Young people and alcohol. Advice, tips and opinions needed

isnt the letting kids haev a bit young been shown to be a crap idea now - sure there was a report recently.

I also think parents TALK about being drunk in front of kids too much, which i see as distasteful.

as far as mine are concenred ( 11 9 and 6) i am never drunk or never notice

if i was that inebriated in front of them surely i would be " drink in charge of a child"

Rhubarb

completely agree that public binge drinking does not really happen in France.

But you do have to ask yourself who is buying all that red wine with the screw tops at a pound a litre ... Might not be teenage bingers, but it probably is alcoholics (well, it was when I bought it, anyway.)

I think my point is that it is desirable in and of itself to prevent teenage binge drinking, because that's how a lot of youngsters who otherwise DON'T have a drink problem get hurt.

But this in itself will not actually do much to prevent the same sort of proportion of teenagers growing up to be problem drinkers in adulthood. They're just more likely to do it at the bar or in their own home ...

Cannot imagine DD wanting to party with children that are any younger than 15 tbh. They opened up the local nightclub to under 18's just recently. They went to 2 then stopped because years 8,9 and 10's had cottoned on.

i am responsible for my teenagers. I will not universally parent random 13 year olds that might be at a party my daughter attends.

(which isn't likely)

the parents of that should parent their child. I have to draw a line somewhere.

Same here Noddy, I don't encourage it but don't have a blanket ban either. So far so good and it hasn't been my DD out cold in the park yet!

But I think that by allowing them to go out to parties with alcohol, you are also saying it's ok for the other children to drink at those parties too, some of whom may be younger than your kids.

And it puts pressure on those teens who don't turn up with alcohol.

Because let's face it, at 15 they are not adults. They might think they are, but they aren't.

Repeat all of this back to me once my two become teens

That is what I have tried to do custy and it appears to have furthered the trust between us.I don't encourage him to drink and if I had nmy way he would be tucked up with cocoa but I do feel I have some clue what is going on Have seen girls out cold in the park and it is terrifying.

i think binge drinking in parks is a british cultural thing.

i think what i am saying is that - yes, i allow my twins to go to a party and have a drink, 'managing' the situation as best as i can, becuase the culture is such that they may go out and get a bottle of cider and end up passed out in a park. I manage the risk.

I give a little leeway and get a lot in return with regards to relationship with children and openness and honesty and most of all safety.

I think it is fundementally wrong to treat a 15 yr old as one would a 10 year old.

noddy, we'll have to agree to disagree.

MIFLAW someone else said that her experience which was much like yours, was the reason she didn't drink.

So who really knows what the factor is in becoming an alcoholic or not.

I don't doubt there are alcoholics in France, but binge-drinking is not common there at all. You don't get gangs of youths on the street corner with cans of Stella or fighting outside pubs and nightclubs. It just doesn't happen.

They are not being encouraged though the parents are acknowledging what is already going on and tbh it is easier to 'police' at a aprty than in the park or on the beach!We are not talking plying teens with alcohol just being involved in what they are already doing

Rhubarb

In my experience alcoholism is a massive problem in France.

It just doesn't get diagnosed as often as here, precisely because drinking is such a part of "normal" life and because it leads less often to "anti-social" behaviour.

My parents also took your approach to alcohol - ie little and often, don't glamourise it or forbid it, etc. I ended up a raging alcoholic.

Not saying your (and their) approach caused this by any means - but it didn't prevent it either.

I don't doubt the way you have brought your ds is the best way for you. What I question is allowing him to take alcohol into underage parties and those parents who allow teens to bring alcohol into their own homes to drink with their friends. Because not every child has that fantastic upbringing and therefore should not be encouraged to drink when they are underage, or put under any pressure to drink themselves.

But you advocate the french way which is extremely like how we have socialised over the years inc ds and still the teens of these families want to drink cider with their mates.My ds knows intellectually that drinking sensibly with food is the 'middle class' message but still prefers his way i would think.As I said I would rather know what he has had than drink a potion concocted in someones bedroom.I don't claim to have all the answers but think I have prob given this more thought than most as dp is a recovering alcoholic and really do think it has worked for US.

Yes but the trouble is that not every teen is as sensible as your son. There is peer pressure amongst teens to drink, there was when I was a teen and I don't see any changes to that. My teenage nieces have gone to parties and drank so much they've ended up in hospital. They say you'd be laughed at if you didn't drink. The parties were often held in other parents houses - it makes you wonder what the parents were thinking. Supplying a minor is against the law and I would not hesitate to shop someone if I knew they were doing this.
The media is one thing, the stats are another. We have a responsibility as parents - unless the government want to introduce safe drinking lessons in schools too.

Maybe but I am just talking about my experience.

Well perhaps you should try living where I live and have lived in the past.

