Parents and DH are polar opposites

One of the biggest regrets of my marriage is not paying more attention to who my PIL were. We don't click and it causes me sadness regularly. Your PIL are important. And it's important that your spouse gets on with your parents. It sounds dramatic but I would genuinely think carefully about having children with someone who your parents don't get on with. Having your own children one day you'll realise the value of a harmonious extended family.

I'm curious to know what kind of things it was that you considered "fine to live with" but they felt the need to clean immediately?

It feels like your parents are being a bit thoughtless but your husband is being purposefully rude.
Im probably a bit messy and my mum comes to mine and cleans and I find it very insulting. However I know it comes from a good place but I think its horribly deliberately disrespectful to make a mess in someone else's kitchen particularly when it would take seconds to tidy and you know the hosts are clean freaks.
Your parents seem a bit thoughtless at most, your husband is being deliberate.

I'm interested in the fact you think you have chosen someone very different from your parents - but perhaps.DH and DPs aren't that different really. They both seem to have a certain way of doing things- maybe his more impulsive or leaving things till later, theirs more rigid.

What is similar though is that neither of them are thinking about you and what would make your life more pleasant! So that DH and you can move beyond this dynamic, you need to find a shared way of dealing with DPs - bend a little to not upset them, but make it an in joke between you.

Otherwise you risk having to do things DH's way, just as you've always had to do things DPs way. Your emotional comfort matters too.

You don't necessarily have to give examples, but it would be helpful to know in what other ways the dynamic is tricky, at present you've only mentioned tidying/cleaning.

My PIL may as well have a show home, they can't leave any mess lying around or they can't settle, the spare bedroom (that no one stays in or uses) has to be cleaned 3 times a week etc etc. It is completely alien to me, but I am very respectful of their house when I visit and do things the way they like as it is their home, in return they don't pass comment on the state of my house when they visit.

It doesn't sound like your DH has any respect for your parents, and you are making excuses for him, so maybe he doesn't respect you much either, and that is the bigger problem?.. If my DH even accidentally left a mess, I'd remind him to clean it up and he would because even if he thought my parents were OTT he would never want to embarrass me or put me in an awkward position as guests in someone's home.

In what other ways are you stuck in the middle?

I'm very different to my ILs. It doesn't cause any drama, they annoy me sometimes and I'm sure I annoy them too but isn't that just normal family life? People in my birth family annoy each other too but we also love and accept each other. Some of my family are more like my ILs than me.

You say you want to see them more if/when you have kids, but if they're ina different country, how often would that be? You could discuss that with your husband, asking him to be flexible for that length of time.

Re the tea example : His behaviour was inconsiderate, disrespectful & rude. No question.

Rr the cleaning example : Their behaviour was well meaning but thoughtless in thay obviously didn’t think it was likely to be seen as implied criticism.

So your husband has no standards.
I would not be impressed with this if he was my son-in-law.

My parents and DH are different and I am very different to my in laws

we accept the ways of the relevant in law and just get on with it. When DH and his siblings are all together I tend to leave them to it tbh

as I said before - manage the time - shorter trips - neutral venues - pick your battles

and if there is something totally non negotiable - eg my mil decided my DS didn’t need to follow his sleep routine the day she had him and let him sleep all day and then he was awake all night having been pretty much perfect! I had words then as her ideological position did not align with my parenting one - then you make it clear

Home based rules is a good idea and also a huge amount of live and let live. Being different isn't a reason to argue. Is any of it malicious? Is anyone trying to be rude, or hurtful? No. It's just different people being different. Do you think your parents are cleaning with the undertone of "his parents are disgusting, how do they live like this?!" Or are they just cleaning because that's what they do. My mum cleans, my house, hotels, Airbnbs the moment she gets there. She just needs to. Does it affect me? Nope. So shrug and leave them to it.

We don't all have to be the same. People can annoy you. And that's completely fine, you don't get to like and click with and be the same as everyone you meet. There are people in your life you wouldn't choose. So long as they're not nasty people, doing these things to upset you, you just shrug and accept that they are different to you.

I sympathise, OP. In my case it’s me (northern, working class, say what I mean & mean what I say, first in my family to go to uni, interested in travel, politics, sport) & DP’s parents (traditionally posh, rural, private schools, speak in coded euphemisms, interested in horses, horses & horses) who are polar opposites. We don’t dislike one another, there is goodwill on both sides, but we simply come from different worlds, speak different languages, have different values & have absolutely nothing in common. Except DP, of course.

