MNHQ here: have you got strong feelings and personal experience about partners staying overnight on postnatal wards?

I really needed my partner after the birth of my c section IVF twins. After 10 years of waiting I was overwhelmed and struggled. Yes it was poor care( no food delivered so I had to leave them and hobble down a ward attached to a drip, couldn't lift them and got left with both attached so 1 often fell down the side of the bed and I had to grab them with my teeth, caring for 2 babies alone when in pain was a nightmare, no sleep.....) but it was the new parent anxiety thing I needed his support for too.

I discharged my self early. My first days as a parent are a really unpleasant memory.

"I really don't understand people who say "I couldn't stay on a ward with strange men wondering about" what about in the day? When you're still bleeding and trying to establish feeding? They're still knocking about

The difference is that most women want to go to sleep at night, which:

a) makes them feel "more defenceless

b) makes it more of a problem if there is chatting going on around the ward

Also the lights are down and nurses are usually some way off in the corridor. Which again can make women feel more defenceless.

This thread doesn't seem to be about partners staying- it seems to be about inadequate post natal care. Which is, surely, a completely different thing.

And frankly if my partner ever heard a man talk down to a woman he would pull him out the ward himself, he doesn't tolerate men who behave like that
In fact I've never witnessed any bad behaviour from men, of course it happens but it's the woman who scare me. Som3 left their baby alone to go outside and smoke, one went through another person's belongings and stole money from her, one was swearing that the midwives didn't see to her quick enough

It is very wrong to allow partners, male or female, to stay on open maternity wards. In private rooms is fine but it should not be allowed in any other cases.

I had a horrible experience with this during my second EMCS.

I really don't understand people who say "I couldn't stay on a ward with strange men wondering about" what about in the day? When you're still bleeding and trying to establish feeding? They're still knocking about
In my hospital men aren't allowed in the toilets in the ward, they aren't allowed to use showers either. There's no beds for them to stay overnight but my other half would have gladly slept on a chair just to be with us. He had money that he used on the canteen downstairs, and actually he was the one to notice that I was bleeding heavily, too heavily. Nobody else noticed
Like I said up threas, after my section I fell out of bed trying to get my buzzer. I was left alone on the ward, hadnt seen a midwife in 5 hours. And it took 4 of them to help me back into bed, 4 of them which I inconvenienced. My partner can do the work of 4 of them, and actually he was the one to feed and change our daughter for the first 2 days during the day, in the evening midwives took her away as I couldn't manage it. More inconvenience. I was left without water, I ripped a canula out my arm by mistake trying to pick my baby up (had 3 left in) I was a mess, my partner being there would of being an unexplainable help

I sent my dh home at night even though we were allowed our partners to stay on shared ward. It was boiling hot and cramped, he'd been up 3 days through labour and EMCS. I wanted him to get some sleep so he could be fresh to look after our DS and let me sleep in the day. DS had jaundice so was in light box for first 3 days.

I hated the noise on the ward, from people on mobile phones and people chatting. I was sore and bleeding but had to walk past lots of strange men to use the toilet. We had to keep curtains open so the staff could see us and so when feeding my son lots of men would walk past and look in. I'm sure there was nothing in it, but they would glance in and see me sitting swollen with my top exposed to feed, plus it was a heatwave and boiling hot.

I felt vulnerable and I hated it

Private room- yes.
Shared room- absolutely not.

'It's perfectly possible for one person to look after a baby by themselves, and the baby doesn't care.'

And as long as you are physically capable after birth that may be the case but I had a EMCS and couldn't have looked after my baby myself. I thank my lucky stars my husband could stay and settle the baby during the night, provide Kangaroo care so she felt safe, and more importantly I could rest knowing that my baby was with the only other person in the world who loved her as much as me.

Dads aren't patients but they too have just had their own world turned upside down.

