Advice on leavng a 45 year marriage amicably, please

Absolutely agree. A marriage is a contract and he can't keep some money out of your reach, that's illegal. Get your solicitor to use a forensic accountant if need be to uncover all of the marital assets before divorce.

You've had some fantastic advice here OP. I wonder if you would like to start another thread on the Relationships board? I imagine you might need more help and support going forward.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Firstly - never let yourself think 'oh, it's not that bad.' You're probably past this stage now, but you are allowed to divorce him for ANY REASON AT ALL. Even if you just don't like his choice of trousers or the fact he snores. Don't let yourself be persuaded to back down by anyone.

Then - your kids' rooms full of stuff. I doubt, if they've moved out and have their own places, that they are going to want any of it. They'd need to move it anyway, even if you were just selling up to downsize. So give each of them a day to come and take what they want then book a skip for the rest. While they are there they can help you to chuck away the remainder (been there with my kids).

Once preparations are under way and steps are being taken, you will feel better.

This was me 20 years ago . I remember that light feeling ! I bought my X out but so much relief when we separated. Good luck .

If there has been financial abuse OP then you definitely need a solicitor to secure your own future. He wont be honest about his money with you, but a solicitor will force that. You will also be entitled to some of his pension. Ideally, you need to be out of the house whilst your divorce goes through as it sounds like physical threats could start - lile.preventing you leaving already. Could a child put you up for a bit? Please tell them the whole truth so they understand the nature of everything. Without sounding callous, you need to rinse him so you are financially secure, and I bet a solicitor will secure things for you you haven't even thought about. You deserve to be happy, and if this man has with held money from you during your length marriage which has prevented you living your life then it's time to compensate you for that.

1 talk to a solicitor and get a realistic feel for how it might go, cost etc.
2 there are companies that pack up.everything from scratch maybe if you can afford it that's take some of the stress out? They could also deliver direct to your DC.
3 have a contingency in case the house takes time to sell

All assets should be pooled & split 50/50

Property
Money
Pensions
Vehicles
That is the starting point

"Stuff" in adult childrens rooms is minor.
Tell them to start removing their items

Start to declutter yourself

I agree that the status quo may not remain amicable

File for divorce

Do some research and find a GOOD, experienced, specialist solicitor, not just one which is conveniently close or offers a longer initial free consultation. This may well get messy, and you need someone who really knows what they're doing. And you need to stop thinking about what will make things easier and more acceptable for your husband. He will be putting himself first, and you absolutely shouldn't be doing the same. For instance, it's not your problem that he'd like to stay in the same expensive area that you're in now. You need your solicitor to get you the best possible deal. And get the adult children to sort out their rooms asap, so that's behind you, and you can start sorting out your stuff too, to make the house more sellable next spring.

I think you are amazing @HundredAcreOwl - you are right to be getting out now; this will only worsen as he ages and you deserve happier and freer years ahead of you to enjoy. I don't know if anyone has recommended it on here, but you might also like to contact Hourglass - Financial abuse | Hourglass - a charity specialising in financial abuse of older people. It does cater a bit more to people who are vulnerable and being exploited and you sound like you have insight, strength and wisdom rooted within you - but they might be a useful ally as you move forward.

I wish you every success and many happy, well-deserved and free times ahead. x

I'm setting a timeline, house on market next Spring/early Summer if he can't buy me out, plenty of time for us all to sort stuff.

He will use that time to hide money and ramp up the financial abuse. You need to assume that he's not going to play fair.

Well true, kind of.
They are both entitled to 50% of assets.
She might not be entitled to any of his pension if hers equals his, or he might be entitled to some of hers if hers is higher.
That's what mediators (or solicitors/courts) sort out.
He might be able to buy her out with his share of the assets if they have savings to split.

Don't wait a year OP.... he won't stay amicable.... and you are in a very vulnerable position now he knows you are serious about the split. Give your kids a timeline to remove their stuff, and find a way to ensure you can stay safe. Do you have a friend you can stay with temporarily? Definitely see a solicitor ASAP ... and contact womens aid for advice. The more people who know your intentions the better. Very best of luck OP....

But this is all actually your money he has hidden from you - and you are comfortable allowing him to use your money to buy you out?

You need a lawyer and forensic accountant asap. Hopefully he has squirrelled away and invested tons of cash which will be uncovered and come back to you.

It’s brilliant that you have decided to leave and told people about it. Just take an action each day to inch you along on the journey.

I would not start with him buying you out as he will obstruct and frustrate this process just to punish you.

See a solicitor and get the house on the market. Wait for market offers and he can then match that within a timeframe if he wants to stay. Next summer is too far away. Get the ball rolling. The house is fine to sell as it is.

Agree with others your aim for it to be amicable is unrealistic and will backfire on you.

Hes an inherently abusive man. He will aim to punish and control you throughout this process like he has to date - but he’s not above the law - and if you have an excellent lawyer and WA they have seen the shenanigans of these characters time and time again and are way ahead of their manoeuvres.

Rooting for you. Get everything locked and loaded before you tell him.

If you don’t know about the household assets or finances, please get a solicitor.

It’s great that you’ve started taking control of your life and future, and are feeling lighter already!

You need to hold onto that feeling and continue to put yourself first. You want him to buy you out? He pays market value. Stop thinking about what he needs ie local amenities, whatever, that’s for him to work out, not you. Remind yourself why you are divorcing him … he hasn’t been kind to you, he doesn’t deserve any consideration from you.

Definitely seek advice from a solicitor. Do find out as much as you can about his assets. Do make sure you have your own, separate bank account if you don’t already have one. Do encourage your children to clear out their belongings sooner rather than later.

See a solicitor say you want half equity from house and to pension share. You are effectively asking for your half of assets. I told my exh to speak to my solicitor when he kept asking me things. I told exh I would only speak to him directly about DC. Solicitor was instructed to deal with a fair split of assets. Your DC are old enough to set aside some time to clear their rooms. You don't have to think of what would be best for your stbexh he's an adult and can do that for himself.

Any savings or investments will need to be split 50/50 it doesn't matter who bought them.

Absolutely this. I strongly urge you to take the advice of others. It is very, very unlikely that he will treat you with respect, dignity or any shade of amicable behaviour once he knows you are on the way out.

A former colleague's sister was in a similar position. Her OH changed the locks, smeared her name to all who listened, blocked banking access and told their grandchildren that granny was dead. She had to involve Police to get her possessions (even just clothes and books) and one of the adult children fully believed his version of "truth" which was that his soon to be ex-wife of 28 years had been "diagnosed with dementia" and "lacked capacity". It was awful. Please do get out, but please do not believe that he will be in any way nice or decent. Make sure you've got copies of everything essential in terms of paperwork (car and driving docs, passports, bank detail, pensions information, everything) before you do anything.

Very best wishes to you. x