Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
30 days only
Original poster

AIBU to tell DP I could never be around his brother?

55 replies

malefields · 15/07/2026 10:42

I can’t talk to anyone about this yet so I thought I’d gauge opinions here to see if I’m overreacting.

DP’s estranged brother has been arrested and it all sounds quite serious, I don’t know the formal name of the charges but it relates to DV, sexual assault and so on against a partner. You get the idea.

DP and family are trying to help how they can while this is unfolding, they don’t have much info either. I understand where they’re coming from, but…. this is where I’m stuck: my past relationship was very abusive over an extended period of time. I know in my heart even if this man gets away with it, I’ll never, ever be able to be around him or pretend like I’m okay with his existence.

AIBU in talking to DP about this now? Should I wait and see how it unfolds?
It’s actually a dealbreaker for me I fear, but I also know how badly he wants his family together (they grew up severely neglected but this brother seems to be the only highly dysfunctional one). I just don’t want to not say anything and in 5 years (assuming he’s out, I don’t know) he thinks I’d be okay with this person coming round for dinner or Christmas or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
malefields · 15/07/2026 22:15

@likelysuspect yeah but what sort of relationship does that become? It’s not a second cousin, it’s his brother. If they want birthdays etc together I’d have to constantly sit it out and they do quite a lot together, we just came back from a city break with his other siblings.

I suppose we’ll know more once there’s actually a sentencing, I just don’t know how long these things take.

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 15/07/2026 22:57

If your DP and his brother remain close and in each other’s lives, you won’t be able to avoid him. And if you do, your DP may resent the strain it puts on him to keep his partner and sibling apart

Tabarnak · 15/07/2026 23:32

So he is on remand awaiting trial and then sentencing at least for the offences he admits.

The thing is OP, that all the time he spends remanded in custody is deducted from his sentence. So in a way the longer it takes now, the sooner he gets out after sentencing.

I think you need to talk to your DP now. Before he dives headlong into being family saviour and promising g support to his brother that would be impossible for you.

If you plan to get married his loyalty needs to be to you. He needs to be the person who protects you, and of course you him. A team, each others rock. Of course there will be a family pull, he will have family connection to his brother to some extent, but be honest now do that he can think, and not make promises to his family that he may not be able to keep.

Original poster
malefields · 16/07/2026 10:39

@Tabarnak I agree, I think we need to talk about this now. I think he senses my tension when he brings it up, I’ve been very vague in my response. Quite frankly, I don’t want to hear about it.

I looked up the parts he’s admitted to and it seems that it would be about 5 years, but I assume the point of the trial is him trying to get as little time as possible. The thought of this person being frequently around makes me sick, to the point I’m starting to resent the daily phone calls.

OP posts:
FWC2026 · 16/07/2026 10:45

Tulipsriver · 15/07/2026 15:20

In that case you need to have a frank conversation with your partner.

Spell out that regardless of the outcome in court, the behaviour he has admitted to means that you will never be in the same room as him or allow any future children to meet him. This includes events like weddings, funerals, Christmas etc. If it's a dealbreaker it's far better to get it out in the open now so you can both make a decision about whether your relationship is viable going forward.

Show quote history

This!

FWC2026 · 16/07/2026 10:51

MsSquiz · 15/07/2026 15:26

I have been in a similar position - DHs brother was abusive to his wife and their children while also fielding an alcohol problem.
SIL asked the family to intervene and get him sent to rehab. While he was in rehab she told him they would not be staying together, she had a non mol order against him, once he was out of rehab he was allowed to see the children via a 3rd party handover and he lived with his dad.

we all knew he was guilty of what he’d done but charges were never brought.
DH’s family backed him resolutely and acted like he was the victim and SIL was an abuser of sorts by not staying with him and keeping the family together.

DH and I have had numerous disagreements about BIL’s actions and behaviour but although now slightly distanced, he and his family stand by BIL.

I hate being around him, but have to suck it up to a point to allow the kids to all spend time with each other.

you may find yourself in a very similar situation

We all have to take our own decisions don't we ' life isn't easy. I can see why you made the choices you did, but in this situation she's not even married to this man yet and although they may want to have children, they don't already yet.

Personally, I think she would be better leaving her DP and getting away from his complex family situation where they are going to support an abusive man who has already admitted to more than enough to make her not want to ever see him & it's likely that there's even worse to come.

Yes, she might love him, but she needs to love herself more and walk away.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/07/2026 10:53

This reply has been hidden

This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/07/2026 10:56

Ohhhh my post was hidden 🤫
Tl:dr this is lose lose.... he clearly wants his horrid brother in his life.

