SIL doesn't want kids

I didn’t want kids until me early 30s, combination of not meeting the right man and still recovering from emotional fallout of SA. I was also having a lot of fun as a child-free adult chasing a big career and living in London!

And then cheesily, I fell in love with dh and I felt myself change - I wanted it all - the suburban house, the kids, the family life.

So was that age or relationship? I don’t know.

But I knew dh was the right man to be the dad to my kids (I was right, he is perfect)

The better question @Mum2Fergus is what’s it to you?
the op is concerned about her brother, this is entirely natural. You’re the one being rude to strangers online

I also changed my mind. At 28 I was a definite no. But I was with the wrong person. Split up (for
other reasons).

Met DH in early 30’s and had DC. Meeting him started some biological hormone shitstorm I’d never experienced. 😄

My SIL changed her mind the other way - apparently, they agreed to have children and then she decided that she wasn't bothered and that her DH wouldn't make wouldn't pull his weight as a parent. They've stayed together and IMO, her assessment of her DH was correct! He's a nice person but self-centred, he'd need to change alot to be a good Dad.

They'll have to work it out, and it could spell the end of the relationship, who knows. Just keep out of it.

I think it's also normal to change your mind on how many kids. I mean you don't know how you'll find pregnancy and birth.

I didn't want kids.

We discussed it before the wedding and DH was adamant he did. Though I didn't want kids, a life with DH was more important. I agreed we would have 1. DH was adamant on 2, we agreed on 1 and we'll see.

We decided to start trying at a point where it seemed we were settled etc, money in the bank, bought a house etc. Basically no excuse not to. I still didn't want kids, had no biological urge or desire to have them.

We now have 2, as DC2 was a very big surprise accidental pregnancy and I couldn't go through with the abortion.

I love them with my whole heart, and they are my world. But my life would be equally fulfilling and probably happier without them

My mum definitely didn't want kids and my dad married her knowing and accepting that. I don't think he had strong feelings either way tbh - he loved my mum and wanted to be married to her regardless.
Then one day she visited her friend, who had just had a baby. She held it to be polite and her feelings totally changed in that moment. She went on to have 4 kids. She and my dad were the best parents ever. So it's possible for people who feel strongly to change their minds and to end up as fantastic parents.
But, no one should get married if they are not willing to accept their partner's current position, and be able to truly live with it, because for every person who changes their mind, there will likely be more who don't.
And no one should get married without talking this through first.

I think I've always wanted children but at 28 (when as it happens I was just about to get married), I was probably less determined, it was a 'yes one day probably' rather than 'yes definitely, let's make a plan immediately).

By 30 I was 100% sure, unfortunately that relationship had failed so didn't meet now DH till 35, and it took me till 40 to conceive.

If she's already saying she can see herself changing her mind, it sounds like she's more saying 'I'm currently not interested, but not ruling it out in future'. She's just had her wedding, maybe she wants to chill and enjoy married life for a few years without everyone pushing her to start popping out babies!

OP already answered this, “it seems like she changed her mind right after the wedding because over the wedding I asked her how many kids she wants and she said two.“

Did you not want kids then suddenly change your mind one day and feel this huge maternal connection?

I never wanted children.

But I did one day decide, actually, I'd quite like a child. Then one became two. But I never suddenly felt a 'huge maternal connection' that you describe, OP.

Putting it that way it sounds a bit like I woke up one morning and thought 'Oh I fancy scones for breakfast.' But that's sort of how it happened...

I still don't have huge waves of love and nurture toward children. Obviously my own kids are different, and my niece and nephew to an extent as well...but I still mostly look at other peoples children and go 'eurgh.'

It probably says a lot about me, and I'm sure MN think I'm probably a terrible person but when I see babies or toddlers out and about I mostly just ignore them. They hold no interest to me. If colleagues bring their babies to work, I literally could not care less.

A puppy on the other hand...yes. And that has been the case since I was a child 😃

It's possible they discussed it in detail.
I didn't feel I could ever marry or have children....because of early childhood trauma over loosing my brother, who died when he was 10 months old when I was just under 3 years old.

But I found my person and healed over the first few years of marriage. My OH was happy either way, and said we'd navigate things together.
This could be the case for them.... One never knows.

But I’m assuming one of her questions wasn’t ’On the Internet, what percentage of people change their minds about wanting to stay childfree? Will you ask a big forum and report back?’

Yes I did, I never wanted them and then around age 30 I suddenly did. I have one DD and it was the best decision.

I personally always knew i wanted children, never doubted it. But i know a lot of people who were ambivalent or didn't want them in their 20's and by the time they got to late 30's/ 40 had changed their mind. So yes I think it is possible

Err, why have they not had this important conversation BEFORE they got married? What do people talk about in the dating or "partner" stage if not about their expectations and ambitions around family life, finances, etc.? I don't get it...

No, why did you ask her, during her wedding, how many children she wanted? And then another conversation about having children happened again since, and the wedding was only recently?

You sound terribly invested in what she does with her ovaries.

I'm 38 and do not want kids - I've never wanted them. I wouldn't mind teenaged kids or grown up adult children, but absolutely no way I'd be willing to go through the first 13 years of younger kids stage to get there.

I was waiting for the thunderbolt to hit as people told me I'd reach a certain age and change my mind - but it never has. I'm fine with it.

I don't like other peoples kids. don't even like my nephews

The one thing you can't compromise on. Sure if he wanted one and she wanted three, they could compromise on two. But a yes/no? It is true many women (and men) change their minds, but a lot don't, so they really should get counselling on this.

I'm childfree, in my forties now and literally nothing at all about gestating, birthing or raising a person every held any appeal. Not once have I thought 'Y'know what would make this better? A kid.'

Anyone questioning me about it gets short shrift. It's the biggest lifestyle choice you can choose, so a bit weird to enter a marriage wanting a diametrically opposed life to the spouse.

I changed my mind. If you'd asked me at age 28 I would of said a hard no.

Even as a younger person I never felt drawn to children and I didn't feel maternal at all. When I started dating the guy who eventually became my husband - we were both of the same mind that we wouldn't have kids.

Much much later I guess maternal clock started ticking... it was initially my husbands idea to have children - but by then I was more open to the idea anyway - and we then decided we'd try. For me it was literally like a switch had flicked inside me and I then wanted to be pregnant - like immediately! LOL

We ended up with two kids by the time I was 36.