Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

You might think it's an overreaction, but things have clearly been building up for your adult kids and this was a last straw moment.

If you have a great relationship with someone and they mess up like he did, then it would usually mean apologies and making up. Your kids clearly didnt have a good relationship.

I at 23 stopped talking to my dad's long term gf, I was visiting from where I lived hundreds of miles away and she shouted at me (due to being angry my dad and I were facetiming my sister overseas who had already stopped talking to her) and I just thought, I'm a adult, I don't need to have this woman in my life wasting my time. And I'd known her since I was 8, affair partner of my dad's. Makes it harder to see my dad and my siblings stopped speaking to him for letting gfs bad behaviour to us over the years go some fifteen yrs ago. Make sure you know the facts before putting the onus on your children to forgive. You don't seem at all angry your partner did what he did.

Pur your DC first over a man.

See, if anything happens to DH I will be staying single. I don't want another man! One in my lifetime is more than enough. I have a vibe if I need some attention in that department...

Honestly OP no man is worth this over your DC.

My mum's partner was a massive creep, saying inappropriate things all the time to me and other young women. He was very handsy with women.

He also used to try and manipulate people and start rows and arguments for his own entertainment.

I hated his guts.

Early on in the relationship, after me moved in with us, my mum actually said to me (in a mocking way) "are you worried he'll crack onto to you?". She also said "don't make me choose him over you" (even though I wasn't saying anything of the sort).

I decided to move out, as a very young adult (18 and at uni) opting to base myself with a different family member as I did not want to see him.

My brother later did the same.

He was a nasty creep and I hated him. He died a few years ago.

I would never choose a partner over my own children. I do speak to my mum now but I don't trust her and don't have a strong relationship with her.

Not enough detail, so I'm assuming you're not telling the whole story and therefore no, you shouldn't choose your partner over your TWO children.

There's no way both of them are NC or threatening it over a shoulder touch.

I think people are now better at spotting and calling out abusive behaviour nowadays.

People buried it before, often with awful consequences.

There's a lot of missing context here.

Op, you do have to give all the information if you want a proper answer.

Just what i wondered

Why not have a sit down conversation with your children to find out exactly what the issue is? This might have been a relatively minor incident but perhaps the last straw for them, and you need to find out why.

No, its never right to choose a partner over your own children.

WTF is wrong with you?

You’d literally cut your mum off because her partner did that, as an adult? It sounds the kind of thing a near stranger might do at the pub; sure it annoys you but no contact feels another planet from that

You don’t go no contact with your mum over one “mucking around” incident, especially given the non involved sibling is threatening the same. There is much more to this and probably this time broke the camel’s back.

And yes, I would ALWAYS put my kids first.

What are they?

OPs not going to say what he did because she knows it was wrong ('but he apologised!') but wants a bunch of people to tell her that a bf is more important than her children.

How are your kids with your partner usually?

My best guess would be they don’t like them and are using this as an excuse or opportunity to force you to get rid of him

Your kids are adults. Every adult is someone’s child. Some adults are selfish twats so by that reason, your adult kids aren’t automatically in the right simply because they’re your offspring. You also don’t have to “choose” them just because they’re your kids if you think they are being unreasonable (which it sounds like they are). No decent person would threaten their mum to stop speaking to her unless she breaks up with her partner (what the fuck). Same as a mum who threatened to cut off her daughter or son unless they split with their partner is extremely unreasonable. If you just dance to these two’s tune you might end up very lonely and unhappy. Make your own choices. If you feel that your DP has done something worth splitting with him, do that. If not, don’t. Tell your kids they don’t have to see him but that your door is always open and then live your life.

it is sometimes when your dc are adult and not prepared to recognise that they are off living their life and still leaning on mum when suits but not prepared to let mum have a life of her own- then she just has to be nobody all the times they aren’t around, on her own for Christmas when it didn’t suit them to come as they build their own life. When dc have grown up but not matured enough to recognise their parents are people too, then sometimes the parents have to pick themselves.

No. Never.

Sorry but some people do. You can’t attribute an inherent reasonableness to these adult children unless you know they are reasonable. I know people who cut off family members and friends for the most ridiculous reasons you could imagine and those people did nothing wrong.

If I ever found myself in a position where I had to choose a relationship with my DS over my DH (his father) or any other partner, I would choose my DS in a heartbeat! Whether this is objectively "right" I don't know.
In your situation, it depends on context and history but your DD will be hurt if you minimise something which overstepped her boundaries. Your other DC has no right to make you choose, I would offer to visit them without yoir partner from now on and see if that is satisfactory.

Hmm. This post seems like a lot of projection here on your part.

In such a scenario I would suggest communicating your feelings with them and talking to them about it, like the adults you all are. Communication goes a long way.

I certainly dont think the solution to what you suggest is simply cutting your kids out of your life and prioritising a man.

Partners can screw you over just as easily btw- plenty of examples of this on MN.

You should do what you feel to be the right thing.

I don’t think you owe infinite loyalty to adult children in that sense. You get to choose to stay with your partner, you shouldn’t be blackmailed into dumping him.

You should tell your children that they are overreacting but you are always there for them. If it really was a trivial incident and your relationship was fine before , they will will come round.

I guess it depends on the “touching” of her shoulders and why/how she was “told off” and her age. If they’re treating to cut off contact it seems they aren’t that young?

“Theoretically” though, “going NC” can be a tool of emotional blackmail/manipulation or a last ditch attempt to be heard so the details of the circumstances are vital.

In your circumstance I’d seriously consider what I know of my children (are they prone to over-reaction/generally reasonable etc) and if there could possibly be anything else at play like existing issues with your partner or their father or school stress. Children (and adults!) don’t often want someone they don’t know and haven’t chosen moving into their home. Are they trying to stop that happening?

Really? What if your DS was an adult and had a huge falling out with your DH and said he wouldn’t speak to you again unless you left him? And say your DS also had a girlfriend, lived several hours away and you saw him a few times a year? You’d still up-end your personal life in support of an adult man (who by the way, in common with so many adult kids, doesn’t see you as a human in the full sense and just as an emotional support person that’s always there)? Because I find that baffling. And maybe that’s why there’s so many entitled mummy’s boys/girls out there because so many women are prepared to sacrifice their own happiness like this. The saddest thing is your adult kids would almost never choose you. Heck they’d pick their totally unsuitable boyfriend of three months over you in a heartbeat.

You also can't assume they're total twats based on no information either. If the incident was so minor and insignificant, why isn't OP telling us what it actually was?