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Original poster

MIL only capable of inane babble

55 replies

anotheranotheramother · Yesterday 23:27

In the universe of PIL problems, this one probably isn’t that bad. But now that we’ve moved closer to PIL, it’s becoming more and more apparent, and infuriating.

MIL is a dream if you’re talking to her to her for 5 minutes. She is friendly, polite, and enthusiastic. The problem is that this seems to be her only gear - I’ve never had a conversation of any substance with her (or overheard her having one with anyone else). Everything is “lovely” and “wonderful” and “great” and “wow isn’t this fantastic” and “aren’t you lucky” and “you’re doing such a fab job” - none of which sounds bad on the face of it. But when you’ve been trying to make conversation with her over several hours, trust me, it gets old VERY quickly. Say anything mildly negative and she’ll either ignore or try to put a mind-numbingly optimistic spin on it.

It’s some weird mix of toxic positivity, English politeness, and lobotomy patient.

I’m not expecting in-depth discourse on Nietzsche but it’s not even small talk; it’s just constant inane babble. She also feels the need to fill every silence and just keeps going and going and going.

infuriatingly she also interrupts me constantly and tries to finish my sentences, and she is always - always - completely wrong in predicting what I am about to say. You’d think someone so “polite” would at least be a good listener, but no.

It’s also incredibly frustrating when we need to discuss something even moderately important and she feels the need to interrupt and weigh in, but it’s rarely with anything that actually contributes to the conversation.

DH just thinks his mummy is lovely and trying hard and being friendly, which I guess she is, and I know it’s not coming from a bad place. But I’m starting to get visibly annoyed and snappy with her because of the sheer amount of drivel I’ve been exposed to lately.

Before she stopped drinking due to health issues she’d at least come out with an opinion every now and then once she’d had a drink or two, but it seems like this was the only thing that could magic it out of her. In a way I feel quite bad for her as she’s clearly been made to feel that this is the only acceptable way to communicate.

I feel like I’ve tried everything - asking her questions about herself and her life, talking about her interests, talking about myself and my interests to feel out any mutual ground, bringing up current or local events, but nothing seems to have much mileage in it.

Anyone else!?

OP posts:
Muntoru · Yesterday 23:30

Not to sound mean, but your post itself reads a bit like inane babble.
Why is it such a big deal if you think she’s not a great conversationalist? I don’t really get it…

Mumtotornadoes · Yesterday 23:31

🤷 not everyone can be our favourite people to spend time with. It's not maliciousness or anything. She's just boring to talk to, sounds like poor social skills or lack of interest.

Wetblanket78 · Yesterday 23:32

She sounds like she is undiagnosed neuro diverse. Especially when you say she interrupts.

Goodmorningeveryone26 · Yesterday 23:34

It does sound frustrating OP. I’d find it hard to be around someone for an extended time when I felt like I wasn’t actually connecting with that person at all, which is what it sounds like from your post . I would find the lack of connection initially confusing and then kind of frustrsting. It might feel like Groundhog Day: every time you meet it’s surface level small talk as if you’d just met. Not sure what the answer is. Probably to think kindly about what have prompted her to be like this

GooseCreekandtheRiver · Yesterday 23:35

It could be that she doesn’t like you (sorry) so doesn’t want to connect on a deeper level. Or could be that she fundamentally disagrees with some of your opinions but doesn’t want to argue.

Pallisers · Yesterday 23:39

How on earth would you think the OP's post sounds like inane babble?

I presume she has always been like this, OP, and isn't particularly old. Dh's grandmother - educated, charming, wonderful conversationalist - became a bit like this when much older - she was becoming very deaf so relied on saying pleasant things like 'well that sounds lovely" or whatever.

You'll just have to accept her for who she is and limit the length of time you spend actually talking to her - maybe do things with her instead or maybe your dh can do the conversing. Nothing you can do will turn her into Nora Ephron

cavvum · Yesterday 23:45

Pallisers · Yesterday 23:39

How on earth would you think the OP's post sounds like inane babble?

I presume she has always been like this, OP, and isn't particularly old. Dh's grandmother - educated, charming, wonderful conversationalist - became a bit like this when much older - she was becoming very deaf so relied on saying pleasant things like 'well that sounds lovely" or whatever.

You'll just have to accept her for who she is and limit the length of time you spend actually talking to her - maybe do things with her instead or maybe your dh can do the conversing. Nothing you can do will turn her into Nora Ephron

Is Nora Ephron a great conversationalist or something?

OP you're being mean, and its childish that you've started allowing yourself to show your annoyance to her

tiredtiredd · Yesterday 23:50

You do sound mean and stuck up op

SarahAndQuack · Yesterday 23:51

As problems go, this is so minor, surely?

She's trying to be nice.

Maybe she isn't very intelligent or very confident? It doesn't sound as if any of this is her fault.

If you find it hard discussing important things with her, then ... um, don't?!

Tourmalines · Yesterday 23:55

Well, you just keep up your snappiness with her and hopefully she won’t wanna see you any more, so you will be doing her a favour.

