Parents and DH are polar opposites

[dontlookatmee]

It’s not a case of either being massively unreasonable or not making an effort - they’re just very different people, from the tiniest of everyday things to big picture stuff.

My parents are both very introverted, bookish, health-conscious, and ultra-careful in how they go about everyday life; DH is the life of the party, prefers sports and outdoor activities to reading, is very much a bon vivant, and flies by the seat of his pants.

I’m sure there’s some deep-seated psychological reason why I chose a life partner who is in so many ways a polar opposite to my parents, but ultimately, I love and respect them both, and remain very close to my parents. However, I’m feeling increasingly stressed by being the piggy in the middle - even making a cup of tea can end up being a flash point.

Both my parents and DH do their best to be nice and meet each other in the middle, but ultimately whenever we’re together it always ends up being very stressful for everyone involved; most of all me.

I’ve spoken to all of this about them and they understand my position, but it still inevitably ends up being a nightmare when we’re all together. I can fully understand why all three of them are the way they are knowing what I do about their childhood and upbringing, and also suspect there might be some neurodivergence on my parents’ side, but that doesn’t change how difficult things get.

How do you handle this if similar? I don’t live in the same country as my parents so we don’t see each other or holiday together very often, so it’s naturally time limited, but I also don’t want to live a life where I see always see them completely independently of DH, especially as we’re hoping to start ttc soon. I guess that’s probably my biggest worry; how things will look if there are children in the picture at some point.

Not exactly the same situation, but I've got similar with my mum and PIL. PIL are very much like your parents in almost every way, whereas DM is outgoing, chatty and adventurous.

They've spent time together over the years, and everyone just grins and bears it, but obviously it's been relatively easy for us to minimise contact - this is harder in your situation.

I haven't really got any advice other than I've found that due to the way they are (and like you suspect some neurodivergance) the PIL are generally much less flexible, so it therefore falls to my DM to be the one who is more flexible and has to go with the flow to avoid conflict - and in your situation this is your DH.

He might have to start reining it in, biting his tounge, and just going with their plans. As I also find that the older PIL get, the less flexible they become.

Just adding that while this is obviously something I “knew” before marrying him, the reality of it didn’t set in for a while as we were in different countries, it was COVID, and there was the novelty factor. So it’s not until the last year or so that it’s come home to roost

I don’t understand what the problem is. I get that they have different approaches to life, but so do plenty of people who manage to spend time together without any massive falling out.

What is being said? Being done?

@DialDot thank you, that’s interesting to hear - and yes, inflexible is the right word to use here… as you say, it only gets worse with age, so I am also not particularly optimistic about things changing.

I agree that it probably falls on DH to go with the flow, but interestingly he watched an uncannily similar dynamic unfold with his parents/grandparents, and his takeaway from that was that it’s better to stand your ground (as his grandparents aged, they ended up dominating his parents’ lives, and to some extent, his, with their very particular views and lifestyle). I really don’t know what the answer is here - I understand that you need to draw the line somewhere and say, this is just how I am, but I also don’t know if it’s worth fighting at this point.

even making a cup of tea can end up being a flash point.

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It sounds like they are intensely rigid / controlling

It's impossible to give advice really, because you haven't actually given any examples of the sort of things that are happening.

How can you have a flash point over a cup of tea?

I don’t really understand because with older people thinks are a little bit sedate anyway so if he’s expecting them to do laps of the garden to earn a spoon of sugar in their tea id be irritated to

shorter visits? Spending time with the in laws can always be a bit weird - I tend to busy myself with the kids or read a book. Can’t your DH take himself off for a run? My DH tends to do a lot of exercise when with my family!!

or his ‘carefree’ nature is bloody annoying because he leaves the teabag in the sink and the spoon on the counter!!

There is no problem here. You have different relationships with different types of people. So what? I can't imagine thinking that my partner had to be in any way similar to my parents.

OK, so to use the cup of tea example. DH wants to make a cup of tea and, in the process, ends up spilling the sugar, leaving teabags and spoons lying around, and doesn’t clean up after himself - not because he think he doesn’t have to, but because he figures, it can be done later, why would anyone care if it’s now or in an hour or three hours.

