I’ve made the in-laws hate me even more…

Leave your DH, report him to the police and then you won't need to deal with the in-laws.

I mean, either you leave him now or you leave him when he's been bailed pending a court appearance for DUI (if not causing death or serious injury).

Ugh this sounds pretty grim OP. By the sounds of it your husband and in laws all have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. His drink driving is a criminal offence and I would not stay married to him unless he addresses his misuse of alcohol and commits to sobriety. He could harm or kill either himself or some other poor soul. Your in laws are revolting if they dont see this as a huge issue and are encouraging him to drink again tonight. Really grim.

I don't see how this in-laws problem. Surely they're not going to be your in-laws for much longer.

Your husband drunk drove. Surely that's marriage over?

I disagree. If something is serious enough to leave you considering ending a long term relationship or marriage then I think unless you are immediately done and know it's irretrievable then you owe it to the other person to have a direct conversation about where you stand. What they do with that then informs your next choice. You don't stay and pretend it's cool or leave if you think there's a chance things could be resolved.

You can disapprove of a 90 year old if you fancy. The point is whether it makes an impact in the way it would on a 18 year old and whether it’s an appropriate way to behave as a mature adult.

i disapprove of all sorts of adults. They don’t give a shit,

Ah he's 45. That's okay then if he drink drives or injures someone. Didn't realise you could only disapprove if someone was 18.

This is a pretty daft take from the post. I can’t really respond to nonsense.

You think being a grown man allows you to drink and drive with impunity, do you?

The thing is shame isn’t a way of stopping someone doing something. The shame is often what keeps them doing it.

I totally get you OP. My exh did crazy things (not this, just other things you wouldn’t want a H doing) and for years I didn’t say anything. But by keeping his secret I was enabling him. I should have sung it from the rooftops so that perhaps there would have been some shame. It is good to call something out, even if the family don’t react at least for a moment they will have had to face reality. And perhaps you will have sown a seed, who knows.

Of course it is his responsibility to not drink drive, but as people who love him, his family should also be doing what they can to keep him (and others!) safe and you have just reminded them of that fact.

But he might’ve got up after everyone went to bed and decided to drive home, he might’ve just disappeared and no one knew where. They were all presumably drunk too. Inventing some situation where they all cheerfully waved him off doesn’t help anyone.

Your 45 year old son?

do people really have these parent child relationships at middle age?!

my parents have respected me as an adult for at least a decade. There is no doubt they would be extremely disapproving of drunk driving from anyone, but the idea they would reach the same way they would if I was 18 is just bizarre to me.

nothing was gained but I wanted them all to realise in the cold light of day that what he had done was not a normal thing to do for the majority of people.

Trying to ‘educate’ people like this never works, forget it, you are wasting your time . They are grown adults, as is your DH and his own idiotic decisions are on him. You and your DH sound mismatched, are your values aligned in other ways ? Do you respect him. It’s sounds like hard work, you are still young at 44. Marrying into a family of heavy drinkers is always going to be hard work and if you also don’t get on, frankly it’s a lot of hassle that no one needs, unless you can keep them low contact but it doesn’t sound like it.

Your husband comes from a culture of drinking- are you sure you are well suited?
Many people drink when they are young then ease back, but less so when they come from a family like this- you won't change behaviour, just like thsat- so you have to decide whether you can live with this or not.

Absolutely! I have a zero tolerance to drink driving. It ruins lives. And if my partner showed such little regard to human life that he got behind the wheel after a drink, knowing my feelings on it, then yes, it would be a deal breaker for me.

You can't involve the police after they have finished driving. They have to be behind the wheel.

I wouldn't have texted the family in your situation. I have a great relationship with my ILs and I wouldn't text them in this situation either.

I'd find it very difficult to get past what your DH did though. I presume this isn't the first time he's driven drunk?

So you would just ignore the fact that your son had driven while under the influence of alcohol and could have killed someone.

I get your point! Obviously it was his decision to drive but if he’d planned to stay over and then changed his mind, why did no one say ‘no, you absolutely can’t’. If it’s a family gathering, I think everyone has a shared responsibility to make sure someone doesn’t do something really stupid. I’d be very annoyed at all of them.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Are you planning to have children? Every single Christmas of their little lives will be surrounded by adults drinking too much, including their father.

@Mumofyellows Normally I would say that it's not the end of the world not getting on with your inlaws. But since your dh are so very close to them and have similar values (or lack thereof) I would say this is a big problem. Whining to you like an adolescent that they all think you're a killjoy because he can't get hammered..pleeease! Driving drunk which is accepted by all- are they stupid or what? My Mil would be furious- I can always count on her to take "my side" when dh is being unreasonable and yet he would never drink and drive. He's 50, care about his health so never get hammered like in his twenties. He sounds very immature and not a good fit for you at all.

i Didn’t. No way was I staying married to someone like that, I’ve got too much self respect and respect for other people. Absolutely killed any respect I had for him.

Absolutely

Okay, your opening post and the actual message were very different.

Like you, I would have also wanted them to know he drove home in that condition and definitely would be asking that someone take the keys away from him next time.

As an older adult with adult kids, I wouldn't reply saying what I thought in the group chat. I would absolutely think my kid was a moron for doing that. I'd be furious about the danger they put themselves and others in. I just wouldn't put it in the group chat or in writing, I'd be telling them in person myself. Drinking for the big game? Totally understandable (even though I barely drink myself). Driving like that? Beyond stupid!

I just wouldn't do it in writing, in a chat with the rest of the family. Privately and to their face, yes! I would also make sure they didn't ever drive anywhere like that again. I'd hide their keys and deny any knowledge of where they are.