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Original poster

SIL doesn't want kids

69 replies

piliton · 06/08/2026 12:12

My SIL married BIL recently and BIL wants kids and she doesn't.

All came to light after the wedding. She was speaking to me saying she thinks she may change her mind in the future. She doesn't have this wave of love and nurture for a child and isn't drawn to children. She thinks she may wake up feel different one day.

Has this been the case for any of you? Did you not want kids then suddenly change your mind one day and feel this huge maternal connection?

I guess their relationship is hanging on one of them changing their minds. They're 28

OP posts:
caringcarer · 06/08/2026 12:20

This should have been discussed before a wedding. My bil wanted DC but his wife did not. She told him so before they got married. He thought she'd change her mind. After about 7 years they split up because of it. He's now remarried with 2 DC.

theemmadilemma · 06/08/2026 12:23

Why the fuck didn't they discuss this before?

I (childfree by choice) can point you towards thousands of woman who did not change their mind or find that sudden urge, and substaintually less that did.

HermioneWeasley · 06/08/2026 12:27

What on earth do people discuss when talking about making a life together if not having children.

i never wanted children. I’ve never had a biological urge or a maternal instinct in my life.

CurdinHenry · 06/08/2026 12:28

Men often say they want kids because they've never thought about what having kids actually entails. He may well change his mind.

PollyBell · 06/08/2026 12:29

And this didn't come up before the wedding?

Original poster
piliton · 06/08/2026 12:36

it seems like she changed her mind right after the wedding because over the wedding I asked her how many kids she wants and she said two.

OP posts:
KimWexlersPonyTail · 06/08/2026 12:38

caringcarer · 06/08/2026 12:20

This should have been discussed before a wedding. My bil wanted DC but his wife did not. She told him so before they got married. He thought she'd change her mind. After about 7 years they split up because of it. He's now remarried with 2 DC.

This was exactly my scenario, he thought I would change my mind. Never regretted it.

Maddy70 · 06/08/2026 12:40

What does this have to do with you?

She is likely to have said this numerous times and bil has thought she would change her mind

MrsKeats · 06/08/2026 12:42

How is this your business?

Cherrytree86 · 06/08/2026 12:43

This is your business how? @piliton

W0tnow · 06/08/2026 12:44

I think a lot of people feel neutral at best about other people’s kids. Most of us only understand the phrase “it’s different when they’re yours”, after we have them.

APurpleSquirrel · 06/08/2026 12:46

Actually I never wanted kids. Wasn’t drawn to them at all; babies held no appeal & I never wanted to hold or coo over them when friends showed me their siblings or kids. I was pretty up front about it with DH & even though he wanted kids he was happy either way - as in he wasn’t desperate for them.
We now have two DC. For me it was gradual. We married at 25 (got together at 19), & had a few friends getting married & having kids at a similar time. Gradually we became involved in those children’s lives & I started to come round to the idea a bit.
Then my mum got really ill & everything was put on hold for 4+ years whilst I was dealing with that. Sadly she passed away & id say that was the moment I realised I might actually want kids. We had DD 2 years later when I felt more ready to focus on a child.
So yes, you can change your mind but both partners need to be on board with it.

Pedant61 · 06/08/2026 12:47

This is for the couple concerned to sort out. It's perfectly normal to not want children.
Whereas it's unforgivable to ask anyone about their plans for future children (or not). Just stop discussing it, OP - with anyone.

Teainapinkcup · 06/08/2026 12:48

piliton · 06/08/2026 12:36

it seems like she changed her mind right after the wedding because over the wedding I asked her how many kids she wants and she said two.

so do you think she was lying to get past the wedding hoping to buy time as she wanted to get the marriage in place before dropping that news on him/you all?

YouSawBrigadoon · 06/08/2026 12:48

We were both on the same page, which was we weren’t particularly bothered about having kids. The. At some point, we thought we probably should. Neither had a great longing to have them though

SusanJJ · 06/08/2026 12:48

I know several women who changed their minds in their thirties.
Presumably SIL has already discussed this with her DH since she told you about it.

orangehandles · 06/08/2026 12:49

I didn't want kids and it took many years before I eventually decided to give it a go. Never was maternal, didn't play with dolls as a child, never interested in other people's babies and would avoid cuddling them like the plague, never enjoyed the company of children, etc.

My maternal instincts only really kicked in when I was actually pregnant myself.

Mum2Fergus · 06/08/2026 12:49

What’s it to you?

Original poster
piliton · 06/08/2026 12:50

i'm not asking because it's my business and I'm going to do anything with the information, I'm asking because I'm interested and curious if people change their mind on this matter.

I think she changed her mind after the wedding because it went from being an idea in the future to an actual reality. But that's just my theory.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 06/08/2026 12:52

piliton · 06/08/2026 12:36

it seems like she changed her mind right after the wedding because over the wedding I asked her how many kids she wants and she said two.

Better response than mind your own fucking business I suppose

Gardenflowering · 06/08/2026 12:52

OP I get that you are asking a question for discussion, not because you are involving yourself.
So up until 30 I did not want children, had zero interest in them, was too busy having a lovely life with my dp.
Then we kinda decided to get married, bought our reno house and got on with life.

For some inexplicable reason I decided that it wasn’t a deplorable idea to maybe try to see what happens if we don’t not try.
Anyway, we couldn’t which changed the situation completely. I’d come round to the idea as well.

Imicola · 06/08/2026 12:52

Yes i changed my mind. Never felt the mothering instinct or any biological urge, but eventually decided I would like to have one.

Original poster
piliton · 06/08/2026 12:53

@Hoppinggreen it was a conversation and she asked me first. I didn't find it too intrusive

OP posts:
Boreded · 06/08/2026 12:53

So she wanted a marriage and thought she could just pretend to want them until afterwards 🤷‍♀️ sounds like a bit of a dick, taking your BILs choices away from him

WallaceinAnderland · 06/08/2026 12:55

Weird question to ask someone on their wedding day. If people are going on at her about it, I can see how it's easier to just say she's not having kids, just to shut everyone up.

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