Irrespective of what he tells you now in 10 yrs he'll be taking the kids over to his parents when his brother is there and you'll be the bad guy.... and you'll be getting pressured into allowing him over for BBQs

I think this is a deal breaker tbh. With a heavy heart id be ending the relationship. Your dp already knows how awful he is and wants to support him

FWC2026 · 16/07/2026 11:00

malefields · 15/07/2026 22:15

@likelysuspect yeah but what sort of relationship does that become? It’s not a second cousin, it’s his brother. If they want birthdays etc together I’d have to constantly sit it out and they do quite a lot together, we just came back from a city break with his other siblings.

I suppose we’ll know more once there’s actually a sentencing, I just don’t know how long these things take.

But love, you don't need to know more. You already know more than enough that he's admitted to that you don't ever want to see him and I completely understand that so it really doesn't matter what other things he has done or what they can prove.

It is clear your DP wants to support his (previously estranged ) brother and do what he can to glue his dysfunctional family back together and in that he is willing to overlook his brother's behaviour, that's his choice but it's at too high a cost for you.

You deserve more after what you have been through than to be in the middle of all this dysfunctional, morally corrupt, behaviour.

You need to have your own back here, and as much as you might love DP, love yourself more and walk away.

FWC2026 · 16/07/2026 11:00

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/07/2026 10:56

Ohhhh my post was hidden 🤫
Tl:dr this is lose lose.... he clearly wants his horrid brother in his life.

Irrespective of what he tells you now in 10 yrs he'll be taking the kids over to his parents when his brother is there and you'll be the bad guy.... and you'll be getting pressured into allowing him over for BBQs

I think this is a deal breaker tbh. With a heavy heart id be ending the relationship. Your dp already knows how awful he is and wants to support him

Edited

Agreed!

midJulytarget · 16/07/2026 11:09

I'm afraid I'd also walk away, this is likely to be a permanent problem. If you have dc I'd think twice, but if not, I don't think the perpetual stress is worth it.

Beccahm · 16/07/2026 13:42

malefields · 15/07/2026 22:15

@likelysuspect yeah but what sort of relationship does that become? It’s not a second cousin, it’s his brother. If they want birthdays etc together I’d have to constantly sit it out and they do quite a lot together, we just came back from a city break with his other siblings.

I suppose we’ll know more once there’s actually a sentencing, I just don’t know how long these things take.

I guess the thing for me would be...if your DP still wants to spend time with somebody who is capable of that, I wouldn't wanna be in the relationship.

Cos even you opt out, you know that your partner is ok with it all. It's tricky, I know it's complex because he feels he has a family bond with this guy and there's argument that once you've done your time you should be forgiven etc but...I dunno. Once someone has shown you who they are, believe them. And the fact your partner has seen who his brother is and isn't withholding some contact or passing quite considerable judgement about whether this is a good person to be around...that would make my decision for me.

People bleat on about the importance of family. IMHO it's rubbish. It's important to have great people in your life who uphold the same morals and principles as you, family or not.

Original poster
malefields · 16/07/2026 15:15

Beccahm · 16/07/2026 13:42

I guess the thing for me would be...if your DP still wants to spend time with somebody who is capable of that, I wouldn't wanna be in the relationship.

Cos even you opt out, you know that your partner is ok with it all. It's tricky, I know it's complex because he feels he has a family bond with this guy and there's argument that once you've done your time you should be forgiven etc but...I dunno. Once someone has shown you who they are, believe them. And the fact your partner has seen who his brother is and isn't withholding some contact or passing quite considerable judgement about whether this is a good person to be around...that would make my decision for me.

People bleat on about the importance of family. IMHO it's rubbish. It's important to have great people in your life who uphold the same morals and principles as you, family or not.

Show quote history

I think they’re all still in denial about it because he has no previous history of violence, temper, etc.

DP volunteers and works with rehabilitation so I know this is something very close to his heart as it is and I’m fine with it, I guess it just happened that he’s never known (that I know of) anyone involved in sexual violence. DP himself is lovely, which is why this is a massive bombshell in our relationship. I’m otherwise extremely happy with him but this has been distressing, to say the least.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 16/07/2026 15:29

I just don’t see how you can stay. Your DP and his tight knit family are going to constantly push you into either helping “rescue” his brother-the-rapist/abuser or they will treat you as a “persecutor”. Its straight up the drama triangle. They won’t let you stay outside of it for long.

You can’t be a noncombatant ir a conscientious objector. They will see it as “you are with us or against us.”

All the more so if your DP is in the rehabilitation business as he clearly has a natural fantasy associated with helpers (I am a social worker myself so I know) that with enough heroic intervention sinners can become saints and people can redeem themselves. Since the dear brother is seen by the family as the victim he will get all the coddling they can give him. Your need for safety will be ignored and even seen as an attack on the brothers community.

