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Original poster

AIBU to tell DP I could never be around his brother?

55 replies

malefields · 15/07/2026 10:42

I can’t talk to anyone about this yet so I thought I’d gauge opinions here to see if I’m overreacting.

DP’s estranged brother has been arrested and it all sounds quite serious, I don’t know the formal name of the charges but it relates to DV, sexual assault and so on against a partner. You get the idea.

DP and family are trying to help how they can while this is unfolding, they don’t have much info either. I understand where they’re coming from, but…. this is where I’m stuck: my past relationship was very abusive over an extended period of time. I know in my heart even if this man gets away with it, I’ll never, ever be able to be around him or pretend like I’m okay with his existence.

AIBU in talking to DP about this now? Should I wait and see how it unfolds?
It’s actually a dealbreaker for me I fear, but I also know how badly he wants his family together (they grew up severely neglected but this brother seems to be the only highly dysfunctional one). I just don’t want to not say anything and in 5 years (assuming he’s out, I don’t know) he thinks I’d be okay with this person coming round for dinner or Christmas or something.

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 17/07/2026 11:18

FWC2026 · 16/07/2026 10:51

We all have to take our own decisions don't we ' life isn't easy. I can see why you made the choices you did, but in this situation she's not even married to this man yet and although they may want to have children, they don't already yet.

Personally, I think she would be better leaving her DP and getting away from his complex family situation where they are going to support an abusive man who has already admitted to more than enough to make her not want to ever see him & it's likely that there's even worse to come.

Yes, she might love him, but she needs to love herself more and walk away.

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Oh I completely agree. Our situation is also very different as I was/am close to SIL so was very much “in the middle”

I think I just wanted to point out how difficult it could potentially be if they do stay together

FWC2026 · 17/07/2026 12:00

MsSquiz · 17/07/2026 11:18

Oh I completely agree. Our situation is also very different as I was/am close to SIL so was very much “in the middle”

I think I just wanted to point out how difficult it could potentially be if they do stay together

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Oh absolutely!! I hope she takes that on board. She has the opportunity to walk away from this now BEFORE it gets so much more complicated. It's not easy to find the strength to walk away from someone you love, but he's not prioritising her here, why should she prioritise him. No man is worth the future trauma thus situation WILL cause her. I just wish there was a way to make her see that 😢. It's so hard when we can't speak in person 😢

FWC2026 · 17/07/2026 12:05

likelysuspect · 16/07/2026 21:28

Ok, Im a bit confused then, how and why would you be socialising with him/your brother be socialising with him if he is estranged. Im not getting it sorry

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Excuse he's suddenly not so estranged when he needs help, he willnot be estranged when he gets out of prison because he'll expect them to support him when no one else wants to know him. Her DP is clearly desperate to try to play happy families due to their chaotic chidrood, which is somewhat understandable, but it is going to come at the cost of the OP's mental health and happiness. He won't see that... she needs to and she needs to be strong enough to walk away now. before she suffers any more due to the situation.

Original poster
malefields · 24/07/2026 11:24

FWC2026 · 17/07/2026 12:05

Excuse he's suddenly not so estranged when he needs help, he willnot be estranged when he gets out of prison because he'll expect them to support him when no one else wants to know him. Her DP is clearly desperate to try to play happy families due to their chaotic chidrood, which is somewhat understandable, but it is going to come at the cost of the OP's mental health and happiness. He won't see that... she needs to and she needs to be strong enough to walk away now. before she suffers any more due to the situation.

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Yes, I think this is pretty much the beginning of the end of our relationship.

I’m beyond devastated as there’s nothing wrong between us but as time goes on I am realising that this simply won’t be something I can deal with. I’ve been avoiding family things and quite frankly, I’ve now grown to dislike all of them. I don’t want to be anywhere near anyone in his family and it’s only a matter of time until he notices it’s permanent.

I’ve been trying to slowly detach and do my own thing but I am already heartbroken because I don’t see a way out of this. I’m also not in the group chat anymore so in a way it’s worse because now I don’t know the full scope of the situation.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 24/07/2026 13:19

malefields · 24/07/2026 11:24

Yes, I think this is pretty much the beginning of the end of our relationship.

I’m beyond devastated as there’s nothing wrong between us but as time goes on I am realising that this simply won’t be something I can deal with. I’ve been avoiding family things and quite frankly, I’ve now grown to dislike all of them. I don’t want to be anywhere near anyone in his family and it’s only a matter of time until he notices it’s permanent.

I’ve been trying to slowly detach and do my own thing but I am already heartbroken because I don’t see a way out of this. I’m also not in the group chat anymore so in a way it’s worse because now I don’t know the full scope of the situation.

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Unfortunately this is the correct thing to do.

Ideally you are vet off putting ties asap so you can heal and move on but I get that's easy to say and hard to do.

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