It's time hospitals started to reconsider their models of 'wards' and replace them with individual rooms

"Setting a tone" is in no way a priority over the privacy and dignity of the actual patients who are the women (and babies).

fathers are needed, wanted and essential to the mother and baby in the first few days.
No , they're really not essential. It's perfectly possible for one person to look after a baby by themselves, and the baby doesn't care.
I do understand some women feel the need to have their partner there , but it certainly isn't essential.

awholelotofhot
why on earth wouldn't they be allowed to stay, they're the baby's parent too. Because it's a hospital and they're not patients. Only the mother and babies are patients.
I'm strongly against this. I would have discharged myself if there had been partners staying overnight. I only had to stay in hospital for my first baby 28 years ago. There was no concept of needing your partner to support or help you. A member of staff was there to help if necessary, ie those who who needed post op care or who had complications but most people managed by themselves without any problems. Visiting hours were restricted so we had plenty of time and privacy.

'Any man who is put off parenting by going home for a couple of nights after the birth is very easily put off imo'

It's his new baby.

It isn't about 'putting off' parents.it is about setting a tone: fathers are needed, wanted and essential to the mother and baby in the first few days.

I had a baby recently & there was a partner who stayed with his wife overnight.

He used the patients toilets when it clearly stated he should not. So each time I or the other women on the ward wanted to go toilet we had to wait as he was already in it. He even walked in on one of the women showering (she must not have properly locked the the door), as he wanted to use the toilet whilst the poor woman was in the shower.

He kept walking past my bed peering in thro my curtains whilst I was trying to breastfeed.
He spent most of his time sitting opposite me staring at me so I ended up pulling my curtains shut as it was uncomfortable.

Then the entire family turned up and took over the ward and sat staring at me till I shut the curtains around my bed.

I have no idea why I was of such interest to them but I ended up asking to leave as I couldn't bear it.

I'm sure everyone's partners are lovely and amazing to them. I'm totally against having partners on wards over night it was so uncomfortable it was unbelievable.

If a person needs their partner with them maybe a family ward or something would work better so everyone who wants their partner can be in a ward together.

It really didn't work when I experienced it.

absolutly not no never, the most vulnerable and frightening time of your life and fat slob idiot strangers gawking at you around your curtains at all hours. it should be a criminal offence. I hated hated HATED visiting hours when \i couldn't even go to the toilet and leave my baby alone with complete strangers wondering around the ward. i couldn't wash, or change or anything until they were gone.

If a woman can't cope without her partner for a night or two

I must be a pathetic baby then, because I prefer not to be without my partner at the best of times - let alone after a potentially traumatic physical event, in the first hours or days of dealing with the minor life shift of being a new parent.

In fact, this is the thing which scares me most about having children (an event which will hopefully happen soon!). Having read Mumsnet threads on this topic I completely agree with all of the arguments against having men on wards, but I really hope we are able to find a room for my DH to stay. I have depression and I genuinely worry about the potential impact the days immediately following birth may on my mental health as a new mother.

I'm a dad but feel like throwing my opinion in to the mix anyway. The first night I was allowed to stay (in the visitors chair) but each night after that plus an hour during each day I had to leave (for rest time during the day if I recall) . I don't think I was aware of this policy before the birth, and it was a little jarring and I felt lonely, missing my wife and new child. Some nights I struggled to leave as my wife didn't seem to be coping well. She was having trouble trying to breastfeed, and was exhausted and our baby was losing weight at speeds that where alarming to us and mildly concerning to medical staff. It doesn't feel good going home while your wife is crying because our baby won't eat "in the natural way" that my wife was determined (at the time) to do. That said it meant that I was well rested each day, and could look after baby while wife napped during the day.

After an elective C-section with twins I was in a double room at first, where my DH was not allowed to stay. I could not get out of bed to get to my children or to put them back again if I was holding them. It was lonely and unpleasant. Nurses didn't come when I rang the bell (bell was cancelled without anyone coming). It was too noisey for me to sleep (person in my room got moved out as I was dropping off, waking me up, an hour later nurse came in to deal with some of the equipment, an hour after that they brought another bed in to replace the one that went, another hour cleaners came in, etc...). Though I appreciate that was an unfortunate situation that probably wasn't totally typical.

