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Original poster

Could my husband’s recent behaviour point to dementia or something else?

58 replies

BlueJellycat · 23/07/2026 09:06

I'm getting fed up with husbands total lack of empathy. He has been like this for years but recently he is getting even more insular and selfish.

So for example he is OK but we but we don't do things together any more and that has creeped into lack of communication. He has sent ds into school with no uniform and insisted he didn't. I had to email school who confirmed ds went in non uniform. This was three days in a row. No thoughts of washing uniform or informing me.

He has ignored getting the dry washing in off the line and has left it for days ( new behaviour). Stopped engaging in buying weekly food ( new behaviour). And therefore sometimes theres no food. I have just gone back to work after being disabled ds carer for 11 years.

I have told him he has to step up, not down or I will have to resign. He agrees. Gets worse. He found me the job and wanted me to take it. I'm still struggling with my carers role and as above ds isn't being cared for.

I told dh that ds hears voices that tell him to do bad things. No reaction. No questions. No follow up conversation.

there's no discussion on dinner unless I initiate it. All of this week we haven't eaten together. He hasn't commented on that. Just been busy so dd has had beans on toast, ive had toast. He has had nothing. Normally we discus dinner every evening. When i didnt chase, family meals stopped.

all communication starts via me. Unless i ask whats for dinner, please get the washing in etc nothing happens. He hasnt moved the washing basket back to bathroom. Just leaves his clothes on the landing.

We had a chat and i said i wasnt sure i was happy in our marriage. He didnt comment at all.

He been not been able to get an errection for over two years. In all of that time he has been to the Dr's once. That was a year ago. The last time we had sex in April I told him to go the gp again. He didn't. Lots of excuses. He is so busy, we are bust, life is busy.

Now I honest think he has started to show signs of dementia. He keeps on saying he will try to engage more but in the last two weeks he has got worse. He dresses himself. Feeds himself and forgets there are school age children he normally cares for.

I told him this last night. Again no response. He is totally blank. He didn't seem worried at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueJellycat · 24/07/2026 09:43

GlobalTravellerbutespeciallyBognor · 23/07/2026 21:30

I tried to edit but can’t.

The correct quote - I got this wrong - is that your son hears voices that tell him to do bad things. Not telling him to do bad things to others, as I said. It’s a serious matter so I am trying to be accurate.

I think that you need to stop worrying about your husband for the time being and prioritise reporting your son’s ‘voices’ to the GP (and police depending on what precisely he is telling you).

please would you confirm you will do this?

Show quote history

Yes I'm trying to get the nhs to take my son seriously but .... CAMHS......

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FairKoala · 24/07/2026 16:38

Newsenmum · 23/07/2026 19:36

id talk to the gp about your concerns and they can get him in

Show quote history

GP Won’t talk to you about another person. Tried it with. Now exh.

About a year later he was diagnosed with cancer

FairKoala · 24/07/2026 16:47

I asked dh which schools he thought DS would be suitable for given he h dyslexia and ADHD

Dh complained that he wasn’t going to do anything again because I dismissed all of his suggestions within seconds

I only had to look at the names to know they weren’t appropriate. I pointed out that they were all girls only schools
He didn’t understand that “for Girls” meant For Girls only.

I could tell it wasn’t sinking in.

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 25/07/2026 15:07

Well I sent him the link to this thread. He texted me back to say he would book a appointment but that was the sum of it. No mention of it last night or today. Cc'd him in a email where camhs and socail care said ds voices are normal and wont het involved unless he shows extreme distress and there's been no mention of that either. So ds showing symptoms of schizophrenia evoked zero response.

I can't talk to the gp on his behalf. So that's that.

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Original poster
BlueJellycat · 25/07/2026 15:12

FairKoala · 24/07/2026 16:47

I asked dh which schools he thought DS would be suitable for given he h dyslexia and ADHD

Dh complained that he wasn’t going to do anything again because I dismissed all of his suggestions within seconds

I only had to look at the names to know they weren’t appropriate. I pointed out that they were all girls only schools
He didn’t understand that “for Girls” meant For Girls only.

I could tell it wasn’t sinking in.

It's really hard to say if it's not sinking in or he is choosing to not engage. I did think he was very cold two years ago when his cousin died. Never seemed upset, or said he was sad.

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PocketSand · 25/07/2026 15:52

The thing that stands out is that you have been full time carer for 11 years and recently gone back to work. Your DH might have found you the job but expected that you would continue to provide the same care in addition to working. Hence your child not wearing uniform to school or having proper meals is your ‘fault’.

TBH this sounds more like weaponised incompetence than dementia because it is selective. Work and personal care are fine but shared domestic chores are beyond him.

And now you are running around focusing on him when you really should be focusing on your disabled son.

Has this change in behaviour coincided with you going back to work?

