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Original poster

Please help me process what on earth went on with me and DP last night

486 replies

everynowandthenifallapart · Yesterday 09:45

It was my birthday yesterday. DP came over after work and my main present was dinner somewhere nice local to me (this is what I had asked for). I’d arranged to have an empty house at mine for us so we’d have some time to ourselves.

Been together almost 2 years and been arguing a lot over the last few months. My kids caused some trouble between us and we both said some things that hurt the other and are trying to get through it. Argued earlier in the week about that but I genuinely felt that we were working through it.

Anyway, I don’t normally dress up but I put on a nice dress and heels. I know I looked nice as my DD said so. Answered the door to DP and he was really angry with how I was dressed as apparently he had turned up ‘looking like a scruff’ and it made him look back.

So no compliment on the effort I made and a couple of times thought the night made angry comments about it.

Other than that all fine at dinner. We got home and Dp went to sit in the garden and have a beer. It was dark and cold and I didn’t fancy being out there so I sat indoors entertaining myself playing music on the Alexa - not loud - and singing along to it. DP hates me singing along to music but I just thought well he’s outside, not listening and it’s my house and my birthday so I’ll entertain myself.

We then watched a TV show for an hour, all good.

Then just the weirdest thing happened - DP started having a go at me for playing Billie Jean and how he’d had to comment that MJ is a paedophile to make me stop playing it.

I was baffled as I don’t like MJ either, hadn’t played Billie Jean and didn’t know what he was talking about.

When I responded to that he got really angry going ‘I know what I heard, stop gaslighting me!!’ And I was literally like maybe it was coming from one of the kid’s Alexa’s upstairs and he went on and on about how I was telling him he was imagining things.

i said I wasn’t saying that just that I hadn’t played it. I said I’d been playing the charlatans as the last song and pulled out my play history on Amazon music and indeed it was the charlatans and a load of other 90s indie which is exactly my taste as he knows.

i thought that would just solve it all but it escalated and escalated about how he heard Billie Jean and I’d stopped as soon as he made the comment.

I said I hadn’t played Billie Jean but also it’s my house and if I wanted to play it I would.

I then decided I’d had enough and thanked him for ruining my birthday and went to bed. I didn’t know what else to do to de escalate things.

i could then see him on the drive waiting for a cab so I went down again to try and de escalate things. I said I felt the conversation was unnecessary and unkind, that I had no idea where he heard Billie Jean - he said it must have been on the TV I said maybe it was but I have no recollection of it or of the comment he made.

I tried to get him to calm down and come in, I just wanted a nice end to the evening but he wouldn’t back down.

It was the most ridiculous argument of my life and I also believe it has ended our relationship because where do we go from this?

Usually when we argue I initiate apologies and we smooth things over but I have no idea how or why I would apologise for playing a song I didn’t play. I feel like last night he was wanting an apology and it’s usually very easy to get one out of me, but not for something like this where I’ve done nothing.

His car is still outside so presumably he’ll come and get it today but I’ve heard nothing from him and don’t expect to.

This MUST be the end of our relationship right? I can’t live like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
everynowandthenifallapart · Yesterday 14:13

You’re all right. I won’t engage more. I’ve said what I need to say I just need to focus on getting him out of my life.

He won’t want anything more to do with me now that I’ve called him controlling. Hell move on to another victim.

Thank you so much all of you for all of your support.

I might need a small handhold once he’s collected his stuff but this situation, his lack of remorse and what it has revealed about him has really reinforced this is the right decision.

i have been doubting myself for months but it’s thrown it all into sharp relief.

OP posts:
Theworldsgonemadagain · Yesterday 14:15

Of course it's the end dump him

Gengha · Yesterday 14:16

Good for you OP. You deserve more

Moveoverdarlin · Yesterday 14:18

I guarantee your DD’s behaviour will improve with him not around.

OfficerChurlish · Yesterday 14:25

What strikes me most is how much time, attention and energy you've spent on this person and this relationship at your own expense - treating his self-centred, disrespectful, borderline misogynist and frankly kind of bonkers behaviour and comments as if you could make sense out of them if only you wracked your brain and reexamined every nuance looking for some hidden key. It's natural to want to understand what went wrong so you don't repeat any mistakes in a future relationship but I think you already have all the info you need. Keep him blocked and gone and move forward with your own life!

