Worry over son

Does he want to drop out of the course completely? Or come back home and commute to lectures?

I think you need to encourage him to stay a bit longer its only been a week.

You could try to persuade him to stay a bit longer and see if he settles in. The first week can be tricky but hopefully things will improve in time.

Alternatively, if you think it's too much for him, as it's so early in the term, he may be able to transfer to another university that is closer to where you live. Some unis will still be accepting applications (but not the top ones obviously).

Keep talking to him OP.

I would encourage him to give it a couple of months. He is only there a week and is not experiencing the reality yet. People are probably more outgoing/noisy/active at the moment than what they will be in a few weeks when bogged down with reading/essays etc. Things in the halls will be much calmer.

Can you arrange for him to come home for a couple of weekends, but to try and push on until reading week and rethink.

It is better to encourage your son to stay and spend some more time, when after some time he will have a few friends, he will automatically adjust with them and his anxiety will reduce. You could talk to him about his feelings to know him better.

Kindly, the worry about loans would be his problem and maybe suggesting he factor this into his decision, may help?? Are you in a position to throw money at the problem, if its the halls that are really the issue? Can he upgrade to a studio, that avoids the sharing bit. Is it the halls per se, or just his flat mates?

My son has ASD, and he hated the first few weeks, alcohol and meeting other peopl in other flat shares helped in the end (Not necessarily advocating this!) But I think a long chat around all the options and implications may be needed, can you for pick him up? What lectures are planned in the next few days? He probably doesn't have them every day.

Please tell him it is absolutely normal to want to come home in the first week. And it's natural to feel anxious, too. Anxiety is not necessarily a MH issue, if it is tied to a stressful life change. Ask him to give it and himself a chance: tell him you trust that he can handle it, and that it will become fasmiliar in time. Maybe suggest he makes some mini goals for himself: to join two clubs or societies; to go to the uni gym, to contact the MH support team or the chaplain and let them know he is struggling, and to actually attend the lectures or seminars and do the work - after all, that is why he is paying so much money - he may as well start learning and focusing. He will not be the only one who feels lonely in his first term.

Also, he is in London, so he could explore one thing a week that interests him. DS was stranded in London during Covid at a uni that did nothing to ease student isolation. It nearly broke him. But he walked - alone - for miles every day through the deserted city and got to know it well. Now he has settled in and loves London life. He too suffers from anxiety and takes medication for it but he has stopped letting it dictate his life and make it small.

Maybe offer to come and visit him next weekend. Bring some home cooked treats. Stay in touch daily by WhatsApp.

Does he know about this?

UCL's student-led support group for neurodiverse students (self ID is fine)

There's also support here UCL MH SERVICES

If he’s out of his depth, don’t push him to stay. You know him best. Speak to uni with him to figure out what to do now. If he’s in uni halls they are usually more flexible with the contract, although you might need to find someone to take over his room. As it’s so early in the term - lectures may not have even started - tuition fee might be cancelled. If student loan has been paid out, he could repay it straight away. There may be a small amount of interest, but he can see that on his account and clear it if funds allow.

Then take a gap year. Part time work will help with anxiety around people. Fast food place worked for my ds as there’s minimal interaction and set processes to follow for everything. Save up funds to pay off any remaining loan and build savings.

If he decides to try uni again next year, he’ll go with grades in hand which is a much less stressful process, money in the bank, and realistic expectations for the first few weeks. Expect to be bored, expect to be lonely, not everyone can push themselves to attend things and join societies. And plan to stay until at least reading week or Christmas to give it a good go. But that doesn’t sound like the best option for him this time round.

Can he transfer to a more local uni to continue his course?

Are you in a position to go and visit him for a couple of days?
Get him to see student support/talk through his options?
If he really does want to leave it might not be too late to transfer to a uni closer to home and commute so he can live at home?

Have him home on Friday night and take him back on Sunday pm. During that time look to see if there are uni's nearby where he could live at home at least for the first year. Or, if that isn't possible treat it like a weekly boarding situation, Sunday pm to Friday pm.

I think in the first instance, you need to stop blaming yourself! - This is not your fault, and he has reached out to you. Certainly doesn't sound like the world's worst mother to me, I suspect these were your deepest fears, but nowt you could have done. Can you get to go and visit him? Get him out of the room, he's probably stuck in a teeny room, inside his own head. He is also thinking everyone else is doing fine, but that absolutely won't be the case. I think you would both feel better after a hug and a chat.

If he wants to come home at weekends then he has to use public transport. Or, could he look for employment at the weekends or evenings? To help him get more confidence socially could he help say at the local hospital showing people to the wards, or some other voluntary situation in the evenings/weekends depending on lecture times etc?

Get him home when your not working. Do a gap year and study either open university or one closer to home. In that time please get him assessed if you suspected for some time, this should of been done and not ignored. Late diagonsis can be very damaging.

You are in panic mode. You need to calm down -admittedly that's hard when our kids are struggling. Someone up thread posted links to support services at UCL, you need to encourage ds to contact them even if its just to get advice on changing Uni. There will be olenty of support and advice available so make use of it.

I wouldn't be asking, I would have been on my way to him as soon as he expressed that he was feeling this way. I wouldn't hesitate to bring him home straight away (or encourage him to just come home).

If you do think that a discussion about staying on may help, then home is the place to do that, anyway.

You are really catastrophising. If this isn’t for him then it isn’t for him. The loan etc will get sorted and he can decide what to do next. Maybe he needs a year working to build up confidence, get therapy if needed and decide what he wants to do. He’s young and the kids nowadays are likely to be working until they’re in their 70s so he’s got plenty of time to figure it out.

Personally I’d try and convince him to stick it out for longer but if he’s adamant then it’s his life and it’s clearly not the route for him.