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 25/07/2026 16:13

No he has been like this for years. Since covid I think he has had a personality transplant. He has got more selfish but thought that was a age / lenght of marriage thing where over years you start taking people for granted.

But this past months he has hot worse. Like walking past the washing left for days. He would normally get it in before it gets dark. Having no food ordered maybe is related to me as I shop or order it. But then not thinking to feed the kids?

I'm mot sure. It's getting to think back as it's become so normal. Then I wonder if he was always just selfish. But he has always got the kids up and into school. So that is new. Taking no interest in serious health concerns of ds is new. Not even asking about the voices seems especially weird.

I'm not sure and there's no one really to talk it through with either

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UnbeatenMum · 25/07/2026 16:17

Go to the GP with him and explain that he's changed personality and/or behaviour. The change from his normal level of cognition, functioning and engagement is a big concern.

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 09:32

Dispite him saying on Friday he would see the gp, nothing is booked. He said he will ring at the end of next week after we come back off holiday. I asked him.to book to see the gp about his ED in April. He isn't going to ring them I'm certain of that.

I think I will keep a diary in case things get worse. His mum is staying with us at the beginning of August so I might mention it to her but she is very difficult person. Dh had the option of booking that week off to see her or booking next week off to go to Devon. We already have a fortnight booked in Spain in August but still booked this over seeing his mum who is getting on and lives in Asia. He hasnt seen her in two years and shows no interest in her either. So has left me to entertain her for the week k owing she has been spectacularly rude to me in the past.

I'd put this all down to him to being selfish and emotionally frigid. But he wasn't always like this. But as it's been getting worse for so long I'm not I can remember when he was last himself? It's become so normal recently.

If it was FTD surely after a few years others would notice? But he has no friends ( never has) and isn't close to his family ( dad brother or mum). He says he has friends at work but they just collegues. He has never been out for drink outside of work events.

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herbalteabag · 26/07/2026 09:47

I am no expert in dementia or anything else, but a few things stand out as being beyond him making a choice not to engage. Especially feeding himself and the school uniform, they should both just be automatic.
Maybe you could try ringing a helpline like a dementia helpline for some advice?

Lightnomore · 26/07/2026 09:53

Could be. The uniform thing is similar to my Mum’s early stage dementia.

Could he be undiagnosed autistic ( especially as you say he’s always had low empathy)? Lots of wives of autistic men say their autistic behaviour gets worse as they age. Some of the behaviour you describe is very reminiscent of autism

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 09:56

Yes I think I will reach out to a helpline. The thing about him ignoring our son hearing voices is also really bizarre. Say he didn't care for ds and there was no love at all. Most people would be interested insharing a house with someone with psychosis or schizophrenia? Or at least intrigued? He has zero interest. He has never once asked me one thing about that.

If I push him.on things like that he denies it. Like I have asked him a million times for his passwords. He tells me I have them. I dont

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Original poster
BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 10:01

Lightnomore · 26/07/2026 09:53

Could be. The uniform thing is similar to my Mum’s early stage dementia.

Could he be undiagnosed autistic ( especially as you say he’s always had low empathy)? Lots of wives of autistic men say their autistic behaviour gets worse as they age. Some of the behaviour you describe is very reminiscent of autism

Yes this is very possible. At least two of our four has Autism. He got very offended like that was offensive. I thought that was upsetting as he clearly sees the kids ASD as something he didn't want to be associated with.

I asked the gp if I can go for right to choose for ASD and Adhd tests as peri is killing my executive functioning too. But I can still cope with dressing and feeding the kids. Eating a evening meal

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Original poster
BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 10:08

Dd is going up to secondary and needs a £37 kilt. Some told me to just buy one. She would be going into school 4 out of five days in jeans.

Also now I work I can't pick dd up. Rather than sit down and talk about how the school run will work, dh just booked leave to pick her up. No discussion at all with me. I asked him.how this is sustainable. No reply. I'm earning less than him.and it's putting his job in jeopardy. No thought process there. I could ask to change my hours - no, easier to ignore that convo.

It's so many multiple things it's making life very hard.

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Original poster
BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 10:36

I took dd to a park to meet friends ten miles from home. Dd said if I took her and went home then dad could come out a few hours later to pick her up. So I stayed close by instead to do two drives rather than 4.. dispite the fact I didn't come home, dh didn't wonder where I was or call me and picked her up anyway. Then I start wondering if maybe this is all my fault?

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bluebeck · 26/07/2026 10:43

I don’t think this sounds like dementia, more like severe depression or he is just a horrible selfish man. You know him best.

What would he say or do if you said you wanted to separate?

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 10:49

I told him I wasn't sure if loved him last week. He said nothing at all. He is still here and it's like nothing was said. I don't feel any connection to him anymore. He seems fine with that.

