Mumnets people how about an 'Ectopic pregnancy' board?

gsmom, congratulations, hoping for good things x and dont worry, no need to feel bad

oh blimey... tentative congrats, at least that's step one of a longer process done. fingers very crossed for you, keep us posted.

I have seen another board on another parenting website and it is named simply as pregnancy loss. It works well and there are posts from ladies with all types of pregnancy losses. However, i have never seen a post from a woman after a voluntary termination, so from that im not sure that it would be taken for granted that they are wellcome also on a similar boeard here.

Maybe , if there was a pregnancy loss board here there could be a sticky message stating that women from all types of pregnancy loss, voluntary of involuntary are welcome??

lissielou seriousely my fault- emotions run high alright but as i say i thought that was being stated as fact, now i realise it wasnt. Silly me and apologies.
I feel terrible now, i really would not want to upset anyone, hope i didnt too much.

BTW, just found out today that am pregnant again! Here comes the rollercoaster of bloods etc again!

I think Pregnancy Loss is a very good title. Nobodies feelings and needs and reactions to their loss is going to be the same, but the one common thing is loss. Sadly, there'll always be someone that can identify with an OP.

I think that simply naming a new topic "pregnancy loss" would be sufficient. It says it all really. And I don't think it would exclude women who have had voluntary terminations. The fact is that if a woman feels she needs to post on a thread entitled "pregnancy loss" then she is probably in the right place. (sorry, clumsily put, hopefully you see what I am getting at...)

Hazeyjane, sorry to hear about what you've been through. At the time I had my ep, one of my MN friends was (mistakenly) diagosed with a molar pregnancy and I remember at the time wondering how hard it would be for her to find anyone who had experienced molar pregnancy to talk to, it being so much more rare than ep. Hopefully the change proposed here might help in future.

well of course, hazey, in fact it was hab's thread that made me think that the misc/bereavement topic barely scratched the surface of all of our losses, and then memoo posted this thread and i got a chance to say.

the concern that i have about even naming the types of losses is that i'd not want someone to feel excluded because they had experienced something particularly rare. does anyone have any thoughts about that?

i know that i would never as a new poster have posted in a misc/bereavement thread as i was heartsick by that point of me saying 'i just had an ep' and hearing 'oh i had a miscarriage, it was awful but it was okay i've had two kids since'. i'd want to scream 'NOOOOOOOOOOO, you don't understand, everything's under threat for me now AND i've lost the chance to have this baby...'

so... last thing i'd do is post on a misc board in case i heard the same thing. it seems like i'm not alone in that. and yes, maureenmlove, it is awful how many of us have suffered a pg loss, isn't it? with some sensitivity and care i really do feel like a board could include all of us. and you know what? it'd teach people to pause before comparing everything to the more common (and of course dreadfully upsetting) losses.

I haven't had an ectopic pregnancy, so hope it is ok for me to voice an opinion on this.

I've had a 'straightforward' miscarriage and a molar pregnancy, and whilst my emotions surrounding the experiences were pretty much the same, my needs after the molar pregnancy were very different, and I should imagine this is similar to a lot of women who have experienced an ectopic pregnancy (please correct me if I'm making a huge sweeping statement there!)

I found it fairly easy to talk about my 1st miscarriage, and also was surprised by how many people had had a similar experience. I have only ever met one person who has had a molar pregnancy, and found it hard to even explain to people what I had experienced.

I agree that there should be a preg loss board which is not 'exclusive', and should also cover ''more voluntary' terminations'.

blimey, this has got quite heated.

Gsmum, im sorry if I offended you with what I said. however all i meant by it was that after having had so many miscarriages (3 by the time i had my ep and 4 since) the emotions that i felt about my ep were very different. this, to me was a baby. with a heartbeat and just bad luck and signing those forms was one of the hardst things ive had to do. i actually tried to get off the bed on the way to theatre twice because i knew what was about to happen. however i am aware that he/she would have been very unlikely to survive, and would always point in the direction of a specialist. just wanted to clear that up.

btw totally agree that a pg loss title would be much more appropriate. i often felt that my feelings about my ep didnt it in with the mc threads.

