Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Site stuff

Join our Innovation Panel to try new features early and help make Mumsnet better.

Original poster

Could you help someone escaping Domestic Abuse??????

58 replies

Mamazon · 17/11/2009 18:43

As im sure your all aware Domestic abuse is a massive problem in our society and resources to help women escape are scarce.
On MN alone there are many many women that are either struggling to leave or have finally left and are now struggling to get settled.

Now Mehdismummy has given me a most fantastic idea and i am keen toput it into action, but i need the help of all of you most fabulous MNers. we all know how generous you are -me more than most- and so i am counting on you to help get this off the ground.

I have an enormous cupboard at my house (it is about the size of a box room almost) and with your friends i hope to fill it with little bits and pieces that women could use as essential items when they first leave. things like clothes, nappies, kettles, pots and pans etc etc.

When a woman leaves these items are invaluable in those early days so i would put together "first day" boxes and post to them.
they could be tailored to theh individual needs of the people in general but basically they could offer a but of support to cover them until community care grants and other funds kick in.

It would be my hope that once we have a core amount of "stock" we could even get a few bits to help from MN supporting businesses.

Now theh idea was only put to me this afternoon so i haven;t quite ironed out all theh kinks but what do we think? anyone have any other bits of advice or things to think about?? or even anything they think they could possibly donate?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
muggglewump · 21/11/2009 16:18

I'm doing my monthly Asda online shop this week so I'll add something to my order.
Some towels/cutlery/toaster. That sort of thing. I'll see what they have that's useful.

dittany · 21/11/2009 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindt · 21/11/2009 16:01

Mamazon
Just noticed this. I think that it is a fab idea.

Not much point in me posting unwanted stuff from Switzerland but I would be happy to donate something toward the cost of PO box if that would help preserve your anonymity.

Or chocolate.

Original poster
Mamazon · 20/11/2009 18:02

oooh wow! hadn't realised you were on here. feel very honoured

I have re emailed to that addy so look forward to hearing from you soon.

OP posts:
womensaid · 20/11/2009 10:18

Hi Mamazon

We noticed your post and just wanted to check you had received a response from someone at Women's Aid. If not, please give us a call on 01179 444 411 or you can email us at [email protected] and we will be happy to talk through your proposal and see if we can help in any way.

Alternatively, if you would like contact a local Women's Aid service in your area, please see our directory for your nearest Women's Aid.

Thank you all very much for your support of our cause,

Women's Aid National Office

Original poster
Mamazon · 18/11/2009 20:30

hello all.
This is why i have posted the idea here before actyually trying to launch it as an actual campaign/charity/whatever you want to call it.

Its all your very wise heads full of information.

I have contacted Womens aid, and outlined what it is i am wanting to do and asked if they had any advice or could help in any way. Im still awaiting a reply.

I would need to give my address out to people wanting to donate which is why i proposed asking for their address and posting an address label to them. that way they only get my details if the address they have given is correct. i would keep that address for a short period just in case there was need.

I would initially just be offering the service to those on MN. i would imagine once its up and running people on the relationships threads would get to hear of it and could pass on the details to anyone who may need it.
I would be posting out items to ladies once they had left, or to an address they have told me is safe. I would always make sure that i was doing nothing that could endanger them further. thankfully i have been through this for so long with Xp that i have learned to be extra cautious as far as covering your tracks is concerned.
I must admit that it did cross my mind about my own ex but i think we are gar enough down the line to be past that.

I know there is a risk. but i think that in the grand scheme it is a relativly small one and i am willing to chance it. of course if it gets a bit scarey i will call an end immediatly.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 18/11/2009 15:27

I think it's a great idea in principle. Just a couple of things though:

How are you going to make yourself known to these women in order that they know you have items to help them with?

Also how are you going to get the items to them - posting is surely not an option as if they are in a controlling relationship chances are that an abusive partner will be checking mail etc, and something as bulky as a parcel may put the woman at greater risk.

And lastly, how are you going to ensure your own safety? I would imagine that in order to help these women in some way you will have to give them some personal details about yourself, as if they are fleaing an abusive relationship their trust is going to be dented and they're surely going to be reluctant to accept help from someone if they know nothing about them. Which puts you at potential risk imo - if it becomes known that you offer this service (and posting about it on mn means that it is likely to become known) then there is a risk that men who do abuse their partners might pose as victims of dv in order to get to you iyswim.

Don't get me wrong I think it's a fabulous idea, but I do also think that your safety is paramount, and that by doing this alone without the backup of WA or similar organization you are potentially putting yourself in danger, so this does need to be considered.

llareggub · 18/11/2009 13:39

Great idea!

As it happens I cleared out my wardrobe yesterday and I have some clothes that I could donate. I'll keep them until you are ready.

PixieOnaLeaf · 18/11/2009 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nickelbabe · 18/11/2009 13:10

(and not just sent up a PO box, but set up a special email address for the purpose)

nickelbabe · 18/11/2009 13:09

as for the legal stuff: PAT testing and the cost of a PO Box - if people are giving monetary donations via paypal, could there be an option that people could say if they were okay with their donation going towards that kind of thing?

because you'd also have to pay for postage.

It might be worth trying to get some kind of secure weblink set up so that you would only need users to log their request for help and their forwarding address so that you can then send stuff on to them.

