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Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to little brother’s wedding?

93 replies

Sausagefeatures · Yesterday 11:19

I really don’t like weddings and I’ve found myself at the centre of a situation that is one of my reasons for disliking them 😂 I do love joy and love and celebrations, just not this side of weddings.

For context: I have two much older siblings, our mum remarried and had me. Their dad remarried and had a son a few years younger than me. My mum looked after the son (all day mon-fri) from being a baby, we grew up together and I’ve always considered him my little brother regardless of there being no blood relation. Our shared elder brother had a daughter quite young so me, little brother, and niece, grew up together.
Fast forward to now, little brother is getting married.
The family what’s app group got a ‘save the date’ notification last year for the wedding.
There is a Facebook group for everyone else without much information or many updates.

I didn’t get an invite but they have seemed so laid back that I didn’t think much of it.
Friends of his fiance start tagging them in photos of the hand made invitations they’ve received, still didn’t think much of it and thought maybe it was too much to make invitations for family since it’s a given that family are invited and we’ve got the family groups for the info.

Date is getting closer so asked little brother what time he wants us there and where - I have small children, one is a baby who’s sleep pattern is delicate at the moment so I need to plan and was kind of hoping to do the important bit of the ceremony and meal, then leave for bedtime.

But we’re only invited to the evening, not even properly invited but just the Facebook group information.
Elder siblings both invited all day and received invitations.
Spoke to niece who is the same boat, only had the Facebook info to go on.
Messaged fiancé to check and made it a ‘just want to check because you know what (little brother) is like, he says you want us at such and such a time, is that right?’ kind of message and she confirmed.

AIBU to think I don’t want the hassle if I’m not wanted for the main bit? We’d need new clothes too since nothing fits postpartum and my children grow like weeds so they’d need something to wear.
I’d guess we’d have to get them a gift too, I’ve never been to an evening only (actually didn’t think anyone did that anymore because of these kind of hurt feelings) so I don’t know the etiquette.

Then at the do I’d just feel like the spare sibling that doesn’t really belong when the others get there after the ceremony, meal, speeches, etc. This is where I might be being unreasonable because it’s a bit of a touchy thing for me at moment with family dynamics so my hurt feelings might be exaggerated by wider family issues.

Also wasn’t invited on the hen do.
I don’t think I’ve upset her/them since I’ve been messaging her about birthday party planning/invitations and sorting out their children coming to our children’s birthdays.

Niece has children the same age as me so we’re a little tempted to do something fun all together instead!

OP posts:
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likeitshard · Today 12:09

I’d be hurt by this it’s like you are not quite good enough to be considered close family.
i also wouldn’t want to go to a evening do with young kids. I’d probably get a babysitter and go for a few hours. Evening guests don’t typically get dressed up like day guests so you could potentially get away with something simple to wear. I tend to gift £30 for a evening invite but would give more if invited for the whole day

Aiming4Optimistic · Today 12:08

Nah, money saved on new outfits is money I could spend on stuff for my own family/fun. I wouldn't buy a wedding present in those circumstances.

Missingducks · Today 11:56

I was the only cousin at a wedding yesterday - the others all sent apologies (mainly due to childcare) and no-one was offended. Enjoy a day with niece and your children and raise a glass to the happy couple from your picnic. Money saved on new clothes can make up their small wedding gift.

TheOnlyWayIsIlford · Today 11:55

That all sounds very hurtful.

Are the older brothers any blood connection? Has he delineated invitations to a small guest list by blood?

No matter - it could be an explanation but it doesn't make it less hurtful.

Hold your dignity - say 'oh, didn't appreciate the timings - the evening doesn't work for me + baby so need to send our apologies, but have a wonderful time, lots of love XXX', send lovely Congrats card and a modest present.

And have a lovely fun day out instead.

Aiming4Optimistic · Today 11:54

Then maybe it's worth having g a conversation directly with him about this, rather than let it fester. You don't really have anything to lose at this point because the damage is done. Take the bride out of the equation and just talk to him.
Try to keep it non accusatory (he'll be on the defensive if you criticise the bride). Tbh it sounds like his marriage has the potential to go pear shaped in the long run if he's only doing it because she's threatened to leave him if he doesn't, and he's shown no interest in it!

Bristolandlazy · Today 11:50

A close friend of mine did similar, I was invited to the church and the evening do , not the wedding breakfast. I went but afterwards regretted and wished I didn't bother.
This is truly insulting, I wouldn't go if I were you.