I agree with whoever said 'support, where support is necessary and direct to the professionals when necessary!

It is quite sad to see so many of us have suffered eps, but since we all have experience of them, we can continue to support and share and hug whenever we are called upon, under whichever topic it is in. I seem to have a knack of snifiing out a ep thread whereever it is!

Hi thanks Aitch and memoo- sorry again for any misunderstanding.

I agree a pregnancy loss board is a good way forward. I also think ladies who have had voluntary terminations should be included,my one reservation though would be that these women might be open to attack, for want of a better word, from others who lost their babies through another type of pregnancy loss?? There would want to be some etiquette regarding that?

no question about it, gsmom, signing a form with the word termination on it is a massive kick in the guts at a hugely vulnerable time. it's a disgrace that the form says that in my local hospital, and i have complained but it's an admin thing, they tell me. it's a fookin' disgrace, i tell them.

sorry to hear that you've just had another loss so recently - it's bad, isn't it? such a shame.

i think everyone understands each other now, thanks for coming back to clear that up. and yes, absolutely, on MN the debate, the research, the knowledge as power is EVERYTHING. it makes me really proud to be a part of it, tbh. #

but right at the very beginning, when a hug and straightforward medical advice about the 'norms' of ectopic pg is what you need, the EPT site is excellent. here, you have to remember, we are friends who are parents for the most part, so we club together when something bad happens to one of us... because we are on MN as much as because of whatever shitey thing's just happened to us.

so ladies, what are we going to suggest to MNHQ then? changing the name to Pg Loss? do we want a subdeck saying 'this might include ep, misc, molar, stillbirth etc' or do we fear that might exclude some people?

thing is, on that board i'd like to think we could offer support to people who'd had (more 'voluntary') terminations but i wonder if that would even be possible as feelings would be so hideously raw for so many people? do we have to leave that out, or is that why Pg Loss might cover all ills?

OOH HECK I HAVE ONLY JUST SEEN THREAD AND oops haven't yet waded through it

but agree with aitch's point of, ooh, ages ago

whilst we should, of course, continue to offer support wherever we can here, i don't think we should tread on the toes of the EPT site

we generally point people in their direction (if an ep is suspected) and with good reason - they have experts ready and waiting to help

i shall also say one other thing: one person - once - deigned to suggest to me how i should be feeling after my ectopic

i don't think she'll do the same again

Ok girls,
im very sorry that people see me as dismissive or as unfeeling- believe me im not, ive suffered too, just as much as anyone here. Im coming from the perspective that the words termination- this by the way was never mentioned or printed on any form in my hospital- is or can be distressing- to me EP surgery is not a termination, and i personally find it difficult to see it or name it as that. Surely there are more appropriate descriptions??

Memoo, i totally understand that you might feel that your baby died to save you, that of course is a natural reasction, and one we all struggle with. But i read your post as that you were stating this as a fact rather than a feeling IYKWIM, and that could be distressing to others too if they take it up the way i did. Sincere apologies if i took that up wrong. To me if someone said to me as fact that i terminated my baby, or that the baby died so i could save my life, then i would be very upset. We have enough to deal with without that as well. But im sorry honestly if i misinterpreted your post.

Aitch, ive taken a few minutes away from your comments on the EPT, and you know what, hands up i agree! There is an unspoken no debate rule there that can be upsetting to a woman who wants to air their views but cant for fear of being censored. But, in saying that, we are debating here, and that therefore cant be all that bad . If an EP board here allowed debate then yes, that would be an advantage that the EPT dosent allow.

Ladies, im sorry if i came across as aggressive, my EP was 3 years ago, but together with other losses is still raw (most recent last month), i just really dont want to think that my baby died for me to live or that i had a termination.

Apologies again for any offence caused, i really didnt mean my points to come across that way.

amen, flamey.

Feeling safe to say how you felt and be supported is what is needed, regardless of the board.

