anyone good with witty responses?

In order
"OK then"
"Erm...thanks (I think)"
"If you say so"
"Jolly good"

I couldn't be bothered with witty. Just shut them down.

I agree with @squashyhat , just answer them blandly and actively move on to the task at hand.
'Umm, thanks. (give a little smile) Let's look at the spreadsheets now.'

I would just look at them blankly and then ask if they meant to be patronising or rude 🤣

You could ask them to explain themselves
what do you mean?
Can you explain please?

’Ok, then’ is the best: it’s not directly rude, but it’s also not warm. Shuts them down and gives them something to think about.

"I'd rather focus on the job at hand, not on any perceptions around my disability."

I’d go with staring at them blankly, glancing down at your wrist and then screaming “OH MY GOD WHERE DID MY ARM GO?!”. They’ll leave you alone after that….. 🤣

When people ask me about DS’s disability the two we get all the time are “wow he doesn’t LOOK disabled”, and “what’s wrong with him?”. I used to grit my teeth and be polite, but mostly now I go with “what is a disabled person supposed to look like, exactly?” and “nothing’s WRONG with him, his brain just works differently to other people”.

“I’m sure you mean well, but I don’t need any reassurance”.

Me! No… ah, wait…

Can’t believe no one had suggested the classic mumsnet
’do you mean to be so rude?’

but as pp has suggested ‘ok then’ works well

Look confused and say 'what do you mean?' they'll stumble and realise what and arse they've been.

If they say something like 'yourr very welcome here flip it and say gently 'why wouldn't I be welcome?'

For the 'keep showing up' type comments say 'oh yes, you too!'

Neither clever or witty tho

'Until you mentioned it, I didn't feel unwelcome.'
'Well, now I do feel like a diversity hire. So, thanks for that.'

"Good on you, never feel like you shouldn't be in the room. Keep showing up."
Why thank you - I have never had that feeling - should I have done?

"You don't have to worry about that (being discriminated against?) at all, none of us here are judging you in any way"
I think the need to comment is a judgement don't you?

"awww that's such a shame isn't it"
Not really, I love being commented on - tells me a lot about other people.

"Our team has just had diversity and inclusion training, so you're very welcome here"
And so are you...

I would though tend more to sarcasm!

Thank you. I find it’s handy to be brighter than I look, better than looking brighter than I am. Must crack on.

It’s a garbled quote from a James Bond film. DH and I use it all the time.

"Good on you, never feel like you shouldn't be in the room. Keep showing up."
Either the straight ‘ok then’ or ‘why wouldn’t I?’ Or repeat back ‘keep showing up?’ in a puzzled tone.

Or full sarcy, lay on the patronising faux concerned voice and say ‘ahh thank you, and you know, you too! Keep going, honestly you’re doing fine’ etc etc

"You don't have to worry about that (being discriminated against?) at all, none of us here are judging you in any way"

Wow, am I supposed to say thank you?

Judging me for what?

Why would I be worried?

Shame I can’t say the same hey?

No of course, I’ll be the one doing the judging here. (If you think you can be jokey about it, I can see a context where you could be like ‘no but just so YOU know, I’m a total judgy bitch so I can’t promise the same’ but obviously that’s very situation dependent!)

Oh it’s not me that needs to be worried ….

"awww that's such a shame isn't it"

What is?

That the document didn’t get approved/ we didn’t win the business/ they’re no longer supplying hobknobs in the staff room? Yeah it is.

The patronising remarks? Yeah but I’m used to them.

"Our team has just had diversity and inclusion training, so you're very welcome here"

Cool, keep going with the training - almost there!

You needed training so that disabled people would be welcome?

Really? What would you have said without the training do you think?

Id have hoped to be welcome either way really.

wow, so this is the improved version? Good to know ….

For the 'keep showing up' type comments say 'I say the same about you! With a large wink

"Everybody has got something."

The comments you’re experiencing sound like micro aggressions. If you google how to respond to them there are lots of websites with suggested phrasing to remain neutral and help people see how their behaviour is impacting you. If it doesn’t resolve then this is a HR issue. Don’t just accept it.

"I was feeling fine until you said that!"

"Our team has just had diversity and inclusion training, so you're very welcome here"
"Thank you. I'm glad we've got the awkwardness out of the way. I'll let you know if I need any accessibility adjustments. Meanwhile, shall we crack on?"

(Thank you because you want to start with a positive and diffuse the situation, not because you necessarily mean it!)

Have you tried just 'Pardon?' in a confused tone of voice?

DM does a great 'I don't understand?' 'I don't get it, can you explain?' while looking very ernest and confused, it's surprisingly effective. I can't pull it off, my face betrays me! 😂