AIBU to tell DP I could never be around his brother?

malefields · 2026-07-15T09:42:12+00:00

I can’t talk to anyone about this yet so I thought I’d gauge opinions here to see if I’m overreacting. DP’s estranged brother has been arrested and it all sounds quite serious, I don’t know the formal name of the charges but it relates to DV, sexual assault and so on against a partner. You get the idea. DP and family are trying to help how they can while this is unfolding, they don’t have much info either. I understand where they’re coming from, but…. this is where I’m stuck: my past relationship was very abusive over an extended period of time. I know in my heart even if this man gets away with it, I’ll never, ever be able to be around him or pretend like I’m okay with his existence. AIBU in talking to DP about this now? Should I wait and see how it unfolds? It’s actually a dealbreaker for me I fear, but I also know how badly he wants his family together (they grew up severely neglected but this brother seems to be the only highly dysfunctional one). I just don’t want to not say anything and in 5 years (assuming he’s out, I don’t know) he thinks I’d be okay with this person coming round for dinner or Christmas or something.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 24/07/2026 13:19

malefields · 24/07/2026 11:24

Yes, I think this is pretty much the beginning of the end of our relationship.

I’m beyond devastated as there’s nothing wrong between us but as time goes on I am realising that this simply won’t be something I can deal with. I’ve been avoiding family things and quite frankly, I’ve now grown to dislike all of them. I don’t want to be anywhere near anyone in his family and it’s only a matter of time until he notices it’s permanent.

I’ve been trying to slowly detach and do my own thing but I am already heartbroken because I don’t see a way out of this. I’m also not in the group chat anymore so in a way it’s worse because now I don’t know the full scope of the situation.

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Unfortunately this is the correct thing to do.

Ideally you are vet off putting ties asap so you can heal and move on but I get that's easy to say and hard to do.

Original poster

malefields · 24/07/2026 11:24

FWC2026 · 17/07/2026 12:05

Excuse he's suddenly not so estranged when he needs help, he willnot be estranged when he gets out of prison because he'll expect them to support him when no one else wants to know him. Her DP is clearly desperate to try to play happy families due to their chaotic chidrood, which is somewhat understandable, but it is going to come at the cost of the OP's mental health and happiness. He won't see that... she needs to and she needs to be strong enough to walk away now. before she suffers any more due to the situation.

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Yes, I think this is pretty much the beginning of the end of our relationship.

I’m beyond devastated as there’s nothing wrong between us but as time goes on I am realising that this simply won’t be something I can deal with. I’ve been avoiding family things and quite frankly, I’ve now grown to dislike all of them. I don’t want to be anywhere near anyone in his family and it’s only a matter of time until he notices it’s permanent.

I’ve been trying to slowly detach and do my own thing but I am already heartbroken because I don’t see a way out of this. I’m also not in the group chat anymore so in a way it’s worse because now I don’t know the full scope of the situation.

OP posts:

FWC2026 · 17/07/2026 12:05

likelysuspect · 16/07/2026 21:28

Ok, Im a bit confused then, how and why would you be socialising with him/your brother be socialising with him if he is estranged. Im not getting it sorry

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Excuse he's suddenly not so estranged when he needs help, he willnot be estranged when he gets out of prison because he'll expect them to support him when no one else wants to know him. Her DP is clearly desperate to try to play happy families due to their chaotic chidrood, which is somewhat understandable, but it is going to come at the cost of the OP's mental health and happiness. He won't see that... she needs to and she needs to be strong enough to walk away now. before she suffers any more due to the situation.

FWC2026 · 17/07/2026 12:00

MsSquiz · 17/07/2026 11:18

Oh I completely agree. Our situation is also very different as I was/am close to SIL so was very much “in the middle”

I think I just wanted to point out how difficult it could potentially be if they do stay together

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Oh absolutely!! I hope she takes that on board. She has the opportunity to walk away from this now BEFORE it gets so much more complicated. It's not easy to find the strength to walk away from someone you love, but he's not prioritising her here, why should she prioritise him. No man is worth the future trauma thus situation WILL cause her. I just wish there was a way to make her see that 😢. It's so hard when we can't speak in person 😢

MsSquiz · 17/07/2026 11:18

FWC2026 · 16/07/2026 10:51

We all have to take our own decisions don't we ' life isn't easy. I can see why you made the choices you did, but in this situation she's not even married to this man yet and although they may want to have children, they don't already yet.

