Advice on leavng a 45 year marriage amicably, please

I always think is better to sell and start afresh in a new home. Your adults kids can help sorting out the house. Are they still living with you though?

Things will change for your adult children, but that's how it is. You can't stay together if you don't want to just to have a family home with storage space. It sounds like you'd prefer him to buy you out, I wouldn't get less than half though, why would you sabotage yourself out of the gate. Don't be deterred by them sorting out two rooms and impoverishing yourself for the future. You aren't in a position (unless you have lots of spare money or a great pension) to increase your funds in the future so you need to divide your house up fairly so you can buy somewhere small but nice for the future. Your children will cope, even if it isn't what they would choose, and who knows, they may be encouraging if they feel their dad is mean to you.

I would see a solicitor for legal advice for starters.

What will he buy you out with?

Good luck!

A solicitor is your first port of call OP. Take as much info as you can with you, and be candid about the financial abuse.

Your DCs will need to sort their rooms out or ask your husband if they can leave their stuff there after he’s bought you out.

Please do see a solicitor - things can turn nasty and even if they don't, there are aspects to a fair settlement that you might not even think about before it's too late.

I would never arrange a legal contract, which is what happens after a marriage dissolves, without a solicitor or lawyer's advice, there are things like pensions to divide, plus if there has been financial abuse, the chances of him being very fair and just is low, so you won't save money in the long run. You need the best settlement for you. Stop worrying about where he lives/if he's going to be ok and start worrying about what you need and if you will be ok. It's unfortunate if you both have to move, but not the end of the world, don't be all sacrificial about it to help him, he won't be grateful and you will end up shafted money-wise.

I suspect have sacrificed a lot already, get legal advice before you start making concrete arrangements.

I agree with @TheSunBeatsDown . Amicable is nice, but if you are dealing with a financial abusive person they are not going to want to be fair to you. It's much more important that you come out of this with an amount that you can comfortably live on for the rest of your life than it is to keep this amicable. Once you are out of that home you might never want to lay your eyes on him again so don't bend over backwards to make sure he is OK over yourself.

This is highly unlikely to remain amicable no matter how much you wish for it. Protect yourself and don't listen to your husband who will have his own agenda. After you meet with the solicitor can you start by asking your children if they want to keep anything from their rooms? Clearing one or two spaces will be a big step for you and will send a clear message. Don't forget charity shops often collect.

Please don't hold an Amicable Divorce up as a panacea. It's often shorthand for one party biting their tongue and accepting a status quo that isn't equal.

I'd be OK to accept a below market value such as this.

You are allowed to want a divorce, and you are also allowed and should expect a fair settlement.

See a solicitor who will help you ensure that this happens. You cannot go back and do it again, and you do not need to exit quietly with your tail between your legs feeling grateful for what you've got away with.

I've suggested if he can buy me out of our house, I'd be OK to accept a below market value if it'll buy me somewhere I feel safe.

No, don't accept less than your fair share.

I'm confused over how you think he will buy you out. Does he have savings to the value of half your house?

Exactly. Those savings are also obviously part of the assets that need dividing up (unless it's an inheritance that he has protected), so if you have that amount of savings you should be able to get a place the same value as the one you live in.

If staying in the existing house is primarily for his convenience, why should you settle for below market value?

Please also take into account any workplace pensions. His are likely to be far higher than yours, especially if you took extended time off as a SAHM when you had your children. You were supporting his career and enabling him to put more aside. That was not fair on you.

If you think there has been or is any kind of financial abuse, I agree with others. You really need a solicitor to deal with the financial settlement. It's no good trying to agree privately with him, as he will hide stuff and you don't want that to happen.

Contact your local branch of Women’s Aid. (your GP surgey will have the contact details). Mine worked with local solicitors who gave some free legal advice. Also please talk to them about the abuse. You sound like you are minimizing it. Abusers often accuse their victims of abusing them and also of other things which are actually their own faults.

i agree with PPs about this being unlikely to remain amicable with an abuser. To be honest, you need to go no contact with an abuser and even then tbe abuse can continue via your children.

I left abusive exDP 3 years ago. (Also no sexual or physical abuse) it was mainly psychological abuse - like water wearing away stone. It has taken me those 3 years to recover.