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Original poster

Posters hiding the sex board won't change MN dynamics.

219 replies

OhYouBadBadKitten · 23/02/2023 10:17

This new policy of 'if you don't like it, don't look' doesn't seem to be about making Mumsnet a safer place more welcoming and inclusive place, it seems to be more about 'look the other way if you are offended'.

One issue with this is that once threads get into active, people then post in the wrong place. Explicit threads won't stay on the Sex board, they will migrate onto chat and AIBU and anywhere that gets more views. We see this all the time with various topics.

Changing the policy so that you only need to have been a member for 7 days before posting on creates another issue of course. It is much much easier for sex trolls to join and start harassing people and messaging them off board. I guess that might help revenue if you are getting streams of re-registering sex trolls coming in.

MN used to take safeguarding seriously.

I also think this actually will exclude people from getting support. You now either have to choose to hide the board and therefore if you have a question or an issue about sex, you can't ask in the right place. Or you have to enable it and see every conversation.

Imagine if you are a Mum with young kids, sex has gone down the pan and you want some advice. You might not want your partner to see it. Your choice is: hide the topic and don't get that help you'd like. Or enable it and risk your kids or your partner seeing the threads on your screen.

This is a separate conversation to the very valuable safeguarding conversation about the sex chat threads.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 23/02/2023 17:57

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:49

To be honest @Surplus2requirements I’ve no idea what your words are because you just seem to be all over the threads on Site Stuff about the sex board defending its existence. And yes, some of your posts on there are (imo) poor taste and don’t really make me feel in safe hands with the Men of Mumsnet.

Yep.

beastlyslumber · 23/02/2023 17:56

Agreed OP. The response from MN is not very satisfactory.

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:52

BIWI · 23/02/2023 17:51

Mansplainer extraordinaire.

Really is the online equivalent of them spreading their legs out when you’re on the train isn’t it?

BIWI · 23/02/2023 17:51

Mansplainer extraordinaire.

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:49

To be honest @Surplus2requirements I’ve no idea what your words are because you just seem to be all over the threads on Site Stuff about the sex board defending its existence. And yes, some of your posts on there are (imo) poor taste and don’t really make me feel in safe hands with the Men of Mumsnet.

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:43

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:35

It isn’t respectful to keep telling us we’re wrong, and that the lovely men on Sex wouldn’t tolerate poor treatment of women.

Being polite does not equal respect. Respect is having regard and consideration for the feelings of others. You are not showing any of us respect. You’re showing us what you believe is respect and is condescension.

I haven't said anyone is wrong, it's my experience and many women's that have posted on the sex board.

Again I never said the men would do anything, the people that regularly use the board, both women and men wouldn't stand for it.

I appreciate many women have a deep distrust of men for very good reason but its hard to have a conversation when words are repeatedly put in my mouth

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:37

HomeSweetLove · 23/02/2023 17:29

I’m not going to keep debating this with you. As a woman, who you make feel uncomfortable by your insistence thsg there isn’t a problem with the sex topic and a lot of those on there, I would ask you to look at your behaviour.

Whether you do, is on you. I choose to distance myself from men like you IRL, so I’ll do the same here and won’t reply further to you. I hope you become a better man.

Show quote history

As I said I think its only respectful to reply when I'm addressed directly but I respect your wish not to debate it with me

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:35

It isn’t respectful to keep telling us we’re wrong, and that the lovely men on Sex wouldn’t tolerate poor treatment of women.

Being polite does not equal respect. Respect is having regard and consideration for the feelings of others. You are not showing any of us respect. You’re showing us what you believe is respect and is condescension.

HomeSweetLove · 23/02/2023 17:29

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:22

I know it's not about me but every post of mine solicits 3 or 4 replies and it's only respectful to reply.

I don't think women would be defended there by knights in shining armour, I think they'd be ripped apart by women, men and banned in short order by mods

Show quote history

I’m not going to keep debating this with you. As a woman, who you make feel uncomfortable by your insistence thsg there isn’t a problem with the sex topic and a lot of those on there, I would ask you to look at your behaviour.

Whether you do, is on you. I choose to distance myself from men like you IRL, so I’ll do the same here and won’t reply further to you. I hope you become a better man.

SeaDee · 23/02/2023 17:28

HomeSweetLove · 23/02/2023 17:11

The insistence by some men that we should not feel uneasy about this, and that we are wrong about who is on the sex topic/sex chat thread, is making me extremely uncomfortable. Many women I know IRL who use mumsnet feel the same having read many threads in site stuff recently.

You are making women uncomfortable. Please listen. And stop.

And this. Spot on.

SeaDee · 23/02/2023 17:28

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:14

It’s not about you, @Surplus2requirements

This is the problem with men on here.

Women say ‘we don’t like this.’
Man says ‘but that’s not a problem because blahblahblah’
Women say ‘no, it is a problem.’
Man says ‘not for me it isn’t’

That doesn’t end the discussion. Considering you aren’t female, you cannot give birth, you cannot know what it feels like to be encouraged to use sex toys in the postpartum stage, maybe just accept that and stop telling us the sex board is fine and the fine upstanding gents on there wouldn’t stand for any poor woman getting unsolicited advice.

Absolutely this

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:22

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:14

It’s not about you, @Surplus2requirements

This is the problem with men on here.

Women say ‘we don’t like this.’
Man says ‘but that’s not a problem because blahblahblah’
Women say ‘no, it is a problem.’
Man says ‘not for me it isn’t’

That doesn’t end the discussion. Considering you aren’t female, you cannot give birth, you cannot know what it feels like to be encouraged to use sex toys in the postpartum stage, maybe just accept that and stop telling us the sex board is fine and the fine upstanding gents on there wouldn’t stand for any poor woman getting unsolicited advice.