It will never be an easy or natural or close relationship. Everyone accepts that. We’re just too different. As an example, the introduction of same sex marriage came up in conversation. They thought it was ridiculous woke nonsense. I thought it was 30 years overdue. We could never go on holiday together, it would be a complete disaster.

The best way of managing the situation is that we meet up as infrequently as possible & DP mostly sees them on his own. It’s not ideal, obviously, but it’s the best we can do.

What do they say when you tell them you think they are being rude and OTT? Have you said anything to them about it? Have they ever acknowledged- even once - that their standards might be unnecessarily high?

if not, then I don’t think you will get them to change. This behaviour sounds deeply entrenched.

What’s your DH willing to do so that you can keep seeing them? It’s hard when you don’t have siblings as you are their only focus - my sister and I try to divvy up our mums annoying behaviour, which makes it bearable. How often do you see them?

They are all adults who supposedly love you. Can you explain how being in the middle this makes you feel? Both sides are showing a lack of consideration but its probably easier for DH to change while they are around. But either way, it's not your job to manage so don't let them put you in the middle. If they complain, don't problem solve. Just nod and move on.

Well in the examples you have given my sympathies are with your parents.

And good luck going forward with a DH who can't even tidy up after making a cup of tea.

I think this is the nub of it.

unless there are other flashpoints? Or does it really centre around cleanliness?

The real core of the problem here is it sounds like your DP can't help being upset by mess, they have a deep need for clean and tidy, it's their way of feeling safe Op, even small messes obviously make them very uncomfortable. Keeping that in mind, do you think your DH feels a need to be messy or is it just that he doesn't see clearing up until later as a problem?
I'm afraid your DP aren't going to be able to find much common ground with your DH until he stops doing the thing that makes them anxious. If you want their relationship to be better I'm afraid the solutions going to have to be in your DHs hands

I know you want to control the thread, and hopefully you’ll get some useful responses…

But I’m interested to know what it’s like at your own home? Who does the cleaning up between you and DH at home? Do your parents come to your house and start cleaning there? because that would be your opportunity to tell them it’s not welcome.

Holiday home - that’s a bit more neutral and therefore contested territory. I’ve certainly arrived at Airbnb’s and done a bit of cleaning. Did it need cleaned? What do you think?

Do you have any siblings? How do they deal with your parents OTT cleanliness?

Well people have said though

you follow the higher standards in the higher standards home and you don’t make a big deal out of things that aren’t big deals (I honestly don’t think cleaning the holiday cottage was a big deal tbh)

it sounds like as soon as either sides heckles are raised it’s ‘discussed’

the simple solution is to only see them at their house (respect their ‘uptightness’), your house (let them crack on with the cleaning) or a no mans land - preferably a hotel or two separate cottages

Yeah - also not on to turn up and start cleaning, unless you think you might contract dysentery.

The cleaning up thing (even at your house) sounds just like my mum. I figured that she just wanted to be useful and she’d spent a life time cleaning up after me and my brothers and sister when we were young. It didn’t bother me or my partner.

some of these things are just how you react to the situation. You could just chill out and let them be different.

BTW it would wind me up if someone came over made a cup of tea and left a mess because it could be cleaned up later. Usually that’s shorthand for leaving it for someone else to sort out.

I agree with this - your DH is being really disrespectful to leave a mess in someone else’s home, even if they have been welcoming and said ‘Make yourself at home!’.

I also agree with the comment about maternity leave, as you’ve mentioned that you’re planning to TTC, and would expand that to life as parents. I’m a tidy person married to someone who is naturally messy, leaves things to clear up ‘later’, and is a last-minute type of person. It was fine when it was just us two, especially as we split cooking and housework evenly, and I didn’t mind doing a bit of extra tidying or cleaning so the house met my standards. But once we’d had a baby, those slightly irritating habits became much more annoying, especially when it was something that directly affected me looking after the baby (having to clear a space on the counter in our tiny kitchen to prep bottles, for example, or DH not checking if there were nappies and wipes in the changing bag ). DH did improve after I pointed this out, because he understood that he was making my life more difficult. Would your DH do the same?