Ban dads from the birth? Your thoughts please!

I gave birth yesterday. I wanted DH there, I needed him there. He was the person who could translate grunts and gestures into "she needs to push", he knew when I needed holding, when I needed space.

Plus it is HIS CHILD why shouldn't he be there???

No banning ever. My dad is still upset that he wasn't allowed in for my birth as I was breech.

By the way, I always loved Michel Odent, and wanted him with me when I had my babies.

How lovely to have a birth with a supportive partner by your side. I only had a succession of disinterested midwives with DC1 - a bewildered, extremely passive exh with DC2 and with DC3 the same exh who thought because he'd 'gone through' it before that he knew it all & I had to put up with him talking over my bump to the midwife, then when I was gripped by contractions they both stopped talking and looked at me making me very self-conscious, even in advanced labour. If I'd had more DCs I wouldn't have wanted him with me, but everyone's different and it has to be an individual choice.

Free choice surely

It is ludicrous and purely publicity seeking to suggest otherwise - however the current expectation is that the fatehr will be present, perhaps that should be challenged such that there is no assumption made.

"Am I unreasonable to think that the medical profession (doctors and midwives) would prefer it if Dads were not there because they can control vulnerable women?
"

Well that depends on whether that is your experience or not. It isn't mine. I felt that the health professionals were 100% on my side. And of course there is a risk that the father tries to control the birth too unless he and his wife are 100% in agreement.

And FWIW I am not and was not ever a 'vulnerable' woman

I wouldn't have liked to do any of my births (3) without dh especially dc3 as gave birth in the car and he kept a very cool head in the final stage of labour whilst driving. He then helped deliver dc3 who pushed my waters out.

The other thing about the article that I disagree with is the bit that says that men may suffer a kind of post natal depression because they witness the birth.

I think men do suffer a kind of postnatal depression - but not because of witnessing the birth. It happens because of the sense of being lost and overwhelmed, not sure what to do with the baby, feeling unconnected to the baby and what your relationship is with DW/DP anymore. Being left out and excluded from the birth could well make that worse for many men.

I personally couldnt of coped without my DH, what a silly idea in the first place!

I was at home for most of DS's birth, with my bf (female) dp (male) and a homebirth mw. There were times i wanted to just be on my own or on my own with dp, and that's what I did. dp was brilliant throughout, and I was elated that he was there at the birth of his child.

Any birth partner needs to be able to focus in on the labouring woman and be totally sensitive to her needs (listening to the footie would have seen dp OUT on his ear!) But if a woman feels comfortable with a birth partner, and the birth partner is sensitive in supporting the woman's needs, then all to the better if that person is the father of the baby.

I felt it bonded us as parents, and certainly dp was as attentive and hands-on father of a newborn as any could be.

I think it should be down to the person who is giving birth.

Personally, I didn't have DP with me when DD was born I had my mom with me and I wouldn't have him with me next time either - he's happy with whatever I opt for.

Am I unreasonable to think that the medical profession (doctors and midwives) would prefer it if Dads were not there because they can control vulnerable women?

When DS1 was born the midwife put a chair in the far corner of the room and told me to sit there while she attended to my wife and made it clear she was not keen to have me there. She even ofFered to bring a matress so I could go to sleep. Then she went off shift and at midnight no one had come to see my wife for nearly 2 hours until I went to find someone and have a showdown with doctor and MW to ask who exactly was in charge - they both looked at each other blank.

When DS2 was born the MW refused to let DW have an epidural by pretending the anethetists were too busy. She did not know that - she just refused to pick up the phone and tried to bully my wife even thouh she was haing a very painful back-to-back birth. It was only when I stood over the MW and demanded she pick up the phone that she eventually agreed and magically the epidural arrived in 5 minutes.

Once DS2 had been born the MW failed to notice DW as bleeding heavily and had nearly 2 pints of blood until I pointed out the spreading puddle on the floor.

As it happened - I also wanted to be there to see my children born. I would never advocate man being forced to go to see his children born if he does not want to but a calm engaged and willing birth partner is very important.