36 hours later I was moved to a private room and DH was allowed to stay over. He got involved in the childcare straight away, covered settling the twins after feeds which was a godsend at night, helped me move about more and made me feel a lot more secure and safe. Even if staffing levels had been higher and I hadn't felt like things might be missed or a baby dropped because I was left on my own too much, his emotional support made things hugely less stressful. And honestly I think non-medical care of babies is best provided by their primary carers when possible and not a string of (to them) random people.

He was also in the same place I was in respect to looking after them when we went home and I didn't have the role of "expert" to his "novice" as we settled into our new life with kids.

This is the reason I went with a midwife unit for my first dc and hoping to have second dc (if all runs smoothly!) in the same way.

The thought of being on a post natal ward with strangers, after such a full on event terrifies me. The thought of having to send away my dh terrifies me. The thought of other people's partners being there also terrifies me.

I just want to have my baby, relax, get sorted, feed baby, grab some shut eye and then head home!

I was in a hospital where partners could stay, and any partners that I saw who stayed were quiet, respectful and supportive. Didn't bother me one bit - though I do understand that not all partners would necessarily be like that unfortunately. If I could change one thing about DD's birth though I wouldn't have let DP leave until my catheter was out, as my overriding memory of the postnatal ward is wanting so badly to pick my DD up and being unable to - and the midwives being snotty every time I asked (one of them I would actually refuse to have this time as she was so sarcastic and rude). No one came to check on me even though I was on my own (and hadn't slept in days, had no clue what I was doing, and actually I think I was in mild shock over the whole thing). In the morning, I wouldn't have actually had breakfast if DP hadn't come in. It was bloody awful. The woman in the bay next to me had her partner there doing everything for her and I was so jealous. Despite the ward being quiet I was placed right at the end, furthest away from the nurses station too. It was just awful.

I'm pregnant again, and am already worried about the postnatal ward. In an ideal world I'd not let DP leave me at all in the hospital this time around, but we have toddler DD to consider. I'm just under six weeks pregnant and am already worrying about this!

In short, I would be happy with partners not staying if the postnatal staffing and care were better. But it was isn't, so I think partners staying are bloody sensible!

I was on a four bed ward. Three men stayed with their partners all night. I was the only one by mydrlf and i felt very vunerable. They talked all night and kept me awake. It was awful.

*than

No, they shouldn't be allowed to stay. NeedsAsockamnesty and helpimitchy explain why better then I can.

If you are bleeding and walking like John Wayne, why on earth would you spare a thought for the gender of the people who might see you?

Is female bleeding somehow more shameful if men see it than if women see it?

I honestly could not have given less of a shit about the gender of anybody I encountered during the childbirth experience, from doctors/nurses/midwives/anaesthetists to patients/partners/visitors/children.

I would have appreciated somewhat more privacy (for and from sounds more than sights) in general, but that applied to everyone regardless of sex chromosomes.

By all means restrict to patients and provide actual care, but don't make this about men = bad, lesbian partners = a-okay, because that is some seriously sexist BS.

For DC1 DP didn't stay, and I really needed him. I was drugged up to my eyeballs and had different tubes limiting my mobility. I was in no real state to look after my newborn and the night staff oblivious.

DP was allowed for DC 2 and it gave me chance to sleep and recuperate.

While I totally agree on safe spaces and that men are often the aggressors and this should be considered, I think it's more about staffing visitors whether DPs staying or others.

I found it much more difficult with my neighbours mother who was her birthing partner who snored so loudly I couldn't sleep at night, made general critical remarks about new mum's and then the 12 college friends who turned up for 3 hours on a tiny ward. I found that much more insensitive.

I think the priority needs to be making sure the babies and mothers are safe and cared for. With the NHS on its knees that's easier said than done.