Nearly50omg · 16/07/2026 15:37

Why aren’t the family prioritising the abused partner???? Hell no!! I would make it VERY clear to your dp now that this man never comes in your house again and you NEVER want to meet up with him or have anything to do with him!! Police don’t arrest men for DV for nothing!!!

Original poster
malefields · 16/07/2026 16:11

Nearly50omg · 16/07/2026 15:37

Why aren’t the family prioritising the abused partner???? Hell no!! I would make it VERY clear to your dp now that this man never comes in your house again and you NEVER want to meet up with him or have anything to do with him!! Police don’t arrest men for DV for nothing!!!

They don’t know the partner, he’s left his long term partner at some point, moved to a completely different area of the country and now this happened during the estrangement. We’ve been together for almost 5 years + I knew him a year before that as a friend and have never met this brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
malefields · 16/07/2026 16:36

@pikkumyy77 I think I’m going to have an initial talk with him today, this has been upsetting me a lot more than I anticipated.

I’ll be absolutely heartbroken if it doesn’t have the outcome I’m hoping for, but simultaneously I have this nagging feeling that it won’t go well for me.

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 16/07/2026 16:43

DP, I’m so sorry about you needing to navigate this situation with your brother. It must be really hard for you.
The thing is, I’m not going to be able to actively support you with this. It’s something that strikes at my very centre, because of trauma in my own background.
The idea of him terrifies me now, and hearing about it is making me feel sick and anxious. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to socialise with him. He is everything that scares and horrifies me.
I’m really sorry because I know how important family is to you. It’s just something I simply can’t navigate.

likelysuspect · 16/07/2026 19:52

The thing that will have a massive impact is if you have kids, your partner seems close to his brother you say and do a lot together, well you may feel you dont want the kids around the brother, certainly not unsupervised. Your partner may feel differently, its up to your partner who he allows round his kids

Original poster
malefields · 16/07/2026 20:23

@likelysuspect we’re not having children together so that’s a non-issue.

We’ve talked, I said pretty much what @PrizedPickledPopcorn posted and I’ve also left the family chat. DP will take the phone calls etc elsewhere from now on too.

Apparently he hasn’t spent any holidays, Christmas etc with his brother in almost 20 years so he’s not bothered on that front, I regardless of the outcome he’s not planning on a big family reunion, but he’ll likely keep in touch maybe? I don’t think even he knows yet because it’s all up in the air.

It also transpired that he’s worried about the impact on the family when word gets out as we live in a small town. I was surprised by this, but I’m not local and this is all happening quite far from us.

OP posts:
TheignT · 16/07/2026 20:26

malefields · 15/07/2026 12:32

@PollyBell of course he doesn’t need my permission, otherwise I would have said “let him sort his own mess on his own”. I don’t think he deserves any help, which is my view of sexual abusers as a whole.

What I mean is I have no plans to accept socialising with a proven abuser.

Is he a proven abuser? Not everyone who is arrested is guilty.

Sorry I missed he's admitted some of it. That does make it difficult.

likelysuspect · 16/07/2026 20:37

malefields · 16/07/2026 20:23

@likelysuspect we’re not having children together so that’s a non-issue.

We’ve talked, I said pretty much what @PrizedPickledPopcorn posted and I’ve also left the family chat. DP will take the phone calls etc elsewhere from now on too.

Apparently he hasn’t spent any holidays, Christmas etc with his brother in almost 20 years so he’s not bothered on that front, I regardless of the outcome he’s not planning on a big family reunion, but he’ll likely keep in touch maybe? I don’t think even he knows yet because it’s all up in the air.

It also transpired that he’s worried about the impact on the family when word gets out as we live in a small town. I was surprised by this, but I’m not local and this is all happening quite far from us.

I thought you said he was very close and they do a lot together?

If you're in a small town and this is all happening a long way from you, why would your small town know anything about your husbands family? Does his family live near you, but not the brother?

Original poster
malefields · 16/07/2026 21:26

@likelysuspect we all socialise frequently except for this brother who has been estranged (by his own choice) for a number of years, which is why I’ve never met him.

Yes, we all live here except this brother.

OP posts:
likelysuspect · 16/07/2026 21:28

malefields · 16/07/2026 21:26

@likelysuspect we all socialise frequently except for this brother who has been estranged (by his own choice) for a number of years, which is why I’ve never met him.

Yes, we all live here except this brother.

Edited

Ok, Im a bit confused then, how and why would you be socialising with him/your brother be socialising with him if he is estranged. Im not getting it sorry

Original poster
malefields · 16/07/2026 21:34

@likelysuspect because this is his hometown. Presumably once he leaves prison he’ll need support so it makes sense that he’d be here where his only support system exists.

DP thinks he won’t be back here so you might have a point.

OP posts: