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Elderly parents

Dad wont accept his age or my mums

95 replies

Lucyboo976 · 22/10/2026 19:01

My dad is 80, he is fantastic for his age he really is. He has never had any health or mobility problems, but has just recently been diagnosed with cancer but its one that doesnt require treatment just monitoring and shouldn't effect his life expectency and doesnt have any symptoms so he is just living with it. He is struggling to come to terms with this . And taking it out on everyone.

My lovely mum is slightly younger but has started with some problems now such as arthritis in her knees , and shes very anxious. He hates all of this so much and wont make any allowances for it.
I do understand, noone wants to get old. But he seems different to other people his age. I dont know if hes desperately trying to cling on to his younger self or what but he does things like buy sports cars and talks about doing things over the next 10 or 15 years when in reality he probably won't be here then.
He acts like hes about 40. Dresses quite young. Goes to the pub regularly and gets drunk every week! (My poor mum).
He follows politics very closely and is very opinionated. The way he speaks and acts you would not guess his age. Whilst this is amazing, it does cause problems because my mum is falling behind. He never wants to stay home. He makes them go out every day marching round towns, cities, countryside, shops. All sorts of places. He drives like a racing car driver and refuses to drive a "normal car". He has a lie in every day and won't attend any appointments before lunchtime lol. He is very controlling of everyone and everything.

I worry about my mum mostly trying to keep up with him but is it normal to act like this at 80? I act and feel older than him at 40 as I am disabled! How will he cope if something happens to her?

OP posts:
quequerido · 22/10/2026 19:04

It’s totally normal for an 80 year old to act like this. My dad is a couple of years younger. He just bought himself a new Tesla. He travels all over the world, goes on hikes, volunteers giving business advice 3 times a week, sits on numerous committees and walks about 4 miles a day as well as having a personal trainer twice a week. And why not?

Lucyboo976 · 22/10/2026 19:06

I dont know anyone else his age who acts the same way. I am also acutely aware of how lucky he is to still be so well which ee wre very grateful for.
My issue is that he cant cope with those around him not being so well. And if he gets the slightest small thing its the end of the world. He is very difficult to deal with and is running my mum into the ground

OP posts:
emuloc · 22/10/2026 19:10

Does she want to do these walks every day?

leperol · 22/10/2026 19:20

The only issue I see here is that your mother might be "forced" into his jolly walks etc. when she is not able due to her arthritic knees, or just wants a break away from him!

A solution of sorts is for them to do their own thing separately and join up once or twice a week for joint things. Easier said than done, but it's something to explore with both of them separately. See what mum thinks of his shenanigans and whether or not she enjoys being herded around exploring the city etc. Go by what she says. Your dad will be fine doing his own thing out and about I think.

Bexisdaft · 22/10/2026 19:21

He doesn’t sound at all pleasant

Mixymaxymoxy · 22/10/2026 19:32

Who cares whether your dad ‘acts his age’ or not? You seem to have a preconceived idea of how you think an 80 year old should be, but that’s not up to you. What is far more concerning is his attitude to your mum.

Has your mum ever told him she doesn’t want to go for a walk? That she needs to stay home? If not, then that’s what you need to help her with. He can only run her into the ground if she lets him.

rubyslippers · 22/10/2026 19:34

Mixymaxymoxy · 22/10/2026 19:32

Who cares whether your dad ‘acts his age’ or not? You seem to have a preconceived idea of how you think an 80 year old should be, but that’s not up to you. What is far more concerning is his attitude to your mum.

Has your mum ever told him she doesn’t want to go for a walk? That she needs to stay home? If not, then that’s what you need to help her with. He can only run her into the ground if she lets him.

This
my parents are very active in their late 70’s as are all their mates
they do more stuff than me!
it’s wonderful and keeps them going
where your dad is going OTT is not taking your mums needs into account - that is selfish and I’m going to assume he’s always been like this
theres two issues here - one the not acting his age is irrelevant
the thoughtlessness to your mum is serious

FashionPassion · 22/10/2026 19:37

Maybe you're acting way too old for your age?? He sounds healthy, confident, self assured and engaged. I hope to be like him if I make 80!

boxofshite · 22/10/2026 19:39

He sounds like a pain in the arse, your poor mum! Lots will defend him though, many people struggle to accept ageing.

Bexisdaft · 22/10/2026 19:39

FashionPassion · 22/10/2026 19:37

Maybe you're acting way too old for your age?? He sounds healthy, confident, self assured and engaged. I hope to be like him if I make 80!