Original poster
Sausagefeatures · Today 11:46

ScallopShelled · Yesterday 17:16

But only on Mn do people seem to get their knickers in a twist about featuring lower down on someone else’s personal hierarchy than they would place them on theirs. It would be nice if the person you considered no 4 on your family hierarchy also considered you number 4, but pretty unlikely to happen all the time. The OP is quite possibly less important to this person that he is to her. She refers to him as ‘little brother’, but it may be a complete surprise to him that she thinks of him this way, even if they broadly get on well. Itt’s a comp,icated extended family, and sounds more ‘cousinish’ in a nice way to me. They don’t see one another often. The OP thinks this is because they have young kids, but it’s also possible that this isn’t the case — he just sees other family members he’s closer to. Or he sees blood as more important than she does? Which, sure, may make the OP think again about their relationship, and prioritise seeing him more if he’s really important to her.

Show quote history

No he’s often referred to me or introduced me as his sister or ‘not sister sister’. We always make daft jokes about explaining the relationship to people since they find it so confusing.
Regarding not seeing each other often, we joke about that too and he’ll talk about wanting to see more of his “actual family” definitely referring to us in the context of the conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sausagefeatures · Today 11:39

NoCommentingFromNowOn · Yesterday 16:20

Ouch. Sounds like from his point of view, you’re ’extended family’ but from your point of view, you’re all ‘family’. Your mum seems to have given a lot to her ex after they split which is admirable, but did she get anything in return? Was she considered to be ‘the woman who looks after our child’? And she saw it as ‘looking after our family’?

This is where I might be being unreasonable because it’s a bit of a touchy thing for me at moment with family dynamics so my hurt feelings might be exaggerated by wider family issues.

Are these affecting this non-invite do you think?

We all do Christmas things together

Not this year you don’t!

I would be unbelievably hurt by this. I’d rather sit on a beach in the rain by myself than attend ☹️. But if you get to have a nice day with your niece and children, then do so. And yes, post it on Facebook but don’t tag the bride and groom. Tag someone else like ‘hey we finally were able to visit this drainpipe we always wanted to see’ or whatever.

I hate this saying, but I do admit it comes in very handy sometimes - ‘when people tell you who they are, believe them’.

the dynamic situation is actually on the other side so can’t have impacted this decision 😂 I just wonder if I’m already feeling a bit sensitive so have read too much into it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sausagefeatures · Today 11:37

BitterTits · Today 09:23

I have a similar family set up, OP, and understand second families who aren't actually blood relatives viewing one another as siblings. Even at a very small wedding, all have been included.

I wouldn't go in this situation and I don't even think I'd be inclined to respond to such a casual invitation.

Hen parties - I wasn't invited to my SIL's on DH's side but was invited to both my SIL's on my side. There's no hard and fast rule but it is indicative of the bride's attitude towards you I think.

Yes thank you that’s how it feels. Even if it had been in their nearest town I wouldn’t really have thought anything of it but since it was in mine and I didn’t even cross her mind, it does show where I stand.

OP posts:
Aiming4Optimistic · Today 10:59

It takes two people to nurture a relationship though @ScallopShelled
If the party was around the corner and it was no bother to attend, then she could pop by. By if it's difficult to get there and expensive, the fact that she isn't valued enough by the groom for him to invite her to the actual wedding, means that it's not worth making tons of effort for.
I don't think it will cause a massive falling out - she just needs to politely say it's not possible due to kids/logistics and she hopes they have a nice day. What can the groom say? He didn't even properly invite her to the evening do.
It's just making a reciprocal amount of effort, not causing a massive row.

rainbowstardrops · Today 09:54

I’d be really hurt by that too. It’s not practical to take the children just to the evening do, so you and the niece should either go together without any children, or just do your own thing together instead.

ScallopShelled · Today 09:54

Aiming4Optimistic · Yesterday 17:29

@ScallopShelledit's sad to have that realisation of not being as important to someone you love, as they are to you. Having learnt this though, the OP shouldn't twist herself into knots to attend a 'wedding' or worry about keeping the peace. She should match his energy and focus on the people who really do view her as family.

I’m not denying it’s sad to discover you’re less important to someone than they are to you. But if the OP values the relationship as she says, surely it’s worth nurturing, whether or not the groom regards her reciprocally as his ‘big sister’? The logic of ‘This man is my brother!’, ‘Oh, he didn’t invite me to all of his wedding!’, ‘I will now not attend any of the wedding, and cause a permanent breach!’ makes no sense to me. If the OP has young children and a challenging baby and would have had to buy new outfits all round, far easier to just go to the evening part herself.

thereisnomeaning · Today 09:38

I wouldn't go myself. The expense and logistics aren't worth it and I wouldn't feel I need to make the effort if just invited to the after party. I'm clearly not that important to have there if that's all they feel they need to invite me to.

WinterSunglasses · Today 09:27

Aiming4Optimistic · Yesterday 17:29

@ScallopShelledit's sad to have that realisation of not being as important to someone you love, as they are to you. Having learnt this though, the OP shouldn't twist herself into knots to attend a 'wedding' or worry about keeping the peace. She should match his energy and focus on the people who really do view her as family.

