Worry over son

You're probably right @ikeepforgetting. Apologies

'Respectfully'@JustGoogleIt15, nobody knows the background or situation beyond what is written here, so it is hugely unhelpful to judge how the OP has responded to a very difficult and stressful situation. She was in a spin and looking for some calm words of support I am guessing. I've certainly been there.

OP I hope things work out.

Goodness. Respectfully it's hardly the end of the world. You've now faced his MH problems and can help him get therapy/diagnosis.

He and you can sort out the loan or transfer it to another more local uni starting September 2027

In the next year he can work on himself and his MH and get a job or do voluntary work

Do you think you're a very anxious person @buggermewhatnext?

I would ask to move the course to near home and then he can commute .In the time it takes to organise this he may settle in but best to enquire right at the start of the course so he doesn't lose a year . Commuting is much more common these days with the cost of everything . The unis get this all the time they have staff for pastoral care etc . That's just my opinion and I know it involves finding a similar course etc which may prove difficult. Just hope u can sort it someway. One of my sons changed uni to one he could commute to . 2 others commuted and 2 lived in so I have experience of either way . It depends on their personality really doesn't it .

Ok well at least the decision is made. Many students drop out of their first uni/course because it isn’t right for whatever reason.

Try and persuade him to at least look at transferring so he can live at home (if there is a uni close enough), missing the first week or two isn’t a dealbreaker.

If he really doesn’t want to a gap year may be the best thing so he can work on his anxiety and apply again next year to a different uni

Has he started the actual lectures yet? Things might change when he gets to know the people on his course as he is likely to have more in common with them than random flatmates.

I think you are right to be worried about the loan side of things as presumably you are liable for his accommodation costs and he’s only going to get the first loan instalment of his maintenance loan so he’s going to have to get a job to cover the rest.

OP, it’s great he has somewhere to come home to if he’s not ready for this. Think of it like that 💐

My son went to uni on Saturday. Recently he has been suffering panic attacks, really bad ones. On Monday night he phoned me in the midst of the worst one he’s ever had. It was horrific, he’s in the middle of Manchester barely able to get his breathe, feeling like he’s about to faint. After being unable to calm down, he went to an and e (this was not an easy choice for him but he wasn’t with anyone and his arms were going numb). My husband drove the 2 hours to be with him which he was extremely grateful for. The hospital was fantastic, although very busy. He said at one point he wanted to come home, but when his dad left at 5.30am he decided to stay as he doesn’t want this to beat him. It’s utterly heartbreaking knowing what they’re going through. The panic attack continued for 24 hours, calming down and then peaking again. Knowing what he’s experiencing is awful as a mother. You just want to take the issue away for them. I’m scared for my son’s mental health, as I assume you are too. I also wish my son had gone to a more local university but they have to make their own choices. Your son will make the best decision for himself, a year out would not be a failure ❤️

I could tell you were panicking, glad you can breathe again! Please try not to worry, everything will work itself out. I am not being glib (it's taken a lot of therapy to get to that point!) but there is very little you can't sort between you.

My DS18 is autistic and he is taking this year out - so far a lot of sleeping - to gather himself for potentially a Foundation at Uni next year. I have no doubt he will find it difficult but whatever happens, I know I will figure it out. You will too.

As soon as your DS sees that you have your sorting out hat on, he will calm down too. Good luck to you both

I think if he leaves now he won't be charged the full student tuition loan however the halls will likely charge him unless he finds someone to take his space.
Could you visit this coming weekend?
My son is very introverted and not good at speaking to new people, this could well be him next year, am already concerned about it.
However I do think it's not all wild fun and new friends in the first few weeks for some, once his actual course begins he might well find some new friends.
Otherwise, home for now, gap year or transfer somewhere locally.

His generation were hit so hard by Covid - socially isolated at exactly the time when teens start to find their social niche - whether it's cool kids or quiet boffins or gamers. They had such a long setback.

Is there a university within distance of home because you can transfer to another course at a closer uni.
I went to one uni, hated my course and left after a few weeks, found another course at a another uni that was closer, all worked out in the end

When one of my daughters felt like this, we arranged a weekend home a couple of weeks later. When she came back, I was unsure she would return but I managed to persuade her to go with the agreement she could come home every weekend. Knowing that, she got back on the train and then she settled over the next few weeks. I think knowing she had the fall back option of coming home each weekend really settled her.

You are really catastrophising. If this isn’t for him then it isn’t for him. The loan etc will get sorted and he can decide what to do next. Maybe he needs a year working to build up confidence, get therapy if needed and decide what he wants to do. He’s young and the kids nowadays are likely to be working until they’re in their 70s so he’s got plenty of time to figure it out.

Personally I’d try and convince him to stick it out for longer but if he’s adamant then it’s his life and it’s clearly not the route for him.

I wouldn't be asking, I would have been on my way to him as soon as he expressed that he was feeling this way. I wouldn't hesitate to bring him home straight away (or encourage him to just come home).

If you do think that a discussion about staying on may help, then home is the place to do that, anyway.

You are in panic mode. You need to calm down -admittedly that's hard when our kids are struggling. Someone up thread posted links to support services at UCL, you need to encourage ds to contact them even if its just to get advice on changing Uni. There will be olenty of support and advice available so make use of it.

Get him home when your not working. Do a gap year and study either open university or one closer to home. In that time please get him assessed if you suspected for some time, this should of been done and not ignored. Late diagonsis can be very damaging.

If he wants to come home at weekends then he has to use public transport. Or, could he look for employment at the weekends or evenings? To help him get more confidence socially could he help say at the local hospital showing people to the wards, or some other voluntary situation in the evenings/weekends depending on lecture times etc?

I think in the first instance, you need to stop blaming yourself! - This is not your fault, and he has reached out to you. Certainly doesn't sound like the world's worst mother to me, I suspect these were your deepest fears, but nowt you could have done. Can you get to go and visit him? Get him out of the room, he's probably stuck in a teeny room, inside his own head. He is also thinking everyone else is doing fine, but that absolutely won't be the case. I think you would both feel better after a hug and a chat.

Have him home on Friday night and take him back on Sunday pm. During that time look to see if there are uni's nearby where he could live at home at least for the first year. Or, if that isn't possible treat it like a weekly boarding situation, Sunday pm to Friday pm.

Are you in a position to go and visit him for a couple of days?
Get him to see student support/talk through his options?
If he really does want to leave it might not be too late to transfer to a uni closer to home and commute so he can live at home?

Can he transfer to a more local uni to continue his course?