The choice should be up to the parents. DH was there and thank heavens for that. My Mum had died many years before and my relatives are too far. Also, DH was allowed to room-in with us and that was invaluable to have that extra support and help after giving birth, rather than him being sent home after visiting hours. I was a little bit tender after a very fast birth.

Why should he get to sit in some nice comfy waiting room , enjoying tea and biccies and be presented with a lovely baby after all the hard work is done

I cannot see how your dh/p can make labour more difficult , my dp nearly missed dc3 birth as he was having his tea i would have been mortified!!!! After they watch you go through all the pain i definately think it brings you all closer together , those moments afterwards with baby and the two of you are treasured and the more special both of you knowing what it took to get there imo

Odent always seems a lovely chap hatwoman. I have his book Birth Reborn on my shelf and I still read it from time to time.

I wasn't scared in childbirth - a bit overwhelmed perhaps first time - but I felt that the professionals with me were on my side not against me.

Isn't Odent talking more about people who panic, don't really help and generally add contagious adrenaline to a situation?

Most on here appear to have had supportive, soothing partners whose help was conducive to a positive labour experience.

Not everybody is lucky enough to have that. Many do panic, pass out, fluster, do nothing helpful etc.

Also, perhaps some men/birth partners would really like the option not to be present but feel they don't have the right to say so?

Personally, I've a lot of respect for Odent. He's got some far out ideas but I don't think this one is necessarily so massively radical. It is of course up to the family concerned but Odent's highlighting this could also help a lot of people.

i think I may be getting confused...I just thought I had a memory of being very annoyed by him in the past...but googling fails to show anything up.

isn't odent known for spouting off about childbirth in an "i know more about birth than you lot" patronising very male way? dh delivered dd2. unlike me he remembered everything it said in the baby books about what to do if you have to deliver your own child. including not to cross your legs in a vain attempt to keep the baby in...!

I have had two homebirths and only managed becuase of DH - he was one thing I could focus on in a sea of pain.

Nobody has the right to tell me how I should labour, what is best, where or who should be present. It is a deeply personal decison and has profound impacts on how the woman deals with labour.

I'd second the fact that midwives aren't necessarily with you throughout labour Although I had good midwife support (in a MLU) with my first birth, with my second birth (in hospital) we only saw a midwife for the pushing bit. If it had been my first baby and if I had been alone I would have been terrified.

A supportive birth partner, whether partner, doula, mum, sister, friend, can make a huge difference for good. 'Banning' looses the message that support is good - who-ever is there.

I think Odent does tend to encounter lovely independent midwife-attended births, yes...

And I missed the fact that you'd had your baby -- Congratulations? How is life with three?

I presume Odent is presuming there WILL actually be a midwife there for more than just the end 5 mins.

In practice there aren't enough midwives so odds are you are going to be left on your own for most of the labour, and since hospitals encourage you to be at home until the last possible moment (and for good reasons) you may spend a fair bit of it in the car. In these circs, a dh is damn useful.

As for the last bit, I actually had no idea whether dh had been in the ambulance the other week when I had ds2 and I had to ask him afterwards

I think the bottom line is that we are so far from having ideal, natural situations in which to give birth in this country, for most women, that worrying about whether, if everything else was ideal, you would still want a dp there, is a bit irrelevant.

Dare I say it, but one thing that came out of the NCT classes we attended was that DH's attendance at the birth wasn't compulsory - it just had to be someone who would be able to help and support. I think the whole banning of husbands from the delivery rooms kind of smacks of the return of the good 'ol days when women should know their place and not argue with men in white coats ...

Goodness, I would never have made it through either birth without DH, he was amazing. He really wanted to be there too, he'd have been so upset to have missed being there for me and seeing our boys come into the world.

That is despite me warning him that I may get nasty and start blaming him if (!) I was in pain . I didn't as it goes, was enjoying my iced water and handsqueezes too much.

I can imagine that some men may be more of a hindrance tbh, if DH had really not wanted to be there then it may have been a different matter.

I think it should be down the people involved to make the choice.

I wanted my dp to be there and he wanted to be there and we were both glad he was.

I wouldn't have wanted to do it without him.

He also got to do the skin to skin contact with ds as I collapsed which I was very pleased with.

No one should be forced to have the father in the room but no one should be banned either.