This. The groom ought to have worked this out and protected a childhood relationship. As ever the man gets excused and the woman is told to overlook it, put herself out and 'be kind'

BitterTits · Today 09:23

I have a similar family set up, OP, and understand second families who aren't actually blood relatives viewing one another as siblings. Even at a very small wedding, all have been included.

I wouldn't go in this situation and I don't even think I'd be inclined to respond to such a casual invitation.

Hen parties - I wasn't invited to my SIL's on DH's side but was invited to both my SIL's on my side. There's no hard and fast rule but it is indicative of the bride's attitude towards you I think.

Dancingonlies · Today 08:48

I would be horribly hurt and I would go and be nice. I was devastated by some choices my sibling made in relation to their wedding but I let it go. They had no idea and were just being daft not intentionally hurtful. Focus on the big picture and ongoing relationships.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · Today 08:44

On hen dos - my brother got married last year, my mum and I were both invited to the hen and men on the bride’s side were invited to the stag.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · Today 08:42

If the bride is the one pushing for the wedding and potentially doing all the legwork, she may not understand the family dynamics and he may just be keeping out of it, if he didn’t even want a wedding.

Could you and your niece just go without partner/kids for a couple of hours in the evening and then go do your own thing?

ScallopShelled · Today 08:30

Sausagefeatures · Today 08:27

In my experience the groom’s female family members are always invited on the hen do. Even if they can’t go, the done thing is to invite them in the spirit of the two families/two sides coming together. I don’t think I’ve been to a hen do that hasn’t incorporated the grooms side in some way. I wouldn’t have expected a proper invite but considering it was so close, letting me know I could join them for a drink or two would have been good manners.

Show quote history

I must have been to dozens of hen parties in different countries down the years. Not one has involved the groom’s female family members, unless they were also close friends of the bride’s.

ScallopShelled · Today 08:29

ApplePieCinamon · Yesterday 23:59

The irony is that you’re sitting and wondering what to do not to upset them BUT they clearly didn’t spend a second thinking about your feelings. A very publicly humiliating thing to do op. I would definitely not go. Stand up for yourself here - don’t accept being treated so badly. You don’t need to make a big deal, just decline. Be uncontactable if you want but you really don’t need to explain yourself. They clearly didn’t!

For all we know, the groom has no idea that OP thinks of him as a full sibling, and was expecting an all-day invitation!

Original poster
Sausagefeatures · Today 08:27

ScallopShelled · Yesterday 23:56

But the hen party is for the bride’s family and friends — why would she invite you, unless you’re separately also friends with her, aside from your relationship to the groom?

Show quote history

In my experience the groom’s female family members are always invited on the hen do. Even if they can’t go, the done thing is to invite them in the spirit of the two families/two sides coming together. I don’t think I’ve been to a hen do that hasn’t incorporated the grooms side in some way. I wouldn’t have expected a proper invite but considering it was so close, letting me know I could join them for a drink or two would have been good manners.

OP posts:
Everybodysinthehousetonight · Today 08:24

No I wouldn't go given the relationship dynamic you have explained.

Genuineweddingone · Today 08:20

Oh op that is very hurtful. I had similar a few years ago whereby my brother and now wife sent my invite to my mothers house. I have never lived in that house and in fact had owned my own home 20 years at this point where they had both been to many times but that was the first insult. I actually have never seen the invite just was told it was there for me and my son. I was excited to go initially and queried why my partner had not been invited and was told they do not know him (they had chosen not to speak to me over something ridiculous a few years before which is why they never met him) and while that in itself would have been fine 3 days before the wedding they studiously ignored me in our mothers home. Also me and my son were excluded from a family meal that they were all going to and discussing in front of us and we were not invited although literally driving past the place. I have never felt so much hurt in my life and did not believe they wanted us at the wedding so I chose to show my son that you do not go to things just because someone is blood if they have no respect for you. It would have been humiliating for me and horrible for my son to witness. Naturally I became the villain not turning up but you just do not go places you are not respected. It is hard to know you are so far down the family pecking order but for your own sanity stay away and do not let them abuse you like this. It is a horrible horrible feeling you have my empathy x

Mandarinclementine · Today 02:44

Often the hen party is bride’s family and friends only. Unless you’re close to the bride I wouldn’t have necessarily expected an invitation.

ApplePieCinamon · Yesterday 23:59

The irony is that you’re sitting and wondering what to do not to upset them BUT they clearly didn’t spend a second thinking about your feelings. A very publicly humiliating thing to do op. I would definitely not go. Stand up for yourself here - don’t accept being treated so badly. You don’t need to make a big deal, just decline. Be uncontactable if you want but you really don’t need to explain yourself. They clearly didn’t!