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MNHQ

Put your questions to Supernanny, Jo Frost, here

203 replies

JustineMumsnet · 06/01/2010 22:32

Jo Frost has been being Supernanny in the US for the last five years but she's shortly due back on our screens with a new show on Channel 4 - the Jo Frost Roadshow - a six part series sees Jo talking to Britain?s parents to find out which issues are really worrying them and which conundrums are driving them mad.

Ahead of the new series the Radio Times thought they'd like to field some real-life parental dillemas to Jo, to make sure she hasn't lost her touch and who better to come up with them than Mumsnetters? So if you'd like her take on any aspect of child-rearing or to hear her suggestions for solving any difficulties you are having with your child's behaviour (and please be as specific as possible) then fire away. We can't promise every question will get answered but we'll try for as many as we can.

Thanks
MNHQ

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GeraldineMumsnet · 05/02/2010 10:52

eccentricagallumbits: My daughter is 11. This is a list of things I'd like to fix:

  1. Eating - she only eats bread and chicken.
  2. School - she hates it and frequently refuses to go. no obvious reason, she just hates it.
  3. She swears and shouts and is generally verbally abusive.
  4. She breaks things.
  5. She is grumpy and negative about everything, all the time.
  6. She refuses to do homework of any sort.
  7. She won't try new things.
  8. She is so phobic about various things it rules her life.
  9. I defy you to fix her.

JoFrost: I think the most important thing here is a serious breakdown in communication. The fact is that she is only doing what 11 year olds do.

It is dangerous because you are going to create mileage between yourself and your daughter. You must lead by example. If she will only eat chicken and bread it is important to talk about it and perhaps allow her some choice of what food she eats.

Why does the child refuse to go to school? Don't ask questions which result in only a yes or no answer. Stimulate conversation; She?s just started secondary school, are there things she enjoys? Has she fitted in?

Are there changes in mood or behaviour where she is retreating to her room? Is there bullying? Explore everything and look for the signs so that your daughter can reach out and ask for help. It is the parents who have the ability to open the door so the child feels that they can ask for help.

MNHQ
GeraldineMumsnet · 05/02/2010 10:51

bicnod: How can I get my 8 month old to sleep better at night without using controlled crying/cry it out or any form of crying? He no longer feeds during the night and goes down for naps awake during the day and he's usually awake when first put to bed. Very occasionally he will sleep through so I know he can do it, but more often than not he wakes 2, 3, 4 or even 5 times in the night and needs rocking back to sleep. We need matchsticks to prop open our eyes most days!

JoFrost: We know that controlled crying does no psychological damage. This child goes to sleep in the afternoon while awake but needs rocking in the night time. In effect, the mother has become a human pacifier ? every time he wakes up she rocks him. The baby has learnt that if he cries enough mum will come back into the room and rock him for between five minutes and an hour and a half.

I have not found a situation where if the child is content with the food plan and milk they will not sleep at night. They need a technique in place. I would start by doubling the time before I go into the room when he cries. I have never been in a house longer where it takes longer than seven days to solve.

MNHQ
GeraldineMumsnet · 05/02/2010 10:50

pinky10: My little girl of four will not try anything new to eat, she just says 'yuk' and won't even try a spoonful. I think it all relates back to when we were on holiday when she was nearly two and we all got really bad stomach bugs. All she will really eat is Fruit, pizza if cheese and tomato, spaghetti with sauces with no lumps, sweet and sour noodles, toast and cereal.

Jo: Stop serving all the food she likes. A strong-willed girl will say I am not going to eat unless you give me what I want. When you hold ground and give your child a couple of choices so they feel they are in control, they will succumb.

In the Road Show I am going to help a family where the girl would not eat anything but Sugar Puffs. But when she is given a choice and she refuses then mother must pick one and the girl will pick the other and next time she will have the one she chooses. Leave the food for 30 minutes, but do not go and cook something else you know the child will like. It is incredibly important to hold ground or you have the beginning of faddy eating.

MNHQ
GeraldineMumsnet · 05/02/2010 10:50

trinityrhino: How can I stop my nine year old from hating my four year old? I know all about sibling rivalry but it is getting beyond it now.

Jo: First of all I would want to know when do I see this aggression and when does it happen and what do they do. Number one, the behaviour has to be dealt with using discipline. But the positive parenting aspect is to look at what the nine year old needs because somewhere the child is feeling compelled to punish the four year old to get your attention. Then you can build on creating a relationship between the two of them that brings more harmony. Create experiences that will enable a child of nine and four to enjoy being in each other?s company at the same time.