HeddaGarbled · Yesterday 23:55

She’s probably nervous in your company. Give it time. And don’t be snappy.

Original poster
anotheranotheramother · Yesterday 23:56

@Goodmorningeveryone26 yes, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, it’s having to spend the better part of a Saturday with her but not actually feeling like we’re connecting in any meaningful way. I know some people find silences awkward but this feels like much harder work! Especially as DH and I have had some not-so-great things in our lives lately, it’s more than just boredom, it’s actually quite invalidating at times. Again, don’t necessarily need a post mortem or heady discussion on everything that’s going wrong in our lives but I also don’t want to hear how great she thinks the new curtains are for the 10 millionth time.

Agree that the manufacture happiness is very likely not coming from a particularly happy place for her, though.

@Pallisers I did consider this, but yes, she’s always been this way and is not that old; she is also quite sharp in terms of memory and other cognitive functions so I don’t think it’s a symptom of anything of this sort.

Ironically my husband thinks she’s great socially - which she certainly is at parties where you circulate and speak to each person for a few minutes. She’s got that down to an art… interesting someone mentioned ND; my own mother is ND but she can’t do the happy fluffy stuff and errs too far in the other direction of being too direct at times. I may not have considered that it could manifest in this way too?

OP posts:
Cherrycoko · Yesterday 23:57

She sounds infuriating. Ignore the people on here who sat you're being mean. People on here take delight in being doormats and shaming anyone who doesn't want to do that. That said, I don't think there's anything you can do except limit how much time you spend with her.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · Today 00:00

I get it. I would struggle to converse with someone like that. Does she not have many people in her life to practise the art of conversation with? My DH’s auntie is like this. She lives alone and no friends so when she speaks to family she talks over them all the time and goes on and on and on about very dull topics. I try to engage but honestly, it’s really difficult and boring and I don’t feel heard at all.

Original poster
anotheranotheramother · Today 00:00

I might be mean and stuck up, but I will often get stuck with her for a good chunk of time while DH and FIL talk (they are in the same industry and very close so talk endlessly) which I’m sure isn’t her chosen way of spending a Saturday either, but that’s where we are.

OP posts:
Cherrycoko · Today 00:03

anotheranotheramother · Today 00:00

I might be mean and stuck up, but I will often get stuck with her for a good chunk of time while DH and FIL talk (they are in the same industry and very close so talk endlessly) which I’m sure isn’t her chosen way of spending a Saturday either, but that’s where we are.

I would nip that in the bud. Try to not be available every Saturday. If he thinks his mother is so lovely, he can spend time talking to her.

Rustyhandlebars · Today 00:05

She's just different to you, so just turn this way of thinking around and have some fun with her in your own private way. Ask what she thinks of you having some massive tattoos on your neck , both of you having your hair dyed green, it. See how optimistic she is then .😀

Rememberdragons · Today 00:09

Could she be nervous? Especially if she's picking up on your annoyance at her, or she feels she's not meeting your expectations.
It sounds like you might be coming across as trying to hard and the pressure to perform to a certain standard might be adding to her nervousness.
Could you go to a garden centre or a walk or do some gardening together, something other than sitting there trying to force conversation?
Ask her to help you with something physically, she might feel more relaxed doing something and allow the conversation to come more naturally.

Original poster
anotheranotheramother · Today 00:20

@Rememberdragons I like the idea of having an activity to do with her, thank you! My instinct is that it’s not her feeling nervous - we’ve known each other for a while now and this has only really started becoming an issue since we’ve moved closer to them - but I could be wrong, of course.

@Cherrycoko i agree… we live at an awkward distance where it’s too close to NOT see each other reasonably often (especially given how close they are as a family) but also far enough that it can’t be a quick drop in/drop out situation which is how those chunks of time happen. And it always ends up being the weekends because of work. But I do need to get savvier about this.

OP posts:
ThatLoudCat · Today 00:25

I wish my mil was more like that!

Mine is a major over sharer. She goes on about how fat she is, her depression, different medications she's on, and she ends up crying at some point almost every day of a visit.

It's just awkward!

SnowFrogJelly · Today 00:42

Bit harsh.. your post is rather babbly

Naurrr · Today 00:45

She is probably wishing she could get on with her day. Several hours is far too long to impose on people.
Your husband can visit all he wants, no need to join him often.

Cherrycoko · Today 00:46

SnowFrogJelly · Today 00:42

Bit harsh.. your post is rather babbly

Edited

What's 'babbly' about the OP's post? It sounds as if you're saying that just for the sake of having something to say.

Dandeloosha · Today 00:51

I’d get out of the house or do an activity or a project. I do this with my mother who is similar but in a mildly negative way. A walk to the park and a coffee, a big jigsaw that gets rolled out when she’s there, a trip to a local NT property, a beauty treatment at a local spa, a mooch round Waterstones or John Lewis, etc.

OneoftheWeddingPeople · Today 00:56

This is like “the ick”. Once you’ve noticed something like this and it annoys you that’s it.

Mil is the opposite extremely negative. It’s so bad it’s almost funny.

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