This sends my parents into overdrive, because they need to have a clean and tidy space at all times; they have never left a dirty dish or mess for more than a few minutes.

They are then quietly seething about DH not cleaning up after himself and end up cleaning up after him because they can’t bear living in a kitchen that looks like that for more than a few minutes; he feels this is passive aggressive and that they just should’ve relaxed for however long it takes him to clean up.

I can understand both sides - on the one hand, it’s their kitchen, they are clean freaks, they want it clean, he knows that, he should clean up. On the other hand, it’s not the end of the world if it’s left like that for an hour, and they should probably just relax about it.

Sorry but he’s being an arse. You show respect to your hosts - particularly when they are your parents in law (and he is going to drive you nuts when you’re on maternity leave!). That’s not being told what to do by the grandparents - that's basic respect in someone’s home. maybe you should reconsider your list and focus on the ones that are actually an issue

basic respect, shorter visits and he busies himself doing something he enjoys while you spend time with your parents because as your husband he values your relationship with your parents

Based purely on that example, I’d enact a ‘house rules’ approach based on where you are. So if you’re staying with them, your DH needs to do things the way they like (so clean up as soon as he’s made his tea). If they’re at yours, mess can be left (and it would be on you to make them leave it alone).

If somewhere neutral maybe set out some middle ground but tbh, if/when you have dc, they’ll massively change everything anyway.

How do you feel about the way your DH makes a cup of tea (and a big mess)? Does he do that at home? I’m not as uptight as your parents but I’d be a bit pissed off if a grown adult can’t made a cuppa without making a mess.

Personally I feel if he’s in their home, it’s their rules. Clearly they are not going to unbend enough to be tolerant of his mess - and tbh why should they? He knows how to be tidy, I assume - he’s just choosing not to be.

any other examples?

Would your parents prefer it if he didn’t make his own tea at their house? That’s sorted.

Surely there’s more to it than that?

Your husband sounds like an arsehole based on the tea example. Maybe there's a lot more going on here than different personalities.

In his house, that’s fine. In their house? It’s not. That would be my take anyway.
I can, admittedly at times, be a touch slovenly at home if it’s just us. I absolutely wouldn’t do that in someone else’s house, particularly if I knew they were clean conscious.

I'm with your parents on this one - it's bloody rude to make a mess in someone's kitchen and not clean it up straight away, especially if you know they're fastidious. I think your DH needs to learn some manners!

I would also be interested to know how often you end up tidying up after him because the mess was left and you just happened to be tidying up your own so may as well do his

@FlowersInPots I think the house-based rules is a good idea, actually.

To anyone siding with my parents too quickly; they also have a really annoying habit of starting to clean whenever they come to visit us - including when DH’s parents kindly lent us their holiday cottage! Admittedly it wasn’t up to hotel standard, but it was liveable, and who tf comes to someone else’s home and starts cleaning it as soon as they arrive… so contrary to what I said in my OP, it probably is unreasonable behaviour on both sides. it was obviously quite insulting to DH, mortifying for me, and they were then annoyed when we suggested their cleaning (which they thought was doing us a favour) wasn’t necessary or polite.

Their house, their rules. It’s incredibly rude of DH to leave a mess if he knows it will bother them. And does he ever actually come back to clean it up? What other examples are there? It might be that in his slave it’s his rules, and in their space it’s their rules

You understand both sides?!!!! He’s being utterly rude and disrespectful to your parents. That’s not them being introvert and him being extrovert - that’s him being a total dick.

Yeah. It’s him.

I’m still not getting why some differences over cleaning standards are leading to it being such a “stressful nightmare” for you to manage?

Are you not very resilient? Or is there significantly more to it?

My mum can’t help herself cleaning whenever she goes somewhere. Always used to clean the hotel loos before we used them 🤣

I just see that as a positive quirk tbh - maybe portray it to your DH as their hobby. He goes for a run - they clean

again, this will be in your favour when they come to visit during maternity leave!

He can leave a mess in his own kitchen. When he’s a guest he should clear up.

That‘s just being polite - he’s not ‘giving in’