Sophie Beresiner - The Times - Baby Born from Surrogate Mother

But that stuff that @OhHolyJesus posted isn't about adverse effects of not being specifically with the birth mother in the weeks after birth, it seems to be about the effects of being lied to about where you came from?

This thread seemed to be discussing how it can affect a baby to get all of their care from someone who is not their birth mother and I was asking if there was specific research on this (presumably you are talking along the lines of attachment issues or something?)

My friend had her baby by donor egg. Her son is 8 now and knows (as much as he can understand) that there was someone else involved in his conception, and has always known. Obviously I don't know if this child will have some sort of crisis when older, but for now, he is a very loved, happy and appears to be well adjusted child, even though he is not blood related to his mum?

@OhHolyJesus Louise Brown is 41 and I don’t believe there was a donor involved in her conception. The IVF industry certainly warrants discussion on this board but I don’t think Louise (or another IVF child) would have any of the same issues as a baby born to a surrogate.

Oh sorry I cross posted there.

Can you link to some research about evidence of not being with the birth mother during the 4th trimester having a long term adverse effect on the baby? I have looked it up and a lot of 4th trimester stuff is actually about maternal health?

Yes - there’s been plenty of research about the 4th trimester and it’s importance to healthy development.

Is there evidence to suggest that babies who were born from surrogacy and were taken from the birth mother right away suffer adverse effects in later life? I know that there is plenty of evidence that children who don't get their basic needs met from the very start, including cuddles etc, can be affected forever, but if it is someone else meeting the childs needs and not the birth mother, does that make a tangible difference?

Genuine question by the way, I'm quite interested in this!

Fair point MrsNoah2020

Also your comment Even if the surrogate is altruistic and 100% happy, the baby's welfare should be paramount this really is the heart of the matter isn’t it.

Not to detract from those of you whose feelings on surrogacy have been changed by motherhood, but I am childless and still feel very strongly that surrogacy is wrong. I don't think you need to have been a mother yourself to see the harm in ripping a newborn from the woman who has carried the pregnancy (regardless of whose egg it was), purely to satisfy the emotional needs of adults. Even if the surrogate is altruistic and 100% happy, the baby's welfare should be paramount.

People often compare adoption and surrogacy, but they aren’t comparable- it’s not often spoken about but it is acknowledged that is so damaging to remove a child from their birth mother that is only ever done in the most extreme circumstances, and that child (and future adoptive parents) will have access to therapists and support when needed.

Surrogacy meanwhile is subverted under ‘the kindest gift of all’ trope, the question is why? Why is it ok to plan to remove a child from its mother if cash changes hands?

Pre childbirth I supported surrogacy, but carrying and birthing and raising my own children has changed my mind, I know it’s verboten to speak of this but carrying and birthing a child is a wholly unique experience and the love you feel for that child is unique and if you haven’t experienced that then you cannot comprehend what you are asking women and their babies to give up.

I am hoping that, as above, they just didn’t know and that they were doing what many soon-to-be parents do which is to totally underestimate the change that will hit their lives when a baby arrives.

I can't imagine being handed a newborn without going through a pregnancy (including living with a pregnant partner and seeing what that entails day to day). Adoptive parents would afaik very rarely be in charge of a brand new baby as their first parenting experience.

DC1 was a really intense baby (probably due to traumatic birth), and if I hadn't had the pregnancy bonding and hormones on my side I can't imagine how hard it would have been.

I do however cut Sophie some slack for her worrying about her looks. We all worry about stupid things before parenthood. I got my nails done and then found I had to have the varnish removed in hospital. We’ve all got friends who were dolled up to the nines for the first pic post-baby - Duchess of Cambridge style. I think it’s ok. It’s a long journey and we all have a lot to learn on the way

Agree with that. I had my hair cut and nails done before my DF's funeral. I was devastated at his death, but it was important to me to look smart, as part of honouring him. Can understand Sophie feeling the same about an occasion that is so important to her. La Bella Figura can be a mark of respect.

