MIL only capable of inane babble

Some people just don’t get on. No way I would ever voluntarily spend time with mil if I didn’t have to out of duty to dh.

However there are numerous family members I genuinely really like and would be friends with if we weren’t related.

I completely second the shared activity idea. I have a MIL who, for very different reasons, I struggle to connect with at times, and my stance now is to encourage her to join in with a game my DD can play too, or to find something on telly we can watch together, or to take her out so we can shop together. All a lot better.

We have to meet people where they are if we want or need to be with them. Some people are not in the place for a deeper connection and as you've identified yourself, your MIL has likely learned that this is the way to communicate. We have no way of knowing what she is really thinking and feeling, and whether this communication style is about following strict internalised rules or is a coping mechanism for her or what.

That said, you sometimes learn more about someone by doing something with them than you would from any number of hours of conversation (which incidentally also happens to me my random theory as to why workplace or hobby-based relationships can feel different to online dating-based ones in the early days: you're meeting people and observing them and coming alongside yu rather than with the pressure of a date that is all about talking head-on).

I will add that if you find being with your MIL so difficult, and are often left with her whilst your DH gets lost in conversation with his dad, I do question the fairness of this. Are you spending longer with both of your in-laws than you would like and is there a fair balance within your relationship? Could your DH sometimes go to see his parents without you whilst you do other things? And if your DH thinks his mum is so wonderful, why isn't he including her more or focusing on her more during your visits? Does he have a way of having interesting conversations with his mum or is his own relationship also stuck at a superficial positive level?

I think for a lot of older people it was drummed into them years ago that to make polite conversation was polite, and she is absolutely doing this. So fair enough. For whatever reason you’ve not made it into ‘relaxed company’ stage together yet but lots of people never do, not least with a MIL/FIL.

I get it’s annoying, but she won’t change, so you have to just stop being around it. Develop a reason you’re busy and why your DH goes there on his own. She probably doesn’t want to see you as much as she wants see him anyway. Relief all round.

Second thought, even though reaosn don’t matter that much because it’s better to focus on the end point but… maybe you’re ND and she’s uncomfortable with your direct conversation?
Or that you both are, but in ways that express themselves differently and don’t complement the other?

You may never know why- but the main thing is that there is no reason to keep on doing it. Save your goodwill for if and when she needs your practical help when she’s frailer and older.

I advise this, OP.
It's what I have had to do. It's so draining, and so I've had to reduce contact. My mother isn't polite though, she's actually quite rude much of the time, so I feel justified.

Her wanting to see me isn't more important than me not wanting to see her. So I've gone from seeing her pretty much 5 times a week and speaking daily out of a sense of misplaced duty, to seeing her once every two weeks or so.

This is exactly like my mother! It's so frustrating. She has no opinion on anything and is unable to enagage in any topic other than the weather. This is then predictably followed by the same old questions asking how everyone is. No matter what I say in reponse her reply will be either, "Oh that's nice for him/her/them, isn't it?" or "Oh, that's not good is it?".

Shes not “worth listening to” though is she? . I know it’s right on to be kind and virtue signal or diagnose syndromes but it’s likely simple as being vacuous, silly and not very bright. Having to spend large chunks of your free time with someone like that is going to be wearing.

ADHD?

Just don’t go if you hate it so much?

Yes I thought she might be taklking a lot due to having to be around someone who hates her. Nothing more boring than someone who thinks they’re superior and so much smarter than everyone else 🥱

Maybe she senses the absolute contempt you feel for her, and it makes her nervous.

Not everyone was born with your intellect but that doesn't mean she isn't worth listening to !

What are her interests and hobbies? What does she do for a job? She raised your dh, who you must rate or you wouldn't have married him.

How’s her hearing OP? Sometimes when people’s hearing is going they will interrupt a lot and say stuff that isn’t really responding to the conversation. Also my MiL was like this after an invisible stroke kick-started her dementia. I completely get how irritating it is but there might be health issues behind it.

I think I know her. Yes five minutes is lovely, but more is too much

One example, a donkey made a visit to her care home. He’s a lovely friendly donkey and the owners love him. The residents get carrots to give to the donkey. MIL turned to me and said
‘Doesn’t he chew well?’ FFS what do I say to that?

Would ‘Yes, he chews really well, MIL!’, fit the bill, perhaps?

Is she lonely? If she doesn't see many people during the week maybe her social skills have gone a bit rusty. Could she also be unhappy, especially if she is in recovery from a drinking problem. I know in the times in my life where I have been desperately unhappy I have been guilty of keeping conversations toxicly positive to avoid breaking down.

I think the suggestion of taking her out is a very good one.

My MIL is exactly the same. It’s infuriating and I feel like I don’t actually know her at all because she never expresses a real opinion or thought. Someone could be telling her about their friend who has dropped out of college to become a meth dealer and she’d respond with “Oh well, to each their own.”

Why would she be nervous around her own son and Dil shes presumably known for years?

Started noticing this in a friend in our wider group she’s on constant transmit - just witters on non stop mostly drivel. Nice enough woman but realised I can’t be in her company longer than about 2 hours.

Snowfrogyour reaction is odd are you like this yourself? Why so aggressive to the op? People are allowed (anonymous) opinions.

She does sound like she could be neurodiverse - especially the fact that she is worse since you see her more. It’s much harder to mask on a regular basis than it is occasionally.

And if she’s stopped drinking then that may also be adding to a nervousness if she used the alcohol as a confidence boost.

Ok how about judgy and superior

OP I feel your pain. My MIL drives me insane with her pointless babble. I have to zone out and ignore her otherwise I will explode.
One example, a donkey made a visit to her care home. He’s a lovely friendly donkey and the owners love him. The residents get carrots to give to the donkey. MIL turned to me and said
‘Doesn’t he chew well?’ FFS what do I say to that?
Her son (my DH) knows that she will talk absolute nonsense. Let’s face it, he’s had a lifetime of it. He zones out and leaves me to pick up the pieces. I’m wise to it now, I do the same.
Anyone ever watched the film Clockwise with John Cleese? They pick up a woman in one of the cars and she talks non stop about nothing the whole journey.

My MIL is 92 and is as bright as a button. Nothing gets past her and she sees and knows everything. She definatly does not have any form of memory loss.

Sorry OP, I don’t know what to tell you. I just zone out, it’s the only way I can cope.

This is like “the ick”. Once you’ve noticed something like this and it annoys you that’s it.

Mil is the opposite extremely negative. It’s so bad it’s almost funny.

I’d get out of the house or do an activity or a project. I do this with my mother who is similar but in a mildly negative way. A walk to the park and a coffee, a big jigsaw that gets rolled out when she’s there, a trip to a local NT property, a beauty treatment at a local spa, a mooch round Waterstones or John Lewis, etc.

What's 'babbly' about the OP's post? It sounds as if you're saying that just for the sake of having something to say.

She is probably wishing she could get on with her day. Several hours is far too long to impose on people.
Your husband can visit all he wants, no need to join him often.

Bit harsh.. your post is rather babbly

I wish my mil was more like that!

Mine is a major over sharer. She goes on about how fat she is, her depression, different medications she's on, and she ends up crying at some point almost every day of a visit.

It's just awkward!