From what you've said here, it seems like he isn't mature enough to be in a relationship. You dressed up for your birthday dinner, at your house. Even if this isn't something he appreciates or wants, YOU have every right to wear what you like, mark the occasion, dress in a way that feels natural to you makes you feel good about yourself. What is his response? Essentially, "WAAAH! ME ME ME ME ME !!!!" His failure to even show up for your last birthday (and slyly checking afterwards to make sure he really did "ruin" it) and incidents like this: I gave him a hug while he was sitting down and he said ‘stop putting your big boobs in my face are you wearing a real bra for a change’ (textbook "negging") might go even further. He centres himself, but he also seems to intend to belittle, undermine, and hurt you.

Michael Jackson is, for whatever reason, really getting a lot of airplay right now. If he wishes to boycott Jackson fine, but he cannot control what is played, only (to some extent) what he hears. If he hear Jackson playing at his partner's house, the normal and logical thing to do would be to politely point out his objections and ask for the soundtrack to be changed, not to go absolutely mad and rant and rave and waste an entire evening blethering very unpleasantly about nothing (since the song he heard had not been played by you, and no one else was in the house to ask about it).

I suspect that your now-ex cannot bear to have the attention on anyone but himself, even on your birthday, and therefore must turn it back to himself even if it's purely negative attention. I read your OP thinking "this is an infant, and you are not his mother. Don't date an infant!" But it's worse than that: this is an emotional infant who doesn't seem to like you much and at least sometimes seems to deeply you.You've told him how his behaviour and comments impact you and that something needs to change in the relationship, and he essentially says "no", so there's no hope. You're well rid of him.

LemograssLollipop · Yesterday 14:27

I think you've not carried on like before grovelling, apologising first, keeping the peace - that's to be commended and you've sorted it sooner rather than later.
Well done you!

And happy birthday 🎈 for yesterday, here's to another year to be happy without misery guts bringing you down in his flip flops!!!

Sunnibee · Yesterday 14:28

Omg get rid of this horrible man now. It will only get worse

WearyAuldWumman · Yesterday 14:38

Yes, end it for your own wellbeing. There's something deeply wrong with that man.

Original poster
everynowandthenifallapart · Yesterday 14:43

He’s here and clearing it out. He hasn’t rung the bell.

I’ve massively damaged his ego by calling out traits that he denies he has. I doubt he’ll ever want anything to do with me again.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · Yesterday 14:45

You're much better off without him.

The outfit in your photo is lovely, by the way. Now that I've read all your posts, I'm even more certain that you're better off without him. He's just horrible and you're too good for him.

Ahwelltoobad · Yesterday 14:45

everynowandthenifallapart · Yesterday 14:43

He’s here and clearing it out. He hasn’t rung the bell.

I’ve massively damaged his ego by calling out traits that he denies he has. I doubt he’ll ever want anything to do with me again.

Excellent! And today is the first day of the rest of your life, plus your dress looked amazing, forgot to say!

Clydebuilt · Yesterday 14:48

everynowandthenifallapart · Yesterday 14:43

He’s here and clearing it out. He hasn’t rung the bell.

I’ve massively damaged his ego by calling out traits that he denies he has. I doubt he’ll ever want anything to do with me again.

Get ‘Billie Jean’ on at full volume!

EssCarGo · Yesterday 14:49

everynowandthenifallapart · Yesterday 14:43

He’s here and clearing it out. He hasn’t rung the bell.

I’ve massively damaged his ego by calling out traits that he denies he has. I doubt he’ll ever want anything to do with me again.

Well that’s excellent news for you really isn’t it.

OP you sound like a cool and put together person, and you’ve put him in his place very well.

Just don’t go back on it now or try to have a ‘final’ conversation, that won’t work with this type of doofus.

Your life is about to get much better I think ☺️

ForWiseRoseCat · Yesterday 14:51

Put Billie Jean on now and sing at the top of your voice. There are some great remixes out there.

Pathetic man.

Viperregency · Yesterday 14:53

Op, I don’t understand why you keep writing he won’t won’t anything to do with you now. You shouldn’t want anything to do with him, one someone is abusive you can’t make them change, love you, treat you well, it only gets worse.

just block him,

ChiliFiend · Yesterday 15:00

You sound so self aware and astute and he sounds like such a baby. He isn't a match for you and I bet he knows it. Good riddance.

