anyone good with witty responses?

Could you explain a little more about how you have a disability but don’t consider yourself disabled? That sounds like a contradiction in terms.

It seems like these people are really just trying to be kind and don’t need to be “put in their place”. A polite way to assert yourself might just be to say “Thanks. I’m so used to myself that I don’t feel I’m experiencing any impact.”

I would swing between ‘patronising much’ or ‘if you say so’.

Then maybe you could just say “I experience myself as differently abled, not disabled, but thank you for your thought.”

Yeah that'd be me. Although I'd probably get arsey to be honest.

People are so fucking annoying sometimes 🙄

Similar to asking them to repeat themselves, a perplexed "sorry have I missed something" might highlight how ridiculous these comments are.

And the training one is just asking for you to say can I just confirm without the training would I not be welcome - that's just a reflex joke surely?!

Can you say the same thing back to them. "Keep showing up - everyone in the room wants you to be here" etc.

My friend is gay and he does this - if people ask him "when did you know you were gay?" he asks "When did you know you were straight?" For example.

I’d just stick with “errr ok then…? Shall we crack on?” Or something like that. Hopefully they’ll get the message that their comments were wholly unwelcome and maybe make them think.

I personally do not understand at all why anyone feels they have the right to comment on your disability or difference, unless you started the convo and it was relevant. But I do understand that the world is full of twats, so…

Sometimes I do think it's about them (or a family member). A teenager was shaken when some ableist delightful woman whined at him for his support dog being in the room, and upset him so much he quit. His dad (at another workplace) was talking to a woman who has one; no, he shouldn't be commenting to her, but it can be that the person has been affected directly or indirectly and is clumsily trying to make things better,

I don't think about it, it doesn't bother me, I'm fine thanks, don't worry about it I don't, is there something I missed?

OP, your reportage of the fools other people make of themselves is worthy of Barbara Pym or Jane Austen.

If you can’t piss these cringeathons off cos they’re paying you, sigh, then beam, announce ‘That’s great to hear’ and pointedly change the subject.

My old boss thanked me in front of the whole company once by proudly roaring ‘and you work harder than the normal people’.

Just errr thanks, with a small smile, should do it. It's all in the brief hesitation.

What should I keep showing up to and will there be snacks? Maybe throw in a massive smile.

Judging? I wouldn’t expect there to be any it is work after all and not Strictly.

You are absolutely going to need to explain that one to me, what shame are you referring to, again with beaming assassin smile.

oh how exciting can you give me an in-depth summary as it sounds fascinating.

or the old reliable sorry I don’t understand can you explain, followed by sorry I don’t understand can you explain please, and then sorry I don’t understand can you explain please with a head tilt…..until they run out of steam and become uncomfortable.

“You don't have to worry about that at all, none of us here are judging you in any way"

“oh really? That’s a shame. I jumped to some pretty wild conclusions about you the moment I walked in but perhaps now isn’t the time to share!”

“Good on you, never feel like you shouldn't be in the room. Keep showing up."

”Well, yes I did plan to. In my professional experience, it’s the best way to make sure I get paid every month, but thanks for the advice!”

Ooo that's good and once delivered that's got to sting..cue awkward silence.

"I know you mean it kindly, but honestly I dont your virtue signalling"

I get it OP.

I think I'd just say something rhetorical like "I wonder if your assumptions are getting in the way here" with a judgy head tilt, and walk away/move on.

Or "I understand that you've jumped to some conclusions but that doesn't mean they're accurate", plus equally condescending smile.

Both of these are just direct enough to embarrass people, in theory...but if there's no self-awareness in play at all you may as well just bang your head against the wall 😳

To all those comments, I’d answer “Is that so?” and then change the subject immediately, as if they hadn’t said it. It’s not witty, it may go right over their heads, it doesn’t challenge them. But it won’t affect your standing with them, and they may find that the penny drops later when they’re by themselves, and start to rethink their response before they meet their next victim. You might even start receiving belated apologies…

Person "<insert random unwanted comment here>"

You: "Awww. Aanyway.......,"

I tried to give you a non-snarky response upthread as I agree with you. But perhaps the issue is that you’re trying to be witty while addressing an issue that annoys you, and a lot of humour has an inherent slight darkness. Maybe you just need to aim for friendly, clear and sincere.

Just grin and tell them that actually you identify as an able bodied person. Then get any questions out of the way, they’ll probably never see it as an issue again.

I'd go with this one.

Or: "I never think about my disability until someone reminds me of it."