Please help me process what on earth went on with me and DP last night

Have you tolf your other children the good news yet @everynowandthenifallapart ? That no more mum’s crappy boyfriend in their home almost of the time!

So, I’m not exactly psychic but…

• your ex was controlling
• his ex says he was controlling
• he doesnt like being told he’s controlling
• he tries to control you with his moods
• you, as a result, KNOW he’s controlling

Now, this is just a shot in the dark, but I think he might be controlling!

I tried to put this as a bit of a joke @everynowandthenifallapart to soften the blow, but, please be aware: coercive control is a very real thing used by emotionally abusive people. They make you so afraid of triggering one of their moods or being punished with their sulks, that the whole house ends up walking on eggshells.

You said your 16 year old didn’t get you a card or gift, but you also said your DD told you that you looked nice - if that was the 16 year old who said that (maybe you meant a different DD), it means she was actually much nicer to you on your birthday than he was. It’s really sad facts, but the truth is that if you model a relationship in which it’s clear your partner doesn’t respect you and you don’t respect yourself, your children will grow up to not respect you either. I’ve seen this pattern play out so many times, it’s gotten a bit ridiculous.

Sexual and/or relationship partners are like buses. If you really want one, you can catch another one in 20 minutes. But you only get a single one of each of your kids, so maybe talk to your daughter about how she felt about your partner and if there’s anything she wants to talk about regarding him or the situation now he’s gone.

Not necessarily. Controlling people come up with some proper weird shit when they want to see you bending yourself out of shape to explain and smooth things over.

Mine jumped the shark over a Big Issue, of all things. I mentioned something the seller had said when I bought my copy, and he went "You've never bought a Big Issue in your life!" While I was still staring, perplexed, he went on to inform me I'd never done anything for charity. This was such a huge, insane lie that it hardly merited an answer, then he sneered "The truth hurts, doesn't it".

I imagine I was supposed to get really upset about being so misunderstood, have an argument about whether I in fact did anything for charity, then he'd segue into how I was always twisting his words or some such bollocks, and I'd end up all hurt and trying to win him round. I didn't, I just walked away. That was the day I decided we were divorcing.

“Usually when we argue I initiate apologies”

End it.
He doesn’t care or he’d be initiating apologies just as much. He’s an angry man, he’s controlling and he should just go do his thing far away from you and save you the stress.

Sorry he’s ruined your birthday. I’m happy for you that it means you won’t have to spend any more ruined birthdays with him. Onwards and upwards.

Won’t hijack by going in to the details but this is so so similar to me and my situation.

it all came to a head 7 weeks ago and I’ve not seen him since, though I was delusional enough to make him DH2.

i feel peaceful then panicky because im used to begging and placating, it is physically painful forcing myself to change my nature.

he’s moved out, and I now reflect on just how vile, jealous and downright hateful he was to me. I also think he wanted out and was pushing the nastiness.

I will not be resolving things, I have had 2 abusive marriages but was blinded by the nice bits in the second one, I need to stay away from men and work on my self worth, I have such low expectations for myself and always think everything is my fault.

you have done the right thing OP, read all the advice on this thread, it is really powerful and true. It is upsetting, I have had to face facts, he hated me and the big romance was a fantasy

Did he mean you were playing MJ that night or maybe he was referring to another situation and just chose to bring it up then, if that makes sense? How much had he has to drink?

The fact he didn’t compliment you when you’d made an effort on your birthday of all days is enough to make him an arsehole, but coupled with he doesn’t like you singing to music (?) and that extends to when you’re in your own home??! WTF? Abusive freak.

He should have made an effort himself if he cared about you and the fact he turned your birthday meal round to make it all about himself - he felt a scruff and would be embarrassed - says all you need to know about who he values more.

Thinking about it, I bet he only wanted to go and drink in the garden bc he wanted you to be cold as you would be dressed up and not in as warm clothing as him. He either wanted you to be physically uncomfortable and was pissed off you didn’t comply and defied him, or he was deliberately engineering a situation where he could feel pissed off that you chose to stay inside rather than join him, despite the temperature.

Sounds like a monumental dick- well done for not apologising - as you say, there is nothing for you to apologise over - but if he does the unexpected and apologises to you - tell him it’s over regardless. He is a controlling bastard who clearly doesn’t want you to be happy and gets angry when you are. Leave him.

Did he mean you were playing MJ that night or maybe he was referring to another situation and just chose to bring it up then, if that makes sense? How much had he has to drink?

The fact he didn’t compliment you when you’d made an effort on your birthday of all days is enough to make him an arsehole, but coupled with he doesn’t like you singing to music (?) and that extends to when you’re in your own home??! WTF? Abusive freak.