The majority of SN mums have asked themselves "What did I do wrong? How did I make my child like this?" Is it medically their "fault"? No. But it sure as hell feels like it at times. Knowing others have felt the same is a verypowerful form of support.

"Much better to direct ladies to the EPT site where accuarate info can be given by mediacally trained people and therefore women having received that accurate info can go on to give accurate and appropriate support."

by the way... this is what i worry about wrt the EPT board. i received their 'accurate and appropriate support', and am profoundly grateful for it, but i seem to have emerged with vastly differing conclusions from you... (mine, of course, being backed up by actual data).

it was the strength of righteousness and the simplistic fervour of those boards that put me off in the end. i always remember getting terribly upset when mothers would come on and say that it felt exactly the same to have an ep, regardless of whether you had children or not. that was not my feeling (nor was it when i had a threatened ep after dd) but it was the prevailing viewpoint that Must Not Be Argued With. i feel that did a lot of damage to women who were terrified that they would never ever become mothers, it certainly did to me. not that there is a scrap of medical data or research to back up that assertion, in either direction... but still it could not be discussed.

anyway, please don't assume that everyone on here didn't start off on the EPT boards, getting the same support you did, and have 'graduated' from there knowing a thing or two themselves about eps and the feelings that surround them.

perhaps some of us are further away from the pain, even, and are able to discuss their feelings without having to apply a black/white/good/bad template?

sorry, though, to hear about your pg losses, it sucks. that bit we no doubt agree on.

Gsmom I think that you and Aitch are talking at cross purposes here. Aitch is talking about feelings, and you are talking about facts. lissielou and memoo said that they felt they had sacrificed their babies lives, and that this was difficult to come to terms with. Clearly the medical profession's decision to use the term termination for ectopic surgery is insensitive, but it is the term used, and technically it is accurate (just incomplete). I really don't think you can dismiss other people's feelings even if your knowledge of the facts don't support them. You can discuss them, reassure them, support them etc, but you shouldn't dismiss them.

and that is what YOU need to believe to aid YOUR recovery... stop dictating to others how they should feel.

i SIGNED a termination form both times, do you understand that? was that offensive to me? deeply. did it change matters? no. does it mean i struggled with the memory of what i had done? yes, very much, despite the fact that my rational self was more than aware that it was just terminology and that yes, the pregnancies would in all likelihood have been non-viable and would have caused me serious harm to continue.

the fallopian tube is not capable of containing and sustaining a pregnancy... that does not actually mean that the body can't sometimes do amazing things to protect it. witness the case of the triplet boy, the one that despite being on a BBC site you don't seem to believe. some more cases by the way, all from reputable sources. mostly abdominal but impossible to say whether they were previously tubal and moved

would i do the same thing again? absolutely.

would i advise others to do so in my position? absolutely. and have done. and have saved lives because of it, as it happens.

however, would i be rude and aggresssive to people discussing Their Own Feelings on a website just because they didn't chime with mine, accusing them of misinformation etc when i myself was not in possession of all the facts? nope.

in fact, it was that kind of behaviour that made me tire of the EPT boards and come here. that, and the fact that my life, thankfully, moved on from the immediate pain.

ok i give up- if telling ladies that thier babys died to save their lives, or that they had a termination, or that tubal pregnancies can survive is called support then i dont want it- to me its not support at all, its inaccurate and deeply offensive.

But silverfrog- you baby would of have survived so it didnt die to save your life. it died because it was in the wrong place.And Izzie Aitch is the first to point out several times a week on the EPT site that a fallopian tube is not anatomically capable of holding a pregnancy beyond a few weeks.

Would you not agree that calling life saving surgery a termination is distressing, or that a baby having to die is also distressing. Or that tubal pregnancies can survive is distressing,and dangerous. If people feel im dismissing others opinions than im sorry for that, but these opinions could seriously distress others. I lost twins in my first pregnancy, one was ectopic, ive had 3 miscarriages, never once did i ever believe that EP baby died to save me, because the poor mite didnt stand a chance anyway.