Personally, I think she would be better leaving her DP and getting away from his complex family situation where they are going to support an abusive man who has already admitted to more than enough to make her not want to ever see him & it's likely that there's even worse to come.

Yes, she might love him, but she needs to love herself more and walk away.

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Oh I completely agree. Our situation is also very different as I was/am close to SIL so was very much “in the middle”

I think I just wanted to point out how difficult it could potentially be if they do stay together

Original poster

malefields · 16/07/2026 21:34

@likelysuspect because this is his hometown. Presumably once he leaves prison he’ll need support so it makes sense that he’d be here where his only support system exists.

DP thinks he won’t be back here so you might have a point.

OP posts:

likelysuspect · 16/07/2026 21:28

malefields · 16/07/2026 21:26

@likelysuspect we all socialise frequently except for this brother who has been estranged (by his own choice) for a number of years, which is why I’ve never met him.

Yes, we all live here except this brother.

Edited

Ok, Im a bit confused then, how and why would you be socialising with him/your brother be socialising with him if he is estranged. Im not getting it sorry

Original poster

malefields · 16/07/2026 21:26

@likelysuspect we all socialise frequently except for this brother who has been estranged (by his own choice) for a number of years, which is why I’ve never met him.

Yes, we all live here except this brother.

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likelysuspect · 16/07/2026 20:37

malefields · 16/07/2026 20:23

@likelysuspect we’re not having children together so that’s a non-issue.

We’ve talked, I said pretty much what @PrizedPickledPopcorn posted and I’ve also left the family chat. DP will take the phone calls etc elsewhere from now on too.

Apparently he hasn’t spent any holidays, Christmas etc with his brother in almost 20 years so he’s not bothered on that front, I regardless of the outcome he’s not planning on a big family reunion, but he’ll likely keep in touch maybe? I don’t think even he knows yet because it’s all up in the air.

It also transpired that he’s worried about the impact on the family when word gets out as we live in a small town. I was surprised by this, but I’m not local and this is all happening quite far from us.

I thought you said he was very close and they do a lot together?

If you're in a small town and this is all happening a long way from you, why would your small town know anything about your husbands family? Does his family live near you, but not the brother?

TheignT · 16/07/2026 20:26

malefields · 15/07/2026 12:32

@PollyBell of course he doesn’t need my permission, otherwise I would have said “let him sort his own mess on his own”. I don’t think he deserves any help, which is my view of sexual abusers as a whole.

What I mean is I have no plans to accept socialising with a proven abuser.

Is he a proven abuser? Not everyone who is arrested is guilty.

Sorry I missed he's admitted some of it. That does make it difficult.

Original poster

malefields · 16/07/2026 20:23

@likelysuspect we’re not having children together so that’s a non-issue.

We’ve talked, I said pretty much what @PrizedPickledPopcorn posted and I’ve also left the family chat. DP will take the phone calls etc elsewhere from now on too.

Apparently he hasn’t spent any holidays, Christmas etc with his brother in almost 20 years so he’s not bothered on that front, I regardless of the outcome he’s not planning on a big family reunion, but he’ll likely keep in touch maybe? I don’t think even he knows yet because it’s all up in the air.

It also transpired that he’s worried about the impact on the family when word gets out as we live in a small town. I was surprised by this, but I’m not local and this is all happening quite far from us.

