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Original poster

MN deleting threads because the OP has a tantrum

55 replies

MatildaIThink · 20/10/2021 12:38

A serious question, why do MN do this?

It seems to be a regular occurrence that an OP will start a thread, when they do not the response they want they will then have a tantrum, start telling posters they are wrong, etc. and MN will then delete the thread.

I don't agree with closing down threads just because someone disagrees (rather than say libel or other legal issues, or personally identifying information), however outside of those circumstances it seems excessive to delete the threads even if there is an underlying mentality of wanting to close down the debate, surely it would make more sense to leave them standing as a record of what has been said, even if they are locked so that no one can post any further (which still seems excessive)?

What is the reasoning behind the daily deletions of threads that happens purely because the OP has a tantrum?

OP posts:
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Original poster
MatildaIThink · 24/10/2021 15:39

I think it depends on how you look at the thread. If you basically consider it a conversation between equals, then I would see why you don't like the idea of one person being able to shut it down.
That is how I generally see it yes.

However, if you think of it as someone going to speak to a person, eg citizen's advice or even a health professional, presumably that person can leave the discussion any time , usually if they have the advice they need or if the advice is creating more problems. They wouldn't be "forced" into continuing a conversation.
I see it as more of a general discussion, but also my issue with the above interpretation is that no one is forcing them to continue the conversation, if they do not want to then they do not need to continue, it is the matter of them stopping other people's conversation that I disagree with.

I understand and agree with what you mean about shutting down discussion on a wider front, but if threads are set up with the primary focus being help for the OP then, they should remain in control of the situation where necessary
The thing is almost every thread evolves and multiple discussions happen, it is the OPs ability to terminate everyone's discussion because they did not get the replies they wanted that I disagree with.

OP posts:
Easterndream · 23/10/2021 16:20

I think it depends on how you look at the thread. If you basically consider it a conversation between equals, then I would see why you don't like the idea of one person being able to shut it down. However, if you think of it as someone going to speak to a person, eg citizen's advice or even a health professional, presumably that person can leave the discussion any time , usually if they have the advice they need or if the advice is creating more problems. They wouldn't be "forced" into continuing a conversation.
I understand and agree with what you mean about shutting down discussion on a wider front, but if threads are set up with the primary focus being help for the OP then, they should remain in control of the situation where necessary

AtlanticCityProof · 23/10/2021 15:40

Thanks @YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet
I think it was just that it stays in notifications.

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 23/10/2021 15:36

@AtlanticCityProof - a hidden thread should not appear in your 'I'm on" list - if it does, would you mind letting us know, please?

AtlanticCityProof · 23/10/2021 15:00

Oh yes, you’re right. Perhaps it was just that it doesn’t immediately disappear from the notifications tab. Thanks

MrsRobbieHart · 23/10/2021 14:52

@AtlanticCityProof

Yes, there doesn’t seem to be a way of hiding a thread from the ‘I’m on’ tab so I’ve deleted my account before now to get away from people.

Or is there a way?

If you hide any thread it won’t appear on your “threads I’m on” tab.
AtlanticCityProof · 23/10/2021 11:08

Yes, there doesn’t seem to be a way of hiding a thread from the ‘I’m on’ tab so I’ve deleted my account before now to get away from people.

Or is there a way?

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2021 11:01

Honestly I’m in two minds on it

On one side, why the hell do you need a record. It’s not a court room, it’s a chat site. I also understand why if it’s upsetting someone it’s better to just remove it.

On the other sidewhy is that limited to the op? Plenty of threads upset plenty of people, and you’re just told to hide them, they aren’t deleted for you.

it is annoying the op claims some random excuse and the thread disappears. And you know full well it’s just because th op didn’t get th responses they wished. It’s like pandering to it.

Difficult call for the mods all round.

AtlanticCityProof · 23/10/2021 10:53

It seems a bit weird to value what is posted on mumsnet so highly. The same topics come up again and again. Some ideas have surprised me, sometimes I’ve learnt about new gadgets and services, but on the whole it doesn’t merit preservation any more than conversation with colleagues in the workplace.
The idea that the original poster, having opened the debate should take her punishment for as long as it comes just seems harsh because nothing of value is being lost anymore than when a fire alarm interrupts a conversation.

ThirdElephant · 23/10/2021 10:03

It's only debate if there's two sides though. Too often it becomes a big pile-on with posters taking it in turns to beat the OP with a stick.

Take the recent one with the OP about cringing at a spoon fed baby. Yes, OP started it very badly, but there was just page after page of posters calling OP all sorts- vile, disgusting, shameful etc. etc.

It served no purpose. OP did apologise fairly early on, but it just kept coming and coming. OP was clearly becoming increasingly distressed. There was no debate, just vitriol.

Original poster
MatildaIThink · 23/10/2021 09:28

@olidora63

Because the bullying from posters can be awful. We don’t encourage online bullying with our children ,so why should adults be allowed to ?
I agree bullying should not be tolerated, but disagreement and debate is not bullying. Too often it seems the conversation is shut down because posters disagree with the OP, not because of any bullying.
OP posts:
olidora63 · 23/10/2021 09:18

Because the bullying from posters can be awful. We don’t encourage online bullying with our children ,so why should adults be allowed to ?

Original poster
MatildaIThink · 23/10/2021 09:13

@daisychain01

yet where the OP has a tantrum because people disagree with them the whole post gets deleted.

You lack empathy and are minimising what actually happens a lot if the time.

You may think it's down to the OP having a "tantrum", but what you don't acknowledge is that if someone is in a fragile state of mind, and (possibly ill-advisedly) starts a thread asking for opinion, the responses that come back can be absolutely vile, and repeated over and over and over again by numerous people jumping on the bandwagon to give the OP a right royal kicking (when they're already down). The OP runs for cover but is sucked back in because they know there's an open thread there still being added to and they just want it to stop. The only way to do that is to have the psychological safety of getting MNHQ to close the door and take down a thread.