Uncomfortable for me too. I have two donor conceived children (donor sperm) so this feels close to home. I might well have used a surrogate if I had had to back then. Now I’m not so sure - partly because of my own experience as a mother and partly because of what I’ve read in this board.

I do however cut Sophie some slack for her worrying about her looks. We all worry about stupid things before parenthood. I got my nails done and then found I had to have the varnish removed in hospital. We’ve all got friends who were dolled up to the nines for the first pic post-baby - Duchess of Cambridge style. I think it’s ok. It’s a long journey and we all have a lot to learn on the way.

I have two gay friends who have twins by surrogate. I am a little uneasy because it’s a commercial arrangement although US-based and I know this woman is married with children and relatively well off so not a Ukrainian baby far situation.

My friend - very much an older parent - also had some frankly daft ideas about what he and his partner were going to do career-wise in the months after the babies were born. It made me very uneasy because obviously women don’t have that option - their only choice is to sit at home and recover and give care. And that’s by design because that’s what the baby needs. I don’t necessarily think it must be the mother’s care but it definitely needs intense care from a primary caregiver. And because of the surrogate route, my friends had the physical option to opt out of that.

I hope that they didn’t and that reality hit them with a thud, as it tends to when you have a newborn, and they sat at home and did the nurturing. I am hoping that, as above, they just didn’t know and that they were doing what many soon-to-be parents do which is to totally underestimate the change that will hit their lives when a baby arrives. I don’t actually know how it went because I don’t want to quiz them and they live abroad - a very long way from here - so we only see each other when they come over.

I notice that there are very few comments on Sophie's column, and they are always positive. I suspect many readers share our discomfort, but either feel unable to say so, because of the history of cancer, or are being censored by The Times.

I'm a subscriber but I don't read it because I don't want to feel cross, there are probably others like me.

I've found the entire series very uncomfortable to read but I made myself read it to understand more about the process and to see the other pov about surrogacy. I found it fascinating that there was such a disconnect between how the author thought they were presenting the situation and how they appeared.
Any comments, even the most mild, were met with a very emotional and angry response from commenters who would only countenance completely supportive statements.
I do understand why they were protective of Sophie. I don't understand why that solicitation didn't extend to the surrogates or the baby.

I can understand how someone in Sophie's position doesn't understand what they are really doing. When you haven't been there, you don't know. When DC1 was born, I expected him to be totally helpless and dependent. What I wasn't prepared for was how much he needed me, not his father, not his loving grandparents, just me. I'm not sure anything can bring that home until you've been there. Until that point I expect I saw surrogacy as a lovely act of self sacrifice.

It really hit me when we were watching Bake Off a few years ago and one of the bakers made a cake about taking his surrogate baby home. It was plainly an overwhelmingly happy memory for him but I could only think about that poor uncomprehending baby. It took me a lot of soul searching (worried about being homophobic) to accept that I just can't agree with a situation where a baby is conceived with the intention of being removed from the birth mother.

I was shocked by Rebecca's comments too. How will this baby feel when she grows up and reads that her mother wasn't sad to lose her and happily went home to her wanted children, leaving the one she didn't want with Sophie?

To be clear, I'm not shocked by Rebecca feeling that way (if she really does) - I'm shocked about the lack of regard for how her daughter will feel when she is old enough to read the article.

The poor, abandoned baby. She didn’t get to be held by her mother or to breast feed. I am actually shocked at how the baby and her right to be with the one person she needs more than any other in the world is ignored, air brushed away. Every account I read of new born babies separated from their mothers says the same thing that they scream and scream and nothing can passify them. The purchasing parents always refer to this as colic or some other reason, but the real reason is that the baby is hugely traumatised by being denied their mother.

I thought it very telling in the adulating comments below the article that not a single one of them mentioned the baby’s point of view. All the comments were gushing about Sophie’s journey and Sophie’s prize and Sophie’s present.

A baby is a human being. Human beings shouldn’t be sold.

I also left a negative (but fair) comment once and was pounced on by the cheerleaders. Apparently you can’t criticise the behaviour of a cancer survivor .