Dad wont accept his age or my mums

He thinks of her as his life assistant, he wants her there to do everything for him. I'd concentrate on getting them to accept any type of help in the house, that will be a big battle. Your dad has dominated everything his whole life, it's going to be a hard old age for your mum but she chose him and that's what she got.

Unfortunately you won’t change him.

Your mum has accepted him the way he is for a lifetime (not criticising, she was starting from different times plus plenty of younger women still do this now anyway) and the only thing she could do now is to change her own boundaries but that won’t be easy.

I think you can offer to support her in talking to him or in doing things she wants without him but that’s about it.

I’m not sure you can change that dynamic between your parents. If this is the way it’s always been it’s very unlikely to change now.

My parents are the same, both late 70s and are never in. Constantly going here and there, you would never guess their age. My mum esp has kept up with fashion, skincare etc and looks much younger. Both have a very young attitude to life, living and aging which I’m so happy about. However the difference is they are a team. They both keep the house going, they both cook, they essentially look after each other. If one slowed down/wanted to slow down, so would the other.

I Get headaches- Be grateful you have a head

Hopefully, I can still go to the pub every week when I'm 80! My only concern, is how he treats his wife. She needs to be more assertive and tell him she doesn't want to do certain things.

My parents are the same. Both turned 80 this year. My dad absolutely has slowed down both physically and cognitively, and recently he’s had one illness / accident after another. My mum, who’s a bit of a Duracell bunny for her age, has had to slow right down to support him and I can see it frustrates her - but she’s doing it, because he’d do the same for her.

It sounds like the OPs parents relationship has never been balanced in this way.

OP I think your opening post sounded more like you thought that at 80 he shouldn't be doing XYZ and that's why you had those responses.

It's okay, we use threads to work out our feelings sometimes :)

It's now clear you're concerned for your mum.

I would suggest that it's very hard for you you to intervene in a longstanding marital dynamic, but one possibility is to approach your dad and say you're worried about your mum.

I would not focus on age, "getting on", "these days", or slowing down. Instead, maybe rry focusing specifically on the arthritis.

"Mum has arthritis in her knees and I'm worried that x miles of walking / no rest days / whatever will make her condition worse. You're both such active people, that would be a shame."

It might be possible to frame it as what activities he can do himself, what she can be doing if she's at home like physio etc.

But, kindly - people often fall into treating the elderly like kids to be managed. It's hard to intervene in someone else's marriage and that doesn't stop being true because they're 80.

Loads of octogenarians in my family. One is off on his bike around Nepal tomorrow , one is visiting his much younger boyfriend in Germany this week, another is on a road trip around Europe with his friend
All this is normal behavior.
None of them look their ages , my mum however is younger than them abd she is an old lady. It's all in the mind abd not giving into old age. Leave him be

surely this issues isn't that he drives a sports car and follows politics, but that he's taking out his stress on your Mom, is constantly drinking excessively and he's forcing your Mom to go out walking for miles when she has arthritis? has he always been controlling and abusive?

so it's ok that he's testing her Mom poorly because at least he's alive? I'm genuinely sorry you lost your Dad so young, but that doesn't give every other Dad an excuse for poor behaviour

My dad is exactly the same, and viewed illness as some kind of weakness. You've asked how he will manage if anything happens to your mum - from my experience, he'll try to control other people in the same way.

When mum had major stomach surgery following a cancer diagnosis he refused to accept she couldn't keep up the pace. As well as being controlling he's also extremely mean so where he could have paid for help (cleaning, shopping deliveries, laundry etc), he just sulked and made everyone miserable. After she died, he tried to control me in the same way - hourly phone calls, constant demands for things to be done that he could easily have done by himself. The final straw was a full blown tantrum over a "ruined" dinner and I've not spoken to him in over a year. He's alienated most of the family in the same way since.

He sounds very hard to live with. The ‘not accepting his age’ thing sounds like a red herring. He sounds thoughtless, rude, controlling, selfish, a shit driver…

Your poor mum. What does she want to do?

That’s even worse. Your poor mum.

He needs to start doing all of these things ASAP, like an adult. If he’s so young at heart, he should easily be able to master new tech like washing machines, and he should have the energy to shop, cook, do his share.

I’m sorry, but he sounds awful. The least supportive person for your mum when she needs him. Does he have any redeeming features?

If your mum goes first, he’ll probably shack up with another woman.

Your mum needs to stop being so passive and tell him that she won’t be going out on a hike etc. You can’t fix this unfortunately.

Are you new to MN? Answers like this don’t go down well here, and rightly so.

i was very ill for a year after getting Covid in the first wave. Then an accident 2 years ago meant I could barely walk more than a few steps for about 5 months.

I felt very bad that it limited DH, I couldn’t walk far over those two periods totalling 18 months even a tiny bit. It showed the kind of person he truly is not once did he get impatient within me, he was very selfless.

The issue is he will do what he wants without considering your Mother. People should do what they want as long as physically able. Seems like he makes everything about him. The sort that will instantly remarry if widowed, lots of men do this.

Sadly, I don't think the issue is your dad. I think it is your mum's inability to ever advocate for herself. I agree with pp, SHE has to be the one to stand up and say 'I can't do this, go on your own.' Maybe you could help her to assert herself, but otherwise this has been the status quo for so long that it's going to be hard to overcome.

You are trying to live two adults lives for them and are worrying about a future that hasn't come yet and might never come.

Step back, live your own life.

What does your mother want? Has she said anything to you or have you just observed her being unhappy? They're adults in a long standing dynamic of their own creation. Maybe ask her privately if she wants support in changing the dynamic and go from there. Confronting your dad directly is unlikely to go well from what you've described.

You could point out to your DF that your DM is not able to walk as much now with her bad knees, could she get an electric wheel chair so she can keep up with him while protecting her knees. Or could he get one of his friends from the pub to go with him on some of his jaunts if he doesn't like doing things alone? But it's really up to your mum to say she can't or won't do everything he wants to, although in some ways he is keeping her active too which is a good thing in moderation.

Why shouldn't he plan to do all sorts of things in the future that he probably won't be able to? Anyone could die any day but we don't stop making plans for what we want or hope to be doing in years to come, it does sound like he could live to be an active 100 year old and good on him if he does.

I don't know what dresses quite young means, something like jeans tee shirt and a hoody or designer suits? All sound fine to me, what should an 80 year old wear?

This. You could ask your mum if she wants you to support her in telling your dad that due to her arthritis she needs x amount of sitting with feet up each day and she can't do that as well as the housework and also go out a lot, so he needs to go out alone or with a friend or join a walking group. But if she says no, you will have to let it unfold.

@Lucyboo976 ita not his age. It’s his personality. Controlling. You can’t do anything to change him or amend his views. You can’t try talking to him about his behaviours impact on mums health. I don’t expect it to work. Acknowledging it isn’t in his best interest for his wants and needs.

Your mum is the point that needs working on and I doubt she will change. If she can’t say no. Can’t have her own interests or do her own thing or stand up for herself… then nothing you say or do will change it!

sorry and good luck.

You need to talk to your Mum and find out what she actually wants, not what your Dad is happy with or what you are happy with. And then advocate for her and help her advocate for herself.

With your Dad a little bit of strategic manipulation might not go amiss. “Only really old men can’t cook, clean, do laundry, all the young guys do half the housework these days etc etc” There’s a YouTube video for everything.