OP posts:

likelysuspect · 16/07/2026 19:52

The thing that will have a massive impact is if you have kids, your partner seems close to his brother you say and do a lot together, well you may feel you dont want the kids around the brother, certainly not unsupervised. Your partner may feel differently, its up to your partner who he allows round his kids

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 16/07/2026 16:43

DP, I’m so sorry about you needing to navigate this situation with your brother. It must be really hard for you.
The thing is, I’m not going to be able to actively support you with this. It’s something that strikes at my very centre, because of trauma in my own background.
The idea of him terrifies me now, and hearing about it is making me feel sick and anxious. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to socialise with him. He is everything that scares and horrifies me.
I’m really sorry because I know how important family is to you. It’s just something I simply can’t navigate.

Original poster

malefields · 16/07/2026 16:36

@pikkumyy77 I think I’m going to have an initial talk with him today, this has been upsetting me a lot more than I anticipated.

I’ll be absolutely heartbroken if it doesn’t have the outcome I’m hoping for, but simultaneously I have this nagging feeling that it won’t go well for me.

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Original poster

malefields · 16/07/2026 16:11

Nearly50omg · 16/07/2026 15:37

Why aren’t the family prioritising the abused partner???? Hell no!! I would make it VERY clear to your dp now that this man never comes in your house again and you NEVER want to meet up with him or have anything to do with him!! Police don’t arrest men for DV for nothing!!!

They don’t know the partner, he’s left his long term partner at some point, moved to a completely different area of the country and now this happened during the estrangement. We’ve been together for almost 5 years + I knew him a year before that as a friend and have never met this brother.

OP posts:

Nearly50omg · 16/07/2026 15:37

Why aren’t the family prioritising the abused partner???? Hell no!! I would make it VERY clear to your dp now that this man never comes in your house again and you NEVER want to meet up with him or have anything to do with him!! Police don’t arrest men for DV for nothing!!!

pikkumyy77 · 16/07/2026 15:29

I just don’t see how you can stay. Your DP and his tight knit family are going to constantly push you into either helping “rescue” his brother-the-rapist/abuser or they will treat you as a “persecutor”. Its straight up the drama triangle. They won’t let you stay outside of it for long.

You can’t be a noncombatant ir a conscientious objector. They will see it as “you are with us or against us.”

All the more so if your DP is in the rehabilitation business as he clearly has a natural fantasy associated with helpers (I am a social worker myself so I know) that with enough heroic intervention sinners can become saints and people can redeem themselves. Since the dear brother is seen by the family as the victim he will get all the coddling they can give him. Your need for safety will be ignored and even seen as an attack on the brothers community.

Original poster

malefields · 16/07/2026 15:15

Beccahm · 16/07/2026 13:42

I guess the thing for me would be...if your DP still wants to spend time with somebody who is capable of that, I wouldn't wanna be in the relationship.

Cos even you opt out, you know that your partner is ok with it all. It's tricky, I know it's complex because he feels he has a family bond with this guy and there's argument that once you've done your time you should be forgiven etc but...I dunno. Once someone has shown you who they are, believe them. And the fact your partner has seen who his brother is and isn't withholding some contact or passing quite considerable judgement about whether this is a good person to be around...that would make my decision for me.

People bleat on about the importance of family. IMHO it's rubbish. It's important to have great people in your life who uphold the same morals and principles as you, family or not.

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I think they’re all still in denial about it because he has no previous history of violence, temper, etc.

DP volunteers and works with rehabilitation so I know this is something very close to his heart as it is and I’m fine with it, I guess it just happened that he’s never known (that I know of) anyone involved in sexual violence. DP himself is lovely, which is why this is a massive bombshell in our relationship. I’m otherwise extremely happy with him but this has been distressing, to say the least.

OP posts:

Beccahm · 16/07/2026 13:42

malefields · 15/07/2026 22:15

@likelysuspect yeah but what sort of relationship does that become? It’s not a second cousin, it’s his brother. If they want birthdays etc together I’d have to constantly sit it out and they do quite a lot together, we just came back from a city break with his other siblings.

I suppose we’ll know more once there’s actually a sentencing, I just don’t know how long these things take.

I guess the thing for me would be...if your DP still wants to spend time with somebody who is capable of that, I wouldn't wanna be in the relationship.