Rhubarb it is responsible for all those things but there are kids necking all sorts in the park then turning up at parties.I have talked to ds and friends and pressure doesn't seem to figure as highly as the media suggests.I thought that too and it seems some people are just more likely than others. They were all here for pizza before the last party and I had wine they had coke .If there are no beers in our fridge ds still goes out happily and it is not an issue.Dp collects him and often a couple will stay over here they never bring alcohol here i wouldn't allow it but at a birthday party i would rather have some level of control and ds doesn't seem bothered either way.We have had the 'phone us no matter what happens and no matter who'and ds knows that.I think the press coverage depicting 'terrible teens'is misleading.The sort of person who ends up out cold smashed in the street has usually got other things going on and is using alcohol to medicate but that is the exception

I haven't got teenagers and will leave that side to the experts but I am 21 so my own teenage drinking isn't such a distant memory. I won't answer the questions as such but will just offer what I think helped me not go off the rails.

Firstly, before I started drinking (maybe age 14/15? I was a late starter I think, but most of my friends were the same) my mum brought it up just as a casual, jokey sort of conversation - probably in relation to someone being "humourously" drunk on TV or something like that. She told me stories of when she had been drunk which were funny, so I felt like it was more of a sharing conversation rather than a lecture. But she did try to describe the feeling of being sick while drunk or how the room spins every time you close your eyes and you want to go to sleep but you can't because closing your eyes makes you feel sick.

Then as part of this conversation (when I was relaxed, we were chatting, I didn't feel "preached to") she gave me the best piece of advice - if you feel sick when you sip a drink, you have probably reached your limit and it's time to stop drinking. If someone offers to buy/get you a drink at this point say no thanks, and if they buy you one anyway then just don't drink it - if they choose to waste their money when you've said you don't want it, that's their problem.

The other thing that helped was knowing I could talk to her about anything and generally having a good, open relationship - I wasn't tempted to lie about things because I didn't need to.

Well I'm not sure that sending them out to parties with alcohol is the answer. You just said it, no-one aged 16 at a party will be without a drink. So there lies the pressure.

And if we condone that as parents, then we have no high ground if it gets out of hand.

tbh when I was a teen, drinking frightened me. I didn't go to parties because I was scared of my mother (terrified) but I was also frightened of what drink did to people and terrified of the pressure I'd be put under to drink.

I don't want my kids to experience that and I won't allow my home to be used for that, or encourage any other kid to use their home as a drinking den.

Yes these things go on, but it doesn't mean we have to shrug our shoulders and turn a blind eye. Drink is responsible for a lot of unwanted pregnancy stats amongst teenagers, it's responsible for regretful sexual experiences amongst teenagers, it's responsible for fights amongst teenagers and tragic deaths.

My son was probably the last of his friends to drink tbh and has one beer sporadically.I prefer him to have one decent beer than some of them who swig anything from lemonade bottles(recently dodgy vodka in brighton being sold for a fiver i was terrified)I think there would be no teenagers at a party without a drink at 16.I wouldn't say I was liberal just realistic.Ds gets quizzed on his return and laughs at us but he has seen the effects of drink and drugs and is not unaware of the facts.You really can't police your kids 24/7 and not many parents would be able to find out exactly what goes on.Some of ds friends with strict parents are the worst!

We drink wine with meals several times a week, my stepkids age 14 & 16 and DD aged 2 all eat together. We've talked about alcohol and sensible drinking but also acknowledge that occasional overindulgence is going to happen and to be honest - can also be a lot of fun! SS aged 16 is allowed the occasional drink at home, SD aged 14 doesn't like it and prefers a soft drink. I hope we are providing them with the knowledge to make their own choices in life. We can't be with them all the time, but we can largely control their access to alcohol at this age.
A chum of DH has v diff attitude - he will happily drop his underage kids off at a beach party with alcohol and think nothing of it. Shrugs his shoulders and thinks this is quite normal.

Well noddy, if your son came to my house with beer he wouldn't get in the door. And if you held a party and provided the teens with alcohol then I would certainly confront you about it.

Because I do think that liberal parents are inadvertently putting pressure on other teens to drink. After all, they don't want to be the only ones without a beer do they? And if you, a parent, say it's ok then surely it must be ok for them too?

So my post wasn't directly aimed at you no, or I would have addressed you, but at all parents who happily provide their kids with alcohol to go to parties.

Rhubarb I didn't see that last post am assuming it is directed at me

I have found our openness in letting ds take a beer or two from the fridge has been fine.I don't think any kids at these parties are not having at least a glass and tbh ds often has come back with a beer still in his bag.I don't want my ds hanging around older kids asking them to buy stuff from shops for him.It is only in the situation that you can decide whats best.My dp is a recovering alcoholic and we have had to be rational about it as many non drinkers demonise drink and end up with more trouble.My ds has never been to a party without parents back at midnight so it seems safe enough.I think you feel your way with your own child.All ds contemporaries seem to have a similar level of freedom in this area we know all the parents bar a couple and we have always socialised together and alcohol has been there.

Actually I feel quite surprised and annoyed that so many parents are willing to supply their kids with alcohol to go to a party, or let them have a party that serves alcohol. Because that puts pressure on other kids to bring alcohol so they are part of the crowd.

I would have very strong words with any parent I knew who did this. It's not on at all.