Advice on leavng a 45 year marriage amicably, please

Yes, that was naive.

It's clear this man uses money as a means of control.

You will need a forensic accountant if you think there is money hidden away somewhere. The sol should be able to recommend one/ work with one.

Be prepared for a bad experience. I suspect you hoped for an amicable one because deep down you know rough waters lie ahead

Refuges are full.

They will give you the opportunity to get a lot off your chest, and signpost you to support.

Assets are 50:50 to start with. So you do have access to this money. It all goes in the pot to be shared out. This is why you need legal advice.

It's more than likely that it won't be amicable I'm afraid. They tend to turn when they realise you are serious and how much they stand to lose.

Women's Aid are really helpful. They won't whisk you to a refuge unless you are in imminent danger. They will help you work out next steps and deal with the abuse.

They don’t do that unless you want them to. You’ll be glad you got in touch with them. They are very helpful.

I just wanted to say good luck. I wish so much that my mum had divorced my dad many years ago but she is basically stuck now (aged 75 and 79, he has dementia. At the weekend I had to ring one of his other women and tell her to stop contacting him, due to the distress it is causing us all, as he can't now compartmentalise like he used to).

Please get legal advice and think not just about now but the future, and stay strong, you've got to do this for you. Think of something you'd like to do or have in five years time and work towards that. Wishing you the very very best.

Please don't be tempted to take any less than half for that house... Yes to forensic accountant too, please get your share because this is a one time only offer. My lovely step Mum left my horrible Dad in her early 70's... She's flourishing now.

Financial abuse is a very serious abuse.
A good forensic accountant will find the money easily enough. Money very well spent.
Don't be silly wasting kindness on him.
Focus on yourself and your future.
You have a lot of good years to enjoy your peace.
Some counselling would be very helpful as a support.

Don’t accept a lower percentage just for ease. See a solicitor for initial advice at least so you are informed. Otherwise he might take advantage of you.

Just popping on here to say, don’t neglect to update your will - especially after all of this is sorted. Please make one if you don’t have one, amend the existing one if you do. You do not need to tell anyone (especially your husband) that you are doing this nor what it says, but make sure your executors know that there is a new one in existence.

Good luck @HundredAcreOwl - and I definitely echo pp’s advice to make sure you get a fair settlement- especially where pensions are concerned.

Pretty sure it won't stay amicable once it gets down to brass tacks. Get a solicitor, stay firm on getting what you're due.

Keep going, you will get there. And the feeling of having your own safe space will be priceless. I did it thirteen years ago and still feel a thrill when I arrive home.

Please remember, even 'nice' men can become unhinged when it comes to making leaving final, so keep an eye on his behaviour and take care of yourself.

Absolutely do not settle for less than market value! You are the one who would be left with all of the moving costs, while he gets to stay without the hard work or moving either. If anything, he pays half of market price and half of the moving costs.

What about furniture? Setting up a new place can be expensive, so any agreement needs to include everything. This should also include pensions. You need a SHL Shit Hot Lawyer who specialises in family law. Someone who will know what to look for with him hiding financial information.

Wishing you all the best.

Good luck brave lady ❤️

It will save you money but you should still see one for general advice etc. They might point out things you haven’t considered.

I want to offer another perspective which is that being amenable - which in your case looks like accepting below market price for your share of the house - doesn't always actually make things more amicable. Sometimes being strong - which might look like letting your lawyer guide how you approach this - does. You know the expression weak men make hard times. Just something to consider.

Also in this market it might be quite hard to determine what the "market" price of the house is, unless you're in a town/city where there are lots of house sales going on which the estate agent can look at to estimate the value. In the end the market price is what someone is willing to pay.

Good luck op. If you google the name of your county and domestic abuse charity you should find a local service who can support you with what’s happening.

Go and see a solicitor ASAP, physically. It’s one time where you need to be pro-active.
I have a feeling you’ve had a terrible time for 45 years and there is more which we don’t need to know.
Things like throwing your things out, blocking you in a room. Absolutely vile.
As for your kids’ stuff tell them to come and sort it or you will skip it. Give them a timeframe as they will continue to use your home as storage. I’m only saying this as I used my parents’ house as a storage facility. I hang my head in shame now.
At 70, you have years to go which you deserve to enjoy in peace. You are doing so well so keep going.
If you have any really valuable things do you have a friend who can keep them for you for now?
This man may not go quietly.
From this point, he is not your friend.
You need to be your own advocate from now on.
Wishing you the very, very best of luck you deserve it.

Good luck OP. You deserve support and hopefully they can help.

They may well be able to help you, but if you do decide to take the divorce further, they may be able to suggest a solicitor who will actually do something. If not, it's worth phoning around, rather than waiting for that call. And, if you do go there at any time, stick out for what is rightfully yours from the start, if things get tricky, sometimes one person has to take less away than ideal, so better to at least be asking for your share.

"He has money I don't have access to" - after 45 years you are entitled to half of this. And half his pension. As well as half the house and half of everything else. Don't let his financial abuse continue into the divorce.

If you are married to a man who has treated you unpleasantly to the extent that you want to divorce at an older age then you definitely can't trust him 100% regarding anything. A solicitor is vital. Regarding your children's stuff. I have a friend who had 2 bedrooms full of her adult children's crap after they'd moved on. She had it in rooms she could have used for years and years. When she eventually had to downsize her son came ( because there was a final and absolute deadline) put everything in his large car and took it straight to the tip. He hadn't wanted or valued any of it but she had felt she had to keep it . My parents had a huge clear out when my father was first diagnosed with Parkinsons. The message from them was 'its going in the garage. If it isn't collected within a week ( we all live close by) then it is going to the tip/ charity/ end of drive with FREE on it'.

Never forget the phrase " you never truly know a man until you divorce him"
I divorced in my 30s ( in the 1990s) after my husband left. Our children were 2 and 3. It was only because we were legally married ( and therefore I had the law to support me) that he was obliged to behave as an outwardly decent person and organise things as the law required. He was a company financial director and couldn't afford the corporate shame of an attachment of earnings on his salary/ living in a poncy flat whilst his wife and children ended up on benefits. If we hadn't been married then the monster he truly was would have been fully unleashed. A solicitor will ensure you have a fair share of all that you have both worked for. Make sure you get a financial order as part of your divorce so he can't come back in future years if he's been a prat with his share and wants a new chunk of yours.

Bloody good for you. It’ll be hard to habitats divorce and setting up a new life, but you’ll do it.

Be happy.