He should have made an effort himself if he cared about you and the fact he turned your birthday meal round to make it all about himself - he felt a scruff and would be embarrassed - says all you need to know about who he values more.

Thinking about it, I bet he only wanted to go and drink in the garden bc he wanted you to be cold as you would be dressed up and not in as warm clothing as him. He either wanted you to be physically uncomfortable and was pissed off you didn’t comply and defied him, or he was deliberately engineering a situation where he could feel pissed off that you chose to stay inside rather than join him, despite the temperature.

Sounds like a monumental dick- well done for not apologising - as you say, there is nothing for you to apologise over - but if he does the unexpected and apologises to you - tell him it’s over regardless. He is a controlling bastard who clearly doesn’t want you to be happy and gets angry when you are. Leave him.

I think he was pissed off as he realised he should say something nice and he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to be nice to me. That’s really sad.

And again op:🎯
I think you've got him sussed now.

🎯

He’s usually very stable and calm

This isn't accurate though OP because he doesn't like you singing along. That isn't a calm and stable person. The dc also caused trouble between you recently, so that is a further example of tension.

And, while he sounds awful, you were singing along knowing he was cross and doesn't like you singing along. I get that it was your house, but there is also an element of antagonising going on, presumably because you were cross about your birthday. It is all just a terrible dynamic, and I can't see it working.

Wow. He spoiled two birthdays as well as the make up attempt. I cannot believe he complained about the cost of a freaking tea! And of course you treated him on your b-day. What a prince.

People need to work on themselves before getting into relationships. He has a lot of work to do. Seeking apologies all the time is indicative of something.

I actually think he’ll be kicking himself it’s over. I think it was more to do with him trying to control OP and put her back in her place. Probably because she’d made an effort with her outfit and was feeling good about herself so he wanted to bring her back down a peg or 2.

Well, that’s backfired!!

Well done OP - if you haven’t already make sure you block him. I doubt he’ll ever apologise but I’m sure he’ll be back in touch hopping you’re ready to jump at the chance to beg him to come back.

OP, I noticed you said in your very first post that your DC have caused issues in this relationship in the past. I’m wondering if that’s really the case, or if that now your rose tinted glasses are off you see things differently? What is it your DC did? (If I were to guess I’d assume he attempted to put them in their place too and get his feet under the table quickly to bring everyone into line of his way of thinking)

You didn't write it wrong.....

Well done, OP, on taking control and giving him the elbow. It seems you are we well rid!

Hope you have n excellent, twat-free weekend.

Oh, and happy belated birthday!

He's doing this on purpose so you're the one that dumps him.

He sounds awful - putting you down, gaslighting you, making zero effort ever for you, picking fights, twisting reality to suit his image of himself. Sorry you had such a shitty night, but good news that it threw his behaviour into sharp relief and you are stepping away. Agree that you don't need to engage further. You will never get him to understand your point of view, and he will never care. People like this are not capable and its a fruitless task. Better to disengage and let him go his merry toxic way.

I spent 25 long years trying to mend crazy situations like this just for the sake of the peace in the house. Oh, how I wish I had raised my voice the first time he told me he did not like something I was doing. Oh, how I wish I could get all those years back. Do not spend another moment of your life, another atom of your life energy, thinking about what happened. This was never meant to be understood; it is meant to confuse, to keep entrapped.

Turn away from him and keep moving forward!

You have absolutely no reason to keep him. Get rid!

“Make him do the work / talking…”

No. Don’t give him the privilege of your presence, headspace or time to vent to you. There is nothing to know apart from he’s a cznt. Take yourself out of punching distance.

God he sounds a misery. Imagine losing it because you THOUGHT someone played Billie Jean. What a weirdo!

Sounds like your well rid OP. Dont keep over thinking it and looking back at your play list or give it any more air time. Even if you did play it its fucking wild to lose it over it.

I really do not like MJ - the music isnt for me. DP loves it. I just put my headphones in ans listen to something else while hes playing it.

I’m sorry but if some of his stuff migrated back to his after a move and he’s starting arguments, then it’s over in his kind anyway. This is the sort of thing you do when you’ve decided you don’t want to be with someone any more. You make sure you get whatever stuff you need/want back at yours. Then you start picking little argument or fights, knowing that you’ll get apologies. He’s making your relationship so unbearable in hopes that you’ll break up with him and he can absolve himself of any guilt. Leave the ball in his court now, OP. If he tries to contact you, be civil but make him do the work/talking. What an arsehole. Sorry OP

He’s a total cunt if he knocks on the door don’t answer it, just let him get his car and fuck off. Block him and move on. You don’t need to be in a relationship that is full of conflict

Agree .

Oh do me a favour! Stop making excuses for this douchebag!