Aside from fact that he sounds bloody nasty and abusive

FashionPassion · 22/10/2026 19:47

Bexisdaft · 22/10/2026 19:39

Aside from fact that he sounds bloody nasty and abusive

I don't agree but we don't have to!

Bexisdaft · 22/10/2026 19:53

FashionPassion · 22/10/2026 19:47

I don't agree but we don't have to!

Don’t have to what?

RaininSummer · 22/10/2026 19:55

So long as he is well enough he must keep doing the things wants. Unfortunately if your mum doesn't have the energy or enthusiasm he needs to accept this and do a lot of it without her so she can joinh in what she wants without consigning him to old age house arrest.

SuperBlondie28 · 22/10/2026 19:55

Be grateful you have a dad still. Mine passed away when I was 20. I'm now 50.

I have work colleagues who are younger than me, who have no dads due to cancer taking them.

FashionPassion · 22/10/2026 19:56

Bexisdaft · 22/10/2026 19:53

Don’t have to what?

Agree - we don't have to agree.

Bexisdaft · 22/10/2026 20:02

FashionPassion · 22/10/2026 19:56

Agree - we don't have to agree.

Agree about what? You don’t think he comes across as unpleasant?

FashionPassion · 22/10/2026 20:05

Bexisdaft · 22/10/2026 20:02

Agree about what? You don’t think he comes across as unpleasant?

No, not based on what has been written, thus far.

boxofshite · 22/10/2026 20:09

SuperBlondie28 · 22/10/2026 19:55

Be grateful you have a dad still. Mine passed away when I was 20. I'm now 50.

I have work colleagues who are younger than me, who have no dads due to cancer taking them.

Maybe this should be the response to all the threads on here!

Im struggling with dcs behaviour

Be grateful you have dc

My MIL is overbearing

Be grateful you have in-laws

My house needs so much work

Be grateful you have a house

My leg is hurting after every run

Be grateful you have a leg.

🙄

Bexisdaft · 22/10/2026 20:10

He is very controlling of everyone and everything.

lovely chap

DorsetKnobBiscuit · 22/10/2026 20:41

What are you asking OP?

Lucyboo976 · 22/10/2026 22:25

Sorry. I am asking how best to support them both in their later years. My mum wants to rest and has probems that are only going to get worse. He is exhausting her and she cant speak up to him as he has always been very controlling. Her condition is being worsened by him making her do so much.
And I want to help him adjust to this new phase in his life. Nearly all of his friends have passed away, hes obviously very scared of his own mortality. But its not fair to force others to do what he wants all the time.

OP posts:
Lucyboo976 · 22/10/2026 22:27

They do everything together. He wont do anything without her which worries me alot if something happens to her first.
My mum does everything in the house. I mean everything. Again if she went first he would crumble and not be able to look after himself .
In 80 years hes never cooked or meal , made a cup of tea , switched on the washing machine , made a bed or washed dishes

OP posts:
GintyMcGinty · 22/10/2026 22:33

Age is just a number. Why shouldn’t he just live his life the way he wants to.

SylvanMoon · 22/10/2026 22:35

Lucyboo976 · 22/10/2026 22:27

They do everything together. He wont do anything without her which worries me alot if something happens to her first.
My mum does everything in the house. I mean everything. Again if she went first he would crumble and not be able to look after himself .
In 80 years hes never cooked or meal , made a cup of tea , switched on the washing machine , made a bed or washed dishes

You're not going to be able to do anything about changing his attitude or ability should your mother no longer be there for him. I think your concern comes from a good place, but I don't think it's something you can do anything about. Your DM has agency and if she wanted could speak up, even if your DF is domineering. If she's asking you to advocate for her to your DF, that's a different issue. But if she's not, I can't see how you could change anything. All you can do is be there for both of them if and when they ask for help.

Fernsarethebestplants · 22/10/2026 22:36

I know a couple like this. The dad was fit into his 80's, still working, still doing hobbies, but that drive, slight impatience which was fantastic to get him through life has become very difficult in older age, he hasn't been able to accept his own ageing at all and has struggled enormously now in his late eighties and he's carried on being as selfish as he was all his life in terms of not making allowances for his wife. I suspect he's had main character syndrome his whole life, OP and he isn't going to stop now. I'd support your mum to go her own pace more, her own activities, get help in for cleaning/gardening, but fundamentally, this is how their relationship is and it will be exaggerated as he ages.