MNHQ
GeraldineMumsnet · 05/02/2010 10:50

shinyandnew: How can we stop our two and a half year old daughter getting in our bed at night. She comes in around two every night and when she comes in she throws temper tantrums and tries to dislodge us from the bed. We put up with this for the first few nights as we thought it was a one off but his has been going on for three weeks now and when we try and put her back to bed she screams the house down please help a very tired mum.

JoFrost: When you accepted the situation your child realised that screaming the house down was the ace card. It was taught behaviour overnight. Any parent living in a block of flats should put a note through the doors of the neighbours to let them know that they are doing a sleeping technique to get back into sync with their routine. It should take no more than five to seven days.

MNHQ
GeraldineMumsnet · 05/02/2010 10:49

Hello, Jo has come back with answers to some of your questions, which we'll post in a moment, and she'll be coming back with a few more.

Esty · 03/02/2010 19:43

FAO TIA
Don't know if this is the right place to post replies to these questions?

I saw your question in the Radio Times today and it set alarm bells ringing because I went through exactly the same with my son at the same age. Whilst Jo's answer about communication MAY be right (we tried it, got nowhere...) my first reaction was "Has she got Asperger Syndrome?" All of the things you describe are typical of it, right down to her age. Apologies if this has been replied to before somewhere else, but I only joined to let you know so you don't spend two years battling schools and doctors like we did.Most of the problems are due to hypersensitivity which is a common feature of Aspergers. Turns out my son couldn't cope with school because people might bump into him (he hates being touched), it was too loud (sensitive hearing)and he gets completely thrown by unexpected changes such as substitute teachers..He eats limited food becasue spicy things are jsut too heightened an experience - smells and tastes can make him feel ill. He is very bright but he does not see the point in writing (he can remember everything) so refused to do homework. No amount of rewards/ sanctions worked at first because he found it so awful he would rather have nothing than go to school. I would do lots of research and get a referral from your doctor to have her checked out - the normal reward/ sanction things tend not to work on kids with AS so you could save yourself a lot of heartache. I didn't think my son had AS at first as he has some qualities you wouldn't expect with it, but the more complex a syndrome you discover it is, the more things fit than don't.
Also, because their emotion and communication wires are all over place, you could ask her til she was blue in the face why she can't go to school and she won't know - she will only know that she can't.

Beauregard · 09/01/2010 20:50

How do i stop my nearly 4 year old from hurting herself(punches head and digs nails into her face) when she is angry? and to talk and not shout at the top of her voice?

Lizzzombie · 08/01/2010 22:17

Another nearly 3 year old who doesn't sleep through here. He knows not to do it. He knows he will be rewarded with stickers and ultimately a prize for staying in his own bed. But he still won't stay there.
We spend hours of a night sitting in his room with him.
I'm knackered.

Please can Jo Frost come and do an episode with my son?
He also bites still and he is a very fussy eater.
I'm exhausted.

feralgirl · 08/01/2010 11:54

Have you revised your attitude to extended BFing since being criticised for advising a mother of a 17 month old to quit cold-turkey a couple of years ago?

GreenMonkies · 08/01/2010 11:51

ShineyAndNew, the more she sleeps with you, the less wriggly she will be. She will "learn" bed-manners, especially if you tell her to lie still and explain that she needs to be less wriggley. I have explained to my youngest (3½) that it's fine to get in with us if she wakes up in the night, just not to wake us. So now I wake up some mornings and she's there, all snuggled up, and I have no idea when she came in as she just got in and lay down quietly and went back to sleep. Every one's a winner!

ShinyAndNew · 07/01/2010 23:57

GreenMonkies that was my answer to DH when he said that we were 'making a rod for our backs' and that she would never sleep in her own bed, if we let her continue.

Yes, darling you are entirely right. She will still be crawling in with us, complete with new partner when she is 21.

It bothers him more than me. T'would be nice to have my bed back though. She is very wriggly.

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/01/2010 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GreenMonkies · 07/01/2010 22:56

Bicnod and Hubbabubbabba just rock/breastfeed your babies back to sleep. They don't have sleep problems, you have unrealistic expectations (ie, that they should be sleeping all night, going to sleep by alone from awake etc) and the best way to make your lives better and to get more sleep is to accept that this is normal baby behaviour, stop trying to make them behave in an unnatural way (sleeping alone, sleeping for 12 hours without waking etc) and put them in your bed with you so they are content and secure.

dawntigga co-sleep and breastfeed when she wakes.

