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Original poster

Could my husband’s recent behaviour point to dementia or something else?

58 replies

BlueJellycat · 23/07/2026 09:06

I'm getting fed up with husbands total lack of empathy. He has been like this for years but recently he is getting even more insular and selfish.

So for example he is OK but we but we don't do things together any more and that has creeped into lack of communication. He has sent ds into school with no uniform and insisted he didn't. I had to email school who confirmed ds went in non uniform. This was three days in a row. No thoughts of washing uniform or informing me.

He has ignored getting the dry washing in off the line and has left it for days ( new behaviour). Stopped engaging in buying weekly food ( new behaviour). And therefore sometimes theres no food. I have just gone back to work after being disabled ds carer for 11 years.

I have told him he has to step up, not down or I will have to resign. He agrees. Gets worse. He found me the job and wanted me to take it. I'm still struggling with my carers role and as above ds isn't being cared for.

I told dh that ds hears voices that tell him to do bad things. No reaction. No questions. No follow up conversation.

there's no discussion on dinner unless I initiate it. All of this week we haven't eaten together. He hasn't commented on that. Just been busy so dd has had beans on toast, ive had toast. He has had nothing. Normally we discus dinner every evening. When i didnt chase, family meals stopped.

all communication starts via me. Unless i ask whats for dinner, please get the washing in etc nothing happens. He hasnt moved the washing basket back to bathroom. Just leaves his clothes on the landing.

We had a chat and i said i wasnt sure i was happy in our marriage. He didnt comment at all.

He been not been able to get an errection for over two years. In all of that time he has been to the Dr's once. That was a year ago. The last time we had sex in April I told him to go the gp again. He didn't. Lots of excuses. He is so busy, we are bust, life is busy.

Now I honest think he has started to show signs of dementia. He keeps on saying he will try to engage more but in the last two weeks he has got worse. He dresses himself. Feeds himself and forgets there are school age children he normally cares for.

I told him this last night. Again no response. He is totally blank. He didn't seem worried at all.

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OneFunGreyFish · 06/08/2026 05:57

That's awful. And you're right to be concerned. Again you can't really get him to change if you have already floated something as serious as divorce and he still won't get an mental health assessment. I really don't know what else you can do apart from try to quiet quit the marriage until you can properly leave. Yeah not taking you about a massive sleepover is crazy. Does he have other symptoms such as lack of sleep, neglecting self care such as showering less?

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 06/08/2026 09:38

He's never been great with personal hygiene. I have told tod him to get booked into a dentist as he hasn't been in 26 years. His breath is horrendous buy there's a multitude of excuses. I'm surprised no one has taken him aside at work as he rarely brushes his teeth.

I think all I can do is mentally check out. Which is what I have been trying to do but things like the sleepover really rile me up and I can't ignore those things as it's my home, my personal space and I'm not deemed to be relevant even though he isn't here and I'm the one sorting it right now

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HisCrapatheticIntentions · 06/08/2026 10:43

He sounds horrendous, and also very familiar. If you ever find out if there's an underlying cause please do report back here. I keep sending my husband to the GP as it feels like there is something medical going on. But perhaps they're both just shits?

The cost of living crisis/aftermath of Tory misrule traps me here for now, with little chance of escape in the mid-term due to the additional time/money costs of our children's particular needs. I keep trying to talk with him to no avail but he is incredibly avoidant and dismissive, and thinks his apparently good intentions somehow nullify his crap behaviour and the outcomes that create so much extra work for me.

I'm seeing a therapist but it's somehow making everything even harder to tolerate and I'm feeling completely burnt out at the moment. I have very clear boundaries with my husband around a number of areas which are as strictly adhered to as I can but it's like he keeps forgetting they are there. I'm basically refusing to make things right after he messes up, he's supposed to deal with the aftermath himself. But he somehow always finds a way to not deal with things - be it urgent work, seemingly forgetting all about it, asking the children to do things, or just leaving it for a later that never comes. I'm at the point where I despise him, and dream of a lottery win.

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 06/08/2026 11:03

@HisCrapatheticIntentions you sound very similar to me. Pm me if you want to chat. If there is anything wrong it will only come to light in a medical emergency I think. Like a medical crisis. I'm going to ask his mum if he has had any meaningful convo with her today and maybe broach this with her.

Maybe he has got autism or adhd like the kids as I here that gets worse with age.

He is a trades man but also does trade work in the house. The sink is tempting onto the patio. So now there's food waste. He earns very little but I have to pay a handyman over twice what he earns if not 4 times.

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HisCrapatheticIntentions · 06/08/2026 11:07

To add, my husband is definitely autistic and has high demand avoidance and poor executive function. He's also incredibly low on empathy. He used to at least put a little effort in to work round his difficulties, but since I was first pregnant he has got worse and worse. The last couple of years have really been horrific. Also coinciding with me studying for an additional qualification...

There is definitely an undercurrent of misogyny there. He denies this but it is too obvious to ignore. I think there is an element of Madonna-Whore type of thinking that looks more like wife=(his)mother, but primarily he respects men but not women, and certainly shows me no respect.

Fundamentally he is a barely functioning human being who gives all his efforts to work and brings his husk home, and he sees nothing wrong with this. He has no friends, hobbies, thoughts, dreams, or drive and seems perfectly happy for things to stay as they are indefinitely.

If there is an element of depression he denies it, and he would not seek treatment or do anything to improve it. He's a ghost in his own life. I understand how awful it is to live like this and you have my sympathy.

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 06/08/2026 12:27

Dh has no dreams, ambition, hobbies or friends. But he used to be engaged with me. Or at least I thought he was. Maybe he wasn't really. It's hard to think back to that as it's been so long. I'd never look at him twice if I met him today. We have zero in common. He has no depth to him either. No deep thoughts or musings.

His mum.said to him earlier on in the week that he wasn't ambitious as a teen or young man and he got indignant. But he has no qualifications at all and only had minium wage jobs. He now has been in the same job at the same grade for over 30 years and been passed over for promotion 4 times. Someone who wasn't even doing his job for two years got promoted over him. So then you wonder if it's insight or awareness.

We have a nice house. Because I'm a graduate and worked in IT for two decades, got a redundancy package and my parents inheritance.

He hasn't worked for his life. I don't think he can even realise that?

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Original poster
BlueJellycat · Yesterday 08:58

I was more conscious of what he said to me last night and my replies. Because I didn't start any conversations and only gave closed responses. He asked me if I wanted a cup of tea and told me he going to buy a ready meal for dinner. We normally talk about what's for dinner but maybe I always initiate that?

I asked his mum if she thought he was taking part in conversations with her and talking to her. I could tell she was feeling defensive of him and wouldn't reply to any questions about his cognitive ability. But sgsin as I was being quite snd observing, he only gave her one word answers and didn't start any conversations with her either. I made myself scarce so he could entertain snd interact with her. From what I could see he did neither.

She was saying to his brother on the phone that she was hoping dh would spend some quality time with her ( he is working every day that she is here) so let's see if he is around and present at the weekend.

So I can't get him to see a GP. He has no friends and his family never see him. His mum is over for a week from abroad and we only see her once every few years. She won't comment on his inability to converse eith her. So that's it I guess. When you have a tiny world who would notice if your in cognitive decline?

So many things are in hs name and password protected that he won't share the details of either me. I really need to concentrate on getting those details off of him asap

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Original poster
BlueJellycat · Yesterday 09:10

I have also just realised that not once did he ask how the sleepover for 8 he arranged went. I did leave everything for him to clear up. The living room where they slept remains untouched which I will not touch

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