You may be so "together" that this scenario wouldn't matter to you but it's a real thing. Starting a thread which is basically lobbying to keep a bad thread going long after it's served any useful purpose is weird and quite mean.

I don't feel I lack empathy, it often seems that the threads are not shut down because someone would be genuinely distressed, unless their distress comes from others having the audacity to disagree with them.

The threads will often start with a request for advice, the OP the does not get the advice they wanted so starts to argue with those giving advice, but around that there is a genuine discussion going on with lots of useful information. The OP sometimes drip feeds or adds a big post which changes te context in an attempt to get posters to change their advice, but very often that post or drip feed is contradictory or obviously not credible. All the while a solid discussion is going on with other posters sharing personal experience, ideas and feelings. Finally the OP will interject with a "it's not fair you don't agree with me so I am having the thread deleted" tantrum and then the thread disappears a short while later.

The thing is you say that that useful purpose has gone, but often it has not, there are others sharing experiences and offering support and advice between each other and the OP gets to shut that down.

I don't agree with trying to make everywhere a "safe space" as it shuts down free conversion, open debate and support between other people.

OP posts:
clarepetal · 23/10/2021 06:50

This exact same thing happened to me. I got quite upset at the abuse I received and although I tried to justify myself people wouldn't read all my posts and made loads of wrong assumptions about me. It was awful.

FreeBritnee · 23/10/2021 06:03

In my experience the OP is getting a beating and the bullies get pissed of when the thread gets removed before the final boot makes impact.

grapewine · 23/10/2021 05:57

People should consider what could be identifying and create "real life concerns" before they start a thread. It's no secret that tabloids pick up content from here.

daisychain01 · 23/10/2021 05:46

yet where the OP has a tantrum because people disagree with them the whole post gets deleted.

You lack empathy and are minimising what actually happens a lot if the time.

You may think it's down to the OP having a "tantrum", but what you don't acknowledge is that if someone is in a fragile state of mind, and (possibly ill-advisedly) starts a thread asking for opinion, the responses that come back can be absolutely vile, and repeated over and over and over again by numerous people jumping on the bandwagon to give the OP a right royal kicking (when they're already down). The OP runs for cover but is sucked back in because they know there's an open thread there still being added to and they just want it to stop. The only way to do that is to have the psychological safety of getting MNHQ to close the door and take down a thread.

You may be so "together" that this scenario wouldn't matter to you but it's a real thing. Starting a thread which is basically lobbying to keep a bad thread going long after it's served any useful purpose is weird and quite mean.

ThirdElephant · 22/10/2021 11:10

I guess my view would be that if a thread on the internet is causing stress then better to stop posting on that thread, rather than demanding everyone else stops.

I disagree. If an OP is distressed by a thread remaining up in a public forum, the lesser evil is removing that thread. Those who posted on it might be inconvenienced or annoyed by its removal, but they're very unlikely to be as distressed by its removal as the OP might be by it remaining up. Therefore, the best option is to take it down.

Original poster
MatildaIThink · 22/10/2021 11:01

@LilyMumsnet

Hi all

Just dropping by to clarify our process on deleting threads.

We do try to push back where possible but regardless of anything, our job is to make parent's lives easier. If a post is causing nothing but upset, then we will likely delete it. Parenting is hard enough without extra stress of a thread on t'internet.

As we said, we will always explore alternatives before taking it down, so you know if it has been removed then it really is causing concern off the boards - and that no other avenue was appropriate.

I think what I really question is the way that people regularly seem to use "distress" as a way to have a thread closed down because the responses do not agree with them. I see cases where some users troll others, repeatedly in threads, and sometimes across multiple threads, those posts stand, yet where the OP has a tantrum because people disagree with them the whole post gets deleted.

I guess my view would be that if a thread on the internet is causing stress then better to stop posting on that thread, rather than demanding everyone else stops.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 21/10/2021 11:05

I think the wording of the deletion message doesn't help a lot of the time. There are a lot of claims about being identified IRL which don't seem possible from the thread that was deleted.

I can see why people find it irritating if someone has a thread deleted because it's not going their way, some people can't bear to be wrong even anonymously on the internet so they ask MN to delete instead!

Similarly, when you get a long-running troll thread some people get FAR too over-invested and then you get the (even more) irritating 'what happened to the thread' threads when it is finally zapped.

I have known threads reappear, but it is rare tbh.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 21/10/2021 10:29

@CrazyTimesAreOccurring

It's the " we have taken this down to look behind the scenes" message that confuses me - has a thread ever often been reinstated? None I've watched have ever!
Threads do get reinstated - but not very often.

If something is deleted for the above, you can assume we don't believe that they are posting with the best of intentions. If it's reinstated then we will usually pop a post up to say that we got it wrong!

Chicchicchicchiclana · 20/10/2021 18:36

It's mildly annoying sometimes. But not half as annoying as obvious trolls posting rubbish for months on end.

TurnUpTurnip · 20/10/2021 18:35

I asked for a thread to be deleted after people told me I should tell my ex that our children had died and every poster that came on after didn’t even respond to my op anymore they just came on to laugh about how hilarious it would be to tell him my children had died. But apparently I was being sensitive for not finding it funny.

hotmeatymilk · 20/10/2021 18:32

It is a slap in the face to anyone who takes the time to post well thought out advice.
And also to those of us who wasted some of our funniest material. Honestly, I could spit at some of my finest posts getting trashed just because the OP’s real life is now in tatters. Rude.

Pavlova31 · 20/10/2021 18:29

I have wondered about the “ behind the scenes” deletion message also.I have never seen a thread actually come back.