Ban dads from the birth? Your thoughts please!

Carrie it sounds like you did brilliantly and said an amazing amount in a short time - that is a terrific summary of the thread

ooh i liked your cardi carrie, nice colour

he was obsessed with dogma wasn't he! you were very good though got more said than him in a much shorter time

In Spain partners are not allowed. However mothers (or Mothers In Law perish the thought) I think are permitted in some hospitals. Unless you go private, in which case partners are allowed unless you have a C-section. I was the latter - labour started normally so dh came to the delivery room. I was absolutely glad to have him there: he was able to calmly translate my angry shrieking into comprehensible spanish, and their completely dispassionate manhandling into positive encouragement.
Language barriers aside, imo it depends on the couple but if your partner is going to be on your side, help and encourage and calm you down then yes, he should be able to be there.

ABetaDad, interesting what you say about men being overwhelmed by the labour. Dh was overwhelmed by my first labour, and by the fact that he felt he should be able to do something for me but could not. The first labour was quite distressing for him. We both learned from that labour, and he was far more active and involved in the second, which was less overwhelming and distressing for him.

But seeing me labour, seeing what I could go through, and what I could do with my body, gave him a new respect for me. Knowing that I am tougher than I appear, or than he has culturally been led to believe of women ingeneral. Being told by me, afterwards, that he had been fantastic for me gave dh such a boost as well.

Having dh as my birth partner was good for dh as a person, and for our relationship, too.

I suppose Carrie has done the broadcast by now (since it was meant to be last night!) - what did she say?

In my last labour I got into hospital (for the second time) at 9+ cm dilated. Had two contractions with no pain relief at all (not been examined yet, just waiting) by clinging onto DH. I then asked him to get me some water and I couldn't cope with the next contraction - pressed the button to demand pain relief! Just because he wasn't there.
So no, I personally found having him there helped a lot.
Plus when pushing him telling me how well I was doing meant so much more than the MW telling me the same thing, as he was involved, this was a personal thing for him.

My DH was there for DD's birth (she's my 2nd child and his 1st).
I had a home birth but DD swallowed meconium,and things basically started to go wrong, so from one midwife we went to 3 and 2 ambulance crews! and even though I had all those people around me (and let me add they were absolutely fantastic) I was so glad DH was there, don't think I could have got through it without him.

Completely agree that this should be up to the individual couple, my husband has been at all three of our children's births.

He is very proactive and encouraging, he makes sure I have all of my needs and he enjoyed watching our children be born and cutting their cords - he held the first two before me too.

There have been no negative effects on our relationship, if anything it is stronger for our experiences together.

On the other hand if he hadn't enjoyed it and didn't want to be there I wouldn't force him and would have made alternative arrangements.

No way - having my husband there gave me confidence that I had someone to support me and make sure that my wishes were considered when I was in a very vulnerable situation. From his point of view, he would have hit the roof if anyone suggested that he shouldn't be able to be there at such an important time for us.

What prunerz says. It's got to be down to the individual. But I think that assuming that all fathers should be there because that's what 'you do' is as daft as assuming that all blokes should be shut out pacing the corridor. And fathers aren't failures if they don't want to be there.

I don't know what I would have done without my dh. It was long and hard, without analgesia and I was 42.

I had a brilliant midwife and she stayed with me for most of the time from 6cm to delivery, including an hour and a half of pushing.

But most of the time I didn't take in a word she said, until I heard it from dh.

There was a moment near the delivery where I could briefly see, between contractions, that he was very distressed and almost in tears. I couldn't do anything about it and that felt strange. Later he told me that at the beginning of every contraction I was saying 'oh no, ... oh no'.

Moments later, he was overjoyed and shouting at the top of his voice 'she looks perfect!'.

And dh was the one who convinced me I'd done ok when I was feeling really bad about myself.

Our mothers were lucky to get a call. I wanted him glued to my side. And I was out of that hospital in a few hours because I couldn't stand being away from him.

Footnote: I'm not always like that

It depends on the relationship between the couple, I guess.

I needed dh there. I genuinely don't think I could have coped. He wasn't hovering nearby, wite-facedly or otherwise. He was in the birth pool with me, relaying the instructions from the midwife (I wouldn't listen to anyone other than him) and caught ds when he came out.

He then tucked us both up in bed, cleared up everything, got a couple of hours himself and got up early to make me a huge breakfast containing every food I'd craved but couldn't have in pg.

If anyone had suggested it was better if he was not there, I would have bitten their heads off.

But I can see how if he'd been a different kind of person it would have been a problem.

My view: Labour probably slows down if partner is there because he feels he ought to be and the mother is thinking she should have him there. I'm sure there are many women who feel like they should have their partner there as it is what is expected, rather than what they wanted. However, for lots of couples it is a wonderful shared experience.

Fathers should have the right to be there if they and their partner want it, but women should realise that they can say no if they would feel happier without them. Certainly there should never be a situation where men were forbidden - I would have hated not to have DH with me, and DH thought that seeing his children born was the most amazing experience of his life (welling up as I think about it now...) He was also invaluable at translating my grunts for the midwife - eg vague noise and hitting my face (myself, not him!) meant "yes, thank you, she does want the gas & air but she prefers a mask"

Is he also advocating banning male midwives...? Can't see that going down well for equal opportunties.

FWIW I had my lovely DH and mum at the birth of both my daughters one supporting me on each side and I needed both of them there.

I think there should be FAR less pressure on the fathers to be at the birth.
Both from their partners and from themselves as well.
I know several men who would rather not have been there, but never gave it any thought because it's just what you do, innit? And they hated it, they were scared, they knew they weren't any support to their partners, it was long and they were knackered and couldn't do a good job.

My dh was at the birth and things went well, so he technically did a good job there, and luckily enjoyed it (up to a point). Had things not gone so well, I'm sure he'd have been as much use as a chocolate pudding. He generally reacts to crisis with apathy.

And then, some couples do really well together at a birth that's tricky.

So - meh. I think we have got to a point where women think it says something about a man if he doesn't want to be there, and that ain't right. And where women are expected to have the father there even if they know he's toxic. And that ain't right either.

FWIW, DP was great during dd1's birth

Supportive, had his shit together (no wussiness) was the right mix of involved yet not in my face and hassley

DD2's - was different, I felt like I didn't need him really, knew what I had to do and just Got On With It, IYKWIM. And he was totally cool with that as well.

So I say No Way should they be banned

Custy

Couldn't agree more

HellMouthCusty brilliant

i was taken in at 3.25am by dh and ds was born at 6.10am my labour was quick i had no problems but i still wouldn't have been able to do it without dh holding the sick bucket... its a wonderfull experience and the dh gets a view you will never see ds entering the world surely its the parents decision nobody elses

if i have to he has to. if he doesn't like it - hard shit - its not like i was having a fcking tea party.

oooh i don't like it its all gooey and theres blood and my wifey/dudette screams and it hurts my sensibilities.

get a grip man. if your hard enough to make it your hard enough to be there.

If they want to be there let them in. If they don't then provide a nice waiting area for them cause they will be next to bloody useless!

I would of been lost without mine there for all 3 of mine and he wouldn't of missed any of them for the world even when the last one got a bit traumatic!