NovaF · Yesterday 15:03

Your strength is amazing. You also looked incredible in the dress picture you shared, obviously could not see your face but what thick lovely hair, amazing figures and excellent dress sense you have. The more of your light you gave to that awful man the less you had for yourself. Your life is going to be so good now you have your light for yourself without a bullying, miserable, belittling bully robbing you of it. You’ve got this 🌞

MsPrufrockk · Yesterday 15:04

everynowandthenifallapart · Yesterday 09:54

The thing is I am having an awful time with my 16 year old who didn’t get me a card or present or say happy birthday and I knew she would try to ruin my birthday.

So he knows I was feeling sensitive and wanted to keep things low key and calm

Abusive men always try to cause arguments on special occasions.

motherhoodisntfortheweak · Yesterday 15:06

I can’t thinking of anything rather than he’s a psycho and it’s a shame he knows where you live with your children

momtoboys · Yesterday 15:08

Stay strong. You deserve better.

OneDreamyAquaEagle · Yesterday 15:09

everynowandthenifallapart · Yesterday 10:10

I don’t think he’s going to contact me, how do I do this? Do I have to officially break up with him?

I feel like just blocking him but I can’t as he’s got tools and stuff here in my garage that he’d need to get back.

Honestly, the urge to repair things is usually so strong with me but I honestly can’t be fucked. I’m completely and utterly all out of fucks.

The thing I said months ago that mortally wounded him is that some of his behaviour around a particular issue could be seen as controlling.

His ex wife says he was controlling and he hates that. The thing is he isn’t controlling in a traditional sense, but his moods do affect how I feel and behave.

I don’t think he sees or accepts that. But yesterday was controlling IMO.

His behaviour IS controlling. If you're walking on eggshells to avoid setting him off (his moods) that's controlling. I'm sorry you had to deal with him and a recalcitrant 16 yr old on your birthday.

Original poster
everynowandthenifallapart · Yesterday 15:12

Thank you every single one of you, you have been an amazing support to me today.

Well here I am, 48 and single and planning to remain single for a very long time.

I wish I had listened to my doubts sooner and not let things get this far, but I’m proud of having decisively ended it and shut the door on the whole thing.

It doesn’t matter what he thinks or says about me now, he had the chance to be nice to me and cherish me and he blew it, blew it completely.

It’s so nice to think I won’t ever have to come back from seeing him and going over and over things in my head like was he intentionally mean to me? Why does he never say thank you or act remotely grateful for anything I ever do for him but always expects praise for every single thing he does?

Am I needy for wanting cuddles etc or should that be normal? Why am I never allowed to be the one who initiated sex and on and on and ON.

OP posts:
Original poster
everynowandthenifallapart · Yesterday 15:15

He always said he was on eggshells with me. But that’s because I would call him out on things like when he was negging me.

So that was a good way to control me to never speak up about how he treated me.

Except it would build up and build up and then we’d argue. Then it would be all about how argumentative I was and how he was a great guy and how I’m just so touchy about everything.

But he overplayed it last night by a) arguing about something so ridiculous and b) deliberately doing it on a special day.

Well thank god he did as I’ve now woken up.

OP posts:
Curleywoo · Yesterday 15:16

OP, this is such a sad thread but thank goodness you have finished with him finally.

He is a highly abusive, nasty bully.
You have 100% been abused by him.

Take a serious break from all men.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
and read these two books.

"Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

You so need to educate yourself.
You deserve so much better than these arseholes that are so awful.

He clearly was a nasty insecure prick that knew he was punching, so was determined to drag you down.

Please stay the hell away from all men until you are sufficiently educated and protected from these types.

Would you want a prick like this for your daughter?
I bet not.
Educate yourself so you can guide her too.

Wishing you well.

Oh and he was pissed off that you looked so well.

Whilst doing your reading I highly recommend you invest in a glow up to give you a boost.

You can look fabulous for yourself.

Fast800goingforit · Yesterday 15:17

End it. You deserve better. My ex husband once told me I was deliberately trying to show him up by being too dressed up when we were going to a flipping art gallery one weekend. I was wearing a very ordinary outfit and a nice winter coat I had. He was being ridiculous. He felt inadequate in some way and he blamed me.

You don't need this pathetic excuse for a man in your life. A partner should enhance your life, not seek to belittle you. He deliberately kiboshed your birthday because he knew it meant something to you. I have a funny feeling whatever your kids did that he didn't like hit the nail on the head.