SkipToMyLou · 18/11/2009 13:04

I'm sure I can turf out all sorts, would you also need donations towards postage costs? More than happy to help with vouchers too.

Thinking about it, is this something we could do on a regional basis? Rather than just having you collecting/sending, we could have someone in each county running something locally? (DH will kill me for this, he's just got his garage cleared out )

SolosScrapingUpForXmas · 18/11/2009 12:56

I see what you are saying Mamazon, but you would still be taking responsibility for the docs and personally, I'd be very wary of doing that. People with good intentions are often left scape goats or the brunt of blame. Maybe there is another way of dealing with legal docs ~ just to safe guard yourself?

The idea though is a fabulous one.

Original poster
Mamazon · 18/11/2009 01:47

hadn't thought about public liabilty. just figured if we did it on a small enough scale it would be more like a friendly heloing hand rather than an official charity.

the legal documents, thats why i said i'd take them as long as they were in a sealed envelope. that way i wouldn't need to see them or have actual access to them, just store them for a while and then forward them on.

SGb - not too far from Coulsden, Im Near Gatwick. yes boxes would be great. was thinking of firing off a couple of emails to removals companies begging but if you have some they'd be great. as would your other offers.

OP posts:
SolosScrapingUpForXmas · 18/11/2009 01:06

Lovely idea. Don't know if taking passports and other legal/important documents is a good idea though. It's a hell of a responsibility and in this day and age of identity theft...?!

SolidGoldBangers · 18/11/2009 00:49

I could certainly send you some clothes (both for under 5 DSs and adult women) as well as odds and ends of toiletries - I'm an Avon rep and frequently have spare bits and pieces from multi-pack orders etc - all in perfect unused nick. i also have a certain amount of other-brand bath stuff etc that people give me for Xmas but which (with a house ful of Avon stuff) I don't need.
And books - I have tons of books that need purging at intervals.
Oh, and another thing you might want is a stock of sturdy cardboard boxes which, again, I have shedloads of (I usually put them on the local freecycle/swap site and swap them for beer).

I have a feeling you live not too far from me - is it Coulsdon? I could lug stuff over to you/meet you in a public place/even bring a sack ful to the Xmas meet .

Tortington · 18/11/2009 00:44

sorry to piss on the parade, but i would worry about a volunteer without the backup of a big charity and its insurance policy and access to a lawyer with regards to electric items - this could be taken further toys etc - but i think thats too far

even in charity shops the electrical items are pat tested - something worth researching.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 18/11/2009 00:40

mamazon

maybe a PO box is the way to go for anonymity. It does cost a little, but I would be happy to contribute to the cost of it, just to make it easier for people to donate without you compromising your personal details.

Original poster
Mamazon · 17/11/2009 23:59

cheeky bump for the evening crowd

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamazon · 17/11/2009 22:14

yes penona - basically anything you think would be usefull. if you no longer need it, instead of throwing it out sned it to me and i can then forward it to people that are in need.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamazon · 17/11/2009 21:50

Basically if the lady is lucky enough to get a place at a refuge she wont need the household bits so books and toiletries would be a welcome comfort and depending on what they were able to bring with them, clothes and nappies etc could be needed.

When they have to move into an empty flat or B&B in such a rished way its those peole that would need the kettle/toaster sort of things. bedding and towels would also be very welcome.

Christmas is a very busy time for Womens aid as its a pressure point for many relationships and for some reason a lot of women find it motivation to leave abusive partners so i would imagine there would be a greater need shortly afterwards.

Unwanted gifts of smellies and other items that a woman in thaht situation would consider a luxury would be great.

Sospan - what i mean is that if she is in a town in essex i could look for information on local furniture charities, church organisations that could offer help, local schools etc. if she doesn't have the internet she may find it difficult to track down such information herself.
even a local area map and library opening times would be invaluable.

OP posts:
penona · 17/11/2009 21:21

Just seen this, linked from the campaigns thread. Sounds a great idea. I have loads of baby stuff/toys thta I would love to go to a DV place but haven't found a local one yet!
Also, after Christmas might be lots of things we would otherwise take to the charity? I often get packs of toiletries from well-meaning relatives that I can't use (allergies!), maybe others get unwanted pants or socks or something? If we had an alert after Christmas might get some nice new things too??

What sort of things were you thinking? eg towels, bedding, crockery? Clean and not shabby, just not wanted any more?

itsmeolord · 17/11/2009 21:14

Mamazon I have quite a few bits I can donate, clothing, some kitchen bits, some books as well. (i found when I was in a refuge and then moved into my own place that a lack of hifi/tv left me too much time to think/panic. A book to read would have been a welcome distraction.)

I would probably fill my car boot so am happy to drive to met you somewhere convenient if you are happy to do so. I can email you my address so that you can check me out first if that helps.

I have cat, feel free to let me know what you think.

BitOfFun · 17/11/2009 21:06

Fantastic idea Mamazon, I would certainly contribute.

Sospan · 17/11/2009 21:06

What do you mean by local info? Women's Aid refuges will have a pretty good idea of support available in their area - you can find a list of them here or you could call their Helpline (it's not just for emergencies although it does get pretty busy I think).

A lot of refuges do have internet access so if a woman ends up at one she should be able to find what she needs, staff should be able to help too.

Would it be worth you trying to contact a local refuge to run your plan past them and get an idea of what women will really need? I know that some refuges will already have a stock of certain things but others are harder to get their hands on.