about bringing this chapter to a close sooner rather than later...do you really want it coming to a head next spring when your eldest is about to sit GCSEs?

Start divorce proceedings. Even if you have to stay in the house and he won’t leave you don’t need to be in a relationship. Have you got a spare room even if it means the kids have to share. You need your own space with a padlock on the door so he can’t take your stuff. Don’t cook for him, don’t wash his clothes and certainly don’t have sex. You don’t have to sit and chat to him. Id ignore him as much as possible.

Please do try the suggested thread OP.

From what you are saying, you yourself feel there is no way back from this, that you are very unhappy and you want to end the relationship. The challenges are the how, when he is refusing to accept this or to leave as you've asked him to.

There is years and years of advice on the relationships board about how to come out of a marriage with children, and sort out who leaves the home and who stays: please read around all you can. It can often be a very long, drawn out and tough process if you are not in a position to be able to leave if he won't, but you will find many, many women who have been through it and can share knowledge and experience of finances etc.

You are in many ways grieving for the relationship you had, and the end of it, and shock, denial and all the rest of it take a lot of time to process before you can feel ready to do something definite and know what you want that something to be. That's ok. Talking about it and thinking about it and reading about it will all help you to work out the right thing for you.

Seconding anyone else who says the thread isn't closed and that that is the place to discuss this with people who are familiar with your circumstances.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues?page=23

Sorry somehow missed your update - good for you, get your money together, don't believe what he's telling you, and be off.

Right, so he's a woman when it comes to fashion but not when it comes to gender roles?

OP I think you should divorce. Assets will surely be split. I understand that you want to keep the house and feel that since he's been deceitful he should be the one to leave with nothing, but it won't happen that way. Stuff will be split no matter who actually commences the divorce.

I just havent got the stamina to walk away from my marriage atm and part of me doesnt want to give up either - neither of you want to change, so you really do have irreconcilable differences. You will have to get a divorce, or live with him as he wants to be. You might not want to, but plenty of people don't want a relationship to break down, but that's life - people split up all the time, and it can be very sad and depressing but I think you need to extricate yourself for your sake and that of your dcs.

He will carry on and end up transitioning whilst destroying your MH in the process - it is the script sadly.

He is obsessed.

I would file for divorce and get the best financial outcome for you and the DC.

He is thriving on the secrecy etc.

It's an awful situation for you and the DC

The fact that he knows damn well who is a woman when it comes to all the housework would enrage me. If he wants to identify as female, then he can do the f*cking grunt work was well. It's not all about getting his rocks off.

OP, I don't know how you can stand this.

If you can't find a current trans widows thread, tag Tinselangel. She's awesome. There's probably nothing you can describe about your situation that she won't have heard before.
I'm so sorry OP. This is absolutely crap for you.

To me there are two issues 1) he is not the person you believed him to be. He has let you believe one version but there's a whole different side to him he kept hidden. So I suspect you feel deceived. 2) he did not tell you. Others knew before you like his new colleagues, probably because there are far less impacting consequences. So you feel completely disrespected & humiliated. But his cowardice is a sign that he is trying to avoid the fall out, which I suspect is why he does not want to talk about it.

There will be a fall out, and consequences, but right now is probably not the best time to make big decisions. Maybe get some counselling, take a break by yourself or with a close friend to get your head around what you want & how to move forward and take it from there.

You haven't really said anything that points to him being trans, more of a transvestite.

However, even taking that (huge issue) out of the equation he sounds horrendous and I hope you can arrange to end the marriage asap. Your children living in this toxic environment is no doubt worse for them than having separated parents.

I dont need negative comments. If thats anyones intention or to make a mockery/take the pee out of my living hell then jog on and please dont comment as im hurt enough as it is.

If there's one take-away for you from this thread it's to read about others' experiences in having a partner who behaves in ways similar to yours. You really need to learn "the script" (and variations of it) so you can plan things in how to limit the damage to you and your children.

Don't go into this without being forewarned.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/3101834-trans-widows-escape-committee

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/3471122-trans-widows-escape-committee-2-the-trans-widows-strike-back

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/3668898-trans-widows-escape-committee-3-rise-of-the-trans-widows

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/3898348-Trans-Widows-Escape-Committee-4-A-New-Hope

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues

I really feel for you as pp said look at the trans widows thread.

The solicitor was right, get some money behind you and sort out all the paperwork so you know what savings, pensions etc. Also do regular credit checks in both your names so you can catch any loans or debts asap. Finally, if you haven’t done so, sign up to Land Registry alerts and also have your personal email (set one up if you don’t have one) added to the register. This way you will be alerted if he tries to borrow against the house.

I think you are correct that he is waiting until his parents are no longer here then he will embrace the life he wants. That maybe the time to divorce.

Have you asked the solicitor about legally separating but continuing to live in the same house? If possible in separate bedrooms. This would allow you to continue as a family for your DC but financially you can show the point you separated so any debt after this is his alone.

There’s a possibility he might go that route anyway and bankrupt you all in the process.

You might have missed it but here’s the link to the current thread that can help you. Still room for posts on the thread.
post.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues?reply=117778362

Please do go and look at the Transwidows thread, you will see so much there that rings a bell with you. Unfortunately this behaviour seems to esculate so you can't rely on what your DH says, he may believe it now but it seems to become all consuming. He says he doesn't want to lose you but it's not his choice, you get to stay or go, don't ket him guilt trip you. Good luck