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Unpaidworkmakestheeconomytick · 26/07/2026 10:58

Sounds to me like he is used to you picking up all the slack and the sudden increase in his parental duties due to you going back to work has completely overwhelmed him. His behaviour is very similar to the father of my grandchildren who has adhd and is dyslexic.
My only advice is to arrange your lives so that it suits and functions well for you and the children and your husband’s needs fit in around that. Make that as drastic as it needs to be.

Hairyfairy01 · 26/07/2026 11:57

He doesn’t sound well. Can you make a gp appointment for him and go to it together? Maybe bullet point your concerns in writing so you can give them to the GP. Has he had any mental health issues previously?

Surelyitscoffeetimenow · 26/07/2026 12:32

@BlueJellycat if it is FTD, my dad was able to mask dementia for, what we think was, years. He'd go through the motions and routine of work etc so on the face of it he appeared normal. He did have a bit of a strange sense of humour so when he'd make strange comments, people would be like ok! The main symptoms were lack of empathy and loss of interest in life, basically. In all honesty, my mum thought he had checked out of the marriage and they were heading for divorce. It was only really when it progressed did she think it was something else. He never had memory problems so people didn't notice. My mum had him back and forth at the doctor and they kept saying it was depression. FTD is really rare so even the doctor didn't know about it and nobody else picked up on his symptoms.

As I say, FTD is really rare and the symptoms do often appear like depression. On balance it's far more likely to be depression than FTD and I only tell you our experience so you can keep it in mind.

OneFunGreyFish · 28/07/2026 02:54

He sounds unhappy, you both do. Life with a disabled child can be gruelling and it sounds like he can do nothing right in your eyes (and probably with good reason, he sounds a bit hopeless). It's a vicious cycle. He could have low T, be depressed, be really unhappy in your marriage and you probably are too. Unless HE wants to change though nothing will change. I would have a really frank conversation with him and just lay it all out.

OneFunGreyFish · 28/07/2026 02:57

BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 10:08

Dd is going up to secondary and needs a £37 kilt. Some told me to just buy one. She would be going into school 4 out of five days in jeans.

Also now I work I can't pick dd up. Rather than sit down and talk about how the school run will work, dh just booked leave to pick her up. No discussion at all with me. I asked him.how this is sustainable. No reply. I'm earning less than him.and it's putting his job in jeopardy. No thought process there. I could ask to change my hours - no, easier to ignore that convo.

It's so many multiple things it's making life very hard.

Look I could sit here and say it's all his fault or yours and just divorce him right? But what does that achieve more than you already know. There is a serious communciation problem between you both, is he afraid of talking to you about things or are you? Do either of you blow up or criticise the other person's thought process or ideas a lot? He is trying to AVOID any communication with you and you need to find out why. Just ask him, point blank say, you are avoiding me and I want to know what's going on.

He is not coping for some reason. But he's got to be a big boy and actually do something about it, you can't save him.

Chalotte · 28/07/2026 03:03

Awful for you, OP. I suggest ringing the Admiral helpline. You can speak for free to an experienced mental health nurse who will talk you through DH's symptoms and suggest what to do. Something is very wrong.

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 06/08/2026 04:24

OneFunGreyFish · 28/07/2026 02:57

Look I could sit here and say it's all his fault or yours and just divorce him right? But what does that achieve more than you already know. There is a serious communciation problem between you both, is he afraid of talking to you about things or are you? Do either of you blow up or criticise the other person's thought process or ideas a lot? He is trying to AVOID any communication with you and you need to find out why. Just ask him, point blank say, you are avoiding me and I want to know what's going on.

He is not coping for some reason. But he's got to be a big boy and actually do something about it, you can't save him.

Edited
Show quote history

I have tried talking to him multiple times. Told him I'm not happy and we can just split up as both miserable and he can't engage enough even to co parent and he insists he doesn't want that. He will change and try harder.

But yesterday I found out one hour before I had 8 girls coming for dd sleepover. I knew there was a sleepover but not for eight. So I got "I thought dd would tell you" "I did tell you this" then " I sorted it with dd so you didn't need to know it's sorted"

He absolutely can not see why I'd need to know. Rather than say sorry I cocked up, yes this is a example of how bad our communication is. It's my fault or dds fault.

I do feel it's a very basic level of communication as is at work tomorrow while I have to clear up after 8 kids. Feed them and there was no room for them in the first place. He hadn't cleared out any room for theirs beds for the sleepover.

So I'm unreasonable in wondering how having 9 kids sleeping in the living room needs to be discussed. It seems these things don't come up in normal conversations. So he seems like he is actively choosing to hold things back from me.

I have asked if we can get divorced but still Co parent and he doesn't want that. Insists he is changing while getting more and more withdrawn from me. His mum is staying ( 15 people in the house sleeping right now) and I haven't seen him converse with her once)

I sent him this link. He didn't read it.

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