Cos even you opt out, you know that your partner is ok with it all. It's tricky, I know it's complex because he feels he has a family bond with this guy and there's argument that once you've done your time you should be forgiven etc but...I dunno. Once someone has shown you who they are, believe them. And the fact your partner has seen who his brother is and isn't withholding some contact or passing quite considerable judgement about whether this is a good person to be around...that would make my decision for me.

People bleat on about the importance of family. IMHO it's rubbish. It's important to have great people in your life who uphold the same morals and principles as you, family or not.

midJulytarget · 16/07/2026 11:09

I'm afraid I'd also walk away, this is likely to be a permanent problem. If you have dc I'd think twice, but if not, I don't think the perpetual stress is worth it.

FWC2026 · 16/07/2026 11:00

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/07/2026 10:56

Ohhhh my post was hidden 🤫
Tl:dr this is lose lose.... he clearly wants his horrid brother in his life.

Irrespective of what he tells you now in 10 yrs he'll be taking the kids over to his parents when his brother is there and you'll be the bad guy.... and you'll be getting pressured into allowing him over for BBQs

I think this is a deal breaker tbh. With a heavy heart id be ending the relationship. Your dp already knows how awful he is and wants to support him

Edited

Agreed!

FWC2026 · 16/07/2026 11:00

malefields · 15/07/2026 22:15

@likelysuspect yeah but what sort of relationship does that become? It’s not a second cousin, it’s his brother. If they want birthdays etc together I’d have to constantly sit it out and they do quite a lot together, we just came back from a city break with his other siblings.

I suppose we’ll know more once there’s actually a sentencing, I just don’t know how long these things take.

But love, you don't need to know more. You already know more than enough that he's admitted to that you don't ever want to see him and I completely understand that so it really doesn't matter what other things he has done or what they can prove.

It is clear your DP wants to support his (previously estranged ) brother and do what he can to glue his dysfunctional family back together and in that he is willing to overlook his brother's behaviour, that's his choice but it's at too high a cost for you.

You deserve more after what you have been through than to be in the middle of all this dysfunctional, morally corrupt, behaviour.

You need to have your own back here, and as much as you might love DP, love yourself more and walk away.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/07/2026 10:56

Ohhhh my post was hidden 🤫
Tl:dr this is lose lose.... he clearly wants his horrid brother in his life.

Irrespective of what he tells you now in 10 yrs he'll be taking the kids over to his parents when his brother is there and you'll be the bad guy.... and you'll be getting pressured into allowing him over for BBQs

I think this is a deal breaker tbh. With a heavy heart id be ending the relationship. Your dp already knows how awful he is and wants to support him

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/07/2026 10:53

This reply has been hidden

This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

FWC2026 · 16/07/2026 10:51

MsSquiz · 15/07/2026 15:26

I have been in a similar position - DHs brother was abusive to his wife and their children while also fielding an alcohol problem.
SIL asked the family to intervene and get him sent to rehab. While he was in rehab she told him they would not be staying together, she had a non mol order against him, once he was out of rehab he was allowed to see the children via a 3rd party handover and he lived with his dad.

we all knew he was guilty of what he’d done but charges were never brought.
DH’s family backed him resolutely and acted like he was the victim and SIL was an abuser of sorts by not staying with him and keeping the family together.

DH and I have had numerous disagreements about BIL’s actions and behaviour but although now slightly distanced, he and his family stand by BIL.

I hate being around him, but have to suck it up to a point to allow the kids to all spend time with each other.

you may find yourself in a very similar situation

We all have to take our own decisions don't we ' life isn't easy. I can see why you made the choices you did, but in this situation she's not even married to this man yet and although they may want to have children, they don't already yet.

Personally, I think she would be better leaving her DP and getting away from his complex family situation where they are going to support an abusive man who has already admitted to more than enough to make her not want to ever see him & it's likely that there's even worse to come.

Yes, she might love him, but she needs to love herself more and walk away.