Shineyandnew and callmeovercautious, just let them sleep with you!!! They won't do it forever, they will grow out of it. But the more you try to make them go back to their own bed the more they will try and get in with you, It's an acceptance and reassurance thing. Once they know they are allowed to sleep in with you, they will chill and feel secure and stop waking in the night so much.

And ssd I totally agree, 100%!!!!!!

cheesesarnie · 07/01/2010 21:59

oh and 4 yr old is king,he rules myself,dh,dd and ds1.i don't know where or how to start disciplining him.

cheesesarnie · 07/01/2010 21:58

thought of something-

ds2 has just turned 4 and is still wetting his pants often(actually alot).i dont think its an infection as hes fine at nursery and the cm's-uses the toilet,returns in same clothing as i dropped him off in.....but at home he can have 4 accidents in an hour some days.hes mostly fine if naked(which he likes to be)but will still sometimes just wee!its so frustrating.weve tried different potties,different toilet seats,reward charts,new 'special' pants,praise,rewards of choc buttons or pennies.all sorts!i admit at times weve got cross(yep i know i shouldnt).but what do i do!the hv advice was to put him back in nappies but i just didnt agree as hes fine at cm and nursery and had done very well to begin with.he was about 2 when we started potty training-he wanted to wear pants,we didnt push it.he did amazingly well for a few months and then his beloved granny died and since then its been mostly down hill!

sorry for huge post!and this is only one of our problems!dont even get me started on our 8 year old!please come and live with us.

callmeovercautious · 07/01/2010 21:33

Hi Jo

Another one here with a Toddler climbing into bed with them.

I am exhausted after 3 years of broken nights. ANY advice is welcome

ShinyAndNew · 07/01/2010 21:27

I have one of those Chegirls. She gets up of a night when she is not meant to . Me and Dh sit in the living room all ready to show her our faces and pack her sraight off to bed again, when she pops her little head around the door, with a huuge cheeky grin.

I'd like to expand on my question (T'is on the first page) well dh'S question. I was suffering from the aftermath of toddler chicken pox and was safely tucked up in bed by that time of night.

She doesn't tantrum when she gets into our bed. She only starts doing that if DH whinges at her. Mainly she will just get in between us, but she is very wriggly.

We could and should put her straight back into her own room, I know that. But she shares her room with dd1 who is school aged. And our house is an old house (v. thin walls) with young children next door.

She would scream bloody murder for hours if we sent her back into her own room. Thus disturbing not only dd1's sleep, but the neighbours too.

chegirlsgotheartburn · 07/01/2010 20:56

How do you cope with a 2 year old who is simply too gorgeous to be disciplined in anyway?

Its a serious dilemma for me.

I worry.

princessllama · 07/01/2010 20:23

kazkiss i am going to tell my friend about the beanbag, sorry i read it only after posted

LynetteScavo · 07/01/2010 20:21

SamAsYou, DS1 was a bit like this,(He's much better now he's 11) but not so extreme. Once he decided on something he liked, we could never change it. Our mantra was "never deviate from the norm" I decided with people like this, it's a case of choosing your battles, so if always using the same cup makes life easier, just go along with it.

I'd be very interested if Nanny Jo had any advice.

princessllama · 07/01/2010 20:20

my friend's son is 19 months and keeps whacking his head on the floor when he gets upset. he seems to do it instead of having a full on screaming tantrum. if he's on carpet he gets up and finds somewhere with a harder surface to bang his head. he's quite calm about the whole thing. he has reasonable understanding and conversation for his age and seems very normal in every other respect. she tries not to react and diverts his attention but nothing is working. any suggestions?

Sparkles07 · 07/01/2010 20:02

oh another one...

My 4 month old baby will only go to sleep when she's rocked. I've tried leaving her to scream but it doesn't work. I have a rocking chair so its not too much of a hardship, but I'm worried that when she goes to nursery she wont nap for them, as they won't spend the time to rock her to sleep like I do.

Thank you Jo!

SameAsYou · 07/01/2010 19:58

Hi Lynette - he was 4 on Boxing Day. My DS is 7 weeks younger. Do you have any experience on this?

Trikken · 07/01/2010 19:04

jo- my three and half year old still wont poo on the toilet, only in his pants tho is ok with weeing. have you any tips for helping me get him to go as I have tried sitting and reading with him, bribery and also reward charts but nothing has worked so far. Thanks x