I know it's not about me but every post of mine solicits 3 or 4 replies and it's only respectful to reply.

I don't think women would be defended there by knights in shining armour, I think they'd be ripped apart by women, men and banned in short order by mods

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:20

You keep insisting the board is respectful, women would be ‘protected’ by gallant men Hmm

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:18

@HomeSweetLove I'm not suggesting anyone shouldn't feel uncomfortable.

I've tried to communicate my experience of the board and and the women and men that post on it.

I don't pretend to know what any woman's experience is

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:14

It’s not about you, @Surplus2requirements

This is the problem with men on here.

Women say ‘we don’t like this.’
Man says ‘but that’s not a problem because blahblahblah’
Women say ‘no, it is a problem.’
Man says ‘not for me it isn’t’

That doesn’t end the discussion. Considering you aren’t female, you cannot give birth, you cannot know what it feels like to be encouraged to use sex toys in the postpartum stage, maybe just accept that and stop telling us the sex board is fine and the fine upstanding gents on there wouldn’t stand for any poor woman getting unsolicited advice.

HomeSweetLove · 23/02/2023 17:11

The insistence by some men that we should not feel uneasy about this, and that we are wrong about who is on the sex topic/sex chat thread, is making me extremely uncomfortable. Many women I know IRL who use mumsnet feel the same having read many threads in site stuff recently.

You are making women uncomfortable. Please listen. And stop.

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:07

AceofPentacles · 23/02/2023 17:03

The thing is, you could ask for replies from women only, and "women" may reply to the thread, but you'd never know if they were women, or a man getting off on talking about sex with a vulnerable woman.

Yes that's true and I can't speak for all men but I honestly couldn't get off on the type of conversation in the threads even if I wanted to.

AceofPentacles · 23/02/2023 17:03

The thing is, you could ask for replies from women only, and "women" may reply to the thread, but you'd never know if they were women, or a man getting off on talking about sex with a vulnerable woman.

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:03

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 16:45

You have a fair few posts on the sex board, and a lot of your posts elsewhere are about the sex board.

I've been here for 7 or 8 years, I have posts all over the forum though I read far more than I post.
I had very little interest in the sex forum and virtually no posts until the move to active and all this fuss kicked off.
I do think it's a valuable space where women and men (and women and woman etc) can talk openly and respectfully, anonymously on a subject many find difficult and embarrassing irl.
I think it works so well precisely because MN is a female led forum and the balance of power is weighted towards women, especially the moderation.

I feel I've gained a lot of insight and understanding debating the issues on Site Stuff and hopefully assuaged some of the assumptions that it's full of perverted men masturbating over every thread...it really isn't.

HomeSweetLove · 23/02/2023 17:01

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 16:42

Yes I'm a man and came to MN many years ago for reasons far removed from the sex board.
I realise that makes me naive when it comes to what it's like to be a woman and I know there's many dodgy and predatory men out there.
I don't think there's any where near as many on MN and as soon as they show their face they're banned (good).

If only predatory men could be dealt with in the same way irl 😑

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You are indeed naive.

If you read a lot of posts over there and they don’t ring alarm bells, then you will never understand the issue.

My male partner very much ‘gets it’. He’s disgusted by what I have showed him, as any decent man would be, and he understands why women would feel uncomfortable.

My partner uses a football forum which also talks about many things that are not football related. He said he would feel very uncomfortable if it was invaded by men mainly there to talk about sex. Interestingly, men don’t seem quite so keen to place themselves in the middle of a site mainly used by men with some women contributing.

He finds it shocking that mumsnet allow it. And that it’s being forced upon us more than ever, by placing it in active.

DuplicateUserName · 23/02/2023 16:56

BoreOfWhabylon · 23/02/2023 16:49

Agree entirely @OhYouBadBadKitten (except I have no wish to use the sex board myself)

It's already changing the feel of the place. Far more men ostentatiously announcing their presence on various threads, mansplaining and banging on and on and on.

It's already changing the feel of the place. Far more men ostentatiously announcing their presence on various threads, mansplaining and banging on and on and on.

I'm not sure you can really blame the sex topic for that. Hardly a day goes by without MN being in the tabloids or other forms of media, and let's not forget MNHQ put threads on FB and Twitter etc.

Then there are the really obviously goady trolls who wind MNetters up by saying things like 'Man here', and the thread runs into 100s of posts before it gets deleted. I'm not convinced they're all men, but they know how to push the goady buttons and get people frothing.

BoreOfWhabylon · 23/02/2023 16:49

Agree entirely @OhYouBadBadKitten (except I have no wish to use the sex board myself)

It's already changing the feel of the place. Far more men ostentatiously announcing their presence on various threads, mansplaining and banging on and on and on.

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 16:45

You have a fair few posts on the sex board, and a lot of your posts elsewhere are about the sex board.

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 16:42

HomeSweetLove · 23/02/2023 16:18

You can not possibly be this naive. You are asking why men ignore women saying no and to leave them alone?

You think men take no for any answer. You think they don’t do things when we’ve said we’re uncomfortable with them? And you think some don’t actually get off on knowing women are uncomfortable.

You are either a lucky woman to not have encountered this in your life. Or you’re a man and your privilege is showing. My bet is on the latter.

Show quote history

Yes I'm a man and came to MN many years ago for reasons far removed from the sex board.
I realise that makes me naive when it comes to what it's like to be a woman and I know there's many dodgy and predatory men out there.
I don't think there's any where near as many on MN and as soon as they show their face they're banned (good).

If only predatory men could be dealt with in the same way irl 😑

HomeSweetLove · 23/02/2023 16:19

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 14:15

Be as patronising as you like but any man being predatory on an open thread requesting female only responses would be rounded on by males and females alike

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But even if that happens, the damage may already be done.