Please help me process what on earth went on with me and DP last night

Please try and ensure you have a friend or relative in the house when he collects his stuff purely to stop him from trying to talk to you about it all or change your mind.

I once had an ex like this and he came round to collect his sons bike and I couldn't get him out of the house for 2 hours.

He just needs to pick his stuff up (can you put it all in boxes by the front door?) and go. No chat.

It’s so weird. I’m sure it will come but I don’t feel upset at all. The only emotion I can feel is relief.

I feel awful as I recognise all of the cognitive dissonance that’s been running in my brain over the last year or so while I try not to get hurt by his behaviour.

Like when I answered the door and he just looked pissed off with me looking nice, in my head I was like ah but he’s such a casual guy and that’s what I love about him, he loves me for me however I look etc.

I think he was pissed off as he realised he should say something nice and he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to be nice to me. That’s really sad.

I do have friends I can talk to but I think I’ve hidden a lot of this stuff from them because I’ve tried to convince myself that this was ok.

My ex H was a miserable, controlling arsehole and I was convinced this guy was different.

But there have been red flags I’ve tried to rationalise away. He doesn’t make me feel seen, heard or valued.

He makes comments that I’m more intelligent and educated than him, more attractive than him but it’s like he resents that and those things are objective opnions largely anyway.

It’s like he feels proud he has me but also wants to put me in my place so I don’t outshine him I don’t know it’s a weird dynamic.

Things have been poor for months now and they never really repair. He’s not been around my kids in many months so they haven’t been affected, but I really have been.

It feels good to say it out loud because no loving partner who respects and cares for someone would pull the behaviour that went on yesterday. Least of all not even be sorry about it.

Thats the main point I think, that he thinks his behaviour has been fine. Of course he won’t change.

There’s a bit of back and forth on WhatsApp he’s saying I’m twisting what he said which apparently was ‘oh great now I have to listen to this paedo’ and saying it controlling.

moving on from the fact that I didn’t hear him say that - that WOULD be controlling giving digs about the music your girlfriend is listening to when she’s just trying to to enjoy her birthday.

Its like he cannot and will not see that his comments, digs, moods etc are all part of trying to have things his way and that that IS actively controlling behaviour.

i think im going to block him so we can’t talk more

The thing is I am having an awful time with my 16 year old who didn’t get me a card or present or say happy birthday and I knew she would try to ruin my birthday.

So he knows I was feeling sensitive and wanted to keep things low key and calm

There’s a bit of back and forth on WhatsApp he’s saying I’m twisting what he said which apparently was ‘oh great now I have to listen to this paedo’ and saying it controlling.

moving on from the fact that I didn’t hear him say that - that WOULD be controlling giving digs about the music your girlfriend is listening to when she’s just trying to to enjoy her birthday.

Its like he cannot and will not see that his comments, digs, moods etc are all part of trying to have things his way and that that IS actively controlling behaviour.

i think im going to block him so we can’t talk more

I’ve sent this and I can see he’s typing but I know he’ll just come back with more stuff about me twisting things. I’ll block him once he’s collected the stuff

“No, X, your behaviour was hurtful and unkind.

You couldn’t even bring yourself to tell me I looked nice, just told me off for how you were dressed for dinner.

It was my birthday and I was in my own home. You chose to ruin it with your behaviour.

You should think about why you feel it’s acceptable to be actively unkind to me. It’s like you hate me.

It’s the most confusing relationship I’ve ever been in as you don’t even seem to like me at all and you are not remotely sorry for how you hurt me last night.”

It was my birthday yesterday. DP came over after work and my main present was dinner somewhere nice local to me (this is what I had asked for). I’d arranged to have an empty house at mine for us so we’d have some time to ourselves.

Been together almost 2 years and been arguing a lot over the last few months. My kids caused some trouble between us and we both said some things that hurt the other and are trying to get through it. Argued earlier in the week about that but I genuinely felt that we were working through it.

Anyway, I don’t normally dress up but I put on a nice dress and heels. I know I looked nice as my DD said so. Answered the door to DP and he was really angry with how I was dressed as apparently he had turned up ‘looking like a scruff’ and it made him look back.

So no compliment on the effort I made and a couple of times thought the night made angry comments about it.

Other than that all fine at dinner. We got home and Dp went to sit in the garden and have a beer. It was dark and cold and I didn’t fancy being out there so I sat indoors entertaining myself playing music on the Alexa - not loud - and singing along to it. DP hates me singing along to music but I just thought well he’s outside, not listening and it’s my house and my birthday so I’ll entertain myself.

We then watched a TV show for an hour, all good.

Then just the weirdest thing happened - DP started having a go at me for playing Billie Jean and how he’d had to comment that MJ is a paedophile to make me stop playing it.

I was baffled as I don’t like MJ either, hadn’t played Billie Jean and didn’t know what he was talking about.

When I responded to that he got really angry going ‘I know what I heard, stop gaslighting me!!’ And I was literally like maybe it was coming from one of the kid’s Alexa’s upstairs and he went on and on about how I was telling him he was imagining things.

i said I wasn’t saying that just that I hadn’t played it. I said I’d been playing the charlatans as the last song and pulled out my play history on Amazon music and indeed it was the charlatans and a load of other 90s indie which is exactly my taste as he knows.

i thought that would just solve it all but it escalated and escalated about how he heard Billie Jean and I’d stopped as soon as he made the comment.

I said I hadn’t played Billie Jean but also it’s my house and if I wanted to play it I would.

I then decided I’d had enough and thanked him for ruining my birthday and went to bed. I didn’t know what else to do to de escalate things.

i could then see him on the drive waiting for a cab so I went down again to try and de escalate things. I said I felt the conversation was unnecessary and unkind, that I had no idea where he heard Billie Jean - he said it must have been on the TV I said maybe it was but I have no recollection of it or of the comment he made.

I tried to get him to calm down and come in, I just wanted a nice end to the evening but he wouldn’t back down.

It was the most ridiculous argument of my life and I also believe it has ended our relationship because where do we go from this?

Usually when we argue I initiate apologies and we smooth things over but I have no idea how or why I would apologise for playing a song I didn’t play. I feel like last night he was wanting an apology and it’s usually very easy to get one out of me, but not for something like this where I’ve done nothing.

His car is still outside so presumably he’ll come and get it today but I’ve heard nothing from him and don’t expect to.

This MUST be the end of our relationship right? I can’t live like this.

I know but I need to be able to tell him that he’s been bullying him. However he responds I have to be able to stand up to him and say my piece, I’ve been allowing him to walk all over me for far too long.